(I'm not to sure the policy on language around here, so if it's a problem let me know. This is a little something I put up on my Facebook page, and thought I'd put it on here as well. Hope you enjoy!)
I have to ask this before I go anywhere with the review/rant.
Has anyone else noticed that Edward Cullen looks a lot like Eddie Izzard?
I thought I could watch the entirety of ?Twilight? >retch< without cracking up and thus distracting myself ? but as soon as I noticed this I had to start typing this rant up. It?s like Eddie said, ?It?s a new millenium thing. You?ll find that by the end of the millenium, that you?re dead? And there will be a lot more guys wearing makeup.?
Maybe I should try it?
I get it though, why Pattinson is wearing lipstick that is and I kind of like it for its cleverness (I?m going to regret saying that four paragraphs in). It all plays into the damn metaphor. For those that don?t get it however (I ran into a fan a while back that didn?t get it, so SCORE), I?ll explain the metaphor?
The lipstick is red. Red is the colour of blood. Blood is the vampire obsession. It?s what they WANT!
Lips are deeply sensual so this particular choice of makeup plays directly into, ?feeding? the stories? irritating message... Feeding relates back to the fucking red apple on the books? cover! Come on! It?s not exactly subtle! If Stephanie Meyer wanted to be anymore blatant she would have renamed Ed and Isabella, Adam and Eve! The whole story is about desire and swooning. Yet it forces abstinence on the two, making it just a damn cock tease.
Oh what?s that Edward?
You want to suckle on Isabellas? neck and quote on quote drink her blood ? but that?s murder! Swoon?
But look at Kristin Swan?s rosy red lips, isn?t she so sexy? Swoon?
And she?s so loyal, obedient, so subservient! She needs you Edward! Sexist Swoon!
This movie is such a swooning cock tease it even gave me a case of blue balls that rivaled that of Dr. Manhattan! Then Ashley Greene pops on the screen? ?FUCK YOU!? screamed my balls as they dropped off and rolled away (again)!
Putting all jokes aside however, here comes the hard part (that?s not a cock joke? Really!).
Is it a good movie, or rather did I like it.
To be honest, I?m so sick of this movie I can no longer call it Twilig ? without tasting bile.
So no, I don?t and here?s why.
First I?m astounded and amazed really that this film has any female audience because the story comes across as so damn misogynistic with Isabella. Isabella is just too attracted to Edward; it?s hard not to laugh when you hear about girls defending this and beating the crap out of a guy for saying La Fascination sucks. No longer is Dracula the enemy, but rather now something for women to worship? I think some feminists (and Abraham Stoker) would be rolling in their graves if they saw this.
The only way I could not look at Meyer without smacking her is if she told me this is supposed to be a satire of teenage relationships. I can?t believe that however, because she?s made so many sequels and so much money, that if this were a joke-gone way off course, she wouldn?t be able to speak/type/walk without laughing to the point of pissing herself!
Looking past its misogyny and swooning (it isn?t easy), La Fascination is also just plain shallow. It?s a sad attempt at Interview with the Vampire.
It reminded me a lot of another book/film that I?d recommend over this bad joke?
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt.
Tuck Everlasting plays with the same idea of eternal romance and life, but it doesn?t take the reader into a little fantasy world ? With vampires and werewolves, misogynistic male fantasy (AKA Mormonism) blah, blah, blah! No! Tuck Everlasting kept the story grounded in ?the real world? and focused on the issue of change and the actual ramifications of eternal life. Something La Fascination kind of passes over.
I would have loved to seen Daddy Cullen pull Isabella aside, row her out into the middle of a lake and tell her ?Oh by the way! Being a vampire kind of sucks ass,? but that didn?t happen because Daddy Cullen wasn?t legendary actor William Hunt (Angus Tuck)? Swoon.
While I?m comparing La Fascination to better films?
?The most epic romance since Titanic? ? HOLLYWOOD.com
?
?
?
WHAT!?
Titanic was released in 1997! Eleven years ago!
You know what was released only five years ago?!
A movie that beats them both down!
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
So in conclusion, guys next time your girl says ?Hey, let?s watch Twilight (gag)!?
