Dear Skyrim,
Why must you get rid of me when I try to resume my tale?
Sincerely
*******
Dammit, not again!
Why must you get rid of me when I try to resume my tale?
Sincerely
*******
Dammit, not again!
Letters to Skyrim
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Dear Jarls of Skyrim
I am writing to you all as a concerned guardsman of Dawnstar. I feel that the security of our prisons is not up to standard. Sure they are good a keeping a few drunken braggarts lock up overnight as they sober up but the recent prison breaks that have happened all over Skyrim proves that a serious upgrade in prison security is needed, especially as all the breaks where committed by the same individual.
Our first contact with this criminal was here in Dawnstar where the suspect had assaulted a traveller and stolen his horse. The suspect was quickly spotted by one of our alert guards as he come into town and was promptly arrested. The arrest was simple enough the assailant was unarmed when brought in but we still stripped of his belongings and through him in a cell with a guard standing watch, with the rest of us where in the barracks up stair; an escape seemed impossilbe, or so we thought. Awhile past when we heard a loud crash in the jail and the sound of someone shouting really loudly. As we got up to investigate the prisoner came through the door. Seeing this me and my fellow guards drew our swords, but no sooner had we done this, we all came over with sudden feeling of inner peace and a loss of all desire to fight. We could do nothing but stand there and watch the prisoner slowly get dressed back into his clothes, give me a cheeky wink and walk out the front door to freedom.
Since this incident we have heard of similar breaks by this individual elsewhere in Skyrim and it seems we here in Dawnstar where very lucky as his escape have become increasingly violent. I need not remind you of the break in Riften where two broadsword wielding Daedra appeared out of thin air and horrifically slaughtered most of guards while the prisoner escaped. Or of the break in Whiterun where most of the guards where more concerned with killing each other than stopping the prisoner. Clearly we need better methods of detaining magic users in our prisons. I advise the Jarls to consider consulting their court wizards to see if we can enchant some bracings or feed prisoners some sort of potion to stop prevent them from using magic, otherwise criminals like this one will be using our guards as target practice for years to come.
Yours Faithfully
Head Guard of Dawnstar
I am writing to you all as a concerned guardsman of Dawnstar. I feel that the security of our prisons is not up to standard. Sure they are good a keeping a few drunken braggarts lock up overnight as they sober up but the recent prison breaks that have happened all over Skyrim proves that a serious upgrade in prison security is needed, especially as all the breaks where committed by the same individual.
Our first contact with this criminal was here in Dawnstar where the suspect had assaulted a traveller and stolen his horse. The suspect was quickly spotted by one of our alert guards as he come into town and was promptly arrested. The arrest was simple enough the assailant was unarmed when brought in but we still stripped of his belongings and through him in a cell with a guard standing watch, with the rest of us where in the barracks up stair; an escape seemed impossilbe, or so we thought. Awhile past when we heard a loud crash in the jail and the sound of someone shouting really loudly. As we got up to investigate the prisoner came through the door. Seeing this me and my fellow guards drew our swords, but no sooner had we done this, we all came over with sudden feeling of inner peace and a loss of all desire to fight. We could do nothing but stand there and watch the prisoner slowly get dressed back into his clothes, give me a cheeky wink and walk out the front door to freedom.
Since this incident we have heard of similar breaks by this individual elsewhere in Skyrim and it seems we here in Dawnstar where very lucky as his escape have become increasingly violent. I need not remind you of the break in Riften where two broadsword wielding Daedra appeared out of thin air and horrifically slaughtered most of guards while the prisoner escaped. Or of the break in Whiterun where most of the guards where more concerned with killing each other than stopping the prisoner. Clearly we need better methods of detaining magic users in our prisons. I advise the Jarls to consider consulting their court wizards to see if we can enchant some bracings or feed prisoners some sort of potion to stop prevent them from using magic, otherwise criminals like this one will be using our guards as target practice for years to come.
