If you were an evil overlord, what rules would you make your men follow?

[Rathcoole]

My soldiers will be selected according to very script requirments for acceptence.

1. Accept nobody taller than me

2. Accept nobody stronger than me

3. Accept nobody smarter than me

4. Accept nobody better looking than me

5. Accept nobody with more hair than me.

6. Accept nobody with more personnality than me

So basicly I plan to rule the world with a group of bald headed, 5 foot 8 stick figures, with the carisma of a rock, the iq of of ham sandwich and faces only a mother could love.

 

[kommando367]

All units must carry a miniature bio/pulse weapon that is capable of dissolving the user and killing or frying the circuits of all with a 15 foot radius and is to activated in the event of capture or in the event of being mortality wounded within the enemy base.

Be extremely thorough during purge missions

Women, children, and exceptionally powerful enemy soldiers or heros are to be subdued with tranquilizers and brought back to the base for indoctrination. If a hero cannot be subdued, eliminate them with heavy weapons fire and decapitate them to confirm the kill.

Communication must be maintained between all individuals operating within an area.

Heros and new enemy types must be reported and scanned with long range scanners or nearby drones to determine combat effectiveness.

Do not engage enemies that are beyond the combat effectiveness of your team.

All individuals are to have chips implanted under the skin of their shoulders. Any individual caught entering the base without a functioning chip must be subdued and indoctrinated or eliminated if they cannot be subdued.

 

[Snowbell]

I would make all my men (I'd like to argue that you're presuming we'd all want to hire men and no women but in this case, being a girl, I would prefer all men) wear waistcoats and grow their hair long, and shower every day and use hairbrushes and shave!

...

I would probably forget that there's a hero to be defeated and just have a wonderful harem...ahh...

 

[lacktheknack]

Don't press the red button. JUST. DON'T. DO. IT.

Those that survive clearly have enough self control to be in my army.

 

[SpectacularWebHead]

1: We Do not talk about the base location.
2: We do not talk to men in batcostumes with rubber nipples.
3: FUCK SHIT UP AS AND WHEN I COMMAND
4: Disagree with me and die, painfully
5: Don't talk to the test subjects. It will only make it difficult when I have you kill them.
6: Do Not deviate from the dress code.
7: If you mention Justin Bieber, you will be eviscerated from your lower half.
8: No flash photography.
9: Do Not, I repeat DO NOT humanise the Deathbots. Humanity makes them lose their appeal...
10: Do feed the Laser sharks. Use SuperHeroes or the less attractive amongst you.
11: Don't mention the killbeast to the RSPCA. We don't feed him as often as we should, Due to the swift gaining of competence amongst most of you.
12: Be as careless around the killbeast pit as possible.
13: That weed is mine. Don't touch it or I will destroy you.
14: Deviation from any and all of the rules will result in demotion, Dismal and/or death, depending on my mood and the number of available test subjects.
15: Keep a positive mental outlook!

 

[Combustion Kevin]

"follow my lead."
or
"impress me."

then wreck havoc space orc style with my army of cloned, beefed up and ruthless super soldiers.

I'll probably not get far until a hero may take me out, but it's all about the ride, man.

 

[ArbiterX13]

As a full post, this would be way too long, so I made a guide using the handy-dandy spoiler boxes.

