I'm sure some here will remember me.

[Fawcks]

... Yeah... Things have not gotten any better.

For those wondering, I am a young man, 21, and I have been having troubles as of late. I've always been troubled, but a lot of these issues came to the surface when my fiance left. I've been perpetually drifting through life, however, when my fiance left, I lost all ambition and drive. It also came with another side effect... The fear.

Aside from my depression, lack of social skills, and suicidal bouts, I have a major anxiety problem. It's never really been officially diagnosed, but when I went into a doctor's office, I was given anti depressants for it. I stopped taking them when our family lost our insurance and they seemed to make me very sleepy all the time. However, the issue persists.

My symptoms are somewhat hard for me to explain, but I will try. Basically, I life in a state of perpetual fear. I'm often afraid of nothing. Sometimes I have panic attacks in the middle of the day at the slightest provocation. Even tonight... I should be letting the dogs out, or shaving for work tomorrow, or sleeping, but I'm afraid. I don't know of what. My heart is pounding, my chest hurts, and I'm in a state of panic. I've practically gotten used to it in the frequency to which it occurs, but it's so hard to... Do ANYTHING. When aggravated, the problems become especially extreme...

I've been going to school for the past 3 years. Well, I don't know anymore. Since my fiance left, I've been dropping more courses to lighten the load and make things more manageable (I work 20-30 hour work weeks), and that means I won't be graduating on time (in September). I don't know what I can do, my situation is very unique. I just moved to where I am nine months ago (Ontario), and I have no friends. My only family is my step-father (mutual hatred for each other) and my mother (heartless creature, I didn't even tell her I was engaged). I need HELP, but I have no one to turn to. I can't talk to these people. I despise them due to a rough upbringing.

The only other option is my father, but he lives 15 hours away (Moncton New Brunswick) and I cannot talk to the man. I haven't seen him for more than a one week visit in over 7 years, and yeah, he's a nice guy (he knew I was engaged, has offered to let me live there for a the past few months), but I... I don't know. I don't trust him. My step-brother went to my father's and was kicked out due to being lazy and unable to hold down a job, and I feel if I turn to him as a failure (you know, since my school has suffered) he will reject me. But whom else can I turn to? I need to tell everyone that I won't graduate this year eventually, but how? How can I tell them I need help, and have always needed help?

I can feel it right now. I'm exhausted, but my body won't sleep. It won't move. It's 2AM, I'm to be at work by 10, I need to start walking to get there by 8AM (Need to be up before 7) and I just... I can't. I can't move. I'm afraid. In a panic. It hurts terribly. My desk is a mess, I need to go care for the dogs, but I just... I can't. I'm so afraid. What can I do, when I'm too afraid to even sleep? This body is my prison. Please, someone help me.

 

[Anarchemitis]

In the most brotherly and emotionally externalized way possible, I heartily reccomend you listen to this podcast by Dr. Timothy Keller, a Philosopher from New York, and his ponderences and thoughts on the subject of fear vs. anxiety and the distinctions that should be thought of.
Link [http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/praying-our-fears]

 

[Fawcks]

Listened in for a good 18 minutes, very interesting, however, I am feeling weak and such. I need to wake up in 3 hours... I should get some sleep. Thank you, though.

 

[Robert632]

About the only suggestion I've got is try to seek professional help. Pyschiatrist or whatever, doesn't really matter. Just try it, as it may, though it's not a 100% sure thing it will, help you. Of course, if you have tried professional help before and it hasn't worked, then I got nothing.

 

[Fawcks]

Getting help is, honestly, a lot more bothersome than it sounds.

I'd have to reach out to either my mother or father, and to be honest, neither is appealing to me. My mother because she's a cruel, heartless sort (She told me late last night, around 10PM, she won't be here today for the ride to work I need... Guess who's walking 2 hours each way again?), and she absolutely despises every fibre of my being (She's never said how proud she was of me for going to Uni while working 20-30 hours a week... She always spends her time discussing how much time and money I'm wasting on anything that is NOT Uni...) and she's never supported me for who I am (I remember once, for about two months, she'd ask me if I were gay twice a month or so, saying she'd support me in my choice, etc... After denying it for the 400th time, she confessed that she was just making sure I wasn't gay. If I were, she said she would disown me).

If it were you... Could you reach out and ask someone like that for help? Even if my mother offered her support 100%, I fear I could never accept it. There's simply no love between us.

 

[Robert632]

Getting help is, honestly, a lot more bothersome than it sounds.