Yours Faithfully
Head Guard of Dawnstar
Skyrim. A land with 5 minute weddings and no divorces. No wonder everyones so miserable.Saggingcow said:
Dear Skyrim,
Please do something about these dragon priests, sprinting for my life across half of skyrim with fire being blasted at my heels has insofar been an unpleasant experience. I reccomend sealing coffins much tighter, in fact why even make them re oppenable at all? Do you WANT things to be able to climb out? Please instate a guild for coffin sealers and get them on the job.
Thanks in advanced
Nier Nierson, very scorched elf ranger.
Dear Skyrim,
Why can't I disenchant mannequins to get the 100% chameleon spell that is seemingly applied to every item of apparel placed on them?
Sincerely,
Manleigh Aledrinker, Archmage
Why can't I disenchant mannequins to get the 100% chameleon spell that is seemingly applied to every item of apparel placed on them?
Sincerely,
Manleigh Aledrinker, Archmage
Dear people of Skyrim,
I'm the Thane of Riften, Falkreath, Whiterun and Morthal and some other provinces that I forgot how to spell.
I'm the Harbinger of the Companions and the Archmage of the only college of Skyrim.
I've collected any bounty someone offered me thus far, I killed every bandit from Riften to Solitude, I helped every farmer and every priest and every craftsmen I found on the way.
I killed more dragons than you average laymen can count.
I even joined the military and have been promoted to an officer rank recently.
So please show some goddamn respect when you see me.
I'm not expecting you to kneel down or something, but these offending insults don't really help your cause.
Try not to act tough, because I can see through your disguise rather easily.
You were never an adventurer like me, no matter how many arrows you got in your knee.
I won't conjure you up a warm bed, unless you are good looking, female and have nothing against a latest installment of the nude mod.
I won't brew you an ale even if you are more attractive afterwards.
And no I won't fetch mead only because the Headquarter of the companions is a Meadhall.
And please take you obnoxious children home and give them a sound beating before I install the child killing and necrophilia mod and Fus Roh da them through Whiterun.
Sincerly
Me
I'm the Thane of Riften, Falkreath, Whiterun and Morthal and some other provinces that I forgot how to spell.
I'm the Harbinger of the Companions and the Archmage of the only college of Skyrim.
I've collected any bounty someone offered me thus far, I killed every bandit from Riften to Solitude, I helped every farmer and every priest and every craftsmen I found on the way.
I killed more dragons than you average laymen can count.
I even joined the military and have been promoted to an officer rank recently.
So please show some goddamn respect when you see me.
I'm not expecting you to kneel down or something, but these offending insults don't really help your cause.
Try not to act tough, because I can see through your disguise rather easily.
You were never an adventurer like me, no matter how many arrows you got in your knee.
I won't conjure you up a warm bed, unless you are good looking, female and have nothing against a latest installment of the nude mod.
I won't brew you an ale even if you are more attractive afterwards.
And no I won't fetch mead only because the Headquarter of the companions is a Meadhall.
And please take you obnoxious children home and give them a sound beating before I install the child killing and necrophilia mod and Fus Roh da them through Whiterun.
Sincerly
Me
Dear Skyrim,
What was that, Guard? Me? Nahh, I don't look familiar, I'm new to Skyr-...hm? I was the last person to what? The Gourmet? No, I didn't know the Emperor is in Skyrim...how lovely..
I will shoot you in the knee if you keep looking at me like that.
Regards,
Adellabella, Listener
What was that, Guard? Me? Nahh, I don't look familiar, I'm new to Skyr-...hm? I was the last person to what? The Gourmet? No, I didn't know the Emperor is in Skyrim...how lovely..
I will shoot you in the knee if you keep looking at me like that.
Regards,
Adellabella, Listener
Dear Skyrim,
I am worried about my wife in Riften. She's a lovely girl and I enjoy the income I get from her little shop but I'm worried she'll find out about my love for another...
You see, my true love is Lydia, my constant companion and battle partner. Lydia has been fighting by my side for weeks now and I've grown to love her dearly. I've even become accustomed to her frequent sarcasm when I ask her to do something for me.
I'm concerned that if my wife finds out I'm having an affair, she'll divorce me. What do you think I should do?
