Judgey McJudgerson

[Hollyday]

I'd like to know how my fellow escapists feel they are judged by other people (based on age, race, gender, looks, hobbies etc etc.), and whether they take this in their stride or are upset by being judged.

I ask the question because yesterday I've felt the most judged I've ever felt, and it was extremely unpleasant (though also pretty funny in a 'I hate the town I live in' kind of way). I'll attempt to keep this brief... (HA!)

So, me and two female friends went for a drink at our local pub. We got a few strange looks, but that's normal because a) we're foreign and b) women don't tend to go out here on their own (I live in southern Italy). But then we started talking to a group of guys from Venice who were here for a construction contract. Cue the most judgemental looks I've ever gotten from the waitresses and other customers. Oh my god! - they're talking to men! Men who aren't from this town! Then things got worse, as I went to the bar to order my second alcoholic drink. The waitress bends over the bar and says in her most incredulous voice 'But, you've already had a cocktail. Are you sure you want another one?'. I've lived here for a while, so I know that the women here aren't big drinkers - I'd say 75% drink cola/iced tea rather than alcohol on nights out. But SERIOUSLY! They feel the need to tell me after 1 drink that I should probably call it a night?! Obviously I proceeded to buy 3 drinks so that I didn't have to go to the bar again

The kicker, though, came when the waitress came over to our table and in front of everyone said to my friend Amy 'what are you doing talking to these men? You have a boyfriend! Does he know what you're doing?'. Yes, he did know, he was sat outside drinking with his friends, and had come in a couple of times to say hi and buy Amy a drink. And we weren't flirting or doing anything inappropriate with these guys, we were just chatting: one group of outsiders to another.

I'm not insensitive to the culture differences between Italy and the UK, and I always try to be respectful because I'm living in their country so I should play by their rules, but what makes this annoying is that our behaviour was hardly controversial. A whole table of people next to us spent the whole night drinking shots and singing along to the radio whenever there was an Italian song. One guy fell over at the bar because he was so drunk. We were being really civilised and quiet. I would dearly love to never have to go to this pub again, but since it's one of only 2 pubs within walking distance and they both have the same people who frequent them, hiding from these judgements isn't really an option. All three of us are teachers at a language school, and if rumours about our behaviour start circulating around this little town we're going to lose students fast.

So, yeah, being judged sucks

Tell your stories!

 

[Vault101]

hmmm...an interesting topic

in terms of looks...well obviously in our society weather we like it or not women are (often in many ways) judged by their looks first and foremost

the Idea of rating women on a 1-10 scale and even more so the Idea of it happening to me kind of makes my stomach turn....I mean I don't put that much effort into my appearance (aside form my hair which desperate needs a cut) I havnt even bothered learned how to use most types of make up and I'm pushing 21 (and don't get me started on clothes)

most people think I'm alot younger than I actually am....

I don't have much of a social circle (or one at all) so I can't say too much about how others see me....aquaintences don't know my more "nerdy" interests....one thing thats pretty consistent across the board is "shy and quiet"

as for those how do know me better (mostly family) I feel like sometimes I'm not treated seriously..or as much as an adult (that may however be the usual "protectiveness" people get around family)

somtimes with my brother I feel as though he is in some ways judging me....I mention an expensive video game or action figure I bought or whatever and he asked "but you do save money right?" as if I'm some wo-manchild who doesnt know about money

and just a few days ago I was telling him about yahtzees column that mentioned drinking alone, which resonated with me because I had recently been enjoying a cider on my own now and again....when I told him about it all of a sudden I felt a bit awkward because I felt like I was trying to justify myself to him...that it wasn't sad (also the fact he has alot of friends and gos out whereas I don't) don't know if he's aware of that but it feels like a comparison between us

I don't know if my interests or whatever affect peoples view of me... sometimes I suspect so but...eh

 

[SomeLameStuff]

Oh yeah, I get judged quite a lot by others. When I went over to Australia, being Chinese (though I can't understand a word of it (failed TERRIBLY)), loads of Aussies I encountered tacked on the stereotypical "chinese immigrant" bullshit. You know, ignorant, dim-witted and doesn't understand english well. Like jeez, I speak better english than most of them! One extremely rude lady found that out the hard way ;P

And also because I play loads of games, read a lot, and still play Magic the Gathering, folks here seem to view me like some idiotic man-child. And they seem to refuse to believe I listen to heavy metal / punk rock. AND because I'm tiny sized at 1.59m at around 53kg, they seem to assume I'm weak as well. For your information, in Basic, I out-wrestled a mate who was much taller than me at 87kg.

SO STOP ASKING ME IF I CAN HANDLE THOSE DAMN BOXES!

 

[Fappy]

I'm a white male living in America, so I can get away with just about anything short of rape, pedophilia, mass murder, and gay sex without being condemned by my peers. I feel for you though OP, that's a really unfair position the locals have put you in. If at all possible try not to modify your behavior just because a few ignorant locals give you bad looks.

