Life needs a Monster Manual

[Wildrow12]

My name is Wildrow and I am a gamer.

I know what to do when I am face to face with a Goomba.

I am proficient in combating Cthuloid horrors and Red Dragons.

I have an encyclopedic knowledge of all 128 ways to hit Rugal in the balls.

But how do you face the horrors which no game can prepare you for?

How can any woman or man confront the terrors lurking in the most dangerous game of all: REAL LIFE?

How can anyone of you face the blood curdling terrors of Topeka, Kansas?

How can I, a simple man, withstand the trials and perils of Germany, where tales of renegade mechanics and possessed Volkswagen factories churning out armies of demonically sentient cars still fill the waking nightmares of a beleaguered populace?

What would YOU do if faced with the savage hunger of the Dire Manchester United Fan, a creature native to British soil?

...and what, (Oh, how my hand quakes!), what would be your game plan as you stare upon the well groomed hide of the dreaded (gulp!) TERRY SCUE, THE MOST VICIOUS CAR SALESMAN IN ALL OF CANADA!?

Enough, I say!

It is time for us to fight back! To pool our collective experience and to aid one another in surviving the horrors of our native lands!

Thus this thread shall be for the express purpose of serving as a bestiary of sorts, describing the strengths, weaknesses, and habits of our homeland's denizens.

I shall begin:

*Ahem*

Floridian Road Beast

Found in: South Florida

Frequency Encountered: Very Common

Organization: Solo (though they do tend to group together to joust)

Activity Cycle: Any (though they seem to become more aggressive at night and after major sporting events)

Diet: Rage and frustration

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Loot Drop: Cellphone (common), Cursed iPhone of the Apocalypse (rare)

Detail:

Origin of this species is still a matter of debate. Some believe they are the remnants of a terrible magical war so destructive that nothing is left of its instigators except their robes and wizard hats. Others point to the stars and claim that these monsters are the children of some malevolent extraterrestrial force, who no doubt planted it's spawn here to bedevil mankind. Some....just blame bad parenting and Red Bull.

For whatever reason, these humanoid creatures seem to gravitate towards the warm climate of south Florida in North America, and seem to exclusively haunt law abiding Florida drivers..and anyone else who enters their feeding grounds.

Their language appears to be made up completely of obscenities (leading some to believe that the Floridian Road Beast may share a common lineage with the far more widely known Forum Trolls and Xbox Live Trolls). They seem to signal each other (and everyone else) with a most curious hand gesture: the extending of the digit between what would be the ring and index in humans and the the almost total closing of the fist.

While the true meaning of this gesture (referred to as a "bird" and the action of doing so "flipping the bird" by expert Road Beast hunters) is unknown, the results are obvious.

The beast will begin by issuing forth a loud, wailing honk and then will attempt to rush forward and overtake the target vehicle. In some cases, truly agitated specimens will charge head long into rivals.

While virtually impervious to Psionic or magical assault (these creatures both lack the intelligence to be harmed by other minds, and the soul-presence to be effectively harmed by most spells) they do seem to have a curious weakness to red and blue flashing lights and sirens.


Combat suggestion: Ignore the Floridian Road Beast. Like it's troll cousins it feeds on the frustration and rage it's actions cause. Should it be deprived of this, it will begin to feed on itself (1d10 damage each turn) and will eventually return to its lair to cry and pet poodles.


----------------------

Well, I've done my part. How about you?

 

[Berethond]

Hey, this sounds like a good idea.
You should write more while I think of something.

 

[Wildrow12]

What? I... huh?

The Prince of Corndogs,The Mistress of Bad Puns, and the Master of the Foul Realm of Endless Disco, respectively.

....you WERE asking who What, I, and Huh were, right?

 

[eatenbyagrue]

Disease Breeder

Found In: City streets, especially in third-world countries

Race: Humanoid (?)

Size: Minuscle-Medium

Hit Die: d3

Frequency Encountered: So Common It's Not Even Funny

Organization: Gangs

Activity Cycle: Diurnal

Diet: Things found in garbage, money from kind strangers

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Loot Drop: none

Encounter Level: 1/2

Attacks: Natural Weapon - Spit (1d4 damage, DC20 Will Saving Throw against Disgust, DC25 Fortitude Saving Throw against Disease), Claw Attack (1d6 damage). Grapple (1d6 damage/turn, DC5 Strength check to break, DC25 Fortitude Saving Throw against Disease)

Detail: While little study has gone into the biology and behavior of these beings, certain common habits have been discovered by naturalists:
1) They tend to congregate around taverns, inns and establishments were food is served
2) They will hound any possibly moneyed individuals or groups for 1d8 rounds or until attacked, before they retreat on their own
3) Adventuring parties have noted a very strong, foul aroma that tends to form in areas where packs of these creatures congregate.
4) While extremely territorial, these creatures have very little in the way of actual fighting ability, and will instead attempt to obtain any amount of a passing traveler's money

Adventurers encountering these things are advised to best ignore them, as they provide very little in the way of loot and experience, and the fact that local constables tend to frown upon unprovoked attacks on the creatures.

