Is Sex a Big Deal?
- Thread starter Brown Cap
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Or if you haven't had it for a while. It can vary from person to person. I'd say about half of it is mental, and the other half is HEAVILY dependent on biology.Vlado said:
As for the O.P's post, I'm going to echo the others here. You should really find a way to just talk about it. I know there are emotions on your side-- the feeling of being withheld from or rejected. Just realize that she's not *trying* to hurt you, and it's not about you to begin with.
There is, of course, the possibility that she may be defensive about it. There's only so much you can do to help with this. Just be frank, and reasonable in how you talk about it with her. Try not to make a big deal of the discussion, avoid pressuring for an answer, and just be willing to listen.
Above all, make sure your heart is in the right place. You need to approach this not as a goal or a problem, but an open-ended question. Approach it as a guy who just wants to understand her frame of mind better, because then you can be better to her as a significant other.
The great thing about this is that if she's willing to talk, and if you do well in being positive and receptive, you'll have made communication better overall which can pay huge dividends in any long term relationship
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On another note, saying "Sex isn't an absolute need", while technically true, risks vastly oversimplifying the matter.
It's like how we have an innate desire to improve our lives. Learning, building better houses, making our food taste good, socializing, all these are not "technically" needs, but we have an inherent drive to do these things. Besides which, our lives would be utterly devoid of color without them.
So, do we chide those who "make a big deal" about paying a predatory mortgage loan because they could have just found a secluded wooded area and pitched a tent? Do we berate those who "seem to have a hang up" with eating more than wild kale, fish and fruit and for drinking more than water? Or do we grant that these things, while not necessities, play a huge role in fulfilling the drive to do more than just survive on the bare minimum?
And that, like sex, is a drive that does not leave the vast majority of us alone. Ever. It's with us constantly, compelling us to do this, go here, do that.
So it is with the desire to actually physically have sex and seek a connection. This may or may not coincide with the notion of Love. To each their own. {Though there are those whose self-righteousness compels them to judge others for that.)
<./rant>
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(EDIT: Premature post. Make of that what ever you will.)
In my personal opinion, sex is amazing, there is nothing quite like it. However it's not something you need to experience, it is grossly over hyped for a lack of a better word.
Though I do agree with DayDark and Manic_Depressive13, you should try and tell this girl how you feel about the matter and if outright sex is completely off the table then start suggesting, playing, like; oral, anal, that kind of stuff and it may be that she is just using the fear of pregnancy as an excuse.
Though I do agree with DayDark and Manic_Depressive13, you should try and tell this girl how you feel about the matter and if outright sex is completely off the table then start suggesting, playing, like; oral, anal, that kind of stuff and it may be that she is just using the fear of pregnancy as an excuse.
I've been told that if you have any hesitation about having sex with your partner for any reason and can't even voice it, do not try at that point. I think it applies here more than most because I think you're not fully trusting each other to the point of having sex just yet. You might hold a strong trust between each other, but not in matters of sex.
And honestly, sex does feel good, but I do not think it's that big of a deal. If I was in your spot, I'd be infinitely more happy that I at least one friend who means more to me than a usual friend.
So I say, give it up now and ask again when you feel more confident along with her being confident. It's pointless to force it when she clearly isn't interested.
And honestly, sex does feel good, but I do not think it's that big of a deal. If I was in your spot, I'd be infinitely more happy that I at least one friend who means more to me than a usual friend.
So I say, give it up now and ask again when you feel more confident along with her being confident. It's pointless to force it when she clearly isn't interested.
In my opinion, it's not as big a deal as everyone and the media makes it out to be. Sure it feels good, and is a mutually bonding experience, but it's not the grandest thing in the universe. Not to mention, the first time is just awkward as hell for everyone involved. I can sympathize with the "not wanting a pregnancy" thing, though, as that's the reason I generally avoid sexual relations myself. I barely make enough to support myself as is, and I really don't want to have to raise a child in poor conditions. Give it time, and try to improve on other things before bringing up your desire for an intimate relationship. If there's any lack of confidence or a sense of fear is present, it's just going to be a bad experience all around.
So, you?ve been dating for at least a year and you haven?t had sex.
