Call me a young whippersnapper, the first console I owned was an Xbox. The black and green square-shaped, ?X? box was the first experience in gaming without having to argue with a friend who gets to be the biblical Player 1. How then could I have immersed myself in the merry joys of yesteryear game like Mario Cart, Golden Eye or Perfect Dark? I couldn?t. Those games were long gone to myself and sadly I sit in the corner of my mind, quietly imagining ?what if??
Games come and go, and then there are some that come and come again. I?m talking about a little game about a pill popping, alcoholic squirrel, Conker.
Originally brought out for the N64 as Conker's Bad Fur Day, Microsoft and Rare weren?t quite ready to let this lil? fella die. I imagine the revival of the game would be similar to Frankenstein digging up a lonely grave in the light of the full moon, but alas, the game industry isn?t as creative as my mind works. Although Rare is to be congratulated for giving the game respectable graphics and a pretty decent Multiplayer, nothing more is added onto to it or improved that greatly. Making his tail looks ever fluffier, the sun a little shinier and blood, water and other less wholesome excrements can be blown onto the screen, the end result has turned out as: Conker: Live and Reloaded.
Need he say more?
For those of the rock dwelling community, Conker had a bad fur day. This consisted of getting charged by a bull, poo flung at him by a giant singing excrement, shot at various times, robbed, stabbed and even killed, to which he ends up becoming king of all the land somehow.
The story somehow involves Conker in an intricate plot, well not really, but it's as stupid as all hell and the plot only comes in right at the very very end of the game. The Panther Kings wants a new table leg so that his milk won?t slip off the edge. That's it. That's the entire plot. This leg however can only be replaced with a red squirrel that fits the correct proportions of it. Being the only red squirrel around, it leaves Conker in a bad position. So what?s his plan to take action against this insidious racial crime? Go drinking? Piss off a pitchfork and try to hook up with his girlfriend again? Yeah, something like that. I don?t think he really cares.
Many describe Conker as a foul mouth character, where in fact he isn?t really. He barely swears and is rarely aggressive. To me, Conker is merely a normal child?s platforming character that wandered into some alternate universe where everyone seems to hate him. The game itself feels like a platforming adventure, where all the creatures became self aware of their surroundings and gave up on life. Like a normal run of the mill platforming game, Conker consists of many problems that require something to be jumped on, hit or a ?context sensitive? button to press. Unlike a children?s platforming adventure, this is defiantly very ?adults only? spawning drugs, alcohol, course language, nudity (be it only of one ticklish plant) and high levels of violence. The true bloodshed of the game doesn?t come in until you land on the beaches of the Tediz, a Nazi teddy bear creation. Out of nowhere, Conker is exposed to the deaths and messy slaughter of the squirrels he once (briefly) knew in a parody of Saving Private Ryan.
For the game has many snide yet hilarious jokes, ?Were your parents related, you know, before they got married?? and many references to great movies. Though many of the jokes seem to have been harvested out of the ?poo and wee? factory of laughs that only children find amusing. Sometimes I felt degraded as the cow had diarrhea and spilt her load right on screen. ?Thanks, but I didn?t need to see that.? This and many film references seem to be only nods to that said film without an actual joke surrounding it.
Awww, ain't the cutest?
But I can?t say Conker is one arse joke after the next, far from it. The humour in this game is thick on all scales. The characters are raw with... well character? Death in a squeaky voice midget with a megaphone that hates cats, the Weasel is a mad scientist, spiteful of his Panther lord and Conker, well, he?s just mixed up in all of this.
As a platforming adventure it plays out well. Floating chocolate accounts for health while tails are used as lives. Conkers powers include the ability to hover spinning his tail like a helicopter and the ability to constantly break the third wall. His weapon of choice? A baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it, naturally.
What Conker: Live and Reloaded has made new, aside from the shinier graphics, is the multiplayer. It?s fairly worked out and many hours of gaming between friends was had on it. You can chose to be apart of the Nazi Tediz or the American/British Squirrels. Through the wars of WW2 towards the future, the multiplayer allows for big action sequences as you can pilot vehicles, mount guns and use different characters to gain objectives. Where human players are lacking, bots can take over the role. A feature that should be in all multiplayer games.
"Spy sappen mah sentry?"
