Is there really a stigma against quiet people?

[CManator]

Hey everyone, this question has been nagging at me for a while now.

So, a little background first. I'm thirty two years old, straight white male, and gaming is my main hobby. I have been what's known as "The quiet type" for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid with few inhibitions, I rarely spoke unless I was spoken to. Most if not all of my friendships over the years were started on the other person's initiative, or through sheer circumstance (such as being neighbors, or friend of a friend, etc.) I'm not much better on the internet, as my post count since joining should indicate.

As I got older though, I started noticing fewer people approaching me, and even when I try to approach others, they seem... uncomfortable I guess. Like, I'll be friendly and at least try to talk about something, and they'll be friendly back. But before long the awkward silences start, at which point it feels like they are counting the seconds until I excuse myself, so that's what I do. I can never tell if that's my social anxiety getting the better of me, or if I actually do make them uneasy. It could be a mix of both, but I don't know the ratio.

It has gotten to the point where it feels impossible to make friends. Nobody invites me to anything, and any time i invite someone to a casual activity (bowling for example) or ask a girl out, it's pretty much always an unenthusiastic "sure" followed later on with an excuse to cancel and no attempt to reschedule or make different plans.

Part of me gets it though, people will make their judgements on me regardless, and being quiet makes me uninteresting at best, and creepy at worst. If there's any upside to this, it's that nobody really antagonizes me either. Perhaps they think i'll snap and do something messed up, like shoot up a school or something, because "It's always the quiet ones", right?

I don't pretend to know what people are thinking, maybe it's all in my head. I try to be friendly and positive, speak when something is on my mind, and apologise for my mistakes, but all that gets me is not being hated, which is great, but it would be nice to go a step further from "not hated" to "liked"

So here I am, hoping to find some insight, or advice, or.... something. Any responses appreciated. I may have left out important info, so feel free to ask.

 

[Soviet Heavy]

It's often internalized. I have had the same problem as you, and I can tell you that your body language will be screaming when you aren't. If you are quiet, your body talks for you, and its easy to send off the wrong vibes without knowing it.

I don't think that there really is a stigma against quiet people, so much as quiet people can turn normal interactions into negative ones. If you go looking for trouble, it finds you, and if you expect people to ignore you, they often will. It really isn't that they're out to ostracize, but that your outlook is affecting the way you interpret interactions.

 

[Prime_Hunter_H01]

I can't really help but I am in a similar position but much younger (20). It does seem there is a stigma against quiet people, and I know mine is combination of a docile personality and a bit of social anxiety. I have also rarely made friends and the ones I did make and keep are from being in the same classes together in High-school and College. You are at least better than me in that regard as when you do determine to talk to people you can even in your have your own problems afterward. I do wish more people would make an effort to approach a quiet person but until you do talk to them you don't know if you will enable them to join them, merely get politely brushed off, or at worst anger them because they want to be left alone. Actually as I re read your post I do see a bit of similarity, be overly nice and on the submissive side to be "not hated." Unless the interaction started with the other person being a douche, although to inject my own limited tolerance for "fun" from random strangers I was about ready to hit a random guy who was part of filming reactions to "almost ice bucket challenges", see for most people that may have been a bit annoying, but for me my mind raced with "if this guy does it I will spend a class miserable and wet with a ruined laptop and papers." And that goes for any random enthusiasm or teasing, it may be lighthearted and fun for them but any "weird" behavior just makes me uncomfortable. Basically what is a normal level of energy for most people is too much for me, so everyone around me seems way to hyper but I guess to them I'm the quiet one if I am even noticed at all.

 

[Prime_Hunter_H01]

If you are quiet, your body talks for you, and its easy to send off the wrong vibes without knowing it.

That is another one of my problems, I think I have zero control over my body language and also have a negative neutral face, I know my mother has asked me whats wrong when nothing's wrong. But I probably look like something is.

 

[Cazza]

From 30 plus family members and co-workers I've been told it gets harder and harder to make new friends the older you get. Both introverted and extroverted. Don't feel disheartened because your not outgoing. Free times seems to be a huge factor as work and family seem to take lots of these peoples time up. The success stories I've hear about for making new friends and just keeping them is regular short actives. One of my family members for example goes for a 20-30min jog twice a week or so with a person they met at a gym. They consider each other friends for maybe seeing each other for an hour if that a week.

As you're into gaming maybe try some stealthy showing you're into gaming it won't make you look like a nerd/loser whatever if they don't get the reference. If they do get it talk about it and maybe add them as a friend to say steam and play a game with them for at least 20-30mins once or twice a week. Then expand to maybe an outing to a pub for drinks/dinner the odd time. If gaming doesn't work any regular sport/club say like bowling and talk to people there is a option.

