Letting go.

[mip0]

If I remember correctly, narcissism is a problem in this community. Therefore, I want to warn whoever's reading that I will (continue to) speak about myself. I do think many will be able to relate and perhaps gain something from discussing the topic that I am about to present.

Sometimes people question me as a person or my abilities. They do it with an evil smile and are themselves very focused on prestige and performance. It usually ends without a fuss because I have no trouble saying that I am a bad person and that I suck. Here's the weird thing: Even if I can say these things, I feel ashamed and don't know what to do with myself when some people look me in the eyes with disappointment. Their look contains a sigh and a phrase that I can't quite translate, "Skärp dig!", meaning something like "Get a grip!"/"Get it together!"/"Stop being such a no-gooder!". These are people who at least say that they try to be good people; To be kind and proper, doing what one is supposed to do. How can they make me feel ashamed when I'm not even trying? How can they make me feel ashamed when, to me, there is no point in trying? This frustrates me to no end.

I'm really looking forward to read about your thoughts on this.

EDIT: Even if this isn't a support forum, the thread could be marked as solved.
The shortest satisfactory answers were perhaps the following:

If you really have let go and are comfortable and content being a so called 'bad person' (I'm not saying you are, that just seems to be what you identify as) then you shouldn't be bothered when people look down on you. In my experience bad people couldn't care less about the opinions of others, they're largely indifferent.

If you're concerned by this kind of thing, then you can't be as far-gone as you say. I guess you could work to better yourself and earn the respect of others, you you could just be consumed by apathy. Neither option is very appealing.

(...)
Have you considered that perhaps a social bit of your brain is trying to build rapport with these people - and its those bits making you feel ashamed for failing to impress the people and build a relationship - meanwhile there are other (contradictory) bits that don't care. It could be you aren't consciously aware of the "rapport-building" thing your brain is doing until you feel ashamed. Remember that the brain is doing all kinds of stuff sometimes unconsciously and sometimes consciously, and that a lot of stuff is 'hard-wired' in thanks to millions of years of evolution such as the drive people have to build relationships with other people (and therefore increase one's [genes'] survivability.)

Look up the 'modular theory of mind' for more
(...)

However, this thread provided me with much more than an answer to my original question. Some people helped me in dealing with (what they and I consider to be) the underlying problem. I would be missing the point if I felt the need of stating their names in a large bravado, for they are not people who seek the acknowledgement of strangers. They have mine, though, and my gratitude. Who they are becomes obvious if one reads the posts below.

I was wondering if I should let go of reality. If I should stop caring about the world around me because of the expectations, the pressure. Funny how I should find the answers at the escapist. It sounds like a place full of people who do not resist letting go. Of course, it should also be a place with people who have thought a lot about the subject of letting go (and holding on). Maybe I'm being over-dramatic. I don't care, I'm just typing what I feel like typing. If I edit this again, then it will not be to make things less dramatic, but to remove these last three sentences, in which I explain myself.

 

[dlharp2]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was striving to be a Braillist and got stuck on lesson 28 of the certification. By stuck, I mean STUCK. So, I took the advise of one of my teachers and made it my own. So, I looked to the stars and started reading them in Braille, naturally. Next thing I knew, I was making music out of the stars.

 

[Tiger King]

I've always found that attitude strange. you know, the one where somebody looks down on another person because they made a mistake/didn't know something.
Instead of standing there gloating or taking the piss or heaping scorn upon that person, why not, you know....help them?

show them where they are going wrong, teach them tips, give advice.
no no lets just stand there and look down on someone so we can feel big and clever, yep that's very productive.

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

If you really have let go and are comfortable and content being a so called 'bad person' (I'm not saying you are, that just seems to be what you identify as) then you shouldn't be bothered when people look down on you. In my experience bad people couldn't care less about the opinions of others, they're largely indifferent.

