Lies Your (Family) Elders Told You?

[Tanis]

Beyond the usual Easter Bunny - Santa - God (hur hur hur so xtreme).

What are some lies/alternative facts your elders (family, or not) told you when you were going up?

I'll start:
One of my grandmas (the ROMAN Catholic one) told me that we didn't eat meat on Friday because that's when Jesus did his whole 'feed everyone with fish n' bread' miracle.

 

[tippy2k2]

We did not have a lot of money growing up (single mum and three kids). We were not "poor" poor (didn't have food stamps or anything and we never went hungry) but we didn't have a ton of money either. Anyway, when we went grocery shopping, us kids were told that the store wasn't allowed to sell us something unless we had a "ticket" for it.

Those "tickets" were coupons.

It's actually kind of genius if you ask adult me; Mum doesn't have to be the bad guy by telling the kids that we can't afford Frosted Flakes (it's not her fault, the store just didn't give us a ticket this week! Maybe next week kids...) and I'm sure it made shopping easier as us kids could see what "Tickets" we had so we knew what we could and couldn't ask for while shopping.

 

[CatsNeverDie]

When we were kids, our mom told us if we talk during eating food, which we did a lot, ghosts and phantoms would eat the food from our plates. And that used to scare the shit out of me.

I am old enough to know it was a lie to shut us up, but I still don't talk while eating. Much.

 

[Veldel]

All my debt is thanks to her opening accounts with my name. Then said it was because of my biological father who was to busy drinking til the day he died. Thanks mom great lie....

 

[Saltyk]

I legitimately can not think of any lies my parents or grandparents ever told me. I sat here for probably ten minutes thinking about it, but couldn't think of anything. Usually any lies were the "don't spoil a secret" type.

My parents were generally pretty honest with me. For example, I knew since I was a child that my mom hated her birthday due to the day it fell on as no one ever celebrated it. I knew when my parents split up to live with their parents that my mom didn't want to live with her in-laws and my dad didn't want to live with his after the people we were renting from pulled the rug out from under us (my parents are still married to this day). When we bought property in a new county, but I went to school in my grandparent's county, I knew we were lying about where I lived and that if the school found out, my parents would be in big trouble. Hell, I even knew that the doctors had advised my mom to abort me after my twin died.

 

[Zen Bard]

"Study hard, get good grades, go to a good college, go work for a good company and you'll be set for life." My whole generation grew up with THAT lie.

Actually, that wasn't a lie so much as just the way of things when my parents were growing up.

Then the Boomers came along with their "Greed is Good" bullshit and fucked it all up for generations to come.

But I digress...

 

[Bedinsis]

Once I asked my dad where the cold air from the air conditioning in the car came from. He said that it was collected on the North Pole and transported in large containers and inserted into the car.

Another time I asked why I couldn't play with the lid to the central vacuum. He claimed that it could only be opened a set amount of times, and I was wasting them.

 

[conmag9]

My mother STILL refuses to admit that Santa isn't real. Same with the Easter Bunny.

Beyond that though, my parents are pretty open with me and my brother. That, or they are phenomenal liars that don't give any indication that they are lying and undergo vast conspiracies to cover up any contradictory evidence.

 

[Fox12]

Hmm, I do remember my mother telling my younger sister about the potty monster that came for young children who wouldn't use the potty

 

[Kajin]

Not my family, but when I was around seven or eight there was a girl that lived nearby that was my age, and while we were at a birthday party her mother told us that if you let a balloon fly away goblins snatch them and pop them in your ears when you're asleep.

 

[Saelune]

My family didnt really lie to me. Or if they tried, I was too smart for it. I was apparently a very perceptive child, prone to listening to what was being said and asking questions. (Any belief in things like Santa was short-lived)

A cheeky lie would be me telling my grandma that I dont like girls and her saying I would one day. Liar. ;D

I guess the best would be that my step-dad is my biological one. I dont think it was ever meant to be a lie or anything though. My brother (his biological child) called him daddy, and so I eventually did too. Then one day he referred to me as his step-kid, and perceptive me would later ask what that meant.

Ironically people often said we looked alot alike. Mostly due to the dark hair I think. (My brother has lighter hair)

 

[Zhukov]

My mum told me that toothpaste was poisonous to stop me swallowing it while brushing my teeth.

I think she just meant it would make you sick if you swallowed too much, but to me "poison" meant "will kill you".

Funnily enough, my parents never tried to get me to believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or Santa. They never said they weren't real either, but of course common sense led me to that conclusion early on. It used to be so frustrating arguing with the other six-year-olds who truly believed that their Christmas presents were delivered by a fat bearded man in a red suit coming down the chimney. Led to a few playground punch-ups.

 

[sageoftruth]

I'd call these second-hand lies, since my father was being sincere, but had been deceived. Basically, he tried to get me into so many different diets, each time claiming it would be the one to help us get thin. I didn't buy it, and each one would eventually be a bust for him despite him following each one loyally.

So, he wasn't lying per se. Just relaying someone else's lie to me without realizing it.