If you yourself are short on free time, if your work does Friday night drinks or anything like that go. If you can't really bring yourself to do much talking just listening and being there helps. It's got me invited to some parties and outings I would have never been invited to otherwise. I'm not talkative or outgoing but people have asked for me to come because I'm friendly and nice even if I don't talk much.

You could always find another quiet person and force yourself to talk to them. They could be in the same boat as you. The important thing is keep trying. If you don't you won't get success. Good luck.

 

[CManator]

It's often internalized. I have had the same problem as you, and I can tell you that your body language will be screaming when you aren't. If you are quiet, your body talks for you, and its easy to send off the wrong vibes without knowing it.

I don't think that there really is a stigma against quiet people, so much as quiet people can turn normal interactions into negative ones. If you go looking for trouble, it finds you, and if you expect people to ignore you, they often will. It really isn't that they're out to ostracize, but that your outlook is affecting the way you interpret interactions.

There is truth to that, I know I fidget with my hands a lot, whether I'm nervous or not. Like I'll be sitting at home watching tv, and i'll be tapping my thumbs together, or wiggling my feet, or stroking my beard. In public i have to make a conscious effort to not fold my arms as I know it's an off putting gesture, even though it's really just me trying not to fidget all the damn time. I have difficulty with eye contact too, but I'm working on it.

Still, I have to wonder if that's the whole issue. I know there are people who actually don't like quiet people, and they are entitled to feel that way, I just don't know how widespread that particular opinion is, and I know I have a habit of ovethinking things, so it is certainly possible that I'm seeing problems that aren't there, or perhaps becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Casual Shinji]

If you're quiet people won't be able to get a clear picture of you, which means they'll see you as a stranger. And you know what they say about strangers...

I suffer from the same issue. Among my family I'm fine, but when it comes to strangers or casual aquintances I'm very locked away within myself. I can't get comfortable among them and never take initiative to start up a conversation. Also I'm dreadful when it comes to small talk or joking around; If there's no thread to what's being spoken I just feel lost.

I'm 31 and I haven't had any friends since high school, and the only times I really interacted with them was at school. Outside school we barely had much contact. Obviously I have proper contact with my family making me not a complete hermit, but I miss people that stand on the outside of that.

 

[Artina89]

I'm fairly quiet as well, preferring to keep myself to myself, and as a result, I have not really connected with anyone at my place of work even though I have been working there for around 2 years or so and my manager has said to me countless times that I need to be more outgoing and talkative as I make other people in my lab feel "down" even though when I have asked the people I work with and they have said it is not a problem and that, while I don't bring down the morale of the team they want to get to know me slightly better, but I am not going to change my personality or try and be outgoing when I know that I am not. However, if you want to make new friends it might be a good idea to find a subject you enjoy and see if there are any clubs in the area that you can join. It is usually easier to connect to people through something you both enjoy, but then again I am hardly an expert in such matters.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Well, firstly, advice you get from the net isn't usually that helpful, but anyhoo...

I don't think there's a stigma against quiet people as such. And I doubt people think you're going to snap/whatever, but nobody wants to get stuck talking to someone with no social skills.

 

[Queen Michael]

A stigma? Nah. I know several quiet people and they never said a word about it.

Oh, wait...

 

[giles]

Don't let being a type dictate your social interactions.
The "awkward silence" thing when you approach people is a big sign for me that you simply don't have the required social skills to talk about meaningless stuff. I'm "quiet", but I can still converse when meeting new people. Here's a quick small talk 101: Before you approach someone have some fixed topics in mind you could talk about when conversations threatens to die down, but don't just randomly change to these topics unless as a last resort. First, use simple conversation starters (here's a quick guide [http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/08/22/how-to-make-small-talk/] ignore the rest of the site it's quite horrible) and show interest in the other person. If the other person tells you things that are related to yourself, you can reveal these things about you. This builds a sense of connection. When the conversation threatens to lead to awkward silence, pick a topic from your list that is related to what the person told you about himself. If there is no such topic and if none of the things the other guy tells you is related to you, maybe you're just not compatible. Be polite and excuse yourself and that's it.
Also, work on fixing your body language.

 

[Ten Foot Bunny]

Well, firstly, advice you get from the net isn't usually that helpful, but anyhoo...

I don't think there's a stigma against quiet people as such. And I doubt people think you're going to snap/whatever, but nobody wants to get stuck talking to someone with no social skills.

DEFINITELY this...

As an extrovert, all I seem to see online are article after article, meme after meme, about how special and wonderful introverts are and how they're so misunderstood. I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

So to expand on the insightful quote above, don't believe what the internet says. Lots of it is nothing but reductionist, pop-psychology bullshit for people who think a 15-line article in 24-point font tells the whole story of anything.