If you're concerned by this kind of thing, then you can't be as far-gone as you say. I guess you could work to better yourself and earn the respect of others, you you could just be consumed by apathy. Neither option is very appealing.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. The term "nobody is perfect" is apt because we're all destined to make mistakes, no matter how smart or "lucky" we are in life. The ability to objectively look at one's own faults and take steps to correct them (which includes asking advice) is rare and powerful. Part of taking such steps is to know when you don't have the knowledge, strength or perspective to do so on your own. Thats also known as asking for help or an outsider's perspective.
What gets me is the gaming community has a solid part that thinks everyone asking for any shred of help is "too stupid to google" or "has no skill" or tons of other inane and (agreeing with the OP) narcissistic responses. I'm sure most folks are aware that "google" is a thing, having pervaded language as a verb, and the "lack of skill" is probably the reason for them asking for help. If you've nothing positive to add to the conversation (snarky rebuttals aren't constructive criticism) then you obviously don't want to help and thus aren't adding anything to the conversation except your own need to be noticed.
Feels like there's 1000 Yahtzee clones running about, jaw-jacking with witless abandon, not realizing they're patterning themselves after a character. Good god I get a lot of shit for being a wrestling fan but at least I know that the "bad guy" wrestlers are characters and not indicative of the performer's real life person.
I don't ask you folks to be nice, but at least evaluate whether or not your posts add value to the conversation.

I watch a lot of Always Sunny in Philadelphia which is a great show. The characters are a bunch of narcissists who're so self absorbed they're unaware of anyone else's lives unless it directly pertains to them. And if not, then they insert themselves into that life without care of the total upheaval their presence causes nor the fallout of their wake. I see this happen in the gaming community and its just sick, whether its MMO's or MOBA's and their "l2p n00b" factions or the trolls.

I know they'll always be around but I pity them and their petty existences, so hollow and filled with no real connections.

Malevolent joy is not true joy, but akin to heroin induced bliss. It may seem real, but reality comes back eventually and all you're left with is what you don't have and what you wasted for a few moments of fleeting pleasure.

 

[lacktheknack]

This thread is really surreal, but I can't put my finger on why...

Also, narcissism hasn't been an issue on this site in years.

Anyway, people are as people are. If they think that people should be as "good" as them, then they'll think that. Maybe they're right, and you should consider that. It certainly beats self-loathing.

 

[mip0]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was striving to be a Braillist and got stuck on lesson 28 of the certification. By stuck, I mean STUCK. So, I took the advise of one of my teachers and made it my own. So, I looked to the stars and started reading them in Braille, naturally. Next thing I knew, I was making music out of the stars.

You're quite good at that. If I ever gave you a present, it would be clothes to make you look like you worked for the local government. That way you could walk around cities or towns, making the best out of peoples respect for your authority by:
* Saying things like "Excuse me, folks, but would you mind moving to another bench? I have been assigned to move this bench. Please don't ask me why, it's just my job.".
or
* Closing off a small street, claiming that "The manhole in this street will be used for examination of the sewers. Therefore, the street will be closed for at least 10 hours. You'll simple have to walk around it.".
or
* Painting markings on the asphalt that look very important. Try to seem very bothered by your task so that people will accept the inconvenience of you being in the way.
or
* Get some of those clothes for a friend as well, hire a pickup truck and see if you can find some smaller statue to drive off with. When people around you become upset, just shrug and say: "Yeah, I know, I know, it's ridiculous. Those crazy bastards wont pay me if I don't do as I'm told, though. Sorry!".

 

[mip0]

I've always found that attitude strange. you know, the one where somebody looks down on another person because they made a mistake/didn't know something.
Instead of standing there gloating or taking the piss or heaping scorn upon that person, why not, you know....help them?

show them where they are going wrong, teach them tips, give advice.
no no lets just stand there and look down on someone so we can feel big and clever, yep that's very productive.

And they never say anything. There's just that look. They expect me, or whoever it may be, to know exactly what I've done wrong and in what way they want me to change. Why do I feel like a child when I say this? Why can't I just laugh at them?

 

[mip0]

If you really have let go and are comfortable and content being a so called 'bad person' (I'm not saying you are, that just seems to be what you identify as) then you shouldn't be bothered when people look down on you. In my experience bad people couldn't care less about the opinions of others, they're largely indifferent.

If you're concerned by this kind of thing, then you can't be as far-gone as you say. I guess you could work to better yourself and earn the respect of others, you you could just be consumed by apathy. Neither option is very appealing.