 

[Wildrow12]

What? I... huh?

The Prince of Corndogs,The Mistress of Bad Puns, and the Master of the Foul Realm of Endless Disco, respectively.

....you WERE asking who What, I, and Huh were, right?

I.. Yes. Thank you.

<.<

Glad to help. =)

 

[topsyturvy]

Overlord of the Car Stereo
Found in: Cities in general
Times of appearance: From night to morning
Diet: Hip Hop and rock albums people's suffering, fancy cars
Loot: Car Keys and car
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Details: Origins found to correlate with the invention of the car stereo which apparently activated a recessive gene in the creature's DNA that causes it to forgo any sense of respect/ decency for the people around them in favor of showing off their stereos while people sleep. Related actions also include revving up their engines when lights turn green for reasons unknown.
Other details cannot be found as assistants came back limping with bruises and broken bones.

 

[eatenbyagrue]

Ooh, I got another one:

False Bard

Found In: Coffee shops, bookstores, street corners, performing arts schools

Race: Human

Size: Small-Medium

Hit Die: 1d6

Frequency Encountered: Common-Uncommon

Organization: Solo, though at times they will congregate in groups of 3-4

Activity Cycle: Nocturnal

Diet: Pretentiousness, cigarette fumes, coffee

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Loot Drop: Musical Instrument, beret

Encounter Level: 1

Attacks: Song of Pain (DC15 Will Saving Throw or be stunned for 1d8 rounds), Indecipherable Poetry (DC12 Knowledge check to interpret and mock)

Detail: Although this breed of Humanoid originated from Greenwich Village, New York, theories have been circulating as to whether they were born there or migrated from other metropolitan centers.

It must be noted that while otherwise harmless, the False Bard becomes extremely hostile when his/her "talent" is questioned. Prepare for vicious attacks and constant finger snapping.

Little other information can be gathered, as most zoologists and naturalists lack the level of pretentiousness required to remain in the creature's habitat long enough to gather any significant amounts of information. The bloody wimps.

 

[Beffudled Sheep]

New Jersian
Found: Primarily in New Jersey but have been known to spread to neighbouring areas.
Encountered:Everywhere in New Jersey; uncommon in other areas.
Organisation: Varied, mostly in packs.
Activity cycle: Any, more dangerous at night.
Diet: Your anger, misery, and happiness.
Alignment: Mostly chaotic neutral but not always.
Loot drop: Various stolen items.
Detail: The New Jersian originated as a product of New Jerseys corrupting powers. They are traitors and backstabers by nature and alliances rarely last long. The older ones will mostly ignore you but the young ones will always find a way to do you harm. They have no unified language but all languages share similarities like the excessive use of vulgarity and poor grammar. Somehow have a worse reputation than their much ruder neighbours and are hated throughout the lands. They are greedy and lack the intelligence to be outwitted or to back down and are soulless abominations. The only way to take one down is through physical attacks. Avoid them!

 

[Ultracake]

England.. Ughh..


C.H.A.V

Found In: Council estates

Race: Humanoid-Unknown

Size: Medium

Hit Die: ???

Frequency Encountered:Common

Organization: Gangs

Diet: Chicken and chips

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Loot Drop: Common: Polyester pants, Polyester jogging suit
Rare: Anything worth a crap, money

Encounter Level: 1/2

Attacks: Insult, Lowers all stats by 1. Punch, Minimal damage, Steal money, Pummel with golfclubs

Detail: C.H.A.V Council housed and violent
1) They tend to congregate around streets, alleys and council estates
2) They will hound any possibly moneyed individuals or groups
3) Adventuring parties have noted a very strong,Smoke haze that tends to form in areas where packs of these creatures congregate.
4) While extremely territorial, these creatures have very little in the way of actual fighting ability, and will instead attempt to obtain any amount of a passing traveler's money or dignity

 

[Paladin426]

LARPER
Location: Basements, Woods, Large Fields(daytime)
Organization: Packs of at least 10
Attacks: Long Sword Thrust, Leveled Flare
Weakness: Girls
Loot: Action Figure, Foam Sword, Comic Books

Details: The LARPER spents most of its time indoors. When it does go out, it travels in packs that tend to attack one another. Any outsiders within their packs are savagely riped apart. The best defense against them is to have a female in your party.

 

[Wildrow12]

Attention Lich

Found in: South Florida (but cases have been reported worldwide)

Frequency Encountered: Very Common

Organization: Pack

Activity Cycle: Any

Diet: Attention and Booze

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Loot Drop: Mardi Gras Beads (common)

Detail:

Few creatures are as difficult to understand as the common Attention Whore. Seemingly found wherever there is alcohol flowing and a captive audience, the attention whore is quick to do anything to make itself known and to feed on the shock and titillation it's antics cause. While annoying, these creatures are virtually harmless.

But what happens when an Attention Whore ages? Does it simply slow down and contemplate its existence? Does it except the end as all creatures must?