Fuck, man, you guys need to have a conversation. A proper conversation, about your worries and her worries, and how to reconcile those worries. And, depending on what she?s not telling you, said conversation may end in you breaking up with her.
Sex is a big deal ? just not as much of a big deal as some people make out. But most people in relationships have sex with each other, because it is meant to feel good for a reason. Like masturbation, but on another level. If it was the other way round and you didn?t want to have sex with her, how would that make her feel? Like she wasn?t attractive to you? Or that you might be cheating on her? You can say that to her.
And if she still doesn?t want to have sex with you and you feel like she just doesn?t want to be intimate with you, then you?ll have to either dump her or settle for jacking off. But most people only do the latter when they?re in their forties and fifties, due to lowered libido or an empty-shell marriage. You don?t want to be stuck in a relationship where one person is calling the shots and you?re just too kind to not make your needs known. This is 2015; you can get any number of reliable contraceptives in your local pharmacy.
And no, the first time isn?t going to be the wonderful experience that you see in teen movies ? it?s probably going to be awkward and messy, and you?re going to have to learn each other?s bodies and boundaries over time. That?s relationships.
However, take my advice with a pinch salt. I?m in the virgin club too. I haven?t had a girlfriend since I was 12, and the most sexual activity I?ve had with another person is a five-second breast fondle at a drunken party 3 years ago.
Fuck, man, you guys need to have a conversation. A proper conversation, about your worries and her worries, and how to reconcile those worries. And, depending on what she?s not telling you, said conversation may end in you breaking up with her.
Sex is a big deal ? just not as much of a big deal as some people make out. But most people in relationships have sex with each other, because it is meant to feel good for a reason. Like masturbation, but on another level. If it was the other way round and you didn?t want to have sex with her, how would that make her feel? Like she wasn?t attractive to you? Or that you might be cheating on her? You can say that to her.
And if she still doesn?t want to have sex with you and you feel like she just doesn?t want to be intimate with you, then you?ll have to either dump her or settle for jacking off. But most people only do the latter when they?re in their forties and fifties, due to lowered libido or an empty-shell marriage. You don?t want to be stuck in a relationship where one person is calling the shots and you?re just too kind to not make your needs known. This is 2015; you can get any number of reliable contraceptives in your local pharmacy.
And no, the first time isn?t going to be the wonderful experience that you see in teen movies ? it?s probably going to be awkward and messy, and you?re going to have to learn each other?s bodies and boundaries over time. That?s relationships.
However, take my advice with a pinch salt. I?m in the virgin club too. I haven?t had a girlfriend since I was 12, and the most sexual activity I?ve had with another person is a five-second breast fondle at a drunken party 3 years ago.
It's not necromancy because someone else revived the thread I'm just posting in it.
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Yes. Sex is a pretty big deal. It is over-hyped, true (there is an old saying that nothing is as overhyped as sex or underhyped as a good shit), but humans don't spend nearly most of our time in art, music, politics and such discussin something for hours on end among every social class and every country if it isn't important.
I understand your position; you're told your entire life that even asking for sex is oppressive, pushing and probably leads to rape. You're so worried about her feelings and doing the right thing, so utterly obsessed with being the good guy who stoicly ignores his own needs to sacrifice for her that you've done just that; you're spending your youth, your best years in a sexless relationship because it is the "right thing to do".
I get it; today we are told that if you REALLY love her, then your needs don't matter and if you keep sacrificing yourself for her, it'll be worth it because that's what love is; self-sacrifice.
It isn't. Love is compromise. Love is mutual support. Love is not just doing what makes you happy, but occasionally shutting up and doing what makes them happy because you want them to smile.
In particular, love goes both ways.
I will not make you feel less for not having sex. In fact, the fact you are such a kind and giving person that you're willing to ignore not only a basic urge (like the urge to be clean, or to exercise, or for companionship) but do so for so long without a single peep from you shows a man to me who is loyal and self-sacrificing.
However, self-sacrifice can only go so far. She does have to meet you halfway. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship, and it is perhaps the ONLY thing you can share with someone who you love. Nothing will bring you closer like mutual love making, and while you gag when you read the phrase "love-making", having sex with someone you love is precisely that term. It's not just grunts, orgasms and sweaty bedsheets, but it's a mutual satisfying of urges and an intimate act between yourself and ignoring the rest of the world. Like having breakfast together in bed, only a thousand times closer.
