Would you be offended if I asked how old you were?
This obviously needs some polish, and I'm afraid to say quite a bit of it. That is what I would advise; draft, draft and re-draft. Show it to people, ask them if there are any lines that jar, anything that doesn't quite seem right, seems out of place. Proof-read it yourself and be always asking how you can make it better.
I won't lie to you, I'm not a real writer... yet. I'm studying to be one though, and we workshop and edit each others pieces like crazy. PM me if you want to send me any stuff to look at, and I'll proofread it for you, if you like, and if you want, I'll send you some stuff to edit. But I'll need your word that you won't steal any of my imagery. My images are like my children.
Now, the piece here. Like I said, needs some polish, but you said yourself that you wrote it quickly. You seem to have developed some sense of rhythm, which I liked, but there were lines that made me cringe slightly. I find it painful whenever writers mention irony. Show, don't tell.
Also, like people have said, read shit. Carver, Hemingway, Chekhov, go mental. But channel, don't steal.