The answer is far more disturbing. Attention Whores do not retire or age gracefully, they simply degenerate into the terrible form of the Attention Lich. Still possessed of the same drive to expose themselves to strangers to feed on their response, but now armed with the terrible sagging body parts and wrinkled genitalia which comes with age, the Attention Lich can kill or drain the sanity (1d6 per turn) of all unfortunate enough to be in its presence.

Worse yet, Attention Liches seem to operate in packs (unlike more traditional forms of higher undead) and seem to feed off each other, making their indecent exposure far more lethal.

Compounding the problem, is the fact that the Attention Lich is immune to the insults and taunts which would have driven it off in its younger form. Whether this is a result of hardened mental fortitude after years of verbal abuse, some form of foul protection given to them by Sag'i D'k (the dark god of Cantankerous Geriatrics), or simple senility is still up to debate.

Combat Suggestion: While they are immune to turning, (Level 5) Clerics (or Level 2 Parents) can devastate The Attention Lich with the ability 'Disapproving Glare'. Simply fold ones arms, shake ones head, and generally look like a disappointed authority figure. It will take an incredible feat of will for the Attention Lich to shake off the effect (DC: 25) and most often they will explode in ball of fire and necrotic energy, unleashing specters and lost souls as they depart from this world.

....or they'll just put their clothes back on and leave.

 

[El Poncho]

Argh I can't think of anything for this aweomse thread.

 

[Kilo24]

Gah! Mingling... 2nd edition stat blocks... with 3rd edition rules... argh! Must bleach mind with traditionally nerd-approved devices!

 

[Wildrow12]

Gah! Mingling... 2nd edition stat blocks... with 3rd edition rules... argh! Must bleach mind with traditionally nerd-approved devices!

Too late! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

[Fniff]

Skaner

Found in: Dublin,poorer areas.

Frequency Encountered: Very common.

Organization: Solo or packs of 5 or 10.

Activity Cycle: Nocturnal

Diet: "Gear" and alcohol.

Alignment: chaotic evil to neutral.

Loot Drop: "Gear",Smashed phone,empty beer bottle.

Detail:

These creatures are found around bars and suburbs. They usally leave you alone,but when agitated,they kick you in the groin (5 DMPT) slash at you with the knife of loitering (15 DM) or just run away.

 

[ace_of_something]

Gah! Mingling... 2nd edition stat blocks... with 3rd edition rules... argh! Must bleach mind with traditionally nerd-approved devices!

Thank god! I thought I was going to appear too nerdy for pointing this out so I didn't say anything. Feared I might implode if no one else did.

 

[SnowCold]

Spoiled Brat

Found mainly in: rich nieghbourhoods

Frequency Encountered: common to very-common

Organarztion: packs, from pairs to groups of 20

Race: Gnome

Alightment: Chaotic evil when in packs, true neutral when alone and against a sronger being.

Loot: iPhone/iPod-touch (Very common), PSP (meduim, males only)

Details:
While they come from a good rich home, the spoiled brat will think his life is horriable and join a pack of other brats, while they can cause a mild threat in groups, where they get attack bonus for proving thier 'toughness', against a parent the brat will lose all power, and go into a stunned mode, while mumbling "uh..." and "bu- but!...".
While alone, the brat can practicly be stepped on. yet beware, while the parent will stop the brats doing, he (though ussaly 'she') will destroy if you even get near him.

 

[FallenRainbows]

I laughed, Oooh I like you now you made my day much better, (And it was pretty bad so yay for you my good (wo)man)

 

[Wildrow12]

I laughed, Oooh I like you now you made my day much better, (And it was pretty bad so yay for you my good (wo)man)

Glad to help!

 

[IxionIndustries]

Highschool Skank (Homo Whorius Academis)

Found: Skanks are found anywhere, but these ones are only found in High Schools.

Rarity: Quite common, but varies on location.

Organization: Solo (But they tend to have packs of males to protect them)

Activity Cycle: Yet to be recorded.

Diet: Drugs and sexual favors.

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Loot Drop: Cellphone (common), Random Narcotic (Common), STD (Extremely Common)

Detail: This variety of Skank is generally more aggressive and territorial than other breeds.
Like all Skanks, this variety has a pack of larger, typically male creatures of any species. They obtain said packs through sexual favors, in exchange for drugs to feed the Skank's hunger, and protection.
Skanks are always female, but will fight other Skanks for territory. Their form of combat is bragging, and boasting, trying to intimidate the opposing Skank, before breaking out into a fight.
The High School Skank is very aggressive to any male not inducted into their pack, threatening to do harm to said male if he "Steps all up in her Kool-Aid."
Adventurers would do well to avoid these beasts (Especially if you are a man.), as they are quite dangerous. Also be warned, these foul creatures are always disease ridden, and looting their corpse will always harbor some form of STD.

Attacks: Nut Shot (Male only, lethal smashing dmg.),
Call Pack (Summons 3 Male slaves to fight.),
Scratch,
Intimidate.