 

[Caiphus]

Quiet people tend to look at their feet. And that makes me think that they're going to try and steal my shoes.

Sorry, quiet people, but if you weren't all latent footwear pilferers then I might have some sympathy.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop.

As an extrovert also id love to make an addition:

Even for us, carrying the conversation single handedly is taxing and makes us feel sluggish also, being an extrovert isnt easy happy fun-times in every conversation ever.

I have 2 people id call best friends, ones an extrovert and ones an introvert. When i feel like ranting, or talking about something that interests me and them for a long time, or i feel i have a lot of energy to keep a conversation going OR we find an activity together like gaming or seeing a movie to make conversation flow more easily ill talk to my introvert friend. We talk about it and he generally likes listening to me, and he likes the company of someone who genuinely wants his input whenever he is comfortable to give it with the knowledge ill always stop to listen and appreciate his view. However this results in me doing the majority of the conversational work, the topic is mine to pick, i make points, he tends to be more reactionary in conversation.

Thats fine but, honestly for an extrovert, holding a conversation going when one party is purely responding is quite taxing, and to be honest not very relaxing. If im in the mood to be stimulated a lot by a conversation ill talk to my extrovert friend who isnt at all afraid to be enthusiastic and playful about any topic and also has a lot to say. The mood is a lot more animated and i dont need to do much work to get it like that, the conversation flows without any conscious input from myself. Its relaxing and easy to just be able to chatter with someone about interesting things. This is why i only tend to date extroverts, its just a personality thing.

Appreciate that extroverts DO want to hear from you, and you can make some good extrovert friends, but when they are not in the mood to carry the conversation for you appreciate that it DOES get hard for them and sometimes they just dont want to have to work that hard to talk to someone. Thats not your fault to be honest so dont take this as them not liking you. I respect my introvert friend, hes an awesome guy and id trust him with anything and he appreciates i enjoy a lot of me/down time so im not always up for a chat.

Dont take it personally, sometimes we just get tired.

 

[Vicarious Reality]

We are quite bad at finding useful conversation to give
I should go to the new bridge and see it, maybe even take pictures

 

[Mikeybb]

Well, firstly, advice you get from the net isn't usually that helpful, but anyhoo...

I don't think there's a stigma against quiet people as such. And I doubt people think you're going to snap/whatever, but nobody wants to get stuck talking to someone with no social skills.

DEFINITELY this...

As an extrovert, all I seem to see online are article after article, meme after meme, about how special and wonderful introverts are and how they're so misunderstood. I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

So to expand on the insightful quote above, don't believe what the internet says. Lots of it is nothing but reductionist, pop-psychology bullshit for people who think a 15-line article in 24-point font tells the whole story of anything.

I've met kind, caring and considerate extroverts.
At the same time I've met quiet, introverted people who happen to be quite belligerent beneath it all.
What discomfort I've felt as a result of the actions of one of the above exampled extroverts has always been strictly my own responsibility and not something I'm going to pass off on them for living how they want.
A way that, in some ways, I wish I could too.


@Cmanator
In my own case what social skills I do have are compounded by social anxiety.
It was a lot worse when I was younger.
As I've aged I've developed... huh.
I wouldn't call it confidence.
More like apathy towards it.
It's not ideal but it helps me function.

The person I was talking to above quoted something regarding being stuck talking to someone.
People may not have wanted to be stuck talking to me, but at the same time I felt a hell of a lot of relief when they move on.
...and quietly grateful they were kind enough to try and include me.

 

[Pink Gregory]

Quiet people tend to look at their feet. And that makes me think that they're going to try and steal my shoes.

Sorry, quiet people, but if you weren't all latent footwear pilferers then I might have some sympathy.

...surely if they were about to steal your shoes they'd be looking at *your* feet?

OT:

Ever thought that you should, y'know, make an effort to integrate with other people in the way that makes both parties comfortable, as opposed to wallowing in one's own bubble?

No kitsch webcomic will tell you to do that.

 

[Erttheking]

I'll admit, I get really frustrated with my brother when he's quiet. Considering that I can be really quiet too, it's kind of hypocritical. On the other hand my frustration more stems from the fact that I've shared the same room as him from over a decade and I barely understand him.

 

[Zhukov]

I wouldn't mind that at all except there are a seemingly greater number of memes that portray us extroverts as loud, obnoxious, unthinking, clingy party animals who ruin the lives of introverts and act like bulls in a china shop. Just look at Pinterest: it'll take you less than a minute to find that kind of crap everywhere.

Wait... really?

Man, that's weird. I mean, I'm about as talkative as your average brick and I fucking love extroverted people.

The more they talk and and flail their arms about and be all expressive and shit, the less I have to.