Joke Time

[Adam Galli]

Post some of your favorite jokes. This is one of mine:

An old woman is riding an elevator in a lavish store when a beautiful woman gets in the elevator, smelling of perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Another beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and turns to her and says, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"The old woman is about to get off the elevator but before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound...

 

[Elemental]

How does a Jewish guy make beer?

Hebrews.

(well I don't think it's offensive)

I don't get it.
(I'm jewish and from Israel btw lol)

 

[WolfThomas]

Not really a joke but I heard the worst pickup line a few weeks ago

Spoiler: Do you like whales?

Because there's a humpback at my place

 

[SckizoBoy]

A man walks into a pub in Morningside and asks the barmaid, "Could I get a quickie?", and the barmaid, appalled, replies, "How dare you, around here, it's called a quiche!"

 

[steeple]

How does a Jewish guy make beer?

Hebrews.

(well I don't think it's offensive)

Spoiler: *embarrassing silence*

OT: just look at some of the jokes from that video's comments...

some gold nuggets there...

 

[CrazyJew]

How does a Jewish guy make beer?

Hebrews.

(well I don't think it's offensive)

I don't get it.
(I'm jewish and from Israel btw lol)

Buddy, you BREW beer. Brews. Get it?

Fellow Israelite reporting in.



Anyways:

This guy comes into a bar...
WAIT! Damnit, it was a horse...



So, this guy comes into a horse...

 

[Lizardon]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[HiC]

A baby seal walks into a club.

I lol'd

Okay then, how about this one?
Why do they call helium, curium and barium the three medical elements?
Because if you can't "helium" and you can't "curium" then you barium"!...

I need a life

 

[Me55enger]

What is the appropriate weight for a mother-in-law?

2.3 pounds including the urn.

 

[tombman888]

A baby seal walks into a club.

I lol'd

Okay then, how about this one?
Why do they call helium, curium and barium the three medical elements?
Because if you can't "helium" and you can't "curium" then you barium"!...

I need a life

I play as Heimerdinger too. (At least thats who i hope you're quoting)

OT:as for my joke:
2 men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked

/or/

A man walked into a bar
It hurt

 

[HiC]

A baby seal walks into a club.

I lol'd

Okay then, how about this one?
Why do they call helium, curium and barium the three medical elements?
Because if you can't "helium" and you can't "curium" then you barium"!...

I need a life

I play as Heimerdinger too. (At least thats who i hope you're quoting)

OT:as for my joke:
2 men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked

/or/

A man walked into a bar
It hurt

lol, I play a bit of Heimer
also, your jokes made me lol

 

[WolfThomas]

Argon walks into a bar, the bartender say "oiy we don't serve noble gases here". Argon doesn't react.

 

[Llil]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian:
-I'll have fish and chips, please.
-Sir, this is a library.
-Oh, I'm sorry. [small]I'll have fish and chips, please.[/small]

Why did the hipster burn his tongue when eating a pizza?
-He tried to eat it before it was cool.

Why does the mushroom make people laugh?
-Because he's such a fun guy.

 

[SckizoBoy]

What is the appropriate weight for a mother-in-law?

2.3 pounds including the urn.

You know, if it wasn't for the time-stamp, I'd've asked if you were listening to Just a Minute (had a round on 'mother-in-law jokes').

Anyway, more geek jokes than I thought there would be so:

A proton and an electron walk into a bar, the proton says "You're round." The electron asks, "You sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive!"

Buh-dum-tish

 

[Me55enger]

What is the appropriate weight for a mother-in-law?

2.3 pounds including the urn.

You know, if it wasn't for the time-stamp, I'd've asked if you were listening to Just a Minute (had a round on 'mother-in-law jokes').

God bloody damn it ive been god bloody swindled...

... and i would have gotten away with it if it wernt for the fact that BBC radio 4 has more than 4 listeners...

 

[Elemental]

How does a Jewish guy make beer?

Hebrews.

(well I don't think it's offensive)

I don't get it.
(I'm jewish and from Israel btw lol)

Seriously?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebrews

And one makes beer by brewing it. Hebrews, he brews, see?

Dude, I've been quoted like 2 times now.
Okay, I got it, funny.