It has been 14 months. Maybe even 15 now. In this relationship, I imagine you have both been a great couple. But you shouldn't have to ignore an entire part of your biological appetites, as well as a massive act of trust and tenderness between a couple, for this long with absolutely no sign of her acquiescing. At some point you have to ask yourself; why doesn't she want to have sex with you? Are you unattractive? Does she simply not want you? Are you so unimportant to her that she doesn't have to meet you halfway, but feels it's fine that you continue to be half-ignored?
There is respecting her wishes, but at some point, it just becomes a sign that you have absolutely no self-respect to ask for what you want, and she has no respect to make sure you're cared for either. You shouldn't be stuck in a sexless marriage at the age of 21.
It would be one thing if it were religious reasons, but to do so from a fear that is, if you wear condoms and she uses at least one form of contraception, so small that she should also fear to get into cars more, then it begins to border on the problematic, and she needs to either see help on why this is, or you need to consider moving onto someone else. Believe it or not, relationships are not this difficult, and when you're in a really good one, you won't have to wait 14 months to consider asking. Because they will love and want you as much as you want her. Women actually enjoy sex just as much as men.
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Yes. Sex is a pretty big deal. It is over-hyped, true (there is an old saying that nothing is as overhyped as sex or underhyped as a good shit), but humans don't spend nearly most of our time in art, music, politics and such discussin something for hours on end among every social class and every country if it isn't important.
I understand your position; you're told your entire life that even asking for sex is oppressive, pushing and probably leads to rape. You're so worried about her feelings and doing the right thing, so utterly obsessed with being the good guy who stoicly ignores his own needs to sacrifice for her that you've done just that; you're spending your youth, your best years in a sexless relationship because it is the "right thing to do".
I get it; today we are told that if you REALLY love her, then your needs don't matter and if you keep sacrificing yourself for her, it'll be worth it because that's what love is; self-sacrifice.
It isn't. Love is compromise. Love is mutual support. Love is not just doing what makes you happy, but occasionally shutting up and doing what makes them happy because you want them to smile.
In particular, love goes both ways.
I will not make you feel less for not having sex. In fact, the fact you are such a kind and giving person that you're willing to ignore not only a basic urge (like the urge to be clean, or to exercise, or for companionship) but do so for so long without a single peep from you shows a man to me who is loyal and self-sacrificing.
However, self-sacrifice can only go so far. She does have to meet you halfway. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship, and it is perhaps the ONLY thing you can share with someone who you love. Nothing will bring you closer like mutual love making, and while you gag when you read the phrase "love-making", having sex with someone you love is precisely that term. It's not just grunts, orgasms and sweaty bedsheets, but it's a mutual satisfying of urges and an intimate act between yourself and ignoring the rest of the world. Like having breakfast together in bed, only a thousand times closer.
It has been 14 months. Maybe even 15 now. In this relationship, I imagine you have both been a great couple. But you shouldn't have to ignore an entire part of your biological appetites, as well as a massive act of trust and tenderness between a couple, for this long with absolutely no sign of her acquiescing. At some point you have to ask yourself; why doesn't she want to have sex with you? Are you unattractive? Does she simply not want you? Are you so unimportant to her that she doesn't have to meet you halfway, but feels it's fine that you continue to be half-ignored?
There is respecting her wishes, but at some point, it just becomes a sign that you have absolutely no self-respect to ask for what you want, and she has no respect to make sure you're cared for either. You shouldn't be stuck in a sexless marriage at the age of 21.
It would be one thing if it were religious reasons, but to do so from a fear that is, if you wear condoms and she uses at least one form of contraception, so small that she should also fear to get into cars more, then it begins to border on the problematic, and she needs to either see help on why this is, or you need to consider moving onto someone else. Believe it or not, relationships are not this difficult, and when you're in a really good one, you won't have to wait 14 months to consider asking. Because they will love and want you as much as you want her. Women actually enjoy sex just as much as men.
