Letters to Skyrim

[TheLastSamurai14]

Dear Skyrim,

I admit it, I'm the one that keeps stealing your books. I can't help it, I crave knowledge. I will repay all afflicted parties as soon as I can come up with the funds.

That, or I'll shower you all with arrows. I'll have to think on that.

Sincerely,
Vayne Highwind, the Dunmer "Librarian"

P.S. I have a habit of stabbing the authorities in the legs with a dagger. Don't try to apprehend me, or you'll get some cool looking scars that are sure to impress your friends.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Skyrim;

The tolerance and accomodation offered by your natives reached creepy levels at the point when I realised there is only one tradesman-type-profession who will not happily surrender their own sensitive apparatus and equipment to an armour-wearing amateur who kicks them off their shit.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Skyrim's miners;

Please let me kick you off your shit.
Thank you.

Sincerely: A grizzly Dunmer.

Dear Thalmor

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it and it was a hurtful thing to do. It's just that you're all pious arseholes with a strangehold on my family's beloved empire and my preceding actions have caused you now all to attack me on sight, an action my maniacal fire mage blood compels me to reciprocate.

Love Dontincludemypeopleinyourracism (A grizzly Dunmer)

 

[RuralGamer]

Dear Skyrim

Why did my admission ticket arrive so soon before the start of my exams? And is there any basis in these wicked rumours I will be arrested for no good reason and threatened with beheading, only to be rescued by a dragon showing up and burning everyone.

I will arrive soon once my studies have concluded for a well earned break and I hope to find this not so.

Sincerely, a student

 

[Donnie Restad]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to call your attention to the dire straits of your education system. During my visit, I could find little to no evidence of formal education among the youth of your cities. Most of their time was spent lounging about and being disrespectful of their elders. I understand that your communities value the quiet life of rural farming, but quite frankly something must be done! Evidence of this lack of formal education is expressed quite acutely in the atrocious understanding of supply and demand economics displayed by your local merchants as well as the rampant superstition among the average townsfolk.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to visit a venue of higher education in your fine country. Apparently, it is the ONLY venue of higher education, as it has adopted the delightfully singular title of "The College". I was most distressed at the state I found your institution of learning. While I appreciate that they have a nominal entrance examination, the college itself appears to be more of a flophouse than university. Nine students in a snowy mountain castle are more fitting for the set of a poor quality horror movie than an ivory tower. Additionally, the tenure process is shady at best. While I had initially feared a rousing game of "spin the bottle" would determine placement, it instead turned out to be a scavenger hunt. I myself managed to become arch-mage within mere days of my initial visit, an honor bestowed I suspect more due to my tolerance of long walks than a particular magical aptitude.

I would propose an organized and intentional government indoctrination program regarding the benefits of education, both basic and higher. Perhaps that would remove some of the urchins from the streets and discourage local authority figures from referring to me as "that mage" from "that college" - apologies, "the college".

With Warmest Regards,

Arch-Mage

Dear Arch-Mage

We in Solitude feel wholly offended that you seem to have overlooked another entirely legitimate college on the other side of the map. Yes, our entrance requirements are crap, but that's just because there's no system of primary education in this desolate, barren, northern wasteland.

Sincerely, the Bard's College



Dear Mammoths

How is it that you are not extinct? It's a cold, mountainous region, not the bloody Ice Age

Sincerely, a casual paleontologist



Dear Jarls

Regardless of who is right in your silly civil war, I think both sides really have to face a bitter truth: THERE ARE MORE BANDITS IN THIS BLOODY COUNTRY THAN LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS! I understand it must be very warm to have your head shoved so far up your ass, but when the majority of your people have taken to defecting BOTH the law AND the rebellion, I think a change of priorities is in order. Oh, wait, nevermind. I think I just killed them all.

Sincerely, the man who just saved absolutely everyone. Again.

 

[Retal19]

Dear Skyrim,
Please, please, no more Sabre Cats.
Love, The Wolfe Twins.
P.s. We would love if there was a law against Marrying while Drunk, and against Marrying Hagravens and similar Wild Fauna. It would have saved us a lot of bother.

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Skyrim,

I recently found a calm, cool barrow with a ready access to those delicious bandits you keep providing us with. As a good mother spider, I webbed it up and layed my eggs.
But suddenly, and without provocation, I might add, I was rudely interrupted by a furry little vandal right as I hoisted myself down for dinner. That delinquent proceeded to set me ablaze and beat me senseless with his mace, leaving me for dead while he took my babies, set the dinner free and booked it.

Now I'm alone, beaten and singed, and I have to web all those tunnels back up and hope some new bandits move on in. Do you know that we, Arachnida Gigantus Horriblia, are an endangered species?! I expect the Khajiit to face a very hefty fine in the future, or the next brood I lay will be in your bed.

Sincerely, Mrs. Frostbite Spider.

 

[Riddle78]

Dear Skyrim,

I have recently galivanted off with thirty pounds of very valuable Malachite from an active mine within your borders,with no reprecussions. Since this ore is used to make high quality weapons and light armour,I'm surprised that a security detail wasn't assigned to me upon entry,and they didn't confiscate the Malachite as I mined it. Quite frankly,I'm stupefied at this flagrant misstep in common sense in regards to the security of your mines. I recently pulled an identical stunt in a Corundum mine. You may wish to revise your security protocols.

Regards,A Larcenous Miner.

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Skyrim,

If I'm ever walking around one of your wooded areas and I see the Slenderman, I WILL find a way to nuke your world into Oblivion.