You should hug her, kiss her and then tell her, ?I love you more than that movie does!?
?
You?re welcome!
Haha!
I have to ask this before I go anywhere with the review/rant.
Has anyone else noticed that Edward Cullen looks a lot like Eddie Izzard?
I thought I could watch the entirety of ?Twilight? >retch< without cracking up and thus distracting myself ? but as soon as I noticed this I had to start typing this rant up. It?s like Eddie said, ?It?s a new millenium thing. You?ll find that by the end of the millenium, that you?re dead? And there will be a lot more guys wearing makeup.?
Maybe I should try it?
I get it though, why Pattinson is wearing lipstick that is and I kind of like it for its cleverness (I?m going to regret saying that four paragraphs in). It all plays into the damn metaphor. For those that don?t get it however (I ran into a fan a while back that didn?t get it, so SCORE), I?ll explain the metaphor?
The lipstick is red. Red is the colour of blood. Blood is the vampire obsession. It?s what they WANT!
Lips are deeply sensual so this particular choice of makeup plays directly into, ?feeding? the stories? irritating message... Feeding relates back to the fucking red apple on the books? cover! Come on! It?s not exactly subtle! If Stephanie Meyer wanted to be anymore blatant she would have renamed Ed and Isabella, Adam and Eve! The whole story is about desire and swooning. Yet it forces abstinence on the two, making it just a damn cock tease.
Oh what?s that Edward?
You want to suckle on Isabellas? neck and quote on quote drink her blood ? but that?s murder! Swoon?
But look at Kristin Swan?s rosy red lips, isn?t she so sexy? Swoon?
And she?s so loyal, obedient, so subservient! She needs you Edward! Sexist Swoon!
This movie is such a swooning cock tease it even gave me a case of blue balls that rivaled that of Dr. Manhattan! Then Ashley Greene pops on the screen? ?FUCK YOU!? screamed my balls as they dropped off and rolled away (again)!
Putting all jokes aside however, here comes the hard part (that?s not a cock joke? Really!).
Is it a good movie, or rather did I like it.
To be honest, I?m so sick of this movie I can no longer call it Twilig ? without tasting bile.
So no, I don?t and here?s why.
First I?m astounded and amazed really that this film has any female audience because the story comes across as so damn misogynistic with Isabella. Isabella is just too attracted to Edward; it?s hard not to laugh when you hear about girls defending this and beating the crap out of a guy for saying La Fascination sucks. No longer is Dracula the enemy, but rather now something for women to worship? I think some feminists (and Abraham Stoker) would be rolling in their graves if they saw this.
The only way I could not look at Meyer without smacking her is if she told me this is supposed to be a satire of teenage relationships. I can?t believe that however, because she?s made so many sequels and so much money, that if this were a joke-gone way off course, she wouldn?t be able to speak/type/walk without laughing to the point of pissing herself!
Looking past its misogyny and swooning (it isn?t easy), La Fascination is also just plain shallow. It?s a sad attempt at Interview with the Vampire.
It reminded me a lot of another book/film that I?d recommend over this bad joke?
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt.
Tuck Everlasting plays with the same idea of eternal romance and life, but it doesn?t take the reader into a little fantasy world ? With vampires and werewolves, misogynistic male fantasy (AKA Mormonism) blah, blah, blah! No! Tuck Everlasting kept the story grounded in ?the real world? and focused on the issue of change and the actual ramifications of eternal life. Something La Fascination kind of passes over.
I would have loved to seen Daddy Cullen pull Isabella aside, row her out into the middle of a lake and tell her ?Oh by the way! Being a vampire kind of sucks ass,? but that didn?t happen because Daddy Cullen wasn?t legendary actor William Hunt (Angus Tuck)? Swoon.
While I?m comparing La Fascination to better films?
?The most epic romance since Titanic? ? HOLLYWOOD.com
?
?
?
WHAT!?
Titanic was released in 1997! Eleven years ago!
You know what was released only five years ago?!
A movie that beats them both down!
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
So in conclusion, guys next time your girl says ?Hey, let?s watch Twilight (gag)!?
You should hug her, kiss her and then tell her, ?I love you more than that movie does!?
?
You?re welcome!
Haha!
