I was going to put this in the reviews section, but I wasn't able to write something coherent or balanced enough to be called a review so I'm just going to regurgitate it over here. Be warned that I'm about to write something biased that's totally unfair to a good movie. I'm quite aware of that. Just consider this a stupid rant (which, truth be told, it is). Also be warned that, as I allow myself to slip back into nerdrage mode, I will become overly fond of the word "fuck". If you don't like that, fuck off. Also also be warned that there will be SPOILERS. Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie yet. Seriously, don't.
I just saw the movie Kick-Ass, and before I start whining about crap noone cares about, allow me to say one thing: Yes, it is a good, fun movie. Yes, you probably should go see it as soon as possible. So why make a nerd rage topic about a movie I liked? Because I read the comic before the movie was made. Right, it's that kind of nerd rage.
You see, the movie is fairly true to the story. For the most part, all of the visual and storyline changes either make sense or are very forgivable considering the differences between comic books and movies. However, there are a few things about this movie that are totally retarded. They make no sense, and fuck the details of a good story right up the ass. Allow me to list them one by one.
The Girl
Kick-Ass gets the girl. Wait, let me repeat that: Kick-Ass gets the girl. If you've read the comic but haven't seen the movie yet, you will see why this induces The Rage. In the comic, the hero is a loser who becomes popular by putting on a costume. He's a total douche, but everyone thinks he's cool because he's a real-life superhero. The moment he confesses his love to the girl of his dreams in his 'civilian identity', he gets beaten up by her boyfriend. It not only averts the 'the hero gets the girl'-trope where awkward geek Peter Parker ends up with supermodel Mary-Jane Watson, but also adds to the whole deconstruction of the superhero genre. Yeah you might be a superhero, but in real-life you're still a loser.
In the movie, the girl jumps on Kick-Ass' dick the moment he tells her he loves her. The girl who used to make fun of him instantly falls madly in love with the guy and has sex with him right after finding out he'd been lying to her for as long as they've been 'friends'. The ***** turns into a devoted lover in an instant for NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL other than to please the fucking morons they believe their audience to be. This is so fucking typical fucking Hollywood fucking nonsense. Can we have ONE FUCKING MOVIE ending without the hero getting the fucking girl in the end? Is that too much to ask? I can just imagine some douchebag going "oh hey the lonely nerd doesn't get the girl, our lonely nerd audience won't like that!" Fuck you, Hollywood.
The Villain
Red Mist. I like Red Mist. He's an asshole, a loser, and a spineless backstabber, but he's still kinda cool and he works with the setting. Why do I hate him in the movie? I don't. I hate the way he's used in the movie. You see, Red Mist is the son of the main bad guy, who pretends to be a superhero in order to lure the other superheroes into a trap. In the comics, this is somewhat predictable. In the movie, THEY FUCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU THE FUCKING MOMENT THE GUY COMES INTO PLAY. How retarded do you think your audience is? Are we really such drooling morons that we need every plot point explained to us in detail? I mean, it wasn't that hard to figure out in the comic, but did you have to fucking make the guy say "HEY I'M GOING TO LURE THIS MORON INTO A TRAP BY PRETENDING TO BE A SUPERHERO AND BECOME HIS FRIEND"? Jesus fuck man, what the fuck is up with that?
The Anti-Hero
In the comic, Big Daddy is fucked up. Like, seriously fucked up. He's a comic book geek who abducts his own daughter and brainwashes her into becoming his superhero sidekick. He invents a story about being an ex-cop whose wife got killed by gangsters, and now they gotta take revenge. He uses that as an excuse to train the both of them into trained killers. He gets the money for their hardcore vigilante games by selling his huge collection of super-valuable superhero comics. Let me put that in a tasty image: HE ABDUCTS HIS BABY DAUGHTER AND TURNS HER INTO A PSYCHOTIC MURDERER JUST SO HE CAN PLAY OUT HIS SUPERHERO FETISH FANTASIES BECAUSE COMICS ARE NO LONGER ENOUGH TO GET HIM HARD. That's seriously fucked up. In the movie however, they figured Big Daddy would be too crazy for our feeble little bleeding hearts, so they turned him into FRANK FUCKING CASTLE. That's right: Everything that was just his fucked-up violence fantasy in the comic is REAL in the movie. He was a hero cop who got framed by the bad guys, his wife died (ok so she wasn't murdered but committed suicide, big fucking deal since they still make a fucking point about that being the bad guy's fault). What the fuck? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? Way to fucking kill the whole fucking point, you fucking douchebags. The comic is at least partially a deconstruction of how fucked-up the idea is of real people playing superhero, and you're GIVING THE FUCKING ****** A TRAGIC SUPERHERO BACKGROUND? DID YOU NOT FUCKING SEE THE BEGINNING OF YOUR OWN FUCKING MOVIE MAKE FUN OF THAT VERY TROPE? FEEL MY ALLCAPS RAGE, YOU WANKSTAINS!
