I've been feeling really digusted with myself lately

[unicron44]

Background: My whole life I've had to deal with weight and self esteem issues. My brother always seemed to be an enabler to my problems because he was always so mean to me. It got to the point to where I had to see a therapist when I was ten.

I never really had any friends of my own when I was younger and I liked to stay inside or at home. My parents often wanted me to get out so they made me tag along with my brother when he played with neighborhood kids his age (he's three years older than me) and harassment was even worse there.

My brother was a big football and hockey stud, but the only sport I played was baseball, which I was never really that great at. My brother always said I was a pussy or gay because I never played contact sports. I finally took up football two years ago, but it wasn't for me.

My brother never took my feelings into consideration ever. He reduced me to tears all the time and everytime my parents tried to intervene they seemed to make matters worse because it would cause my brother's abuse to continue even more.

So once I finally, FINALLY, got to high school he was a senior so we never really saw each other with him doing football and all. I finally found a group of friends that I feel comfortable with and can share with. So he finally goes off to college and I feel the best I have in years, emotionally. Now he's back for Christmas break and I feel disgusted with myself. I have been getting extremely irritable and snapping at people. I normally use video games as an escape tool, but today I felt disgusted with myself and felt like I was relying on the games to make me feel better.

What's worse, I have my brother's favorite teacher ever for my first class of the day and he's coming in to visit him and I feel this anxiety that I don't normally feel.

I've also recently began addressing my weight issues and I've just lost a lot of confidence. My parents have always tried to tell me I'm not that fat or when we're out I'll see someone who is easily 165 lbs., I weight 245 lbs., and my parents will say I'm not bigger than them. It's such a ridiculous comparison it makes me feel worse.

I just keep feeling more and more depressed and I haven't found anyone I can truly confide to.

TL;DR I have always have self esteem issues enabled by my brother. When he left for college I started feeling good about myself, but ever since he's come home I've been feeling really depressed.

Any advice to deal with the situation?

 

[ultrachicken]

Got any embarrassing stories about him?

If so, keep them in your arsenal to use against him should he make fun of you in front of your teacher.

As for the weight problems, I've been in a similar situation to yours before, though not as dramatic. I got out of it by just eating less sugar and sweets (Note: I said less, not none). Though, I guess you're not asking for weight loss tips. Basically, try as hard as you possibly can to keep your composure should it come up, and then go to the bathroom or something if you need to get away.

There's nothing wrong with using video-games as an escape. In fact, I'd recommend using video-games to your advantage to help deal with the situation.

Good luck, and merry Christmas.

 

[ultrachicken]

Shit! Ignore this!

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

My mom's the same way. She pressures me a lot to lose weight because otherwise, "I'll never get a boyfriend!"

I know it's hard, but just try to tune it out. Exercise/diet if you really feel like it, but try not to let one aspect of your appearance ruin your life.

Also, it seems like your brother might have some insecurities of his own. People who feel good about themselves don't harass others like that.

Finally, if all else fails, and the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" was right, global warming will cause another ice age, and we'll just be better insulated.

The scrawny masses shall kneel down before our kind!

 

[Terminal Blue]

It's pretty common for brothers to develop a fucked up competitive relationship. My brother and I ultimately settled into a sort of equilibrium but for years we were at each others throats all the damn time, and he's a lot stronger than me so I'd usually come out worse for wear.

I think given the situation you need to learn to ignore it, no matter how hard that is. Your brother isn't better than you, he sounds like a meatheaded prick in fact. The things he says and does hurt because you feel like he's somehow better than you or has succeeded where you've failed, and that's probably not in any way accurate.

If you don't just want to play video games, maybe do something useful. Study, read books, develop a hobby which requires recognizable skill. You shouldn't be having to try and compete with your brother at sports all the time, and there's no reason you couldn't develop and find value in skills which he has no interest in.

Games are great, but they make you okay with being bored, and that can become a problem because boredom is often what motivates you to do things. In the long term, I think you'd probably be better off building more of a life away from your brother than trying to retreat from life altogether.

The teacher thing is understandable. You probably feel like he's invading what has become your comfort zone. At the end of the day though this guy was his teacher, they're not best friends and it's a pretty unprofessional teacher who differentiates between his students for positive or negative reasons.

On the weight. I understand why your parents are trying to reassure you because they want you to be confident and happy, but ultimately it's up to you to decide if you're comfortable with the weight you are. If you're not, then you could always try and channel that frustration into trying to lose weight again. You might actually have to resist your parents in some ways because if you're a similar weight it could well be that you're lifestyle is influenced by theirs. Ultimately though, I'm not a dietician so I can't suggest anything more specific here. Sorry about that.

 

[Entropyutd]

Also, it seems like your brother might have some insecurities of his own. People who feel good about themselves don't harass others like that.

Finally, if all else fails, and the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" was right, global warming will cause another ice age, and we'll just be better insulated.

The scrawny masses shall kneel down before our kind!

<3
loved this!

@Dan
It's pretty much what I quoted, your brother clearly has issues himself and needs to project his insecurities onto you.
I went through a ton of beatings as a kid, My brother was regional, then a national karate champion in his age bracket, and of course having pretty much zero aptitude for the sport. I often got my arse kicked.
I was never a threat, but later on it turned out his reasons for picking on me, were because of the stress put on him by our parents. He saw me as having the easy ride, I was the one who didnt need to train for hours a day.

You need to take that confidence you developed, and seperate yourself from him totally.
He will be home for the holidays sure, just do your own thing.
Remember that the holidays are not forever.