James Bond's Drinking Would Kill Him, Medical Journal Warns

Andy Chalk

One Flag, One Fleet, One Cat
Nov 12, 2002
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James Bond's Drinking Would Kill Him, Medical Journal Warns


The prestigious medical journal BMJ has determined that James Bond was a roaring alcoholic whose heavy drinking would probably kill him before his 60th birthday.

We all know that fictional British super-spy James Bond prefers his martinis shaken, not stirred, but why? The medical journal BMJ suggests that it might be due to tremors induced by years of heavy drinking. In a year-end study intended "to quantify James Bond's consumption of alcohol as detailed in the series of novels by Ian Fleming," the journal determined that while it's possible for someone to drink as much as Bond did and remain upright in day-to-day life, there's just no way he could do it while maintaining his "extraordinarily high level" of functioning.

The authors of the study read all 14 of Ian Fleming's James Bond novels, noting every alcoholic drink that was taken as well as days when he was unable to consume alcohol due to incarceration, hospitalization or rehab, and used predefined "units" to calculate his rate of consumption. Based on the collected information, they determined that Bond consumed 92 units of alcohol per week, more than four times the recommended amount; his maximum consumption on a single day approached a staggering 50 units, and he went without alcohol on just 12.5 days out of a possible 87.5. The authors also note that Bond consumed 39 units of alcohol before getting behind the wheel of his Aston Martin in Casino Royale, which he subsequently crashed at high speed.

"UK NHS recommendations for alcohol consumption state that an adult male should drink no more than 21 units a week, with no more than 4 units on any one day, and at least two alcohol free days a week. James Bond's drinking habits are well in excess of each of these three parameters," the authors state. "This level of consumption makes him a category 3 drinker (>60 g alcohol/day) and therefore in the highest risk group for malignancies, depression, hypertension, and cirrhosis. He is also at high risk of suffering from sexual dysfunction, which would considerably affect his womanizing."

"James Bond's level of alcohol intake puts him at high risk of multiple alcohol related diseases and an early death. The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol," the study concludes. "We advise an immediate referral for further assessment and treatment, a reduction in alcohol consumption to safe levels, and suspect that the famous catchphrase 'shaken, not stirred' could be because of alcohol induced tremor affecting his hands."

The study also noted that James Bond author Ian Fleming died of heart disease at age 56 "after a life notable for alcohol and tobacco excess" and added, "We suspect that Bond's life expectancy would be similar."

Source: BMJ [http://www.bmj.com/content/347/bmj.f7255]


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JenSeven

Crazy person! Avoid!
Oct 19, 2010
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"My name is Bond, James Bond."
"Hi James"
"And I have a drinking problem..."
 

Dr.Awkward

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Mar 27, 2013
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I'd say after hearing this, he'd be quite shaken, but not stirred. As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...
 

JenSeven

Crazy person! Avoid!
Oct 19, 2010
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Dr.Awkward said:
As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...
Fun fact about that one, it actually came from Never Say Never Again, which is not an official Bond movie.
And Claus Maria Brandauer is brilliant.
 

The Artificially Prolonged

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Jul 15, 2008
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Why do I get the suspicion that this journal was written the night before it was due after watching a James Bond marathon? :p

Given how much James Bond drinks and sleeps around, I pretty sure that it is statistically more likely that his death would be connected to these activities then any of the high speed chases and gun fights.
 

tangoprime

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May 5, 2011
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Dr.Awkward said:
I'd say after hearing this, he'd be quite shaken, but not stirred. As if the mission to destroy all free radicals wasn't enough...
I was about to link the youtube video of that scene, but you beat me to the reference ;)
Here it is anyway.
At least the unofficial Bond movie was on to something about all his drinking.

Also, the bit about the quantified amount of alcohol consumption following by crashing his Aston Martin Vanquish in Casino Royale, hilarious, he wrecked because of drinking and driving like a common schmuck, for all we know the girl in the road wasn't even really there.

The Artificially Prolonged said:
Given how much James Bond drinks and sleeps around, I pretty sure that it is statistically more likely that his death would be connected to these activities then any of the high speed chases and gun fights.
There was a great SNL skit I couldn't find about him having to contact all the former bond girls to inform him of all his STDs (which they've went on to just naming Bond-1, Bond-2, etc. because of new ones) There's also this:
 

CriticalMiss

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Jan 18, 2013
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Considering how often he gets shot at, how many explosions he dramatically escapes from and that one time he had his knackers crushed by a foreign bloke who cries blood I think Jim's entitled to drink as much as he wants.
 