I'd have to reach out to either my mother or father, and to be honest, neither is appealing to me. My mother because she's a cruel, heartless sort (She told me late last night, around 10PM, she won't be here today for the ride to work I need... Guess who's walking 2 hours each way again?), and she absolutely despises every fibre of my being (She's never said how proud she was of me for going to Uni while working 20-30 hours a week... She always spends her time discussing how much time and money I'm wasting on anything that is NOT Uni...) and she's never supported me for who I am (I remember once, for about two months, she'd ask me if I were gay twice a month or so, saying she'd support me in my choice, etc... After denying it for the 400th time, she confessed that she was just making sure I wasn't gay. If I were, she said she would disown me).

If it were you... Could you reach out and ask someone like that for help? Even if my mother offered her support 100%, I fear I could never accept it. There's simply no love between us.

I'm not asking you reach out to your mom, who sounds like a horrible person, I'm saying seek professional help, as in a psychiatrist or some such person. I'm not even lying when I say that your case is probably not the worst that has been seen by many psychiatrists out there, by a long shot. That being said, their is no guarantee that it would work, but it is the best advice I can give you.

 

[MaxwellEdison]

Seek professional help. None of us are experts in this, but the professionals are - asking them brings you a whole lot closer to getting the help you need.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Just breaking it down to the most practical advice I can offer.

1) Go back on anti-depressants. Tiredness is a common side effect but should get better after a few weeks maximum. Anti-depressants take a long time (a month or two) to work and can make you feel pretty lousy in the meantime (I spent a week throwing up last time I changed my medication) but like most drugs you will learn to tolerate them with minimal side effects. Beware of food cravings though, those can be quite persistent and gaining weight is not good for your self esteem.

Anti-depressants can have an effect on some forms anxiety, but if you find it's not sufficient to stop you panicking I would strongly suggest anti-psychotics (major tranquilizers). They are not fun to take and have more severe side effects compared with anti-depressants and they can have some effect on your personality which a lot of people find a bit weird at first. However, unlike anti-depressants they work pretty quickly and are very effective at treating panic. I can attest to this myself. If your panic attacks are ruining your life, then it's worth it without question. Because they work so quickly you can always come off them and then go back on if you still feel crap.

It is easy to become demoralized and stop taking your medication. This is an impulse you must avoid at all costs. Medication is the most important part of psychiatric treatment. No amount of talking to anyone about anything is ever guaranteed to help, in fact it almost certainly won't. There are no quick fixes, but medication is the closest thing we have.

2) Be careful with your parents. It's clear that they're part of the whole process which got you into this state, and while confronting them may seem like it would resolve it it's likely to only reinforce the self-damaging habits you've picked up.

The best non-medicative therapy for anxiety is generally CBT (cognative behavioural therapy), this is not to deny the use of psychoanalysis but it very rarely helps in this case. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you can just get everything out in the open or discover what's really bugging you it will all go away. The human mind is not a car engine, you don't find the defective part, whip it out, replace it and move on.

CBT is focused on helping you learn to live with your symptoms on a day to day level. It is expensive to get privately, but increasingly less so as it's becoming much more mainstream and is generally a lot quicker and less involved than psychoanalysis. There are even online computerized programs which, while no substitute for a an actual professional, do have some evidence behind them. Try http://www.fearfighter.com/ and http://www.ccbt.co.uk/cope.html for example. I have no personal experience with these, and as said they're not going to be any substitute for real professional help, but it's better than nothing..

3. Don't hold yourself up to an arbitrary standard of where your life should be. Rather than simply feeling sad that you have no friends, ask yourself why. If the answer is that you don't feel comfortable around people or that you haven't really gone out of your way to meet people, then that's fine. Every interaction I've had with you online suggests you're a perfectly nice person who, if they genuinely wanted to make friends and didn't shy away from doing so would be perfectly capable of doing so. The problem isn't that other people have rejected you or don't like you, it's more likely to be that for very good reasons you haven't really put yourself out there or that you don't let people in. Sure, there might be particular obstacles, but you're extremely unlikely to be innately bad with people. It's much more likely to be something you're doing, maybe without even noticing. These things can get better, I promise.

Ugh.. Got to sleep now, but hope that was a little helpful. X

 

[Falconsgyre]

... Yeah... Things have not gotten any better.

For those wondering, I am a young man, 21, and I have been having troubles as of late. I've always been troubled, but a lot of these issues came to the surface when my fiance left. I've been perpetually drifting through life, however, when my fiance left, I lost all ambition and drive. It also came with another side effect... The fear.