Spoiler: Section 1: Dress Code

Dress code will be enforced at all times. The penalty for not wearing the proper attire is death.
1. Goggles: The standard-issues pair of goggles are equipped with low-light vision, thermal, motion tracker, sonic sensors, adjustable magnification, and short range laser beams in the event you have been otherwise disarmed. Never do anything to disable any of these features. I had these made for your protection, they were beyond expensive, and I don't want to see any enemies suddenly wearing a pair because one of you idiots switched yours off and they subsequently killed you and stripped it off of your corpse.
2. Armor: The standard-issue armor is lightweight, flame- and bulletproof, and is equipped with energy shields, cloaking, a short-range, recharging EMP, ammo pockets, and heart rate monitoring system. If your heart rate drops below a certain point (I won't tell you what point that is), the armor will send out a signal that a unit has been terminated (so as to alert myself and all other nearby units), and then immediately self-destruct, so as to keep the killer from obtaining said armor.
Your Armor and You: Your armor is equipped with its own unique, charmingly-sarcastic AI of whichever gender you choose. Your AAI (Armor's Artificial Intelligence) is designed to become your best friend and confidant--indeed, you should be comfortable with your armor knowing everything about you, because you are not allowed to wear clothes underneath your armor (the fabric interferes with the heart rate monitor). Your AAI will provide you with valuable information regarding the situation at hand, as well as conversation if you are alone and bored (the armor's faceguard is completely soundproof, allowing you and your AAI to talk in silence via your armor's own secure channel). You can, if you so choose, name your AAI prior to its creation, or have me name it for you. Before any of you ask, "Cortana" is not a valid AAI name.
3. Weapon(s): Your weapon loadout is largely based on your skills and preferences, but there are two common points between all weapons. 1) Almost all weapons are energy weapons, as everyone has bulletproof armor these days, and 2) all weapons will bind to your armor (meaning that they attach to your back or leg when you "holster" them, and that they explode if you die, like the armor...also, you can't use your friends' weapons). The list of possible weapons includes: pistols, sub-machine guns, light machine guns, miniguns, energy swords, sniper rifles, shotguns, grenades, rocket-launcher-like laser cannons, standard battle rifles, cutting torches, dog launchers (special hell-hound ammo now available!), and flamethrowers. NOTE: The energy swords are not lightsabers. The next unit who so much as mentions Star Wars while holding one is going to get my own ENERGY SWORD going through his or her skull.

Spoiler: Section 2: Responsibilities

Recruits will be moved into different units based on their test scores, weapon skills, and other talents. Each of these units has its own expectations, responsibilities, and tasks. Failure to acknowledge these responsibilities, live up to these expectations, and/or perform these tasks will result in death.
1. Guards: There is no way for me to say this politely--you are a guard because you really couldn't be anywhere else. Don't get me wrong, you're smart and talented (otherwise I would've killed you during recruiting. Remember Steve? You remember Steve), you're just not smart or talented enough to merit being a soldier, technician, or specialist. Sorry, but I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not evil...well...Anyway, guards are expected to:
Guard things. Do what you were put there to do.
Shoot any intruders on sight. Don't talk to them, don't get up close to them, use the guns I gave you.
If two guards are guarding a single door, a third, fourth, or fifth guard is not needed. Go patrol the area. Keep patrols close to one spot--in fact, if you're just guarding a narrow corridor, just stand against a wall and look in both directions. Don't walk around unless you have to.
Don't investigate a noise alone. The buddy system is in effect here, people...and in this case, you'll need more than your AAI.
If possible, hide in dark areas or remain cloaked. Intruders get cocky when they don't see anyone around. I know you have some semblance of intelligence; use it.
2. Soldiers: You're tough; you follow orders; you like big booms, and whatever causes them. You are a soldier, and you love your job (rather, you should). Soldiers are expected to:
Accomplish what I told you to accomplish. Yes, there are fleshy things that you can make fall over here by the thousands, but I gave you an objective. That comes first. Besides, I'd like to have people left to rule over.
Think on your feet. You aren't tacticians, I know, but I also know that you are at least relatively smart (smart enough to not be a guard, anyway). Therefore, if something surprising or unusual happens, I expect you to find a way around it. Do not radio me every time some civilian pulls a handgun on you--I figure you'll know what to do. If you don't, you deserve that shell in your brain. Oh, wait, bulletproof armor. Hmm. Well you would've deserved that shell in your brain.
Be polite. This is similar to the "do what I told you to do" thing earlier, but don't go beating up people you just happen to see. No stealing. No pillaging. No burning buildings unless I told you to burn them...or if the people inside are shooting at you. I don't need people to have a reason to hate me. Also: I hear anything about women or children being hurt in any way (again, unless they attacked you), and I will kill you. I don't need people like you in my military, or anywhere. In fact, if you see anyone doing anything like that...yeah, those civilians you can kill or otherwise brutalize. I'm okay with that.
3. Tacticians, technicians, other nerds: You're smart, but you can't wield any kind of weapon. So you get to help the people who can. Nerds are expected to:
Think of new weapons, armor, and other ways to help the cause--I thought of all of this, now I have a world to rule.
Hack into enemy computers, take all of their files, and then implant some form of malware that they can't find. See if we can stop any resistance movement before it starts.
Work with me on devising plans for the soldiers to enact. Think cheap, think fast, think effective.
Propaganda creation and effective deployment. Make the our subjects love us...even if they love us for completely false reasons.
Find any ways to revive the old retro sci-fi, especially the "Googie" architecture. I love that style.
Find a clean, renewable energy resource. I know that the whole factory thing looks evil and amazing, but I want to rule a planet that will last for a while. Speaking of, no one previously employed at Shinra Electric Company is allowed anywhere near our offices. Better yet, kill all of the old Shinra employees.
Take down other evil corporations without bloodshed.
4. Specialists: You guys are good. Not just good, you're the best. You're smart, you're quiet, you're skilled...there is nothing you can't do. I love you. Specialists are expected to:
Be role models. Show the world what you can do. Make people want to achieve something in their lives. Make them say, "I want to be that guy!"
Carry out any assignments I give you with ruthless efficiency. Find the target, do whatever needs to be done, and get out. Be fast, be quiet, take out any hostiles only if you can do so without anyone else knowing.
Assassinate whoever I tell you to. You guys are cold-blooded killers; you only display your feelings to your team. Maybe. Your target is not a person, it is a thing. Shoot the thing.

