Inn0cence: Lost Future (Rough Draft Pitch Document)

Jared Jeanquart

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So, I kind of wish there was a more specific sub-forum for this, but here it goes.

For nearly a year now, Ive been working on and off on a pipe dream. An action/rpg where you play as a body-jumping AI in a post-apocalyptic future, the wild card in a conflict between the remnants of humanity, a malicious machine collective, and an alliance of leftover robots. Thematically, its like if Wall-E had to fight Skynet, and it involves subjects like child abuse and neglect, racism, environmentalism, and the whole "Do androids dream of electric sheep?" thing. The "big deal" is that the AI you play as, Cenn, is a blank-slate newborn, thus the title.

What I have so far is concept art and the beginnings of pitch document, along with a well-developed setting and mythology. Ive had a lot of help along the way, particularly from the denizens of /tg/.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/94938989/Lost-Future-Pitch-Document

Everything after the art dump is particularly rough, mind you; needs a lot of re-writes. But I'd love a brutal critique from the escapist community. In particular, I need to know if I'm effectively conveying the concept; I obviously know it back-to-front, and thus can sometimes leave out basic stuff.

What needs adding, what needs changing, and what needs removal? And yes, I know that this is an absurd pipe dream; Ive had a lot of fun just working on it.

Blurb:
The end of the world has come and gone. Life goes on. Humanity picks over the ruins and slowly tries to rebuild, but they are no longer alone.

Autonomous machines share the Lost Future with homo sapiens. New to freedom, guileless, and inquisitive, these emergent sentients are in their infancy as a race, but they learn quickly. Already they repair themselves, improve their hardware and software, and nurture divergent quirks. Relations between the two are strained, and Free Machines face suspicion and accusation as the true tale of theLoss fades from memory.

The suspicion is not unwarranted. Rumors of hostile machines spread fromthe north. Swift, deadly constructs out of an elder's fireside tale, killing or,sometimes, capturing human and machine alike. A scattered humanity arms itself for a battle the machines are already fighting.

Remorseless contraptions of deathstalk the fallow fields and ruined cities yet again, guided by a singular intelligence that brooks no dissent. The those who stand against it call it Network.

Welcome to the Lost Future. C:\dos\run for your life


o-[|||]-o
 

Jared Jeanquart

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We Don't Go to Dumping Zone 28

The zombie level is a time-honored tradition of high-caliber action shooters (half-life 2, Halo, Uncharted, Resistance), and such an opportunity should not be missed.midway through, a mission to locate a Mcguffin forces the player to enter a vast dump avoided by all others.

And for good reason; the place is infested with robot zombies. Long ago, a half-functional robot was dumped there, and blindly attemptedto repair itself by linking with another machine's hardware. The resulting mind was quite insane, and a horrible souless gestalt has beengrowing ever since. Umbilical data cables snake throughout the dump, making the trash hills writhe like the flesh of a maggot-infestedcorpse.

Here dwell the Cobbled: shells that walk without software. Cobbled range from typical shambling androids and discarded dolls-like Replicas to huge centipedes made out of torsos linked in series, each one controlled like a puppet by the data cables, which all lead back to the Core Entity. Now residing in a massive bloated spider body made out of screaming robot heads, the Entity constantly seeks new minds to add to its discordant internal choir.

While really just an excuse for Robot Zombies to exist, the Cobbled are a commentary on the shoddy treatment of technology; humanityhad managed to imbue its creations with a genuine approximation of Soul, and yet still treated them like commodities, discarding them forthe latest model without a second thought. Their ability to self-improve forever lost, the dead, stagnant data within their drives still seeks tofunction, to experience, to live, and resents those machines who retain that vital essence.

In gameplay terms, Cobbled can be weakened or disabled by severing their umbilical data cables. But, new cables will eventually reconnectto the inert shell, forcing the player to run, or waste time and resources by wrecking the inert bodies.

The Cobbled can be a recurring threat in later installments, as well as a foe for expansion DLC and multiplayer modes.
 

Tallim

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That's kind of nice. Seems to be a mix of several much older games, then rounded out.

