Disclaimer: This is my first review I've posted on The Escapist, I'm sure there's some kind of etiquette I'm flouting - bear with me, I'll learn eventually!
Before I get into ranting overdrive, let me give you the bottom line from the very beginning. Fable 3 is not as good as Fable 2. It pales in comparison. It's less satisfying and less engaging - really not what you'd expect from a AAA sequel that represents the exact kind of exclusive Xbox 360 owners should be able to wave tantalisingly in the face of PS3 owners.
Now, where to begin? Fable games have always been about actions and their consequences, usually on a black and white, good and evil basis. Your actions would manifest themselves either physically on your hero character (horns sprouting forth from your head if you play an evil character, for example), or on the surrounding environment or NPCs. Consequences were greatly emphasised in Fable 2, with one particular scene exemplifying this quite nicely. You were in a generic evil tower for reasons that I can't honestly remember, and for some reason you were presented with a prisoner and asked whether you wanted to electrocute them, or give them the food they were begging you for. Now, obviously the moral choice is basic, there's a good option and a bad option - a factor that I'm increasingly becoming tired of in games that offer moral choices, I prefer ambiguous moral choices like that offered in Fallout: New Vegas. Whichever option you choose, you can see the NPC either writhing in agony, or being pathetically grateful as they gorge themselves on generic tube-based vitamin substitute.
These visible consequences are less pronounced in Fable 3, despite making moral choices even more obvious (really Lionhead? A glittering white A button or a flaming X button?). The consequences of your actions are only visible if you actively seek them. Furthermore, you can only find out your current status of morality by going into the options menu... Really? That's funny, because in the past I was able to not only see morality points accruing above my head as I performed each action, but I also saw my character change physically.
Now, the options menu. Peter Molyneux made a big fuss before Fable 3 came out about how Fable 2's menus were clunky, and the vast majority of players didn't know about a lot of the options available to them, because they just couldn't get through the bloody thing! I can't argue with this, but I can definitely argue with the alternative - a partially interactive, abstract options "building" rather than a "screen", with different sub-menus represented by different "rooms", all presided over by John Cleese for some reason. Quite why I should have to walk over to my treasury every time I want to see how much money I have is completely fucking beyond me. Why was this not visible on the HUD? Especially when money becomes so critical once you become king. Maybe this approach to menu design would be at least remotely tolerable if John Cleese was given funny dialogue. But what do you know, in the 25 or so hours I put into the game, all he ever said was "Welcome to the Sanctuary" (translation: "Welcome to the menu" - Gee, thanks John) or "There's some new items in the Sanctuary Shop" (translation: "There's some new Fable 3 DLC on the XBL Marketplace, so buy it you cheap bastard and maybe I'll shut up").
It's an idea that sounds perfect on paper, if I was Peter Molyneux and one of my Lionhead stooges came up to me and said "Hey Pete, how's the wife? Yeah we were thinking of drafting in one of Britain's most respected comedy actors to play a fairly prominent part in Fable 3" "Brilliant" I'd say "Do we have any witty dialogue for him?"
"No sir"
"Oh ok, so we're letting him write his own script? Good idea Jenkins"
"Well, no actually we were thinking of giving him pretty generic dialogue, so that really, there was no point in bothering him in his retirement, but we will any way, so it makes an interesting developer diary we can put on YouTube"
"I've always liked you Jenkins"
Maybe it's the fact that I had just completed Portal 2 before moving to Fable 3, but the occasionally funny dialogue from Fable 2 isn't present here. Fable 3 isn't even remotely funny. Instead it's approach to comedy is lines delivered awkwardly that barely pass the basic definition of "comedy". For example, "oh you're not going to start harping on about item descriptions are you? Because NOBODY READS ITEM DESCRIPTIONS".
Har.
Har.
Har.
That's so funny I could cut off my own chin, stick nails in my eyes and cheese-grater my own scrotum. Granted, a comparison to Portal 2 is unfair, Fable 3's audience is more widespread, more family-friendly (despite being a 16 rated game), when Portal 2's is largely gamers, who (I think it's fair to say) will be intelligent - they would have had to have been to pass through some of Portal's trickier test chambers without resorting to the Internet.
Now then, being king. The big new draw of Fable 3. Hell, Peter Molyneux, when demoing part of the king gameplay at E3 said that you are made king about halfway through the game. So you'd think that it was a really well fleshed-out, interesting part of the game, seeing as you spend one half rallying a fucking revolution to get to the other. No, Peter. That's a lie. You become king about three quarters through the game. And what an experience it is. Totally worth slogging through the same Fable 2 gameplay - with the diminished complexity completely neutered to no complexity whatsoever - for 20 or so hours. I mean, let's consider what you actually get to do when you become king. Well, you get to press A or X a couple of times when presented with the exact kind of obvious moral choices with no impact I've already discussed. Then you get to embark on three of the games most half-arsed quests, the worst offender I can't reveal without it being a spoiler. And let's face it, if I spoil the meagre story offering in Fable, what else is there to hold it up?
Oh yeah, nothing.
Stick with Fable 2.
Wish it was possible to get magazines to publish reviews like this, really..