The Hero
Kick-Ass is a loser who wants to play superhero. He's a nice guy really, but also a lame loser who isn't really cut out for heroics. That's kind of the point of the whole story. Of course, that's not good enough for our moviegoing audience, is it? They came to see an action movie, so it's action they'll get! Quick, find me some awesome action guy to play the hero! What, the hero is a fucking loser who fights with some kinda lame sticks? OUR AUDIENCE OF BRAINDAMAGED RETARDS WON'T ACCEPT A WUSSY LOSER AS THE MAIN CHARACTER, WE NEED TO MAKE HIM MANLIER! GIMME SOME TESTOSTERONE, STAT! I KNOW, LET'S GIVE HIM A HOT GIRL, AND HAVE HIM FUCK HER SILLY ON-SCREEN! wait we already covered that bit I KNOW LET'S GIVE HIM A GATLING GUN! FUCK YEAR, MICHAEL BAY WOULD JIZZ ALL OVER THIS SHIT, BITCHES! YOU KNOW WHAT, ONE GATLING GUN IS FOR FUCKING WEAKLINGS LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER IN PREDATOR, WE'LL GIVE HIM TWO GATLING GUNS FUCK I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT! JESUS I'M UNSTOPPABLE, THIS'LL BE THE BEST THING EVER, WAIT I'VE GOT SOMETHING EVEN MORE AWESOME, LET'S GIVE HIM A FUCKING JETPACK AS WELL OH GOD OH GOD I'M HAVING A FUCKING HEARTATTACK HERE OVER HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS WILL BE JESUS THE ONLY THING THAT'S MISSING IS TO KILL THE BAD GUY IN A BIG FUCKING EXPLOSION IN MID AIR JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NOW WHO'S THE FUCKING LOSER, THIS GUY IS A FUCKING TYRANNOSAUR ON STEROIDS BABY FUCK YEAH. Oh wait, what was that? Plot? Character development? Eh, who needs those, we've got a kick-ass finale!
Before anyone whines about it: Yes, I'm totally overreacting. Go cry about it.
I just saw the movie Kick-Ass, and before I start whining about crap noone cares about, allow me to say one thing: Yes, it is a good, fun movie. Yes, you probably should go see it as soon as possible. So why make a nerd rage topic about a movie I liked? Because I read the comic before the movie was made. Right, it's that kind of nerd rage.
You see, the movie is fairly true to the story. For the most part, all of the visual and storyline changes either make sense or are very forgivable considering the differences between comic books and movies. However, there are a few things about this movie that are totally retarded. They make no sense, and fuck the details of a good story right up the ass. Allow me to list them one by one.
The Girl
Kick-Ass gets the girl. Wait, let me repeat that: Kick-Ass gets the girl. If you've read the comic but haven't seen the movie yet, you will see why this induces The Rage. In the comic, the hero is a loser who becomes popular by putting on a costume. He's a total douche, but everyone thinks he's cool because he's a real-life superhero. The moment he confesses his love to the girl of his dreams in his 'civilian identity', he gets beaten up by her boyfriend. It not only averts the 'the hero gets the girl'-trope where awkward geek Peter Parker ends up with supermodel Mary-Jane Watson, but also adds to the whole deconstruction of the superhero genre. Yeah you might be a superhero, but in real-life you're still a loser.
In the movie, the girl jumps on Kick-Ass' dick the moment he tells her he loves her. The girl who used to make fun of him instantly falls madly in love with the guy and has sex with him right after finding out he'd been lying to her for as long as they've been 'friends'. The ***** turns into a devoted lover in an instant for NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL other than to please the fucking morons they believe their audience to be. This is so fucking typical fucking Hollywood fucking nonsense. Can we have ONE FUCKING MOVIE ending without the hero getting the fucking girl in the end? Is that too much to ask? I can just imagine some douchebag going "oh hey the lonely nerd doesn't get the girl, our lonely nerd audience won't like that!" Fuck you, Hollywood.