Aside from my depression, lack of social skills, and suicidal bouts, I have a major anxiety problem. It's never really been officially diagnosed, but when I went into a doctor's office, I was given anti depressants for it. I stopped taking them when our family lost our insurance and they seemed to make me very sleepy all the time. However, the issue persists.

My symptoms are somewhat hard for me to explain, but I will try. Basically, I life in a state of perpetual fear. I'm often afraid of nothing. Sometimes I have panic attacks in the middle of the day at the slightest provocation. Even tonight... I should be letting the dogs out, or shaving for work tomorrow, or sleeping, but I'm afraid. I don't know of what. My heart is pounding, my chest hurts, and I'm in a state of panic. I've practically gotten used to it in the frequency to which it occurs, but it's so hard to... Do ANYTHING. When aggravated, the problems become especially extreme...

I've been going to school for the past 3 years. Well, I don't know anymore. Since my fiance left, I've been dropping more courses to lighten the load and make things more manageable (I work 20-30 hour work weeks), and that means I won't be graduating on time (in September). I don't know what I can do, my situation is very unique. I just moved to where I am nine months ago (Ontario), and I have no friends. My only family is my step-father (mutual hatred for each other) and my mother (heartless creature, I didn't even tell her I was engaged). I need HELP, but I have no one to turn to. I can't talk to these people. I despise them due to a rough upbringing.

The only other option is my father, but he lives 15 hours away (Moncton New Brunswick) and I cannot talk to the man. I haven't seen him for more than a one week visit in over 7 years, and yeah, he's a nice guy (he knew I was engaged, has offered to let me live there for a the past few months), but I... I don't know. I don't trust him. My step-brother went to my father's and was kicked out due to being lazy and unable to hold down a job, and I feel if I turn to him as a failure (you know, since my school has suffered) he will reject me. But whom else can I turn to? I need to tell everyone that I won't graduate this year eventually, but how? How can I tell them I need help, and have always needed help?

I can feel it right now. I'm exhausted, but my body won't sleep. It won't move. It's 2AM, I'm to be at work by 10, I need to start walking to get there by 8AM (Need to be up before 7) and I just... I can't. I can't move. I'm afraid. In a panic. It hurts terribly. My desk is a mess, I need to go care for the dogs, but I just... I can't. I'm so afraid. What can I do, when I'm too afraid to even sleep? This body is my prison. Please, someone help me.

Your symptoms sound like general anxiety disorder [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_anxiety_disorder] to me. Since I'm not a professional, you should probably treat this like a Web MD diagnosis. If you do have GAD, professional treatment should help. And if you've had a legitimate panic attack, I really, really don't think you can afford NOT to get professional help. I'd also like to note that in more severe cases, doing both medication and therapy are a good idea. Drugs are great, but you shouldn't rely on them alone. Especially in your case, where your problems probably result from life circumstances rather than pure chemistry, an actual human being offering professional advice on how to deal with life problems is probably the best thing you can get.

And a simple fix for you family: ignore them. If you truly despise them, if talking with them is just painful for you, why bother? You said you're working, so it sounds like you're financially independent. Humans are, without exception, innately social creatures, so you need someone to talk to. But they don't have to be people who hate you for who you are or people who will just judge you. And here, a therapist is also a great treatment.

By the way, if a therapist ever tries or suggests psychoanalysis, find another one. Psychoanalysis is complete bullshit. Any benefit you get from psychoanalysis, in all cases, is simply the benefit you get from talking to another human being who listens to your problems. As someone mentioned, cognitive behavioral therapy is a great technique, and is specifically good for treating anxiety disorders.

I've had experience using CBT, with various anti-depressants, and a little bit with anxiety problems (though the actual disorder was major depression). I'm also not going to graduate on time. (And none of my friends cared, just to put that into perspective- a not insignificant proportion of students graduate late, and having a mental disorder is a pretty legitimate reason for it.) If you want to talk more, feel free to send me a PM; I don't know if I'm just weird, but I like talking to other people about their problems and trying to help.

 

[dmase]

To put it plainly tough it out and remember the women isn't worth it. No one is, keep your head up and have fun the rest will follow. Your fun is more important then worrying what other people will think. If your following the law who cares what they think or you do, action not reaction.

 

[Galletea]

Dude you're 21. Try talking to your dad. Does he know about your anxiety issues? It seems that if you truly have no one else you can turn to you might as well give it a go. What happened to your brother does not have to be the same for you.

Talk to him first. Then think about it.

 

[LuckyClover95]

Although I would love to support you just as everyone else here would, we're not professionals. I wish I could help, but I don't know what you expect us to do... you know that all we can tell you is to see a professional. Or buy a book.
I hope you feel better asap <3

 

[rutger5000]

I lack the lifeexperience or wisdom to give any real advice here.
But I'd say: Go to self-help groups, you can talk about your problems, get some proper help and maybe make some friends. Also try to learn how to meditate. That should help against the panick attacks.
Oowh and as for the lack of confidence goes. From what you told us about yourself, I feel that you are a magnificant person. Be more proud on yourself.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meds. You can figure all the rest out when you're on firmer ground. But from my experience, I wouldn't even think about the situation you're in without them, because you will lose sight of objectivity and fall into a vicious cycle of bad beliefs.

 

[renegade7]

some advice from someone who has had a similar plight....

1.) get help from a professional.

2.) find a hobby. something to keep your mind occupied. For me, it was Warhammer 40k. The painting and building gave me something to do, and joining a group gave me a reason to get out of the house.

 

[Fawcks]

First off, thank you to everyone for your replies. Sorry I have been late responding, got a virus on my PC and it took a good two days of messing around in safe mode to clean it because the PC would lock me out of all my programs in normal operation mode. Luckily, it's all repaired now, and is working just fine. I had a MAJOR panic episode that night, I was too exhausted to work on the PC problem, but panicing so hard because the virus scared me so bad I couldn't sleep for hours.

Then again, it's currently 5:30 AM, and I work in 6 hours, so for me that's par for the course. I'll be up in less than 4 hours. I have real problems with this whole sleep thing.

I'm not asking you reach out to your mom, who sounds like a horrible person, I'm saying seek professional help, as in a psychiatrist or some such person. I'm not even lying when I say that your case is probably not the worst that has been seen by many psychiatrists out there, by a long shot. That being said, their is no guarantee that it would work, but it is the best advice I can give you.

I'm mostly just afraid because mother would find out if I tried to seek out help. That would be fairly disastrous...

1) Go back on anti-depressants. Tiredness is a common side effect but should get better after a few weeks maximum. Anti-depressants take a long time (a month or two) to work and can make you feel pretty lousy in the meantime (I spent a week throwing up last time I changed my medication) but like most drugs you will learn to tolerate them with minimal side effects. Beware of food cravings though, those can be quite persistent and gaining weight is not good for your self esteem.

If I can get some more medicine, I should... Likely... I know I have some left from last time, but I'd have to see a doctor. I'd be devastated if I gained substantial weight, my physical appearance is about the only thing I like about myself. I was a bit of a tubby growing up, so I got picked on frequently at school and by my family for being overweight. I stopped eating lunch and breakfast from grade 7 onward and lost a lot of weight though. Needless to say it's very important to me.

Anti-depressants can have an effect on some forms anxiety, but if you find it's not sufficient to stop you panicking I would strongly suggest anti-psychotics (major tranquilizers). They are not fun to take and have more severe side effects compared with anti-depressants and they can have some effect on your personality which a lot of people find a bit weird at first. However, unlike anti-depressants they work pretty quickly and are very effective at treating panic. I can attest to this myself. If your panic attacks are ruining your life, then it's worth it without question. Because they work so quickly you can always come off them and then go back on if you still feel crap.

I'll keep this in mind, wary as I am regarding these, because the last doctor I went to was obviously reluctant to treat me with them (Not sure why). Or he just wanted to push that anti depressant, because practically five minutes into the discussion he said, "Are you unhappy?" I responded, "Well, no more unhappy than most I guess", and he just gave me a prescription for the same antidepressant the rest of my family was on. Like he worked off commission or something.

It is easy to become demoralized and stop taking your medication. This is an impulse you must avoid at all costs. Medication is the most important part of psychiatric treatment. No amount of talking to anyone about anything is ever guaranteed to help, in fact it almost certainly won't. There are no quick fixes, but medication is the closest thing we have.

I'll keep this in mind, thanks... Though I was so tired all the time, and to be honest, I hate sleeping. Sleeping terrifies me. I get around 4 hours of sleep a night, I put off sleeping as much as I can. The sooner I sleep, the sooner tomorrow comes. I hate tomorrow. So I hate sleeping.

2) Be careful with your parents. It's clear that they're part of the whole process which got you into this state, and while confronting them may seem like it would resolve it it's likely to only reinforce the self-damaging habits you've picked up.

The best non-medicative therapy for anxiety is generally CBT (cognative behavioural therapy), this is not to deny the use of psychoanalysis but it very rarely helps in this case. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you can just get everything out in the open or discover what's really bugging you it will all go away. The human mind is not a car engine, you don't find the defective part, whip it out, replace it and move on.

Maybe my mother, mostly... I've never been good enough for her. She's always been on me about being so lazy, never noticing my lethargy has been the result of lack of drive and lack of motivation due to the fact that I am miserable all the time and merely don't see how ANYTHING could change my perception of life. I hate it. The days when I believed myself to be "happy", when I was with my fiance, seem like such a dream now.

I'll make sure to tell my physician that, though I am generally not knowledgeable regarding either method, I shall make my position known when (if?) I see a doctor regarding my troubles.

CBT is focused on helping you learn to live with your symptoms on a day to day level. It is expensive to get privately, but increasingly less so as it's becoming much more mainstream and is generally a lot quicker and less involved than psychoanalysis. There are even online computerized programs which, while no substitute for a an actual professional, do have some evidence behind them. Try http://www.fearfighter.com/ and http://www.ccbt.co.uk/cope.html for example. I have no personal experience with these, and as said they're not going to be any substitute for real professional help, but it's better than nothing..

That makes sense... The cost is a bit of a put off, of course, just because I have a fairly limited budget. This includes for fixing my head, heehee. Sadly, I can't get on to either of those sites without a patient ID, which makes sense. Well, maybe later. I am pretty shy and quiet in person, so it might be better for me to try those than to attempt outward speaking to an individual.

3. Don't hold yourself up to an arbitrary standard of where your life should be. Rather than simply feeling sad that you have no friends, ask yourself why. If the answer is that you don't feel comfortable around people or that you haven't really gone out of your way to meet people, then that's fine. Every interaction I've had with you online suggests you're a perfectly nice person who, if they genuinely wanted to make friends and didn't shy away from doing so would be perfectly capable of doing so. The problem isn't that other people have rejected you or don't like you, it's more likely to be that for very good reasons you haven't really put yourself out there or that you don't let people in. Sure, there might be particular obstacles, but you're extremely unlikely to be innately bad with people. It's much more likely to be something you're doing, maybe without even noticing. These things can get better, I promise.

I've always had trouble with this. Talking to people, being "close" to them in particular. I can't think of anyone I know I trust confiding in, which is also why I don't try to create friendships. If people know more about me, they'll reject me. So I keep all my relationships at double arms distance. I think you put a bit too much faith in my being a good guy, however. Reminds me of an old female acquaintance I knew, who always reassured me of this fact no matter how I attempted to dissuade her. My fiance tried to do that too, but who knows if she still feels that way. It may have all been a lie, too.

I appreciate your help, though. Thanks. You're a nice guy.

Your symptoms sound like general anxiety disorder [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_anxiety_disorder] to me. Since I'm not a professional, you should probably treat this like a Web MD diagnosis. If you do have GAD, professional treatment should help. And if you've had a legitimate panic attack, I really, really don't think you can afford NOT to get professional help. I'd also like to note that in more severe cases, doing both medication and therapy are a good idea. Drugs are great, but you shouldn't rely on them alone. Especially in your case, where your problems probably result from life circumstances rather than pure chemistry, an actual human being offering professional advice on how to deal with life problems is probably the best thing you can get.

Yes, I have had several panic attacks. I had an episode at work recently where I was forced to stop working, lean onto the nearest table and just breathe while I attempted to steady myself. They can be quite debilitating. Of course, I appreciate the advice and will keep it in mind. i take it you support CBT as well, given your experiences, and I appreciate your invitation. I may take you up on it, but I wouldn't hold your breath on it, considering I am very shy and do not like to impose on people even with legitimate reason to... Even if invited.

Oh, and sadly, I am not yet financially independent. Most of my money I earn from work goes to school. I still live at home, which complicates matters to say the least.

Dude you're 21. Try talking to your dad. Does he know about your anxiety issues? It seems that if you truly have no one else you can turn to you might as well give it a go. What happened to your brother does not have to be the same for you.

Talk to him first. Then think about it.

My father and I have not met within a more broad scope than a simple telephone call in the last seven years, so no, he doesn't know about that. He doesn't know I was engaged, either. Neither does my mother. My father really does scare me, though. It really is too bad he is, without a question, my last hope.

