I'm an antisocial loner, Help !

[William Dickbringer]

Well i need help (though in more ways than one but one step at a time alright ! ). Basically heres the problem, i am very anti social, and spend most of my time alone, and i don't really have any friends. I want to be more social, be able to talk to new people , make friends, spend time with other, basically have a social life, but any situation where i am not alone makes me nervous. I don't have much self confidence when i speak , and i have no social skills, which makes meeting people and making friends very hard.I do have people that invite me places like bars or dance clubs but i always say no because im very uncomfortable around people ( especially when theres alot of people). The only time i am capable of having anything close to a normal interaction with another person is when im drunk, so i have two choices.

a) Learn to be more social
b) Be drunk all the time

Though i have no problem with option b) it would be very expensive and until i find an alcoholic breverage that doesn't leave you smelling like alcohol i dont think that would work.

So i'm asking , is there any tips or advice you guys( and gals) can give me to become more social , be more confortable around people , and to be able to go out of my confort zone to try new things and such .

( I thought up this thread because its friday night and im all alone at home in the dark playing Mass Effect 1 , so sad`T_T )

EDIT : Yeah, one more thing , i am scared to death of embarassing myself in public, which ironically when i try not to embarasse myself i end up doing it anyways in a worst way than if i had not tried damn you karma ! .

one thing that helped me kinda was being in speech and drama class so if anything you can take along those lines that get's up in front of people that could help
an like everyone else said you should join a club or sport or go to a concert or convention because it is easy to talk to people with similar interest

 

[Rabish Bini]

Step 1: Next time you're invited to a bar, say yes
Step 2: When you're at the bar, do not get shitfaced, but have a few beers/scotch&cokes/whatever until you get more relaxed
Step 3: Just talk. Do not worry about embarrassing yourself, seeing as your friends won't really care, hence why they are friends.
Step 4: Just continue saying yes to invitations, going out, and talking. Always be nice, and eventually you will feel comfortable in social situations.

Bonus step: Like a previous guy said, exercise. It sounds silly (to me at least), but it really does work. You'll feel more confident and energetic, ready to take on the world!

 

[Ordinaryundone]

TC, do you have a job? Try making friends with your co-workers. You see them nearly every day as it is, so go do stuff with them. Suggest you go out for drinks one night, or throw a party and invite everyone over. Hell, even if you don't really like some of them very much, you'd be surprised how different people can act when they are out of a professional enviroment.

If you are still in school, then its much easier. Talk to your classmates, go to school functions. Colleges ALWAYS have something going on, period. Even if they are just sporting events, you are guaranteed to meet people. If you aren't in school, but live near one, this advice can still apply. Most college-aged people aren't too picky about who they hang out with; get to know someone even decently well and you'll likely get invited to parties and such (provided, of course, the person you are friends with does stuff like that).

Other than that...I dunno. Have any hobbies? Go find like-minded people to share them with. Since gaming seems to be your thing, talk about that. Its not nearly the taboo that it once was; in fact, most guys in the 16-24 range are almost guaranteed to play video games on at least some level. It might be that they only play CoD or Halo or something, but hey, thats at least some common ground, right? And from there, once you can build a rapport with the person, you can start branching off into other things.

The main key is confidence, really. Just be friendly, and as outgoing as you can.

 

[bjj hero]

Option A doesn't work. Your born social or your not...

I disagree completely. being "social" is learned behaviour and like any other skill it can be developed with practice.

The OP should get himself involved in a structured activity where he will meet people. Join a club, sports team or take a class in something. You will meet new people and start with some common ground, the shared activity.

When you talk to people ask them about themselves. Most people will talk and talk if you keep prompting them with the odd question. Its also the best way to talk to women...

Go get em. Like anything else you just keep doing it until it becomes "normal" and your skills will develope. Even if it is uncomfortable at first.

 

[Use_Imagination_here]

Ok so here's a story.

3 years ago I didn't like to go to the sauna (look it up, every house has one in finland it's tradition). This was bad because every time your invited anywhere there is a sauna waiting for you and I always felt left out.

You want to know what I did? I started going anyway. Turns out it grows on you. almost everything does.

Moral of the story: You feel bad that you don't feel comfortable doing something? Do it. If after a very long while you still don't like it, than you can give up.

 

[gazumped]

I'd advise against the drink for two main reasons:

1. You're more likely to embarrass yourself, and it seems important to you to not do so, and the next day you may remember the embarrassment and be even more like OH GOD I NEVER WANT TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN. (Source: Me - I have similar social anxieties and alcohol's never helped.)

2. If it DOES work, you may become dependent on alcohol in order to socialise, which won't help you in situations such as making friends at work, will only help you in less formal situations if you're willing to empty your pockets and do bad things to your body, and may give you long term alcohol problems if you stay in this habit. (Source: My alcoholic 40 year old mum.)

The only thing that's really helped me (and I'm by no means perfect yet but I'm getting better) is, as others have advised, to say YES.
There's a book called 'Face Your Fear and Do It Anyway', the title and premise are quite correct, nothing's going to make socialising less scary apart from getting used to it and practicing your social skills, and those things won't happen until you go out and do it.
Say 'yes' when your friends invite you to a bar. Think of it like a rollercoaster. It's terrifying, I know, but the thrill you feel when you've got yourself past that barrier is so wonderful. Even if it goes terribly you'll feel so proud of yourself for taking that step.

Also, smile. Not a horrible forced one, just raise the corners of your mouth a little. Not only does it make you more approachable (so people are more likely to start the conversation so you don't have to) but it also relaxes you - smiling sends messages to the brain that everything is okay. It's why people sometimes grin or laugh when they're stressed, like kids being shouted at by the teacher. (Source: Someone who studied psychology.)