Spoiler: Section 3: Social Interaction

I'm not one of those uptight evil overlords who doesn't permit any conversation ever, or has you only bark orders and things at each other like jerks. I like conversation. I want you to bond with your teammates. Be friends. I'm even okay with relationships, so long as it doesn't hinder your ability in any way.
Conversation: The armor's faceguard, as already mentioned, is completely soundproof. Instead, you talk through channels. The channels are AAI (used to talk exclusively with your Armor AI), Team (used to talk only with your teammates), Talk (broadcasts your voice outside of the faceguard at the same volume that you are talking--used to talk with civilians and unarmored individuals), Private (used in conjunction with another unit's name to open a secure channel with only them), and PA (used to communicate with every other member of the same unit in the current vicinity).
Etiquette: It is important to be polite, even as a member of an evil organization. As previously stated in Section 2, I don't want to give people reasons to hate us. This means, no talking about killing people, torturing anyone, any "evil" acts, eating babies (for the record, don't eat babies; it's gross), hating good, hating light, liking evil, kicking puppies, etc.
Secondly, this is an accepting force. Anyone who is sexist, racist, or against any religion will be killed. Those words are hurtful, and chances are someone in your unit is whatever you just insulted. That said, while it is okay to practice your religion, do not go shoving it down people's throats. If they believe different, they believe different. Let it go. On a side note, if you find any civilians who are sexist, racist, or against any religion, kill them, preferably in a brutal way. They don't deserve to be in my new world.
I find, especially in my own circles, that sexism deserves special mention. This is a co-ed corporation; any remarks, even jokes, will not be tolerated. This is especially important in regards to the testosterone-fueled men. I will not tolerate any remarks against women being soldiers, guards, or specialists, be them insults or unwanted sexual advances. If I hear about any instance of these remarks (and it can be proven), I will have a woman torture you and then kill you. Switch the genders for the women, but the men are more likely to cause these sorts of problems.
Relationships: Relationships are welcome, and indeed encouraged throughout the company. There will be a relationship advice channel eventually, and during off-times, employees can spend time with anyone they choose...well, except resistance members. I can't allow that. Sorry. Also, in the event of pregnancy, the baby will be schooled on company premises, but the parents will be allowed to see him or her during their off-hours. Weddings, bachelor parties, and baby showers are allowed, but alcohol will be rationed. I need you all able to work the next day, so I need to keep you from getting too hammered. On a related note: no smoking, no drugs.
Oh, yes...a whole group of the nerds asked me to input this, so...I can't believe this...It is possible to be in a relationship with your AAI. Technically, they are mentally human, and (as they can feel) they can love and be loved. The nerds then developed bodies for each AAI to jump into for...I'm not going into that, but I will say that the bodies are sterile/infertile, so don't expect half-computer kids. But yes, you can develop a relationship with your AAI. Weirdos.