I lack the lifeexperience or wisdom to give any real advice here.
But I'd say: Go to self-help groups, you can talk about your problems, get some proper help and maybe make some friends. Also try to learn how to meditate. That should help against the panick attacks.
Oowh and as for the lack of confidence goes. From what you told us about yourself, I feel that you are a magnificant person. Be more proud on yourself.

I'll consider it, sadly, transportation remains a constant problem. I wanted to get an electric scooter (they can be driven as cars around here, but at the same time are legally referred to as bikes, meaning no license or insurance is required; I do have a license, but insurance is costly), but my mother seemed to frown heavily on the idea so i went against it.

I think you're far too generous to me. I'm not a nice person. I'm greedy, self-centered, and a coward... To put my faults in short form.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meds. You can figure all the rest out when you're on firmer ground. But from my experience, I wouldn't even think about the situation you're in without them, because you will lose sight of objectivity and fall into a vicious cycle of bad beliefs.

Hopefully I can muster up the courage to act on this this weekend, then. Frankly, all I've been doing about it is worrying without acting on anything. I'm too scared to tell anyone, because if my mother and step father find out, terrible things will happen.

some advice from someone who has had a similar plight....

1.) get help from a professional.

2.) find a hobby. something to keep your mind occupied. For me, it was Warhammer 40k. The painting and building gave me something to do, and joining a group gave me a reason to get out of the house.

I used to play card games a bit. Since we moved, the area I'm in now only has a tournament once a month, and it's at a time where I usually work... And I generally have to pick up shifts in lieu of attending... A shame, really, but the tournament is a rip off anyways. It costs 8$ to enter, the prize is 2$ * the number of entrants. What a rip... if you don't WIN, you get nothing. Sorry. Slight rant.

 

[similar.squirrel]

I usually wouldn't say this, but have you thought about joining a church of some sort? I'm profoundly anti-theistic, but that idea of community and support for free sounds beneficial to somebody in your situation. Belief in their deity is neither here nor there.

 

[Falconsgyre]

First off, thank you to everyone for your replies. Sorry I have been late responding, got a virus on my PC and it took a good two days of messing around in safe mode to clean it because the PC would lock me out of all my programs in normal operation mode. Luckily, it's all repaired now, and is working just fine. I had a MAJOR panic episode that night, I was too exhausted to work on the PC problem, but panicing so hard because the virus scared me so bad I couldn't sleep for hours.

Then again, it's currently 5:30 AM, and I work in 6 hours, so for me that's par for the course. I'll be up in less than 4 hours. I have real problems with this whole sleep thing.

Your symptoms sound like general anxiety disorder [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_anxiety_disorder] to me. Since I'm not a professional, you should probably treat this like a Web MD diagnosis. If you do have GAD, professional treatment should help. And if you've had a legitimate panic attack, I really, really don't think you can afford NOT to get professional help. I'd also like to note that in more severe cases, doing both medication and therapy are a good idea. Drugs are great, but you shouldn't rely on them alone. Especially in your case, where your problems probably result from life circumstances rather than pure chemistry, an actual human being offering professional advice on how to deal with life problems is probably the best thing you can get.

Yes, I have had several panic attacks. I had an episode at work recently where I was forced to stop working, lean onto the nearest table and just breathe while I attempted to steady myself. They can be quite debilitating. Of course, I appreciate the advice and will keep it in mind. i take it you support CBT as well, given your experiences, and I appreciate your invitation. I may take you up on it, but I wouldn't hold your breath on it, considering I am very shy and do not like to impose on people even with legitimate reason to... Even if invited.

Oh, and sadly, I am not yet financially independent. Most of my money I earn from work goes to school. I still live at home, which complicates matters to say the least.

Yes, I've heard panic attacks can be really bad. Apparently, the first time you have one almost feels like you're dying. Anyway, it's not an imposition for me to talk to people; I'm shy, too, but I always enjoy conversations. Best of luck to you either way.

Not being financially independent definitely complicates things, since you can't avoid dealing with your family now. Mental health issues still have a lot of stigma, so I'm not comfortable just plainly advising you to talk with your family if they honestly might reject you for it. But you need someone in real life to open up to, otherwise you'll go crazy. "Suicidal bouts" is... not comforting. If you've gotten to the point where you've written a note or made a concrete plan, you need to tell someone immediately.

You sound like you're in a tough spot. Good luck.