Yours sincerely
Ratters the Dragonslayer
I am worried about my wife in Riften. She's a lovely girl and I enjoy the income I get from her little shop but I'm worried she'll find out about my love for another...
You see, my true love is Lydia, my constant companion and battle partner. Lydia has been fighting by my side for weeks now and I've grown to love her dearly. I've even become accustomed to her frequent sarcasm when I ask her to do something for me.
I'm concerned that if my wife finds out I'm having an affair, she'll divorce me. What do you think I should do?
Yours sincerely
Ratters the Dragonslayer
To Whom It May Concern,
I am eternally sorry for what happened. If you came here expecting to find an orc willing to sell you something called ?skooma? or something else, you will be greatly disappointed. While I was on my way up to High Hrothgar, the pig-headed dolt kept talking to me in circles about what he was willing to offer. At first, I thought he was some sort of sex worker looking to get rough and tumble in some bushes nearby. I don?t swing axes that direction, so I may have appeared standoffish. Then, he told me he was into selling some sort of weird drink. Having heard about the ?mixed drinks? made in Winterhold College, I was leery what this orc could have been up to.
Unsure of what ?product? he was rambling on about, and frightened he was looking for a lonely hook-up, I declined. The orc, as orcs are inclined to do I suppose, became defensive and militant. He couldn?t stand rejection and feared I may report him to authorities. In his frenzied irrationality, he tried to attack me. Terrible idea. Worst idea in his life.
In short, the orc?s dead, and I?ve got his skooma. If you want some, I?d be willing to hand it over gratis. My Dragonborn senses tell me that the orc might have micturated in his special batch to extend his production line. Otherwise, I would have tested some out on my housecarl Lydia to ?set the mood? while we?re on the trail. There?s fire under that armor of hers, and I like playing with fire.
Come find me, however, if you want the last of your drinks. Just don?t act like a trembling ninny.
~Cornelius G. Thundercock
lettersfromskyrim.wordpress.com
I am eternally sorry for what happened. If you came here expecting to find an orc willing to sell you something called ?skooma? or something else, you will be greatly disappointed. While I was on my way up to High Hrothgar, the pig-headed dolt kept talking to me in circles about what he was willing to offer. At first, I thought he was some sort of sex worker looking to get rough and tumble in some bushes nearby. I don?t swing axes that direction, so I may have appeared standoffish. Then, he told me he was into selling some sort of weird drink. Having heard about the ?mixed drinks? made in Winterhold College, I was leery what this orc could have been up to.
Unsure of what ?product? he was rambling on about, and frightened he was looking for a lonely hook-up, I declined. The orc, as orcs are inclined to do I suppose, became defensive and militant. He couldn?t stand rejection and feared I may report him to authorities. In his frenzied irrationality, he tried to attack me. Terrible idea. Worst idea in his life.
In short, the orc?s dead, and I?ve got his skooma. If you want some, I?d be willing to hand it over gratis. My Dragonborn senses tell me that the orc might have micturated in his special batch to extend his production line. Otherwise, I would have tested some out on my housecarl Lydia to ?set the mood? while we?re on the trail. There?s fire under that armor of hers, and I like playing with fire.
Come find me, however, if you want the last of your drinks. Just don?t act like a trembling ninny.
~Cornelius G. Thundercock
lettersfromskyrim.wordpress.com
Dear Skyrim
Every time I wipe out a pack of bandits another one crops up three days later. You have an army of undead warriors that rival even me in strength lying right beneath you, there are countless Dwemer automatons that seek to kill me, I have encountered several dragon priests that could kill me without even trying, I have also encountered witches, vampires, necromancers, even relics of the princes within your lands. How can you waste your men and resources on a petty civil war when an army of creatures large enough to overwhelm all you you dwells within your boarders!?
Every time I wipe out a pack of bandits another one crops up three days later. You have an army of undead warriors that rival even me in strength lying right beneath you, there are countless Dwemer automatons that seek to kill me, I have encountered several dragon priests that could kill me without even trying, I have also encountered witches, vampires, necromancers, even relics of the princes within your lands. How can you waste your men and resources on a petty civil war when an army of creatures large enough to overwhelm all you you dwells within your boarders!?