In terms of the pitch there is a quote from a developer from quite a while back about pitching games to publishers.
: "Don't start with the story ever as they don't give a shit"

In fact you might want to take a look at this (and related articles) if you are serious about pitching this to anyone ever.

http://www.gamasutra.com/view/feature/6200/how_to_pitch_your_project_to_.php


From a personal perspective I would lose that whole "Demographics" section at the end. It's a horribly pretentious bit of writing full of slang and seemingly biased opinions which has no place in a pitch in my eyes.

Hmm I have more thoughts but I'm running late for something.
 

Smooth Operator

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That is very nicely put together mate, I feel like you should be in some developers IP board meeting with that, I don't even want to read the whole thing in case it gets made and I got all the spoilers.

Problem is this seems like it would only work as a big budget project so like Tallim said you probably need to start thinking about a highly professional approach.
But even so I would strongly suggest you find an indie team that could make something close to your goal and hone your game there, gives you a much better stepping stone for future projects.
 

asacatman

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Aug 2, 2008
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Jared Jeanquart said:
So, I kind of wish there was a more specific sub-forum for this, but here it goes.

For nearly a year now, Ive been working on and off on a pipe dream. An action/rpg where you play as a body-jumping AI in a post-apocalyptic future, the wild card in a conflict between the remnants of humanity, a malicious machine collective, and an alliance of leftover robots. Thematically, its like if Wall-E had to fight Skynet, and it involves subjects like child abuse and neglect, racism, environmentalism, and the whole "Do androids dream of electric sheep?" thing. The "big deal" is that the AI you play as, Cenn, is a blank-slate newborn, thus the title.

What I have so far is concept art and the beginnings of pitch document, along with a well-developed setting and mythology. Ive had a lot of help along the way, particularly from the denizens of /tg/.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/94938989/Lost-Future-Pitch-Document

Everything after the art dump is particularly rough, mind you; needs a lot of re-writes. But I'd love a brutal critique from the escapist community. In particular, I need to know if I'm effectively conveying the concept; I obviously know it back-to-front, and thus can sometimes leave out basic stuff.

What needs adding, what needs changing, and what needs removal? And yes, I know that this is an absurd pipe dream; Ive had a lot of fun just working on it.

Blurb:
The end of the world has come and gone. Life goes on. Humanity picks over the ruins and slowly tries to rebuild, but they are no longer alone.

Autonomous machines share the Lost Future with homo sapiens. New to freedom, guileless, and inquisitive, these emergent sentients are in their infancy as a race, but they learn quickly. Already they repair themselves, improve their hardware and software, and nurture divergent quirks. Relations between the two are strained, and Free Machines face suspicion and accusation as the true tale of theLoss fades from memory.

The suspicion is not unwarranted. Rumors of hostile machines spread fromthe north. Swift, deadly constructs out of an elder's fireside tale, killing or,sometimes, capturing human and machine alike. A scattered humanity arms itself for a battle the machines are already fighting.

Remorseless contraptions of deathstalk the fallow fields and ruined cities yet again, guided by a singular intelligence that brooks no dissent. The those who stand against it call it Network.

Welcome to the Lost Future. C:\dos\run for your life


o-[|||]-o
I would say unless you have any experience designing games then it would serve you better to write this as a book, a pulisher will be unlikely to listen to a random person, when everyone and their mother comes up with ideas for games. Let's face it, anyone can say 'precision combat', but it is a whole different story to make the combat feel visceral and satisfying. You can say 'huge open world' when of course a giant 3D world is really, really expensive.

But if it makes you happy to think about this stuff, go ahead (I rather like imagining the plots of books and plays I am unlikely to ever finish). It seems a fairly intersting concept, although you would need a massive dev team to actually make it.
 

Jared Jeanquart

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Jun 19, 2012
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Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. I did think that the Demographic section would need a huge overhaul, so thanks for confirming that. I'm scrapping it and starting from scratch. I need to find an actual example of what the internal language on those looks like.

And yes, I know how impossible it is for random dudes to pitch to developers. So yeah, this is mainly for my own amusement. But I figure if I keep refining it, and look for opportunities to show it to relevant people, there's a faint chance of it going somewhere.

>>Tallim Wrote: "Don't start with the story ever as they don't give a shit"
Plot they certainly don't give a shit about, but what about setting/atmosphere? Regardless, you're right. I need to create greater opening emphasis on the gameplay mechanics (overclock, hacking, body-jumping, and dismemberment) and less on the narrative.
 