Not as far-gone as I say I am? I guess so, thank you, although now it seems as if I was fishing for that compliment from the very beginning. Why do I consider it a compliment? I have never studied philosophy but now I can't see the point either, because even if we reach conclusions about these kinds of things, it seems our subconscious won't listen to us and we'll never change. There are things deeply rooted in us from our youth. I guess philosophy is mostly used in figuring out how we should raise our kids. And also in deciding what laws we should have, and what the punishment should be for breaking them.

Now it's time for excuses and apologies. That's enough.

What do you mean by "Neither option is very appealing.". I know you mean that neither option is very appealing to you, but I'd like to know if you've found any other, appealing, option. What have you chosen?

Time to explain myself. Satisfied.

 

[mip0]

First: Thank you for such an interesting reply. I agree with you on a lot of things about the community. Now:

YOU!

(... (It was a long comment and I do not need all of it right here. It's in the 5th post of this thread.))

I know they'll always be around but I pity them and their petty existences, so hollow and filled with no real connections.

Malevolent joy is not true joy, but akin to heroin induced bliss. It may seem real, but reality comes back eventually and all you're left with is what you don't have and what you wasted for a few moments of fleeting pleasure.

YOU seem to be one of those who could give me that look.
"petty existences" here we go O.O
"not true joy" Jesus Christ!
Maybe you're just very good at these kinds of things. Maybe you've just thought about it a lot more than I have. Maybe you just reach conclusions faster, because you're smarter. Maybe you're just more experienced. It's probably a combination.
See, I don't usually have an opinion about anything. Until I know what I'm talking about. Until I'm good at it. Before that, it seems to me like nothing matters. So maybe there's nothing more to it - I'm just ignorant. Still, if I really think about it, then I'll even question my opinions about those things that I think I know something about. Isn't it like that for you too? Do you really think you know something about what true joy is and what it isn't? Isn't it just a question about WHEN?

"Bad things": Pleasure first. Pain follows as a consequence. (This pleasure is considered "not true".)
"Good things": Pain first. Pleasure follows as a reward. (This pleasure is considered "true".)

Lastly, I have to ask you: Are you the first-born in your family?

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

First: Thank you for such an interesting reply. I agree with you on a lot of things about the community. Now:

YOU!

(... (It was a long comment and I do not need all of it right here. It's in the 5th post of this thread.))

I know they'll always be around but I pity them and their petty existences, so hollow and filled with no real connections.

Malevolent joy is not true joy, but akin to heroin induced bliss. It may seem real, but reality comes back eventually and all you're left with is what you don't have and what you wasted for a few moments of fleeting pleasure.

YOU seem to be one of those who could give me that look.
"petty existences" here we go O.O
"not true joy" Jesus Christ!
Maybe you're just very good at these kinds of things. Maybe you've just thought about it a lot more than I have. Maybe you just reach conclusions faster, because you're smarter. Maybe you're just more experienced. It's probably a combination.
See, I don't usually have an opinion about anything. Until I know what I'm talking about. Until I'm good at it. Before that, it seems to me like nothing matters. So maybe there's nothing more to it - I'm just ignorant. Still, if I really think about it, then I'll even question my opinions about those things that I think I know something about. Isn't it like that for you too? Do you really think you know something about what true joy is and what it isn't? Isn't it just a question about WHEN?

"Bad things": Pleasure first. Pain follows as a consequence. (This pleasure is considered "not true".)
"Good things": Pain first. Pleasure follows as a reward. (This pleasure is considered "true".)

Lastly, I have to ask you: Are you the first-born in your family?

When one's only joy is the misery of others, then is it really joy or sickness masked with willful ignorance? I speak from personal experience, not from a lofty chair. I know what petty existence is, I've lived petty and I know it to be hollow and unfulfilling. And yes I pity folk who dwell there, because of how seductively easy it is to be petty.
We're all flawed, I judge people every day by what I see, despite wishing not to do so. Am I right on everything? No. But I know that adding misery and negativity does not breed happiness and joy, not even in oneself.
First born, only born. I really hope you aren't trying to box me in with a "you're one of those" arguments, I am one of those, but on many levels. As are we all "one of those" in some way shape or form. We can all be quantified, put on a stat sheet and lumped together, but then we're not a hivemind either.

