Letters to Skyrim

[Not-here-anymore]

Citizens of Skyrim

I'm terribly sorry if an errant portion of my thu'um, guts of magic, or overly enthusiastic sword slash should catch you in passing. However, the large fire-breathing lizard over there is worrying me slightly, and I would appreciate your assistance in removing it. It was, in fact, my primary target, but you insisted on walking in front of me, trying to get me to eat human flesh. A horrendously stereotypical view of werewolves, I have to add.
Since evidently we are now engaged in a blood feud from which only one of us can emerge alive, may I suggest we at least put our differences aside until the dragon has lost the privilege of breathing?

Yours irritably
Sinestro.

 

[MrRetroSpectacles]

Dear Skyrim,

Send guards to every small town and village, then reinforce the cities with a guard in every home and business. It has come to my attention that after trying for three hours to inform a family of Leifnarrs death, the mighty Dragonborn dragon slayer, "Dovahkiin", decided to behead the mother in front of child and upon being unable to harm the child, left their home as a werewolf and proceeded to slaughter everything else.

Regards,
Azrael

(p.s, I'm the dragonborn Azrael, I'm only warning you so that I have more heads to cut off when I get to each place. See you soon Cicero...)

 

[Alphakirby]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

 

[Nedoras]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to take the time to apologize for not letting the souls of the departed go to Sovngarde. However this is not my fault as my lord Molag Bal demands souls, and the souls I feed his mace using the Black Star just so happen to belong to your people......that I kindly bludgeon to death on a regular basis. I mean no harm to you, I just mean severe harm to them.

Sincerely and with love,
Vaelis: The only High Elf wearing heavy armor in the province

 

[Tiger Sora]

Dear Skyrim,

Please don't have every freaking Nord in a pack of 4 or more all use 2 handers. it's a pain duel wielding daggers.
And why can't I back up faster than a half mile an hour with a strung bow. What is pushing on me as I try to run back from enemies.
And invest in better locks.

Sincerely,
An anonymous rogue.

 

[retyopy]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

You, Mr. Sir, are a fabulous comeback man.

 

[ryanxm]

Dear Skyrim. My xbox broke after playing you for about 3 days. I raged very hard, and have reverted back to minecraft for now. I will re-write this letter when I get it fixed. -sincerely, Me.

 

[DalekJaas]

Dear Skyrim,

I am the head of every major organisation in the country, yet people still ask me to go into caves and find their rubbish stuff like an 'iron mace'.

Why can't I command anyone to do it for me?

Love, uncrowned overlord of Skyrim.

 

[Yearlongjester]

Dear Skyrim,

After becoming a Thane for glorious Whiterun, I was estatic. I was an official noble, and I had a cutie to carry all my heavy stuff and all that. Seeing as the equipment she brought with her was far from optimal I gave her various heavily enchanted items and weapons in addition to my massive loot bag. The biggest item I loaned to my housecarl was Wuulthraad, the two-handed battleaxe of Ysgrimor.

It's been two weeks now and I'm not really sure where my housecarl went. Maybe she got upset when I overthrew the thane of Whiterun and installed a new one more loyal to the Stormcloak rebellion and had to reestablish my position as Thane. But a faint suspicion has me guessing she's crossed the border with what must have been all the gold in the entire planet. So that sucks.
Thanks for listening,
Tygra (I look like the dude from Thundercats)

P.S. I suspect she sold all of my items before departing, because every single damn shopkeeper only has roughly 500 gold max to make exchanges with.

 

[Matt Work]

Dear Bethesda,
Where's my god damn Construction Set already?!
Sincerely, Deliverance, Cloth wearing Axe Wielding Mismatched Warrior Man

 

[War Penguin]

Dear Skyrim,

Is it possible not to choose sides in your civil war? I know I'm an Imperial and all, but I know what's right for the people. And quite frankly, from what I've seen, neither is right to rule over you. Seriously, the empire is an ass as much as Ulfric Stormcloak times a hundred.

Also, why aren't my companions any interesting to talk to? I want to go my own adventure and if they want to join me, I want to know why! Sure, maybe I've earned their respect, but at least give me a little backstory from them, or at least a little personality!

