Okay, so perhaps the title is a bit melodramatic, but I've truly done something disgusting in my own eyes. I'm sure many of you will come to consider me a terrible person after reading this (if you don't already).
Anyway, there's a girl I've been dating for a little while now. Without mincing words, I think she's physically unattractive. However, despite this fact, I went into the relationship with full knowledge that I wasn't sexually attracted to this girl. Initially I tried to deceive myself into believing that looks didn't matter to me, and that as long as the relationship was solid I could be happy with anyone. I went so far as to tout the value of this perspective to others (I think maybe even on this site). That self-deceit wore off pretty quickly. I tried to keep it to being "friends" for as long as I could, but eventually we started cuddling and she felt we were something more. I couldn't disagree with her. We were basically dating. She'd never had a boyfriend or been in love before. I knew she fell hard for me, and I also knew that I wasn't going to be interested in furthering the relationship past where it was. So, instead of ending it there, I agreed that we were "in an exclusive relationship" (I'd avoided the word "dating" to no doubt just retain some lack of relational commitment) and I told her that I wanted to see where it went (even though I knew exactly where it would end up, and I was just postponing the inevitable as she fell more in love with me).
My motivations were completely selfish, I wanted a simple, easy relationship with an inexperienced girl. The benefits of having a girlfriend without all the nasty baggage of "dating". At the same time, I didn't want to get wrapped up dating an "unattractive" girl, so I intentionally kept her at arms length, yet strung her along enough to keep the self-serving relationship going. I hadn't really consciously acknowledged that until a little bit ago, but I know I was unconsciously aware of it the entire time.
So, tonight, I've broken it off. After we exchanged secrets about ourselves (many of which I now realize I'd unconsciously crafted in a desperate attempt to scare her off), and I suddenly felt disgusted with how far I'd let things go. I told her that I was a terrible, selfish person, and I knew my behavior would deteriorate as the relationship went on. I then said that I wasn't interested in letting things go further than they had now because I wanted something simple. I eventually coaxed her as gently as possible into agreeing that it was best to end it, telling her that I wanted to end it before I turned into a dick and she got even more hurt. I undoubtedly took this approach in part because I wanted to avoid being honest and telling her that she was ugly and I'm flat out breaking up with her. Instead I opted to say my outward behavior would inevitably get worse in the future to feign a sense of preemptive protection, even though that's total bullshit. She's a smart girl, I don't doubt she pieced together my true motivations. The subtle desperation in her words though. Her implied willingness to put up with any amount of hypothetical physical or emotional abuse just to stay with me. I've broken up with a lot of girls (and had a fair few break up with me). The breaks-ups I've gone through were mostly on far more even terms, but this time I knew I'd done something truly despicable in stringing this girl along.
The cherry on top is that, as I wallow in guilt, I felt so overwhelmed with the selfish need to confess what I've done, and to express the situation in words to get a better handle on it, that I've gone on to an internet forum just so I could vent my feelings. To be fair, I'd tell a friend, but it's 3:18 and everyone is asleep ATM. Oh yeah, and the whip cream is that I did it over skype. Not even video chat. We were fucking IMing. Oh yeah, and I almost created a second account as to avoid sullying the likely non-existent impression most of you have of the persona attached to this one. However, being a lazy fuck, I decided it wasn't worth the effort. Oh, and the last bit of horribleness is that I can't help but think what good writing fodder this whole situation is, and will no doubt utilize eventually. I think the worst thing is that I genuinely do have feelings for this girl on some level, but I consider my own superficiality too large a barrier to overcome in the relationship.
Anyway, there you go. I'm scum. I'm not trying to drum up pity or confirmations of my awfulness (though there will no doubt be plenty of the latter).
tl;dr: I strung along a nice girl I found unattractive so I could be in a casual, non-sexual relationship with her for selfish reasons, despite unconsciously knowing from the get go that she loved me and I didn't want it to go further primarily because I found her unattractive. I then broke up with her over IM like an asshole after the relationship escalated way past the point I should have even let it get to in the first place.
Anyway, to try and maintain the illusion that this is an actual thread, and not just me blubbering about what a piece of shit I am for several paragraphs, what terrible, yet legal, things have you guys done to your significant others?