On subject of pain, we learn from pain but its not always our only teaching tool. And sometimes we get rewarded even when we don't do things right. Life's full of confusing imagery and input and to whittle down the myriad pressures that form our lives into "pain" and "pleasure", it misses out on the nuances inherent in living. We don't always get reimbursed for our pains.

My only thing is that there are many forms of toxicity and one of which is malevolence, intent to harm or break down another person. It serves no purpose, breeds discord and distrust. I don't see any gray area where that can be positive.

 

[mip0]

This thread is really surreal, but I can't put my finger on why...

Also, narcissism hasn't been an issue on this site in years.

Anyway, people are as people are. If they think that people should be as "good" as them, then they'll think that. Maybe they're right, and you should consider that. It certainly beats self-loathing.

First of all, thanks for the reply!

Surreal? That's flattering

It hasn't? Oh, that's good to know, thank you!

It certainly bets self-loathing, huh? Are you sure? I tried being a good person once, for a year or so. It was really hard. Now-a-days I never really try hard in doing anything. Everything is fine or OK, nothing is fantastic or horrible. I can't motivate myself. I simply do not believe that there is anything anyone can do to change the total, net amount, of happiness they experience in their lives. Everything good has a back-side. There's always this cancellation. There's an expression for it in Swedish, that I often think about:
"plus, minus, noll" = "plus, minus, zero" (duh!)
It means to gain something and then lose the same amount, finding oneself back at zero. To me, it seems like it's always like this.

Maybe I'm just a spoiled white man. My life has been so comfortable for so long that I have forgotten how lucky I am.

 

[dlharp2]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was striving to be a Braillist and got stuck on lesson 28 of the certification. By stuck, I mean STUCK. So, I took the advise of one of my teachers and made it my own. So, I looked to the stars and started reading them in Braille, naturally. Next thing I knew, I was making music out of the stars.

You're quite good at that. If I ever gave you a present, it would be clothes to make you look like you worked for the local government. That way you could walk around cities or towns, making the best out of peoples respect for your authority by:
* Saying things like "Excuse me, folks, but would you mind moving to another bench? I have been assigned to move this bench. Please don't ask me why, it's just my job.".
or
* Closing off a small street, claiming that "The manhole in this street will be used for examination of the sewers. Therefore, the street will be closed for at least 10 hours. You'll simple have to walk around it.".
or
* Painting markings on the asphalt that look very important. Try to seem very bothered by your task so that people will accept the inconvenience of you being in the way.
or
* Get some of those clothes for a friend as well, hire a pickup truck and see if you can find some smaller statue to drive off with. When people around you become upset, just shrug and say: "Yeah, I know, I know, it's ridiculous. Those crazy bastards wont pay me if I don't do as I'm told, though. Sorry!".

I'll take 2~

 

[mip0]

(...)

When one's only joy is the misery of others, then is it really joy or sickness masked with willful ignorance? I speak from personal experience, not from a lofty chair. I know what petty existence is, I've lived petty and I know it to be hollow and unfulfilling. And yes I pity folk who dwell there, because of how seductively easy it is to be petty.
We're all flawed, I judge people every day by what I see, despite wishing not to do so. Am I right on everything? No. But I know that adding misery and negativity does not breed happiness and joy, not even in oneself.
First born, only born. I really hope you aren't trying to box me in with a "you're one of those" arguments, I am one of those, but on many levels. As are we all "one of those" in some way shape or form. We can all be quantified, put on a stat sheet and lumped together, but then we're not a hivemind either.

On subject of pain, we learn from pain but its not always our only teaching tool. And sometimes we get rewarded even when we don't do things right. Life's full of confusing imagery and input and to whittle down the myriad pressures that form our lives into "pain" and "pleasure", it misses out on the nuances inherent in living. We don't always get reimbursed for our pains.

My only thing is that there are many forms of toxicity and one of which is malevolence, intent to harm or break down another person. It serves no purpose, breeds discord and distrust. I don't see any gray area where that can be positive.