Psychobabble

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Aug 3, 2013
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Ronack said:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.
Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote
 

Jamash

Top Todger
Jun 25, 2008
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Psychobabble said:
Ronack said:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.
Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote
It depends. Is chasing Roadrunners a growing problem in society that puts a great strain on the medical services and is especially prevalent at this time of year?

Until cartoon animal pursuit and self-inflicted trap injuries become as big a societal problem and health risk as alcohol abuse, I don't think the British Medical Journal will publish a study about Wile E Coyote in order to raise awareness of the issue in a light-hearted and captivating manner.
 

Therumancer

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Nov 28, 2007
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I think someone kind of missed part of the point. The thing about James Bond is he's in an incredibly dangerous line of work and pretty much assumes someone is going to take him out at some point. Given that he can die on a moment's notice and possibly not even know who did it or why, he lives hard, all the cigarettes, fast women, and potent drinks are part of it. He's generally speaking not a guy who thinks in terms of retiring, given that his basic job is "hey go and infiltrate the lair of this psychotic mad scientist billionaire guy who wants to wipe out the world and whom surrounds himself with world class mercenaries and assasins".

The concern I have with analysis from the direction of this article is that it seems like the first step in someone wanting to say "modernize" James Bond by getting rid of all of his defining bad habits to make him a better role model.

I'll also say that this basic attitude does kind of apply to people in high stress or dangerous jobs across the board. It's why things like the hard drinking cop have become stereotypes and worked their way into fiction, why soldiers in foreign war zones are infamous for their excesses (drugs, booze, and whores), and similar things. I'll also say that if you think Rock Stars are bad, nobody can trash a hotel room like a bunch of celebrating firemen. Airline Stewardesses also seem to have a very stressful job, and let's just say that stereotype also seems to exist for a reason. The point being when your always stressed out, or could literally die on your job tomorrow, you aren't thinking in terms of "gee, is drinking this much all the time going to kill me by the time I'm 60?". If you were to hypothetically ask James Bond what he'd be doing when he was 60 he'd probably have no idea because he wouldn't expect to be alive that far into the future, and if he was, it wouldn't matter because the guy probably drinks largely because he literally has people (and we're talking world class killers here) trying to kill him all the time, which probably causes a lot of stress no matter what demeanor he projects.
 

Therumancer

Citation Needed
Nov 28, 2007
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Jamash said:
Psychobabble said:
Ronack said:
In other news, BMJ is grasping for straws to have at least SOMETHING to do.
Yep.

Wow this is amazing hard hitting news!! I wonder how long before they finish their assessment of the realistic longevity of Wiley Coyote
It depends. Is chasing Roadrunners a growing problem in society that puts a great strain on the medical services and is especially prevalent at this time of year?

Until cartoon animal pursuit and self-inflicted trap injuries become as big a societal problem and health risk as alcohol abuse, I don't think the British Medical Journal will publish a study about Wile E Coyote in order to raise awareness of the issue in a light-hearted and captivating manner.
Well one could argue that the enduring popularity of Wile E Coyote is because we all have a bit of him inside of us. He also works perfectly as a metaphor for the average person always chasing something, even the simplest things, and not being able to have them no matter how much we try. :)

An in depth analysis could suggest everyone pursue a bohemian lifestyle, showing that nothing good comes of trying to pursue even the simplest long term goals because the way the world is they just don't work out. :)

Not a great message, but you know... I could see someone doing it for a stoner magazine or whatever. :)
 

Not G. Ivingname

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Nov 18, 2009
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JenSeven said:
"My name is Bond, James Bond."
"Hi James"
"And I have a drinking problem..."
Some time earlier...

Judge: Mr. Bond, you are being charged with 13 counts of drunk driving. How do plead?

James Bond: I don't need to LISTen to you... Dr. O... No.

Judge: ...Did you come to your sentencing hearing dru-

James Bond: SHUT UP, I know what your up to, with your moon bases and your crotch lasers... lazers... *Puts arm around the prosecutor* So, you want to see my gun, baby?

Judge: ...I will take that as guilty plea...