Anyway, there's a girl I've been dating for a little while now. Without mincing words, I think she's physically unattractive. However, despite this fact, I went into the relationship with full knowledge that I wasn't sexually attracted to this girl. Initially I tried to deceive myself into believing that looks didn't matter to me, and that as long as the relationship was solid I could be happy with anyone. I went so far as to tout the value of this perspective to others (I think maybe even on this site). That self-deceit wore off pretty quickly. I tried to keep it to being "friends" for as long as I could, but eventually we started cuddling and she felt we were something more. I couldn't disagree with her. We were basically dating. She'd never had a boyfriend or been in love before. I knew she fell hard for me, and I also knew that I wasn't going to be interested in furthering the relationship past where it was. So, instead of ending it there, I agreed that we were "in an exclusive relationship" (I'd avoided the word "dating" to no doubt just retain some lack of relational commitment) and I told her that I wanted to see where it went (even though I knew exactly where it would end up, and I was just postponing the inevitable as she fell more in love with me).
My motivations were completely selfish, I wanted a simple, easy relationship with an inexperienced girl. The benefits of having a girlfriend without all the nasty baggage of "dating". At the same time, I didn't want to get wrapped up dating an "unattractive" girl, so I intentionally kept her at arms length, yet strung her along enough to keep the self-serving relationship going. I hadn't really consciously acknowledged that until a little bit ago, but I know I was unconsciously aware of it the entire time.
So, tonight, I've broken it off. After we exchanged secrets about ourselves (many of which I now realize I'd unconsciously crafted in a desperate attempt to scare her off), and I suddenly felt disgusted with how far I'd let things go. I told her that I was a terrible, selfish person, and I knew my behavior would deteriorate as the relationship went on. I then said that I wasn't interested in letting things go further than they had now because I wanted something simple. I eventually coaxed her as gently as possible into agreeing that it was best to end it, telling her that I wanted to end it before I turned into a dick and she got even more hurt. I undoubtedly took this approach in part because I wanted to avoid being honest and telling her that she was ugly and I'm flat out breaking up with her. Instead I opted to say my outward behavior would inevitably get worse in the future to feign a sense of preemptive protection, even though that's total bullshit. She's a smart girl, I don't doubt she pieced together my true motivations. The subtle desperation in her words though. Her implied willingness to put up with any amount of hypothetical physical or emotional abuse just to stay with me. I've broken up with a lot of girls (and had a fair few break up with me). The breaks-ups I've gone through were mostly on far more even terms, but this time I knew I'd done something truly despicable in stringing this girl along.
The cherry on top is that, as I wallow in guilt, I felt so overwhelmed with the selfish need to confess what I've done, and to express the situation in words to get a better handle on it, that I've gone on to an internet forum just so I could vent my feelings. To be fair, I'd tell a friend, but it's 3:18 and everyone is asleep ATM. Oh yeah, and the whip cream is that I did it over skype. Not even video chat. We were fucking IMing. Oh yeah, and I almost created a second account as to avoid sullying the likely non-existent impression most of you have of the persona attached to this one. However, being a lazy fuck, I decided it wasn't worth the effort. Oh, and the last bit of horribleness is that I can't help but think what good writing fodder this whole situation is, and will no doubt utilize eventually. I think the worst thing is that I genuinely do have feelings for this girl on some level, but I consider my own superficiality too large a barrier to overcome in the relationship.
Anyway, there you go. I'm scum. I'm not trying to drum up pity or confirmations of my awfulness (though there will no doubt be plenty of the latter).
tl;dr: I strung along a nice girl I found unattractive so I could be in a casual, non-sexual relationship with her for selfish reasons, despite unconsciously knowing from the get go that she loved me and I didn't want it to go further primarily because I found her unattractive. I then broke up with her over IM like an asshole after the relationship escalated way past the point I should have even let it get to in the first place.
Anyway, to try and maintain the illusion that this is an actual thread, and not just me blubbering about what a piece of shit I am for several paragraphs, what terrible, yet legal, things have you guys done to your significant others?