The game can suffer from old, worn ball an arse jokes from time to time, but nothing beats being able to dress up like Van Helsing and blast zombie squirrels to pieces. If you can find a copy of it, defiantly get it. The single player is good fun and while no one may play the multiplayer anymore, you can still have fun between friends.
Games come and go, and then there are some that come and come again. I?m talking about a little game about a pill popping, alcoholic squirrel, Conker.
Originally brought out for the N64 as Conker's Bad Fur Day, Microsoft and Rare weren?t quite ready to let this lil? fella die. I imagine the revival of the game would be similar to Frankenstein digging up a lonely grave in the light of the full moon, but alas, the game industry isn?t as creative as my mind works. Although Rare is to be congratulated for giving the game respectable graphics and a pretty decent Multiplayer, nothing more is added onto to it or improved that greatly. Making his tail looks ever fluffier, the sun a little shinier and blood, water and other less wholesome excrements can be blown onto the screen, the end result has turned out as: Conker: Live and Reloaded.
Need he say more?
For those of the rock dwelling community, Conker had a bad fur day. This consisted of getting charged by a bull, poo flung at him by a giant singing excrement, shot at various times, robbed, stabbed and even killed, to which he ends up becoming king of all the land somehow.
The story somehow involves Conker in an intricate plot, well not really, but it's as stupid as all hell and the plot only comes in right at the very very end of the game. The Panther Kings wants a new table leg so that his milk won?t slip off the edge. That's it. That's the entire plot. This leg however can only be replaced with a red squirrel that fits the correct proportions of it. Being the only red squirrel around, it leaves Conker in a bad position. So what?s his plan to take action against this insidious racial crime? Go drinking? Piss off a pitchfork and try to hook up with his girlfriend again? Yeah, something like that. I don?t think he really cares.
Many describe Conker as a foul mouth character, where in fact he isn?t really. He barely swears and is rarely aggressive. To me, Conker is merely a normal child?s platforming character that wandered into some alternate universe where everyone seems to hate him. The game itself feels like a platforming adventure, where all the creatures became self aware of their surroundings and gave up on life. Like a normal run of the mill platforming game, Conker consists of many problems that require something to be jumped on, hit or a ?context sensitive? button to press. Unlike a children?s platforming adventure, this is defiantly very ?adults only? spawning drugs, alcohol, course language, nudity (be it only of one ticklish plant) and high levels of violence. The true bloodshed of the game doesn?t come in until you land on the beaches of the Tediz, a Nazi teddy bear creation. Out of nowhere, Conker is exposed to the deaths and messy slaughter of the squirrels he once (briefly) knew in a parody of Saving Private Ryan.
For the game has many snide yet hilarious jokes, ?Were your parents related, you know, before they got married?? and many references to great movies. Though many of the jokes seem to have been harvested out of the ?poo and wee? factory of laughs that only children find amusing. Sometimes I felt degraded as the cow had diarrhea and spilt her load right on screen. ?Thanks, but I didn?t need to see that.? This and many film references seem to be only nods to that said film without an actual joke surrounding it.
Awww, ain't the cutest?
But I can?t say Conker is one arse joke after the next, far from it. The humour in this game is thick on all scales. The characters are raw with... well character? Death in a squeaky voice midget with a megaphone that hates cats, the Weasel is a mad scientist, spiteful of his Panther lord and Conker, well, he?s just mixed up in all of this.
As a platforming adventure it plays out well. Floating chocolate accounts for health while tails are used as lives. Conkers powers include the ability to hover spinning his tail like a helicopter and the ability to constantly break the third wall. His weapon of choice? A baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it, naturally.
What Conker: Live and Reloaded has made new, aside from the shinier graphics, is the multiplayer. It?s fairly worked out and many hours of gaming between friends was had on it. You can chose to be apart of the Nazi Tediz or the American/British Squirrels. Through the wars of WW2 towards the future, the multiplayer allows for big action sequences as you can pilot vehicles, mount guns and use different characters to gain objectives. Where human players are lacking, bots can take over the role. A feature that should be in all multiplayer games.
"Spy sappen mah sentry?"
The game can suffer from old, worn ball an arse jokes from time to time, but nothing beats being able to dress up like Van Helsing and blast zombie squirrels to pieces. If you can find a copy of it, defiantly get it. The single player is good fun and while no one may play the multiplayer anymore, you can still have fun between friends.