"When one's only joy is the misery of others, then is it really joy or sickness masked with willful ignorance?"
I don't quite understand how you define joy.
If I enjoy it, isn't it joy? Even if I'm mentally ill, and even if it requires willful ignorance; Isn't it joy?

I'm sorry, I wont pretend that I know you. I wont assume that you are in a certain way just because you have one thing in common (being the first born) with some other people that I do know. It's just that I've noticed that those who can give me that look, tend to be the first born in their respective families. I DO have a theory about this but I'll keep it for myself unless someone really wants to hear it.

"On subject of pain, we learn from pain but its not always our only teaching tool. And sometimes we get rewarded even when we don't do things right. Life's full of confusing imagery and input and to whittle down the myriad pressures that form our lives into 'pain' and 'pleasure', it misses out on the nuances inherent in living. We don't always get reimbursed for our pains."
I'm having trouble understanding the second last sentence. My vocabulary is too small. I think I get the other stuff, though.
The thing is, I REALLY DO think that we always get rewarded when we do things right. I REALLY DO think that we always get reimbursed for our pains. Even if it's really indirect and complicated a lot of the time. But I must be wrong. It's quite easy, in fact, to construct a counterexample, even though they have to be quite extreme in order to convince me:
Let's say a baby is born. Babies usually cry immediately after being born, right? So the baby is in pain. Now let's say the hospital is hit by a nuke, immediately killing everyone. Did the baby get reimbursed for the pain of being born? No.
Of course, I don't know how the baby was feeling while still in the womb but it doesn't matter because we can always consider an almost identical "setup" with the only difference being that the bomb hits a few seconds later and that the baby is happy during those seconds.

I'm starting to think that I'm just a spoiled white man, trying to make excuses. Still, I wont change until someone or something convinces me that it is possible to change the total, net amount, of happiness we experience in our lives. (By "net amount" I mean the sum of all happiness and unhappiness, counting unhappiness as negative happiness.)

Sorry for bothering you. I've got your opinion on malevolence, now I'd like to hear your opinion on all this other stuff.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

**snips**

I mean that life isn't going to balance anything out for us, we could get hurt, experience pain and never find recompense for it.
Babies cry, but is it pain or fear? We can't really say which is the reason a newborn cries, only that its a primal need to do so.
The only guaranteed reward for doing something right is the knowledge you did so.
No one is going to convince you to change, only give you enough perspective to take the steps yourself. I advise if you feel whatever you're doing in life is somehow feeling wrong, and can't put a finger on it, ask someone who knows you well and can trust to tell you the truth. A good friend is the one who isn't afraid to say "Dude, you're being an asshole" as well as when you're doing right. I'm not going to give finding friends advice though, just that humans aren't 100% independent beings. We rely on each other to make it in this world, and the more discord between us all, the weaker we are as a species. Again I say we're not a hivemind and having others around us is essential.
Once ego takes over and you no longer trust any opinion other than your own, then you've not the perspective to know whether you're right or wrong. You can't see yourself from an outsider's perspective, no matter how smart you are.
Sorry I get on tangents but I've been through so much introspection and still know I can't be trusted to say I'm always on the right path, and I have friends and family who will let me know when I stray from me.
I guess my view is that we become corrupt when we replace joy and happiness with just "pleasure" and expect rewards for our "pain", forget who we are and where we've come from, never ask for help or admit that we need it.
The real narcissism to me is thinking the world revolves around us and us alone (7 billion perspectives in the world and none of them do a thing to change the sun rising or setting).

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

If you really have let go and are comfortable and content being a so called 'bad person' (I'm not saying you are, that just seems to be what you identify as) then you shouldn't be bothered when people look down on you. In my experience bad people couldn't care less about the opinions of others, they're largely indifferent.

If you're concerned by this kind of thing, then you can't be as far-gone as you say. I guess you could work to better yourself and earn the respect of others, you you could just be consumed by apathy. Neither option is very appealing.

Not as far-gone as I say I am? I guess so, thank you, although now it seems as if I was fishing for that compliment from the very beginning. Why do I consider it a compliment? I have never studied philosophy but now I can't see the point either, because even if we reach conclusions about these kinds of things, it seems our subconscious won't listen to us and we'll never change. There are things deeply rooted in us from our youth. I guess philosophy is mostly used in figuring out how we should raise our kids. And also in deciding what laws we should have, and what the punishment should be for breaking them.