Having read this guide, I hope you'll take all of these rules into account (you should, or you'll be killed), and most importantly, that you'll have fun living and working here. Here at DomiCorp, employee happiness is my number-two concern (number one being world domination, or course). See you in the field!*
--Your Lord and Master
*Via camera feed only

 

[klaynexas3]

1. Anything you do to an innocent person, we do to you. If you give a child a lollipop, guess which soldier gets a lollipop. If you rape an innocent person, guess which soldier gets to eat a cock meat sandwich. If it costs too much, we'll make it up to you in the future once the world is ours, good and bad promises.

2. We are evil, but we can only take the world by getting them to like us. That's how a real dictatorship starts and lasts, make sure you get into power by the peoples will, then take their will away so they can't use it against us, so be nice to civilians.

3. Any girl that is sleeping around among the staff must be tested, and all applicants to the organization's brothel must be tested and clean

4. All personal business stays out of the work. If there has been an accident or death in the family, you are excused, but be prepared to make it up on a later mission, we can't afford to lose our soldiers.

5. Respect each other, but especially your superiors. If you have a problem with a boss or coworker, take it up with me or one of the evil council.

6. If your religion gets in the way of a mission, we'll find another job for you, but don't expect to keep your same status in our organization or make the same amount of money.

 

[The Artificially Prolonged]

1. All staff will be required to have regular performance evaluations. Anyone who is not up to standard will be "let go".

2. All surplus staff i.e. cleaners, prison guards, admin staff, basic infantry shall be replaced with robots specifically designed to perform these tasks (overheads for wages of a army bent on world domination are expensive and robots are not likely to be seduced by female prisoners). Said surplus staff will either be "let go" or re-trained in another area of the organisation.

3. All personnel upon joining the organisation will have a short range gps transmitted embedded into them. Don't worry its not to spy on you, it only works in the base and it is one of the ways to helps us stop stealthy intruders impersonating you. (see 6 for more info)

4. Uniforms are standard issue. Ensure that you wear the full uniform when on duty. Also ensure that you are fully equipped to carry out your duties. If you require equipment it will be be provided.

5. The base has many access cards for different sections. Remember no one card gives access to all areas and anyone found in an area without the right cards will be treated as an intruder i.e. shot! So ensure you have the right ones for your job, it saves lives and work for our health and safety department.

6. In addition you will also carry a picture ID card with an in built tracker (in addition to your implanted gps) on your person at all times.

7. All non robotic guard controls will patrol at least in pairs and will be issued with an attack alarm. You may think this is too cautious but it gives you a chance to alert your fellow guards if a do-gooder tries to incapacitate you.

8. Any mechanical fault or late patrol report will be treated as an intrusion. As such the base will go into silent alert and step up security until the entire repeat ENTIRE base has been cleared. Remember during an alert phase all doors between sections will be locked down.

9. All information on "projects" is on a strictly need to know basis. Do not share information with anyone who does not need to know.

10. All personnel that exceed in their duties will rewarded for their good work. Bonuses include beer, your choice of music in the jukebox playlist, as many concubines as you can handle and the chance to rule a country of your choice once Project Omega comes to fruition.