Sincerely,
I Really Shouldn't Watch Marble Hornets When I'm Tired

P.S. Don't really worry about the nuking, I'll probably have a heart attack and die if I see it.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Dungeon cleanup and threat-entropy maintainence service (Skyrim branch);

I know you exist. I'm not mad. I just wondered how you manage to do it all so quickly? I mean, with the number of idle bandits sitting around in Skyrim hiring them to replace the scum and villainy inhabiting a cleared cave shouldn't be too difficult, but where do you source your flammable oil? And isn't replacing all the valuable loot (gemstones and superweapons included) expensive? Where do you get your funds? And all this done in the space of (in some cases) twenty minutes, with no evidence you have ever been there, save the presence of your work in the newly revitalised dungeon.

P.S. Is your leader an Altmer? I know about the Dunmer Twins in charge of callouts, but just wondering.

Sincerely;

A concerned adventurer.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Skyrim,

Give us the Creation kit already, pretty please ?

- A Mod-starved citizen

Dear Mod-starved citizen

Sorry, we can't. It doesn't work. We've already stated that the Creation Kit takes exception to the way the game loads textures (improperly) and crashes. We would like to solve this issue, but obviously it's not going to make a blind bit of difference until we fix some of the game, and really we'd rather just have pillow fights with our huge sacks of money.

-Bethesda Softworks

 

[White-Death]

Dear Skyrim,

I was taking a walk beside a dangerous cliff, Murdering women & children when this lunatic covered in the bones of a dragon comes & shouts me & my friends off the cliff.
Please kill him,and all other races except Altmer.
Sincerely,The Thalmor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Skyrim,

I was just minding my own business when a bunch of snooty high elves come and try to kill me, something to do with worshiping my Hero(Talos) or something, So i killed them all, impaled them, disemboweled them, cut off their heads and paraded their remains around a town then afterwards sent the remains to their family & friends. Now every single altmer is out to get me, so i just do the same.
This,saldy, results in half of skyrim wanting me dead.
Please send more thalmor to kill.

-Dovakihn

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

 

[0986875533423]

Dear Concerned Adventurer.

The Altmer Dungeoun Cleanup-detail is an utter fabrication. What you see is truly the hard work carried out by dedicated spiders everywhere. It's both very expensive and difficult, but we do it for the good of all.
For instance, how would a dungeon with no loot possibly be inviting to random dinne... Adventurers and bandits? They just don't wander in by themselves, you know. As you must have noticed, the entire economy of Skyrim hinges entirely on the constant revitalisation of her deep, dank dungeons. Without random adventurers keeping the local economies stimulated, then Skyrim would surely collapse into unemployment and poverty.
And that would mean an end to bandits and treasure hunters with no sense of self-perservation (or possible intoxication), which means we will starve.

Our hard work benefits all. So the next time you open an urn to find that it's been refilled with gold, gift a thought to your friendly neighbourhood spider.

Sincerely, Mrs Frostbite Spider, chairman of Spiders for Skyrim.

Dear Mr Altmer President,

You're not fooling anyone with that ridiculous costume. We knew that junk was dumb and you should too.

Sincerely;

Children of Riverwood.

 

[Edible Avatar]

dear skyrim,

If A well-built rogue proceeds to put a bucket on your head, please be sure that no personal belongings are missing after you remove said bucket. Numerous hijinks have occured through these so called "bukkit heists", so it is up to you to remain vigilant and keep your noggin bucket-free.

Yours,
The Whiterun guard association

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Children of Riverwood.

I am impressed that you are more perceptive than your parents are. Tell me, won't you consider singing up for service for the Elven Enclave? I will reward you dearly for whatever information you might have on illegal Talos-worship.

Remember, Elven candy is... In a league of its own. Join me, and I shall bestow upon you more candy than you can possibly ever eat!

Sincerely, your President, John Henry Eden, singing off.

 

[Da Orky Man]

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

As useful as your Insta-Travel service is, I often find that only my corpse ever reaches my destination safely. Now, call me frugal, but I consider my soul to be just a bit more valuable than my items. I would appreciate it if you could ensure I survive your otherwise flawless service.

Yours Sincerley,
A very bruised Breton.

 

[Torrasque]

Dear Skyrim,

What the fuck is up with your Dark Brotherhood?!
I leave for a few hundred years and the whole thing goes to shit.

Love,
The Listener

P.S. that "little girl" was delicious

 

[ZeroMachine]

Dear Giants of Skyrim,

Lay off the steroids.

Sincerely,
I Can See My House (In Cyrodil) From Here

P.S.

 

[scw55]

Dear Skyrim,
I have been made thane of this city. Been granted the right to

Spoiler

trap a dragon in it's Jarl's hall

. Why am I now assaulting it and massacring it as part of the Civil War?

Much love
Cathod the Were-wolf Kitty in Full Dragonscale Armour with a bow aimed at your head.

 

[Captain Pirate]

Dear Skyrim,
Why is your population so aggressive?!

I was just travelling around one day, looking at mountains and stuff, taking in the beautiful views, minding my own business harming nobody when some prick starts shooting arrows and shouting at me!

So I try and ignore him, do the mature thing, but he's a persistent guy, and one of the arrows hits me, so naturally I take it upon myself to come over and tell him to finally 'Fuck off', but he keeps shooting arrows!
With that, I took it upon myself to simply leave.
The manners of Nords these days...

Sincerely, a Dragon.


Seriously, I was saw a dragon casually just flying above Windhelm, not bothering anything, and naturally tried to shoot it down, but it ignored me and flew away! Just found it quite funny; maybe I was in the wrong there...