The Villain
Red Mist. I like Red Mist. He's an asshole, a loser, and a spineless backstabber, but he's still kinda cool and he works with the setting. Why do I hate him in the movie? I don't. I hate the way he's used in the movie. You see, Red Mist is the son of the main bad guy, who pretends to be a superhero in order to lure the other superheroes into a trap. In the comics, this is somewhat predictable. In the movie, THEY FUCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU THE FUCKING MOMENT THE GUY COMES INTO PLAY. How retarded do you think your audience is? Are we really such drooling morons that we need every plot point explained to us in detail? I mean, it wasn't that hard to figure out in the comic, but did you have to fucking make the guy say "HEY I'M GOING TO LURE THIS MORON INTO A TRAP BY PRETENDING TO BE A SUPERHERO AND BECOME HIS FRIEND"? Jesus fuck man, what the fuck is up with that?
The Anti-Hero
In the comic, Big Daddy is fucked up. Like, seriously fucked up. He's a comic book geek who abducts his own daughter and brainwashes her into becoming his superhero sidekick. He invents a story about being an ex-cop whose wife got killed by gangsters, and now they gotta take revenge. He uses that as an excuse to train the both of them into trained killers. He gets the money for their hardcore vigilante games by selling his huge collection of super-valuable superhero comics. Let me put that in a tasty image: HE ABDUCTS HIS BABY DAUGHTER AND TURNS HER INTO A PSYCHOTIC MURDERER JUST SO HE CAN PLAY OUT HIS SUPERHERO FETISH FANTASIES BECAUSE COMICS ARE NO LONGER ENOUGH TO GET HIM HARD. That's seriously fucked up. In the movie however, they figured Big Daddy would be too crazy for our feeble little bleeding hearts, so they turned him into FRANK FUCKING CASTLE. That's right: Everything that was just his fucked-up violence fantasy in the comic is REAL in the movie. He was a hero cop who got framed by the bad guys, his wife died (ok so she wasn't murdered but committed suicide, big fucking deal since they still make a fucking point about that being the bad guy's fault). What the fuck? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? Way to fucking kill the whole fucking point, you fucking douchebags. The comic is at least partially a deconstruction of how fucked-up the idea is of real people playing superhero, and you're GIVING THE FUCKING ****** A TRAGIC SUPERHERO BACKGROUND? DID YOU NOT FUCKING SEE THE BEGINNING OF YOUR OWN FUCKING MOVIE MAKE FUN OF THAT VERY TROPE? FEEL MY ALLCAPS RAGE, YOU WANKSTAINS!
The Hero
Kick-Ass is a loser who wants to play superhero. He's a nice guy really, but also a lame loser who isn't really cut out for heroics. That's kind of the point of the whole story. Of course, that's not good enough for our moviegoing audience, is it? They came to see an action movie, so it's action they'll get! Quick, find me some awesome action guy to play the hero! What, the hero is a fucking loser who fights with some kinda lame sticks? OUR AUDIENCE OF BRAINDAMAGED RETARDS WON'T ACCEPT A WUSSY LOSER AS THE MAIN CHARACTER, WE NEED TO MAKE HIM MANLIER! GIMME SOME TESTOSTERONE, STAT! I KNOW, LET'S GIVE HIM A HOT GIRL, AND HAVE HIM FUCK HER SILLY ON-SCREEN! wait we already covered that bit I KNOW LET'S GIVE HIM A GATLING GUN! FUCK YEAR, MICHAEL BAY WOULD JIZZ ALL OVER THIS SHIT, BITCHES! YOU KNOW WHAT, ONE GATLING GUN IS FOR FUCKING WEAKLINGS LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER IN PREDATOR, WE'LL GIVE HIM TWO GATLING GUNS FUCK I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT! JESUS I'M UNSTOPPABLE, THIS'LL BE THE BEST THING EVER, WAIT I'VE GOT SOMETHING EVEN MORE AWESOME, LET'S GIVE HIM A FUCKING JETPACK AS WELL OH GOD OH GOD I'M HAVING A FUCKING HEARTATTACK HERE OVER HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS WILL BE JESUS THE ONLY THING THAT'S MISSING IS TO KILL THE BAD GUY IN A BIG FUCKING EXPLOSION IN MID AIR JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NOW WHO'S THE FUCKING LOSER, THIS GUY IS A FUCKING TYRANNOSAUR ON STEROIDS BABY FUCK YEAH. Oh wait, what was that? Plot? Character development? Eh, who needs those, we've got a kick-ass finale!
Before anyone whines about it: Yes, I'm totally overreacting. Go cry about it.