 

[IndomitableSam]

Ah, judgement. I tell everyone they should try being a teenage girl for a while if they think they're being judged harshly.

Seriously, though, I was overweight and pimply as a teen, so I've been judged so terribly that.. well it stil gets to me and I'm always paranoid I'm being judge poorly. I think everyone who so much glances at me is judging me and doesn't like me or is thinking mean things. Yay self esteem.

... In my line of work, everyone also judges each other based on amount of education and experience. Because I took 4 years of University (but didn't get a bachelors) and then got a 2-year college diploma, they think I'm dumber than someone with a Masters. Which is totally untrue - I beat out a lot of good people for this job, and I keep getting new projects given to me all the time by my bosses. Even over people with more degrees.

Being a woman sucks sometimes. You think everyone's out to get you or hates you because you're pretty. Or because you're ugly. Or because you're average.

... I won't get into the whole gaming aspect, because it's not much of a big deal anymore, but growing up in the 80s nd 90's as a girl gamer? ... Yeesh.

 

[Evil Smurf]

I was going a childcare course, I got those "is he a pedophile?" looks all the time. It put me off. If those bitches can't handle the fact that a male can be caring without being gay or wanting to bang kids then I pity them. And all males they know.

 

[themind]

The best mode of conduct for dealing with people who unfairly or unfoundedly judge you, especially when it is happening at a distance, is to do it right back to them.

I used to get shit on for long hair and smoking pot, as if I was intentionally burning kittens with a curling iron. The best approach to this was to shit on the men for short hair or shit on them for not smoking pot, as if they were missing out on free winning lottery tickets.

Lastly, I've gotten flak from the Christians because I think God is a Sky Wizard. Getting judged by Christians is ultimately ironic, considering the Bible's "judge not lest ye be judged", and the fact that the basis for their beliefs is completely idiotic. (and yes, that is a Judgey McJudgeson judgement, only returning the favour)

Having my atheism judged by Christians is the one that ticks me off. I have core beliefs about morality, the right/wrong of society, the need for goodness, kindness, generosity, charity, and what is generally ascribed as "virtue". The idea that Christians have, that they have sole authority on moral issues, it pisses me off. It is the one judgement I will not let roll down my back. I'd expound upon the idea, but I don't want to shift the thread onto religion, I'm simply saying that it is the one judgement I face most often, and it is the only judgement that goes beyond the surface and beyond behaviour to attack me as a person, and at that stage you have to defend yourself from the amoral moral Christian warriors.

 

[Phasmal]

Ah, judgement. I tell everyone they should try being a teenage girl for a while if they think they're being judged harshly.

I would say `try being a teenage girl with a brother who is twelve years younger than you`.
Oh, the looks I got.

My brother is great, and I was always with him, especially when he was very little.
People can act like real scumbags to a teenage girl pushing a pram.

Even when he was a bit older and I took him to the playground I'd still get the looks, even people in passing cars would give me the evil glare.
It used to bother me when I was younger because I wasn't his mum. But then I thought, this is really shitty if this is how people treat teenage mums.

He's ten now and we still get looks when I take him out, and he's old enough to notice it now, but we laugh about it.
So yeah, I get being judged by random strangers. Best thing to do is just not let it get to you.

 

[Fappy]

our local pub.... we're foreign

wat

the Idea of rating women on a 1-10 scale and even more so the Idea of it happening to me kind of makes my stomach turn....

As far as I can tell, this only happens in movies/TV, not real life.

I'm a white male living in America, so I can get away with just about anything

Really? What the fuck part of America do you live in where colored people don't assume that all white people are racist and women don't assume that all men are pigs?

Cobb County, Metro Atlanta. Most non-whites in the area are indistinguishable from white people in everything but appearance and most of the women are rich soccer moms. If they think all men are pigs they'd be hypocrites for marrying them.

 

[MysticToast]

I was going a childcare course, I got those "is he a pedophile?" looks all the time. It put me off. If those bitches can't handle the fact that a male can be caring without being gay or wanting to bang kids then I pity them. And all males they know.

This is one of those that always really bugged me. I babysit and work in a nursery often (male, obviously) and always get weird looks when I tell people I like kids. I always feel like, in their head, they're thinking all I want to do is rape the kids.

I just shrug it off, though. Not much use getting too worked up over it.

 

[Hollyday]

our local pub.... we're foreign

wat

Haha! I live in Italy on a permanent basis. I'm not Italian. My skin is pale even for a British person, and I have blue eyes and light brown hair so I couldn't stick out any more as 'foreign' if I wore a union jack dress and constantly walked around taking pictures of stuff.

'The local' is slang for your nearest pub.

 

[squidface]

Probably when I came out as bisexual in my first years of high school. It cost me a lot of potential friendships; I got insults like slut, whore, it was assumed I would do anything sexual, girls gave me funny looks in the P.E changing rooms, most of them didn't want to partner with me for P.E, a lot of them thought I fancied them (urgh, worst part of being bisexual for me is THAT assumption).