Now it's time for excuses and apologies. That's enough.

What do you mean by "Neither option is very appealing.". I know you mean that neither option is very appealing to you, but I'd like to know if you've found any other, appealing, option. What have you chosen?

Time to explain myself. Satisfied.

You weren't fishing for compliments, at least that's not how it came across to me, but you're welcome. I think philosophy serves many purposes, just because our ability to change ourselves are limited (that's my philosophical opinion) doesn't mean it's only good for law-making.

When I said neither seems appealing, naturally I was just talking from my point of view. No matter who you are, you can't please everyone. But I think I've struck a nice balance, the people I like seem to like me back and the people who don't I've managed to stop caring about that. Maybe you could do the same? We'll call it 'secret option 3'.

You don't seem like an unlikeable person, though I can't possibly know for sure, but I do have a hard time following you train of thought. Like that last statement, I don't know what you mean by that.

EDIT: Wait, let me scratch that. After reading through the entire thread, really all I see is you being sarcastic and vindictive towards the people who are trying to offer you advice. Which you asked for. How are you any different than the people you're condemning? If you were in front of me right now, I would be giving you the look of disapproval that you so fear.

 

[skywolfblue]

It certainly bets self-loathing, huh? Are you sure? I tried being a good person once, for a year or so. It was really hard. Now-a-days I never really try hard in doing anything. Everything is fine or OK, nothing is fantastic or horrible. I can't motivate myself. I simply do not believe that there is anything anyone can do to change the total, net amount, of happiness they experience in their lives. Everything good has a back-side. There's always this cancellation. There's an expression for it in Swedish, that I often think about:
"plus, minus, noll" = "plus, minus, zero" (duh!)
It means to gain something and then lose the same amount, finding oneself back at zero. To me, it seems like it's always like this.

...

I'm starting to think that I'm just a spoiled white man, trying to make excuses. Still, I wont change until someone or something convinces me that it is possible to change the total, net amount, of happiness we experience in our lives. (By "net amount" I mean the sum of all happiness and unhappiness, counting unhappiness as negative happiness.)

It's easy to be apathetic.
It's hard to be good.

But what does an apathetic person accomplish in life?

Perhaps this bothers you, because you need to look for something, your life may need to change.

You need to find a real purpose for your life, then you will find something more precious then "happiness", which comes and goes. "Joy" is something you can have even in the worst of life's circumstances. It cannot be stolen, only forgotten. Knowing that when the book of your life is written, you did the right thing, that is something no evil can take away.

 

[mip0]

(...)

(...)

You weren't fishing for compliments, at least that's not how it came across to me, but you're welcome. I think philosophy serves many purposes, just because our ability to change ourselves are limited (that's my philosophical opinion) doesn't mean it's only good for law-making.

When I said neither seems appealing, naturally I was just talking from my point of view. No matter who you are, you can't please everyone. But I think I've struck a nice balance, the people I like seem to like me back and the people who don't I've managed to stop caring about that. Maybe you could do the same? We'll call it 'secret option 3'.

You don't seem like an unlikeable person, though I can't possibly know for sure, but I do have a hard time following you train of thought. Like that last statement, I don't know what you mean by that.

EDIT: Wait, let me scratch that. After reading through the entire thread, really all I see is you being sarcastic and vindictive towards the people who are trying to offer you advice. Which you asked for. How are you any different than the people you're condemning? If you were in front of me right now, I would be giving you the look of disapproval that you so fear.

No, please, there's no sarcasm. Of course, I could be sarcastic even when I say that. It's impossible to tell whether I'm sarcastic or not. Maybe I've been laughing this whole time, at how people take this seriously while I don't care at all. But it's not like that! I can't give you anything but my word. There's is no sarcasm! It's possible that I'm not being as grateful as I should be. I should listen to you now. If you say I'm being vindictive then that's probably true, it wouldn't surprise me. It's not my intention, though. I'm sorry! Since this is a forum, I have time to think before I respond, so I should. I could have just said "yeah, yeah, I'm a bad person, I know, bye bye forever.." but I didn't because I want your approval. I know I should be careful not to open myself completely on the internet, but this has been more than interesting reading. It's been really helpful. Secret option 3 sounds healthy, sustainable, reasonable. I'll try to try it, at least.