Of course I can't act all smug about it forever. After all, I'm on a diet now which has lost me 25 pounds in a month and a half. It's been pricey as hell but my father's footing the bill for it. Once I reach my goal and get off of it, we'll see if it's just a temporary fix.

 

[Kolby Jack]

When I was 17 I quit my job as a bagger at a grocery store by walking out after the assistant manager accidentally ripped open my pants while messing with me. I was ready to leave before that but after that happened I felt like I was just done. It was stupid, I don't deny that.

But when I got home and told my parents what happened, they were understandably annoyed and when my Dad came to talk to me directly after I went down to my room in the basement, he told me that what I had done was make a decision based on emotions, AKA I had "acted like a woman." Yup.

At the time I simply accepted it as fatherly wisdom (you should see some of the things I posted online back then regarding gender) but that was over 10 years ago and now I'm actually kind of upset that my dad could actually say something like that. What I did was act like a TEENAGER, stupid but understandable, not act "like a woman" which... what?! My dad is a generally a great guy, but I guess even he can't escape being a product of his time.

 

[Scarim Coral]

The whole "standing with your back straight" is good for you and make you taller. Yeah, science would disagree-

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Backpain/Pages/back-pain-and-common-posture-mistakes.aspx#standing

Heck, I read somewhere that slouching as in having your head abit forward instead of being upward is good for you too!

Also I'm not sure if this count since this came from my older brother (count as elder right?) but he once made some BS about needing more natual light in my pc/ bedroom.
Basically my pc is in front of my window which is the curtain is drawn 99% of the time. Anyone knows that having the curtain pull away while on the pc would means it's literally not possible to play/ work on the pc with sunlight in the way!
My mate (who is on the pc all the time) told me I was in the right as from this office health and saftety that they should only be one light source than having two conflicting one to boot!

 

[Remus]

Oh easy one. "Dragons actually existed and the Earth is 5000 years old." Or, "No, man didn't come from apes, well except for "those" people. (they're definitely more apelike)".
counterpoint:

I got this from my parents, my sister, my brother. Superreligion with a side of racism. I'm so happy I grew up with a set of encyclopedias. Not only were they good for keeping in shape, being heavy books n all, but I could grab the one labeled "E", flip to the end and point to it like "SEE?!?"

All this reminded me of a scene I saw in the Starz series "DaVinci's Demons". In it, Leonardo is touring the Pope's private library and at one point comes across a huge, very toothy skull. "The skull of a Dragon" the Pope says. (it's a T-Rex) It's just too bad Leo didn't pull some facial reconstruction bit where he would draw skin around said skull only to come out with one very toothy bird.

Hmm, I do remember my mother telling my younger sister about the potty monster that came for young children who wouldn't use the potty

That's Crapus, the Satyr of Shit.

 

[DrownedAmmet]

My mom told me my dog was going to this super awesome farm upstate that we can never go see him at for some reason.

I was like thirteen though so the next day I realized it was a lie and they were putting him down and then I just felt stupid for believing it and I was really pissed off that my mom didn't think I could handle the truth

 

[Bob_McMillan]

My Aunt made me belive Derek Jeter was her boyfriend. That made for an embarrassing trip to the States.

 

[Recusant]

Okay, I imagine all of us got this one, and I'm surprised no one has mentioned yet: that Europe and Asia are different continents. What made this especially egregious in my case was that I was told this by my parents right after they had given me a globe. I spent hours trying to find that seventh continent they assured me was there, and when they finally got tired of waiting for me, they explained. When I asked why what was obviously one continent was referred to as two, the best answer they could give me was "it just is". That answer has never been satisfactory to answer any question, under any circumstance, in the entire history of humanity, and naturally I was no exception. The exchange at school a few days later didn't help, either; my teacher was very surprised when I corrected her, and when she insisted that the two were separate, and I asked why, she finally paused, thought about it, and then said "well, I guessed people were wrong about that one". I was immensely pleased at having been able to find and correct this, and so was very surprised when the teacher promptly went back to talking about "the seven continents". When I raised my hand to call her on it again, she ignored me. Though I didn't know what the words meant, this taught me an important lesson about ideological inertia and general human stupidity; that glorious team that brings us such joys as Daylight Saving Time ("we can reduce energy consumption by consuming more energy!") global warming denialism ("planetary temperatures don't rapidly undergo major shifts- that whole 'Permian extinction' was just the result of legalized gay marriage and, um, time machines!" and international metrification retty much the whole imperial history of France!:.

All this reminded me of a scene I saw in the Starz series "DaVinci's Demons". In it, Leonardo is touring the Pope's private library and at one point comes across a huge, very toothy skull. "The skull of a Dragon" the Pope says. (it's a T-Rex) It's just too bad Leo didn't pull some facial reconstruction bit where he would draw skin around said skull only to come out with one very toothy bird.

Well, one very toothy dinosaur; there's a reason no one takes cladistics seriously. But since that would've been in 15th century, long before anyone had any real idea what 'dinosaurs' were, it would, at best, have been "a somewhat birdlike dragon".