Just dumped - any tips on how to survive?

[holy_secret]

Hey y'all. My boyfriend just dumped me. He said he didn't love me anymore and he was crying and saying how I'm the most amazing person in the world and blablabla.

So currently, I'm in my bed with ben & jerry's and nutella. TV taught me that this is how a woman should react to these sort of things. Since I'm a gay guy, I figure this applies to me as well.

Anyways. What can I do to move on? What are your tips? It may not look like it by the way I'm writing, but I'm an absolute mess and completely heart broken.
Actually...I just want someone to talk to about this. Don't got a lot of people that know I'm gay and it's kind of a sensitive topic...

I know it's random, but it would be great to hear from you guys.
Thanks.

 

[Barbas]

Like Baffle said, taking it one day at a time and keeping yourself occupied is important. Whether or not you parted on good or bad terms, it's important not to let it embitter you toward your previous partner or anyone else. Today you'll be heartbroken, tomorrow you may be depressed, but eventually you'll be anything you like.

Do have some comfort food and a beer or two. Treat yourself. Let any harsh feelings bleed out. Tomorrow's the start of the road and you'll manage to move on given enough time.

 

[Terminal Blue]

"Survive" is a good word.

Whatever you do, things are going to suck for a bit, but if you let it there will come a time when you stop noticing how much it sucks and then it stops hurting so much, so really all you're doing is waiting for that time. Everything in the meantime is just about survival, it's about continuing to breathe in and out while time works its magic.

Do whatever helps. Just try to keep it safe.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

I agree with the sentiment that "Survival" is the best word to describe the situation.

When I got dumped it....damn it sucked. Sucked for me for a long time. But I didn't have a lot of options aside from putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on doing that until I felt like I was emotionally stable enough to NOT focus on that. In short I stayed..."in the moment" a lot. I focused on what was in front of me until I felt like I could think about what happened without wanting to break down and cry. When I did, I focused on what she told me...the positive things. The fact that I was an amazing boyfriend and that it wasn't anything I had done. The fact that she wanted to continue to be (and is to this day) my best friend. For my own part I reached the conclusion that things had gone well, I didn't have to do any dumping, we were still friends, and considering all the stories I'd heard from others about people hating each other and such after breakups, I feel like I couldn't have asked for a better breakup.

Some people told me to hate her, to block her on facebook, delete her from my phone, all that. I can see where that's very appealing. Hate takes the place of the love you had, and it's width and breadth can be equal to love's, so it can fill the gap quite nicely. But I feel like that's not being honest with yourself, and cutting yourself off from someone who can be a good friend in the future. I think it takes greater strength to walk away from the end and NOT hate. To slog through the tears and feeling worthless and the general unhappiness and come out not hating them. Sometimes I think that hating, that constant closing-off and cauterizing of relationships once they change states contributes to this constant jealousy and paranoia that I see around me. This 'Oh no you did NOT lock your phone! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!' crap. You trusted someone, for their own reasons and in their own ways they broke your heart. You got angry and you never dealt with what the anger was covering up because the anger was easier. Now you get angry any time it looks like that might happen again, because you'll have to face those feelings again.

Face them the first time. Learn from your mistakes, take pride in the praise they had for you both before, during, and after the end. Take one day at a time, and take it like that as long as you need to.

 

[FootloosePhoenix]

If you haven't done so already, I recommend crying. Just go someplace where you can be alone for as long as you need with a big box of tissues and let it all out. Cry until you can't cry any more, and then cry a little extra to be sure. You might feel better afterwards, or you might just feel tired/emotionally drained, but I think it's an important step. I recently had a break-up with my first boyfriend too. We met online, were together for almost four and a half years and I honestly thought we would get married eventually, so I feel for you. What made it particularly hard for me was that he was also my best (and pretty much only close) friend, so aside from my sister who I really didn't want to talk about it with, I felt very alone.

Another thing you might want to try is writing to him. An e-mail or an old-fashioned pen-and-paper letter. Use it to vent whatever you're feeling, or even just talk to him about things you might not have been able to talk about with to other people. Whether you actually send them or not is up to you. However, I would strongly advise not contacting him until you're emotionally stable again, if at all. My ex and I decided to remain friends, but we agreed to a period of no contact. And personally I did send mine, but I didn't have any hurtful feelings to vent and it depends entirely on what the nature of your relationship was to say whether it would be appropriate or not. Either way, simply the act of writing the letters got me through a lot of the early rough days.

Other than that, just keep yourself busy, like others have said. If you go to school, focus on your studies. If you have a job, devote your mind to the tasks at hand while you're there. Make small-talk with the people who surround you on a day-to-day basis. Play video games or watch a TV show you like in your spare time. Or do art if that's one of your hobbies. Even if it's hard to imagine right now, you will get over this guy. You were a complete person before him and will be afterwards too.

 

[HerefordEscapistMan]

Hey dude.

I know how you are feeling, I remember when my ex dumped me, so I was a depressed mess, all I wanted to do was kill myself, I know it doesn't sound good but it is really true what they say, it just takes time. You need something to keep yourself occupied, that is what I did!

I just poured all of my time into developing websites to keep my mind off things, talking to friends about it is also a good one! What they tell you is hard but true and why is sounds cruddy now, moving on is the best option, there are always people there to help with this, take the Escapist forum community, they helped me greatly along side my friends in helping me move on.

Like my friends said to me, stay strong!! The best is yet to come!

 

[gorfias]

A small desire for revenge helps, and the best revenge? Living well. You owe it to yourself to know in your heart how wrong this guy was and it is his loss.

Sure, have some sulk food but then commit to improving yourself in every imaginable way with a healthy amount of diet, exercise and better clothes. Do what you need to to get an even better job than you have now (unfair but true: improving your appearance will improve your employment prospects).

You'll be so busy he will be an nothing but an after-thought who really missed out.

 

[Jux]

I'd add that you should be responsible with the booze, especially if you have tendencies towards addiction. Grief is a process, and it's hard to tell anyone that doing 'x y and z' will cheer you right up and make things all ok, because it isn't really true. We need time to process emotional traumas like this.

Generally though, staying busy is a good thing. Comfort food may feel good in the short term, but making sure you get the right ammount of sleep (not too little, not too much) and staying physically active will assist in the process.

 

[Brownie80]

I know someone who was dumped a while ago. Twice. (He wasn't great with the women.) However, I told him that if he needs alone time, then that's perfectly fine, but don't dwell on all the details, that will just make things worse. Don't worry, sooner or later, you'll work things out.

 

[Mark Purcell]

I'm gonna be honest with ya - I'm not exactly a very emotional guy (when I got dumped my initial reaction was "oh ok, see ya").
But for someone a little more "delicate" I can understand that it can be quite painful; so grab a big bottle of cider, wank for an hour or two then play some video games that are low stress while getting shit-faced on cider.
In the morning you'll feel good as new (or like shit depending on how much of a light weight you are).