lock thread please

[Joccaren]

I'm also going to throw my hat in for yes, but it will greatly vary dependent on where you go. Some areas are fine with polygamy itself, but strongly against cheating. Some places cheating is fairly commonplace, but polygamy is weird. Most places frown a bit on both.

However polygamy [Easier to type for me, sorry if its not completely correct in this context] is something that people don't understand, whilst cheating is.
When someone cheats, there's a clear right and wrong, and someone has to get upset, and punish the cheater in some way. Its glorified in soap operas and dramas, and everyone can understand the intent behind it - something isn't quite working out with your normal partner, so you go behind their back and see someone else at the same time. A lot of people see it as secret polygamy in some ways - people are known to love both the person they're cheating on, and the person they're cheating with at times. However its accepted because it fits in with general society's morals. Or. Well. The punishment for it does.

Polygamy isn't understood in the same way. Everyone is aware its going on, and we've been trained for years that if your partner is sleeping with someone else, its cheating and you need to crack down on it. Most people also only know their own experiences, and feel they should only love one person as that's how they've been bought up, and can't understand loving another member of the same gender as well as their chosen husband/wife [Since in most places its only legal to have one]. This makes things really weird for judging polygamy, as its something that not only do people not understand, but they further have trouble understanding it as not cheating. The expect there to be conflict, and then a resolution, not everyone being all chummy about it. And because reality does not meet with their expectations, or what they can even comprehend, they shun it. Cheating is half shunned. Its seen as bad, but its understood, and you can still get on the victim's side and support them. In Polygamy, the 'victim' from some people's view point, isn't someone you can get on the side of. You can't approve of their actions and chastise their partner. You may want to, but the relationship is different.

So, by and large, I think yes, cheating is more socially acceptable than polygamy [Again going to re-iterate that I'm just using this as its easier to type and its really late at night so its going to be a pain for me to change them all], because its more understood.
Should it be? No. Cheating should be shunned to hell and back, and polygamy should be viewed as fine, at least IMO. However, we've been trained to have it the other way around. Movies, TV shows, books - they glorify cheating as this juicy bit of drama, and after the drama everyone moves on because its a movie/book/tv show and that's what happens. Polygamy is tied more to religious cults and ancient practices, and isn't even shown on TV most of the time. We've been trained to see relationships as only possible between two individuals, and to see cheating as something that happens fairly often and isn't as big a deal as it in some ways should be. The sad truth of society where 'fitting in' is more important than adult consent sometimes.

 

[Kwak]

Is polyamory only when everyone knows who the other party/parties are and therefore 'approves' of them, or can it just be a case of 'yeah I see someone else for sex as well just so you know, so feel free to whatever with whoever but keep thursdays at ten open.'

What if one partner has other sex partners but the other partner only has sex with them but is cool with them seeing others; are they technically polyamorous if they're fine with sharing but aren't engaged with other partners themselves? - because it would seem polyamory is more dependent on the emotional condition of not having sexual jealousy than just being good at getting different people to fuck you.

(if I had just one special skill to spend stat points on IRL, I think that would be the one)

 

[Lufia Erim]

Is polyamory only when everyone knows who the other party/parties are and therefore 'approves' of them, or can it just be a case of 'yeah I see someone else for sex as well just so you know, so feel free to whatever with whoever but keep thursdays at ten open.'

What if one partner has other sex partners but the other partner only has sex with them but is cool with them seeing others; are they technically polyamorous if they're fine with sharing but aren't engaged with other partners themselves? - because it would seem polyamory is more dependent on the emotional condition of not having sexual jealousy than just being good at getting different people to fuck you.

(if I had just one special skill to spend stat points on IRL, I think that would be the one)

That's actually a very good question. I never thought about what if only one person does it but both parties consented beforehand.

I think polyamory is more about emotion than sex. It's more than just sleeping with other people ( it could also be that) but dating other people and having a relationship with them also. I don't think swingers count as poly. Nor do cuckolds. But I'm just using common sense , i don't have anything to back that up.