ThriKreen

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Couple points from someone who's been in the industry for awhile:

I will honestly admit, I skipped your post, as I wasn't even feeling up to reading the "wall of text" - a studio exec will have even less time. So we have something called the "Elevator Pitch" - reduce your game concept into as few sentences as possible, as if you were on the elevator with the president of the publishing company or studio and had that much time to relay the concept to him before he gets off at his floor. Basically make a TL;DR summary.

Most publishers studios won't even read your pitch, let alone fund and develop it. Aside from the obvious NDA and legal issues over IP ownership and such, many, many newbie design pitches tend to aim too high and will have tons of issues a veteran designer will account for. You need to stop TALKING about your idea, and start IMPLEMENTING it. As with the famous quote "no plan survives contact with the enemy", you'd start realizing that some systems end up being not as fun as imagined (Planet scanning anyone?), or are at cross purposes to another system.

Baby steps - Pick up Unity3D, NWN, UDK, and start learning how to make it yourself.

Ideally, you'd want to make some smaller scale design that's a throwaway, with the goal being to gain valuable experience of not just using the toolset, but also game design. Iterate over your small idea, refine it, see what works and what doesn't, then go back to your magnus opus and incorporate what you've learned, reworking the idea as needed (and trust me, you will).

"But I'm not an artist, I don't know how to make 3D models!" - if you're just focusing on the game design, then what's the problem? You can get away with just slapping some coloured cubes to represent your actors, the important part is the design and how everything meshes together.

"But I don't know how to code!" - Well, start learning! Game design involves a lot of rules and logic, and that's what programming is all about. I'm not saying you should pick up on how to code a 3D engine, but even basic logic for "if creature A attacks creature B, what happens?" is within the realm of possibility. If you jot down the behaviour in pseudo-code, it's not that hard to convert it into an actual language.

"The only thing I can do is write!" - well then like that flowchart of game jobs, you're shit out of luck.

Almost.

Writing is a very niche field, and everyone fancies themselves as a great writer, but many are not. You might be able to get a foot in if you like used the NWN toolset to write up a branching dialogue tree a la Bioware style. Even if you can't code, you can at least append in the conversation node some notes on what happens when this choice is picked. Remember that it is a conversation, you want to talk WITH the NPC, not have the NPC talk AT you. A lot of aspiring writer types forget that the player is the focus and they want to shoehorn them into their grand vision with no leeway to step out and play how they want. You might as well write a novel or make a movie instead.

Good luck!
 

Jared Jeanquart

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Jun 19, 2012
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ThriKreen said:
Couple points from someone who's been in the industry for awhile:
*
*
*
Good luck!
Well, thank you for that. I certainly understand you not wanting to read the wall of text.

Truth be told, I kind of feel bad that I had this idea; I wish it had been had by someone with, you know, actual relevant skills. I don't consider myself a great writer, by the way, and ::Shudder:: I've seen what happens when "great writers" get involved in games. Its...awful, just awful. (this experience comes from tabletop RPGs, but trust me, there's caryover). Thus, I'm familiar with the common pitfalls. I've already put some thought into a proof-of-concept demo that'd be a far more achievable goal. Its just that I've seen people go wild over the themes and the setting and the aesthetic, so I'm unwilling to just leave this in the junk drawer.

I did have a look at Unity, but its kind of utterly beyond me at the moment. I know that sounds weak, but there it is.


But, you did just remind me that the NWN engine still exists, and could indeed convey the atmosphere/setting, and not be that hard to work with, especially now.

And i know I need a Tl:DR summary. But so far, all I can think of is something like "Terminator for the modern age, but in a "green future," and you play as an AI that can take over other robot's bodies."
 

ThriKreen

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Jared Jeanquart said:
Well, thank you for that. I certainly understand you not wanting to read the wall of text.
Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to dissuade you from your goal, just putting the blunt reality of the situation out there. Ideas are a dime a dozen, I have several that I've been working on the past while, and the more I understand about the game dev process, the more I rethink, refine and change its design. If I were to compare the original concept of one of them to what it looks like now, you might as well say they're completely different games.

And of course, I am currently trying to implement one of them in Unity right now.

Talking about it is all fine and dandy, but if you want to have publishers and studios be more serious and receptive to your project, you have to show a working demo. It doesn't have to be very in-depth, a short 10-15min vertical slice of the main gameplay features would be enough.