Other than that, I am enjoying my stay in my nice little Whiterun house. Granted, Lydia doesn't seem to understand the concept of "get out," but she ain't to much of a bother.

Sincerely, nice guy Phil.

 

[Sleepy Sol]

Dear Skyrim,

...What the hell are you feeding all your bears? Seriously, they're like small tanks.

Sincerely,
A mildly concerned lizard

 

[Furioso]

Dear Jarl of Winterhold,

There is a Dark Elf woman in your town who is apparently constantly verbally abused by your townspeople for her race. Shockingly enough, upon entering the town her life was threatened. Being the good Argonian that I am, I stopped to cheer her up, at which point we had a discussion about how racism is bad. It was then that I got the idea to write this letter in an effort to stop racism in your fine city, but then she turned right around and called me a "damn lizard" so now I ask that you enforce a stricter anti Dark Elf policy and throw this woman in jail for hypocrisy.

P.S. Have your best mages come up with a way to remove the ice spikes and arrows from a living body, seriously, I have had these ice spikes (which will not melt) and arrows in my chest for days now, I think I may get an infection soon.
Signed,
Talon

 

[Peteron]

Dear Skyrim,
For the Nords! Hehehe, but in all seriousness, prepare to be pillaged.

With love,
Megatron, bringer of destruction <3

 

[-Ezio-]

Dear Guards of Skyrim,

i know your jobs are tedious now that you have fallen victim to the notorious knee bandit and you take any chance you get to engage in conversations with visiting adventurers. but i must say i find your comments about my smelling like wet dog very racially insensitive, as i'm sure my lycanthropic brothers do as well. i suggest you institute some sort of mandatory public relations course before a less tollerent werewolf decides to eat you all.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: Stop commenting on my ear fluff, it upsets me.

-----

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

-----

Dear Whoever has Kidnaped my Dog

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my dog go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Vengefully,
Risa

 

[Kopikatsu]

P.S. Why is it that I can kill these supposedly nigh invincible dragons without breaking a sweat but a bandit leader with a two handed axe has completely handed my arse to me? Maybe he should be your champion.

Because you can absorb their souls. If the Dragon's soul isn't absorbed when it is killed, then it'll just revive itself. Dovahkiin isn't the only one who can kill Dragons...but s/he's the only one who can make them stay dead.

 

[PinkiePyro]

Dear bandits of skyrim,

May you all be fucked in the face by a troll
I have no interest in fighting you when there is a dragon to not only set fire to your fort/dungeon/hovel but also the nearby town village.

sincerely,
wildmoon

 

[Blondi3]

Dear Skyrim,
I had to choose between you and Saints Row The Third, I chose Saints Row The Third.
I could not care any less about you, maybe it's the ridiculous amounts of hype you have gotten and still do despite being out for over a week now. I never cared about you and I probably never will, as long as people keep preaching you as some gift from the gods, I will not care about you due to the astronomically high expectations everyone sets up, knowing damn well it will never reach those expectations.

Sincerely,
Tristen

Dear Tristen,
Angst ridden posts based on nothing to express nothing will obviously accomplish nothing.

Sincerely,
Captain Obvious

Well you would know. =P

=D Of course! Only way to be honest and educated about something is to have experienced itself.

 

[Furioso]

Dear Corpses of Skyrim

You are dead and there is no way my arrows are embedded that deeply within your face that i should be unable to retrieve them. in short: release my arrows, they are quite expensive.

Sincerely,
Risa

P.S: please stay dead, i dont want to lose anymore arrows through those oblivion gates you call eye sockets.

I'm pretty sure that has to do with the chance that the arrow head could break on contact with bones or skull, rendering it useless

 

[pspman45]

Dear Skyrim,

I was exploring your beautiful mountain range when I got trololololed by two dragons and a frost troll

I was fine, but I found the whole experience overall inconvenient, as I was almost over encumbered before I left the Dungeon, and 150 pounds of dragon crap is hard to make space for
please give me more carrying capacity, as 500 is not enough as of now

Sincerely,
Bal-Shik: Argonian Assassin