Is friendzoning wrong?

[rutger5000]

I realise everyone must be sick of the frienzoning threads, but this one might come with a bit of a twist, and I really like some help with this one. Basically the title says it all: Is friendzoning wrong. I ended the relationship with my ex, which went as smooth as breakups go I suppose. But I wanted to stay friends with her, partly because I felt like a yerk, but mostly because I really like her.
Thing is the last two time we've met (3 months gap between those) she seemed very interrested in being more then just friends, last time she tried to work the term 'friends with benefits' (which was funny cause she didn't know the term earlier, her English isn't that good) into the conversation a few dozens times. Thing isI really really don't want to start anything like that with her again. I find her attractive and all, but I don't want to go through the whole mess again. So I resorted to friendzoning her. Is that okay, or am I being a big jerk, and should I just break contact with her?

 

[Oirish_Martin]

Well, for starters, you're not being a jerk. You're well within your right to say that you're not interested in being FWBs, because you're not, and with good reason.

But that works both ways - she's not interested in being friends (and just friends) with you. So if she can't live with that, then the best thing may be to break contact for a while. It doesn't necessarily have to be forever.

In general terms, friendzoning isn't wrong, because people have the right to be interested in whoever they're interested in. I think it's an issue for some people because it can feel undeserved or too permanent, but that doesn't mean the person's choices shouldn't be respected in the mean time.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Telling people you can't be more then friends is perfectly fine, however dishonesty is not.
And dishonesty is what what most likely brought you to friendzoning, do not lead people on without setting the bounds if you have them, and when they are set do not overstep them unless it can go both ways.

Bottom line tell people the whole deal and not just the fancy parts so you won't look like an ass, they can't start healing until you pull out the sword.

 

[rutger5000]

Telling people you can't be more then friends is perfectly fine, however dishonesty is not.
And dishonesty is what what most likely brought you to friendzoning, do not lead people on without setting the bounds if you have them, and when they are set do not overstep them unless it can go both ways.

Bottom line tell people the whole deal and not just the fancy parts so you won't look like an ass, they can't start healing until you pull out the sword.

Thank you, that really helped. I feel stupid for not realizing this earlier.

 

[Angie7F]

I agree. As long as you are truly honest with your feelings and you set the boundaries, it can work.
Whether or not that is a good idea due to emotional attachment etc is. A different question for me though.

 

[Galletea]

Friends with benefits is rarely a good idea, if it's just using you for sex then she should just get herself some toys.
I don't see the problem in you being friends but if she's continuing with this line of thinking then I'd suggest giving yourself some distance from her. The problem is although your break up was smooth, you still see a lot of each other and neither of you really has had the time or opportunity to get over it and move on.
If you give yourself some breathing room, you can both begin to move on and still be friends.

 

[The Night Angel]

Friendzoning is a better idea than friends with benefits. Being friends isn't complicated, it is merely reverting the relationship to a an earlier status (most relationships start out as friendships anyway). There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing it. In fact, if she likes you, it will hurt her more if you decide to avoid her completely rather than limit your relationship to friendship.

 

[subtlefuge]

Good rule of thumb: in a relationship, never do something that you don't want/are uncofortable with.

I know it sounds simple, but you will appreciate not having to do something that makes you uncomfortable, and she will appreciate you being direct and not stringing her along with hopes of getting back together.

 

[YoUnG205]

I know this may sound cruel but the best thing to do I feel is to break contact with her. Friendzoning sucks real hard beleieve me. If you stay friends with her and she likes you but you do not feel the same way then eventually you are going to find some one else and shes going to know about it. If you are then friends with your ex this may cause problems with the new girl and it will also hurt the ex who has to see you happy with this new girl and she will feel as though you are rubbing it in her face. Even if you are not.

Just break contact be mean now, so that you can be kind in the future.

 

[CentralScrtnzr]

You're stringing her along. A bit of cruelty early will divert catastrophe later.

 

[bernardblack]

If you're not interested, then you should let her know that up front. Don't feel bad for saying "Hey I'm not interested in that sort of relationship with you." Either she'll accept that you only want to be her friend, or she won't. I think if she keeps insisting on the "friends with benefits" thing, it may be wise to step away for a while.