Independence Versus Taking Help

[tippy2k2]

I've got a strange problem and I'm curious about other people's opinion (Ideally the 21+ crowd...sorry youngions but I'm not sure how well you will be able to relate to this). I initially was going to put this into Off-Topic but realized I might get better answers here...

I am 28 years old (about to be 29...going casket shopping soon ) and I have lived in a studio apartment for the last three years. I certainly get by on what I have but I am more or less living paycheck to paycheck in OK conditions (Protip: Don't go to a private college unless you're going for something that NEEDS a degree like Doctor or Lawyer). I've never had to go hungry but I'm not exactly well off...

My Dad routinely offers to pay for my groceries, clothing, cell phone, entertainment etc. While I 100% appreciate what he's trying to do, I'm always hesitant to actually take him up on it. Usually I will let him pay for the entertainment stuff (we go golfing fairly often in the summer; I wouldn't be able to go if he didn't and I like to think he's getting as much fun out of it as I am) but each time he invites me out to get groceries or other necessities, I try to get out of it.

I'm conflicted about it because at what point am I an adult who can make it on their own versus still being an overgrown kid who needs mommy and daddies help to survive? It's not like I won't take help (my Dad covers my cell phone bill with a family plan and my Mum gives me $100 a month to help chip at my student loans) but for whatever reason, it feels different when it's stuff like this.

I'm curious what other people think about this. Am I being foolish turning this stuff down (my sister has no problem taking it)? Am I being hypocritical by taking some stuff but not taking this? Am I correct that it feels like I'm being a man-child if I had my parents pay for everything?

I'm sure there are people who would KILL to have this "problem" but I can't help but feel like it's wrong to take it...

 

[Savagezion]

Well, I have had very little help since I hit 18. I wouldn't worry much about it. It seems you are battling your pride but that battle will ensue with or without your parents help. Only you'll be poor and live as such. I am in my 30s now and make a decent living supporting myself. Help would have been nice stepping into adulthood. As I said you will battle that battle of pride either way. Yes, it will feel good to do good by your own merit, but this is also a way to in a way bond with your parents. Not just golf time, but you are getting front row seats to their financial investments. You happen to be one of them. Ultimately, it's a judgement call on your part whenever they offer help. There really isn't a wrong choice if they are offering free of consequence. however, I recommend not applying guilt as a consequence yourself. I would bet they don't intend that so it kind of taints the gift/help they are offering. I understand wanting to carve your own way, but many people try and never do. Those with help have a higher success rate. I am not saying you don't respect the help, but whenever your feeling bad about it, try to instead change that perspective to admiration. I will say going without a few times will light the fire under your ass. But don't sweat needing help, we all do. You are lucky enough to have access to it.

 

[Vendor-Lazarus]

If I was in your situation I would most likely do exactly what you are doing, unless I was in a real pinch for coming up with money to pay the rent.
I'm 29 going on 30 in Feb, and I have had very little monetary help from my parents even since I hit 18.
Support in other forms such as helping to look for jobs and giving me an overall platform to stand/hang on to I've had.
Actually, the place I'm living in is an apartment on my mothers estate that I'm renting from her.
As does my sister who rents another apartment here.
In my early 20's I had finished college and was looking to relax until I had decided on what to study further.
I never got the chance what with one thing and another, I had to go out looking for a job.
I didn't find one for 5 years. I had to go to the social workers and request/beg for rent money just to be able to have a roof over my head (with some left over for food).
I think my mother would have offered me shelter but that would have come with various conditions and requirements that would have put a further dent in my self-esteem and independence.
I remember one spring to autumn that I went without any food to speak of really. I was in essence starving.
Another thing I did not tell my mother.

Anyway, after help from my mothers sambo I finally got a job and after 3 years working I had 200000kr in my bank account.
A sizable sum.
What did I do with it? Nothing...I've found out that I lack any drive whatsoever.
Which is probably why I still live alone and renting an apartment from mother.
Not that I have any time left when working, the hours and commute-time are brutal.

I think Independence is a good thing to strive for along with keeping sight of your goals.
If you need or have help when in trouble, that is nothing to be ashamed of, but becoming too dependent could also hamper any progress towards your own life.

It sounds like you have struck a fair balance between the two (unless you are barely getting by?).
I can relate to your situation somewhat, especially about your sister getting more attention/stuff, "The wheel that squeaks loudest gets most of the fat" to quote a German proverb.

I wish you good luck on achieving you goals and making your own life.

 

[tippy2k2]

let the old man win at golf.

Let him win at golf?!? He'd have to be the one to take one hell of a dive for me to get anywhere near him (I picked up golf three years ago; he's been playing since before I was born).

Also, I should put this in the OP because I don't think I was very clear about it. My parents are divorced; My Dad is the one advocating that I let him do a lot of this stuff. My Mum wouldn't be angry or disappointed in me if I did it but she thinks it's a very bad idea. She has no problem helping me along (like I said, she kicks me $100 a month to help with student loans and she lets me come over each weekend so I can do my laundry w/o paying for the laundromat) but she's a big advocate on the "Independence" part of this thread...

I suppose that's the main stickler for me is that I lived with my Mum growing up (my sister with my Dad) and I value and respect her opinion above everyone else's. She was booted out of the house at 18 and fought for everything she's got so her views on it might be a bit skewed (she doesn't hate my Dad but she sure doesn't like him).

 

[Smooth Operator]

I would go for independence as much as possible. Obviously don't take it to the proud homeless guy extent, but unless you are at the bitter limit do always try to work shit out on your own because at some point you will be all on your own and if you didn't learn to fend for yourself that moment will break you completely.

I was at that point not too long ago, going to a job that actually wasn't even paying my most basic food and bills. But while I knew things are bad I still never took the time to sit down and work out my money flow, no I just sat there hoping and waiting for shit to work itself out via magic. Well it doesn't, my boss didn't want to pay me the regular rate because that is money in his pocket and I just went along like an imbecile until it came down to loosing my place.
Only then did I sit down what sort of money I actually make versus my expenses, and surprise surprise I've been burning my savings for the past bloody year by working at a place that never intended to pay me properly.
So I strongly suggest you start with that, write down and add up where the money is going, and start looking for new employment options because no one except you gives a shit if you barely make a living for the rest of your existence.