About those two lines: "It's time for excuses and apologies. That's enough." and "Time to explain myself. Satisfied."
You shouldn't have had to read them. It was very disrespectful of me to include them. They're neither useful nor interesting. It's just that, sometimes I feel the need to make excuses, apologies or to explain myself but the most important part, for me, is that you know that I know that excuses, apologies and explanations are required. That's why I was satisfied with just saying "Time to explain myself.".

Despite these misunderstandings, you're good at understanding what I'm saying. Sometimes it's takes long before I get to the point. Listening to me requires patience because I speak as if everyone has all the time in the world to listen to me. I'm glad you've been patient enough. Thanks!

There's a quote by Ludwig Wittgenstein about misunderstandings. He basically says that misunderstandings has been in the way of human development, more so than wars or diseases. He's really good with words, though, and it would be great if I could find the original translation. Do you know of it?

 

[mip0]

**snips**

I mean that life isn't going to balance anything out for us, we could get hurt, experience pain and never find recompense for it.
Babies cry, but is it pain or fear? We can't really say which is the reason a newborn cries, only that its a primal need to do so.
The only guaranteed reward for doing something right is the knowledge you did so.
No one is going to convince you to change, only give you enough perspective to take the steps yourself. I advise if you feel whatever you're doing in life is somehow feeling wrong, and can't put a finger on it, ask someone who knows you well and can trust to tell you the truth. A good friend is the one who isn't afraid to say "Dude, you're being an asshole" as well as when you're doing right. I'm not going to give finding friends advice though, just that humans aren't 100% independent beings. We rely on each other to make it in this world, and the more discord between us all, the weaker we are as a species. Again I say we're not a hivemind and having others around us is essential.
Once ego takes over and you no longer trust any opinion other than your own, then you've not the perspective to know whether you're right or wrong. You can't see yourself from an outsider's perspective, no matter how smart you are.
Sorry I get on tangents but I've been through so much introspection and still know I can't be trusted to say I'm always on the right path, and I have friends and family who will let me know when I stray from me.
I guess my view is that we become corrupt when we replace joy and happiness with just "pleasure" and expect rewards for our "pain", forget who we are and where we've come from, never ask for help or admit that we need it.
The real narcissism to me is thinking the world revolves around us and us alone (7 billion perspectives in the world and none of them do a thing to change the sun rising or setting).

"I advise if you feel whatever you're doing in life is somehow feeling wrong, and can't put a finger on it, ask someone who knows you well and can trust to tell you the truth. A good friend is the one who isn't afraid to say 'Dude, you're being an asshole' as well as when you're doing right."
Yes! I want one of those! But doesn't it hurt your pride when they criticize you? That was a big problem for me.

"Once ego takes over and you no longer trust any opinion other than your own, then you've not the perspective to know whether you're right or wrong. You can't see yourself from an outsider's perspective, no matter how smart you are."
That's very true! Sometimes I don't know whether they're going to smile or punch me; laugh or cry. Even if I really think about it, there often seems to be a reasonable explanation for each reaction.

As I said to Mossberg Shotty, this has been more than interesting reading. It's really been helpful! I hope it's been worth your time. Thank you!

 

[mip0]

(...)

It's easy to be apathetic.
It's hard to be good.

But what does an apathetic person accomplish in life?

Perhaps this bothers you, because you need to look for something, your life may need to change.

You need to find a real purpose for your life, then you will find something more precious then "happiness", which comes and goes. "Joy" is something you can have even in the worst of life's circumstances. It cannot be stolen, only forgotten. Knowing that when the book of your life is written, you did the right thing, that is something no evil can take away.

What does it matter what we accomplish in life? I'm sorry if you've been asked that a thousand times before, but it's the first time I'm asking.

Maybe I could pretend that there is such a thing as a real purpose. Maybe I should choose to believe. What do you believe in? (I wont try to criticize you.)

Thanks for your reply!