 

[Hollyday]

I was going a childcare course, I got those "is he a pedophile?" looks all the time. It put me off. If those bitches can't handle the fact that a male can be caring without being gay or wanting to bang kids then I pity them. And all males they know.

I have some male friends who have to deal with this all the time. One is now a nursery teacher and one parent wanted their child moved to have a female teacher. Thankfully the school told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was being a bigot. Do you feel that attitudes are slowly shifting, or is the fear of paedophiles and the sexualisation of children in society making this worse?

I feel for you though OP, that's a really unfair position the locals have put you in. If at all possible try not to modify your behavior just because a few ignorant locals give you bad looks.

Grazie! Sadly, I do modify my behaviour - not beyond the bounds of my principals but enough that I can live comfortably here. For example, I haven't changed the way I dress despite the fact that people think it's a little odd (I'm a bit of a tomboy and I don't wear much make-up, living in the land of full-make up, perfect hair and killer heels to go to the supermarket!), and if my students bring up any contentious issues (gay rights, gender-equality, religion etc.) I state my stance as briefly as possible and move on rather than engaging them in a debate (I'm here to teach english, not push my bleeding heart liberal agenda much as I'd like to). I have to be careful because previous employees of the school have brought a bad name to it because of their behaviour (real or perceived), and my boss' (and my) livelihood is dependent on the school's reputation. It's quite a lot of pressure!

 

[Hollyday]

...so take it as it comes and drink what you like, the people in the south are really warmhearted but they will still judge you no matter what you do.

I plan to And I agree, the people are extremely warm-hearted and friendly. This is my second year here and I wouldn't have come back if the positives didn't outweigh the negatives. I do love the south of Italy. I'd just like to fast-forward a decade to where their views may be a bit more liberal.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

Hate to be the elephant in the room, but I've honestly never been discriminated by anyone based on the criteria above. Sure I've had the minor annoyances from people who do not know how to pronounce my name properly, but nothing in terms of who I am, what I do, and what I'm interested in.

 

[Dags90]

My first day at university a classmate asked me "Are you here for college?" I was pretty annoyed. I was sitting outside a classroom a few minutes before class begins, did she think I was a janitor or something? Obviously I was there for class.

There was also this girl I had a few classes with who I had gotten a bit friendly with. After I told her I was gay though, she started acting like I was some Bravo stereotype. You aren't America Ferrera, I am not your personal stylist.

I mostly take it in stride. I can be pretty judgmental myself.

 

[Karoshi]

Ah, judgement. I tell everyone they should try being a teenage girl for a while if they think they're being judged harshly.

I would say `try being a teenage girl with a brother who is twelve years younger than you`.
Oh, the looks I got.

Oh boy, I know this story. I'm 20 with a 2 year old brother and if I take him out for a stroll, I always feel like I'm being perceived as his mom. Thankfully, I haven't received any negativity about it. My condolescences I guess.

 

[Hollyday]

Oh, you're British. That explains a lot.

You definitely can't leave it there! TELL ME WHAT IT EXPLAINS!!!

Note to self: British women can apparently handle their liquor a hell of a lot better than Italian women. I should party with British women more often.

There speaks a man who has never stood outside a Wetherspoons on a Saturday night

**National stereotypes ahoy!** That's kind of like saying 'tortoises are quicker than snails, so I should bet on one winning the Olympic 100m gold.' Now, if your after the Usain Bolt of this terrible metaphor, go Irish. My flatmate is Irish and she could drink 3 drinks to every 1 of mine and still get up and walk home after I'd be comatose under the table. The woman's a legend.

 

[DugMachine]

Eh when I started getting into Tattoos and my smoking habit picked up I was judged on a fuck ton. But it never really bothered me.

People that knew me from highschool just never saw me as the type who'd ink up his body or smoke his life away. I was always super clean cut in highschool and always followed the rules... cept I was really a freaking stoner bum and only got good grades because high school is easy.


Oh and when I was very overweight I got a lot of crap for it. It was my own fault but even to this day I don't like to be reminded of it or made fun of but I'll put on a face and laugh along if people want to be assholes and not let it go.

 

[Sonic Doctor]

I can't say I've ever been judged all that much. The most I've ever received is short jokes when I was in junior high(middle school). I was Mini(Mini Me) a couple years at school.

most people think I'm alot younger than I actually am....

That's not necessarily a bad thing, well unless you constantly have to show your ID when you are old enough to order alcohol.

The reason I quoted you is that I was reminded of one time when I was 24, I actually got asked by a waitress when I entered a restaurant with my Mom, if I needed a kids menu. The bizarre thing was that I had a little over half beard grown on my face.

So, either the waitress was blind, the young kids in that area had unusually hairy faces, or she was making some kind of joke aimed at me.