The pill can also be used to regulate periods if you're having issues or even stop them entirely for as long as you take it. The 'period' people think of when a lady is on the pill is actually a withdrawal bleed. I did this in my late teens, stopped taking the pill after a couple of years and now I have perfectly fine periods. It's about as safe as taking the pill conventionally - i.e. it's fine if you're healthy-ish anyway.Johnny Novgorod said:
Maybe she'd be more comfortable with non-penetrative sex? You could look into that. It could be that's she anxious about something other than pregnancy as well. Maybe she's worried that she'll look like a naked mole rat? Perhaps she's worried about performance issues? Maybe she doesn't have faith that you won't just stick it in and skip the foreplay?
Just be honest and ask but if she's not ready, she's not ready.
I'm 29 and still a virgin.
Not to say I haven't tried, believe me, I have. I even came close one time, but I was with a girl that wanted me to take control and at the time, I didn't understand. She wanted me to throw her onto my bed and basically ravage her. I was not that type of guy.
I know it's really easy to get laid. However, I am one of those idiots that believe in love and bullshit. Oh, and I have plenty of cons that's pretty much killing my chances, but a major one is that I don't drive and I live with my parents. I'm also a very nice guy and I know I am not ugly, but not attractive either.
Anyways, sex shouldn't be a big deal for you. It will happen. That fact that you have a girlfriend proves you can land a girl and that's the annoying step in the process. Unless you have some frisky girl friends that is willing to put your friendship on the line for a quickie?
For me, I don't want a one night stand - of which I could have done a ton of times. Knowing this, I try not to be too hard on myself(zing) about being a virgin. I also believe that when I was young, I noticed plenty of young girls getting pregnant, and thus, ruining their lives since most the time, the man leaves them high and dry. I fargin live with my parents, I don't have it in me to take care of a child if I get a girl pregnant.
Ugh, sorry about the rant. You're only 21, quit worrying about popping your cherry. Worry more about improving your life for when you find the special someone, you and her can take care of each other and if there was a child, you can easily take care of him or her too.
Not to say I haven't tried, believe me, I have. I even came close one time, but I was with a girl that wanted me to take control and at the time, I didn't understand. She wanted me to throw her onto my bed and basically ravage her. I was not that type of guy.
I know it's really easy to get laid. However, I am one of those idiots that believe in love and bullshit. Oh, and I have plenty of cons that's pretty much killing my chances, but a major one is that I don't drive and I live with my parents. I'm also a very nice guy and I know I am not ugly, but not attractive either.
Anyways, sex shouldn't be a big deal for you. It will happen. That fact that you have a girlfriend proves you can land a girl and that's the annoying step in the process. Unless you have some frisky girl friends that is willing to put your friendship on the line for a quickie?
For me, I don't want a one night stand - of which I could have done a ton of times. Knowing this, I try not to be too hard on myself(zing) about being a virgin. I also believe that when I was young, I noticed plenty of young girls getting pregnant, and thus, ruining their lives since most the time, the man leaves them high and dry. I fargin live with my parents, I don't have it in me to take care of a child if I get a girl pregnant.
Ugh, sorry about the rant. You're only 21, quit worrying about popping your cherry. Worry more about improving your life for when you find the special someone, you and her can take care of each other and if there was a child, you can easily take care of him or her too.
On the one hand: Teenagers, or in the ballpark thereof. You can afford to put it off a bit and see if it develops any. I would expect people to be a bit more adult at 19/20 though and its a strange issue to be having at that age, so there's obviously something that needs to be worked through and some patience is required. I would argue not to worry too much about what your friends are up to. It's not a competition.Brown Cap said:
On the other hand: You don't want to end up in a sexless long term relationship or even sexless marriage. Most rational people would agree that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, as otherwise it is just a friendship. It will always be an issue in the back of your mind and therefore a problem in the relationship until it is addressed. There is nothing wrong with sex being something that is important to you, it is human to have such desires. I should stress that (in case you had plans to at some point) you should absolutely not commit until you have gotten this matter resolved with an outcome that you are comfortable with.
Best of luck.
I remember one of my lecturers an OB/GYN actually pointing out that regular periods would have been quite rare in early humans. Women would have their onset of menstruation later due to diet/nutrition and then get pregnant reasonably quickly. They'd then breastfeed after delivery which can throw of the periods and then often become pregnant soon again when they returned, in a cycle until they died or got menopause.Treeberry said: