Invent a Terrible Game

[JWW]

Imagine up what you think would be the worst game of all time. Describe the mechanics, the story, etc.

A little rule: no posting real games. We get it, ET was bad.

As for me, it would be a third person shooter with no local multiplayer and have a single player mission about an amnesiac soldier who gets tricked by very powerful corporations and betrayed by his best friend with a mustache. You remain crouched or at least slumped over the entire time to maximize you ability to hide from bullets, shooting several different flavors of semiautomatic rifles at soldiers in black armor. The multiplayer would involve a ten-second respawn wait time.

 

[delet]

An overyhyped, unfinished game. The second it starts, you fall through the floor and die. No patches ever.

 

[ffs-dontcare]

Your time machine is broken.

To fix it, you need to gather certain parts.

To obtain these parts, you travel through time. (Yeah.)

In the year 1648953290, the Apocalypse is happening and you stop it by throwing evil agents into a pit of lava.

You win.

 

[Dark Knifer]

A generic first person shooter where there is a narrator who critisise every single move you make. And if you die, it's a black screen for 30 seconds with him telling you that you are useless and you should die.

 

[Skorpyo]

You solve murder mysteries entirely by playing Simon.

The final boss is a 5 hour long turret defense game.

 

[Alon Shechter]

You take Duke Nukem Forever and make it realistic.
Victory is mine!

 

[Underground Man]

I'd make a game called Sim Campaign where you have to run for public office. No, not one like the presidency or anything. Small local elections for city commissioner in some town in Iowa. You'd have to organize everything yourself because you only have about five grand in savings and can't afford campaign managers or decent publicity. Your opponent is the rich town heart-throb, Chad McAwesome, a Harvard graduate working his way up through the civil service with his dreamy eyes set on the Senate. You, on the other hand, play as a balding, overweight, middle-aged man who wheezes when he talks and doesn't "believe in evolution."

The first objective would be to get people in that town to sign a petition to get you on the ballot. This is all done in real time, obviously, so that means walking from door to door to talk to faceless nobodies. You'd have to engage them in boring small talk and promise them that once you're elected, you'll like do stuff. Most will just slam the door in your face.

The next objective will to start creating publicity for yourself. Revel in excitement as you draw up each poster and sign in your apartment (using crayon and magic markers) individually because Kinko's closed in your area, owing to the recession. Meanwhile Chad has smear campaigns running on Obscureburg's News 13 that paint you as an uneducated nobody, and him as the rising star he is.

And so on. Kissing babies but then having to register as a sex offender for assaulting an infant, losing your home in foreclosure, campaigning out of your mother's basement. Then you get to election day and the votes are tallied. This won't be advertised but no matter what you do, you lose. Because that's how life is.

The controls will be finicky. Maybe a point and click type deal, but with shoddy programming, hastily-written dialogue options ridden with typos, and monotone voice acting. Oh yes, there will be voice acting because we wouldn't want you missing out on the wheezes whenever your portly character has to run somewhere. The game will have a stamina bar that's only a few seconds long and can be refilled by eating from local fast food venues.

One thing you can do is use anything on anything. That is, you can use object cat on object computer if you like, but usually the results won't be very interesting. Some combinations will, without warning, be instant game over. Also, there's no save feature.

 

[Paksenarrion]

Awesome box graphics, rave reviews, supposedly worth the $70 you paid for the game, as well as the $400 of accessories everyone says you need to truly enjoy it. A $40 monthly fee is required for you to play online, where a record of your games are saved. You can play offline, but you can't save your progress.

You start the game and there is a beautifully rendered 30 minute cut scene. You are prompted to provide a name for your character, which none of the characters will use during any other pre-rendered cut scenes. You then spend hours on character customization, which reminds you of The Sims. Afterward, you are presented with another 30 minute cut scene where you learn more about the world you will be playing in, and the various groups that you will face throughout your adventures.

You then gain control of your character, who is not as neatly rendered as he was during Character Customization. And yes, there is only one gender.

You are now ready to explore this sandbox world...which looks suspiciously linear, because you can't really go anywhere except to your next objective. They break up the linearity with sudden, health bar-depleting Quick Time Events.

After 15 minutes of game play, you reach a stage which requires you to play on a multiplayer team. The servers are kid-friendly, and are filled with 40 13 year-olds who keep cussing you out, and 13 40 year-olds who keep asking you if you want to go on Chat Roulette.

You can't advance to the next stage until you join a group to fulfill the present mission.

It's an escort mission.

 

[Blind Sight]

A bad guy implants an explosive device into you that's wired to the heartbeats of all his soldiers. If you kill a single one you blow up and lose. Thus you either have to sneak (even though the enemies have FarCry-vision) or talk to the bad guys until you bring up how their mother didn't love them and force them to tears (even though there's no conversation system).

 

[afinalsin]

The Hills: The Game

nuff said

 

[crudus]

A game where you control an average person in a Marvel or D/C type universe. You have to deal with insurance issues because Superman threw your car at your house to stop the villain. You then have to get a second job to pay for the repairs. It is sort of like the Sims but you control one person in third person view and it ends when you (or the character) dies of old age, disease, or super villain.

 

[General Torg]

You play a dude that sits in front of a computer all day. ...ah crap

 

[Omikron009]

The entire objective of the game is to escort a character with terrible pathing who dies easily and runs headlong into groups of enemies. Your movement is incredibly finicky, and it feels like your character is skating as you move. Enemies can easily stunlock you, and perform unblockable one hit kill attacks regularly.

 

[Romblen]

Zombie Apocalypse, except instead of killing them, you give them compliments that turns them into happy hippies singing Justin Bieber. The game crashes every 12 minutes, and when it does, it sets your computer on fire for no reason.

 

[Mesca]

The Hills: The Game

nuff said

"You play Lauren Conrad. Your mission: Become queen of Hollywood. In your way are the other members of the cast. You must eliminate the competition in any way possible. You have 48 hours."

Oh wait. It's supposed to be a bad game. My mistake, anything becomes more awesome when you play it Highlander style.

 

[theSovietConnection]

It'd be like Superman 64, except every time you fail, the Duck Hunt dog laughs at you.