Dear Al-Du-In,
We here in Sovngarde have taken a petition, and it is unanimously agreed: We would very much like you to stop eating our souls. Honestly, we're the good people, that's why we're here and not in Oblivion getting eaten by Dremora.
Now, we would like to make note, we're not complaining or trying to tell you off. In fact, quite the opposite. It is also unanimously agreed throughout Sovngarde that we should provide you with a suitable alternative. To that effect, I should write to inform you that directly adjacent to this wonderful realm of ours lie the hunting grounds of the Daedric Lord Hircine. To be certain, you, Alduin, immortal world-eater, are far more powerful than he, and we believe that his soul and those under his charge would be a far preferable choice for you to consume. The evil souls of Daedric champions are, after all, quite powerful and would prove most nourishing for you. And besides, we're good, they're evil. Better them than us.
Thank you, son of Akatosh, for your kind consideration.
Sincerely,
Ysgramor
We here in Sovngarde have taken a petition, and it is unanimously agreed: We would very much like you to stop eating our souls. Honestly, we're the good people, that's why we're here and not in Oblivion getting eaten by Dremora.
Now, we would like to make note, we're not complaining or trying to tell you off. In fact, quite the opposite. It is also unanimously agreed throughout Sovngarde that we should provide you with a suitable alternative. To that effect, I should write to inform you that directly adjacent to this wonderful realm of ours lie the hunting grounds of the Daedric Lord Hircine. To be certain, you, Alduin, immortal world-eater, are far more powerful than he, and we believe that his soul and those under his charge would be a far preferable choice for you to consume. The evil souls of Daedric champions are, after all, quite powerful and would prove most nourishing for you. And besides, we're good, they're evil. Better them than us.
Thank you, son of Akatosh, for your kind consideration.
Sincerely,
Ysgramor
Dear Skyrim,
During my time in your fine land it has become apparent that your education system is incredibly lacking and more opportunities for gainful employment are greatly needed as the number of your citizens that have taken up banditry is quite frankly alarming.
It would also seem that your people are somewhat lacking in self esteem, as I was able to marry a very nice young lady after simply donning a necklace and doing her one very minimal favour. Furthermore, your country seems to be a favoured spot of the evil gods of oblivion to communicate with passers by and hand out their weapons to them. Surely this matter warrants some investigation.
Lastly, there is one specific child in Whiterun whose case concerns me. She informed me on several occasions that she is forced to toil alongside her mother selling fruit and vegetables. While she admits to enjoying her work, she claims that said work is hard. A reform in child labour laws is clearly needed here.
Sincerely yours,
A concerned Dunmer.
P.S. While writing this letter I was accosted by a Khajiit who attempted to sell me Skooma. I was forced to render him unconscious and confiscate this harmful substance. The guards should be clamping down on the sale of addictive drugs instead of pestering me, the Arch-mage of the college of Winterhold to enchant their swords. If these men claim their weapons are incapable of cutting butter, a larger security allowance is required.
During my time in your fine land it has become apparent that your education system is incredibly lacking and more opportunities for gainful employment are greatly needed as the number of your citizens that have taken up banditry is quite frankly alarming.
It would also seem that your people are somewhat lacking in self esteem, as I was able to marry a very nice young lady after simply donning a necklace and doing her one very minimal favour. Furthermore, your country seems to be a favoured spot of the evil gods of oblivion to communicate with passers by and hand out their weapons to them. Surely this matter warrants some investigation.
Lastly, there is one specific child in Whiterun whose case concerns me. She informed me on several occasions that she is forced to toil alongside her mother selling fruit and vegetables. While she admits to enjoying her work, she claims that said work is hard. A reform in child labour laws is clearly needed here.
Sincerely yours,
A concerned Dunmer.
P.S. While writing this letter I was accosted by a Khajiit who attempted to sell me Skooma. I was forced to render him unconscious and confiscate this harmful substance. The guards should be clamping down on the sale of addictive drugs instead of pestering me, the Arch-mage of the college of Winterhold to enchant their swords. If these men claim their weapons are incapable of cutting butter, a larger security allowance is required.