 

[Nailzzz]

I think that if anything people are far too forgiving of cheating and would not raise the slightest protest if it became a capitol offense tomorrow. As far as I am concerned if you are incapable of loyalty to a person you claim to love, you have no value. If your incapable of making a personal sacrifice for the sake of one you love, what good are you?

As for polygamists, I don't have an issue with it in theory. However every real life example I have seen of it has crashed and burned horribly because as much as such people claim to be honest, it never seems to stay that way. Getting a relationship with 2 people to have lasting stability is hard enough. Adding more people only seems to multiply the complications.

I suspect that society view polygamy the way it does because of concerns about mate poaching. People are generally insecure. Normally when you see a couple, and your in a relationship with a person that couple is hanging out with, you can be pretty sure that they will act as watchdogs there to insure they do nothing with your mate. If one of them screws your SO, then they have something to lose. The other party in the other relationship will make the offender pay via breakup, divorce, etc. and you will likely learn of it. It is often why married couples tend to favor other married couples for company over their single friends.

With polygamous people, you have no such security. Polygamous people/couples are essentially wolves in sheep's clothing. They appear as safe couple's but are still just as likely to be on the prowl as single people. I think this really disturbs a lot of people on some base instinctual level. After all one or both can be screwing your SO behind your back, and they will suffer nothing for doing so except for your personal disapproval should you discover it.

 

[Magmarock]

I know as much about relationships as I do about cars. But I think I know why people get upset over cheating. Maybe there's a hint in the name.

 

[Patathatapon]

Well if both sides are aware that you've got multiple girlfriends or wives or whatever I don't see the problem. When you are lying (Like cheating) then that's a different story.

When you are purposely misleading someone that is a problem. If they know about it and are okay with it I don't see any issues.

 

[game-lover]

Sadly? I think it is more socially acceptable. The declarations that "everybody cheats." If I had to guess, I'd say the reasons for this is because infidelity itself is more of an action. While Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. You know how society can really invested in lifestyle choices. But beyond that, it's because humans are selfish beings. We just are. We can also be hypocritical. Cheaters are definitely that when it comes to their SO with other people.

Often, many a cheater will swear "I was never going to leave you for her/him!" That it meant nothing. That they always came back home and the rest of that bullshit. Even the ones who claim they fell in love with someone else--not counting the exceptions where someone does leave--the cheater will generally drop their side lover under the bus the moment their husband/wife or long term whatever even hints at maybe leaving. No contact, probably a horrible insult or two where they make it clear the Other Woman or Other Man was just a blowup doll/walking dildo. All in all, cheating is temporary and ultimately short term. Or at least that's supposed to be the mindset.

Probably the majority of those who consider infidelity socially acceptable or also those who have no moral objection to it and would likely cheat if they haven't already. Now here's where the selfish hypocrisy comes in.

You take polyamory and that suddenly opens up the field for their partner to get the chance to be with other people. It was one thing for them to have a fling or two. But their husband/wife to be with someone else?? And for everyone to KNOW?! OMGWTFBBQ! This is NOT acceptable. My theory, anyway.

Granted, I draw a hard line with cheating so I could be pretty biased. I'm pretty evil about the subject. I take pleasure when cheating results in tragedy for the betrayer. Truly, I do. While the act is infuriating, it's the lying and and deceit that is pretty much pouring then rubbing salt onto the wound. Taking away the morality aspect and whether or not one believes that a cheater can totally still love who they're cheating on... The biggest issue for me is that... It's NOT FUCKING FAIR.

All that wasted time. All those years. This guy or that girl were likely approached by at least one other person who wanted to tap their respective asses and they didn't take the offer because they were fucking loyal. Then to learn that while they were doing their damndest to resist temptation, the person they committed to was just like: Meh. Weak.

Wouldn't that just piss you off? It pisses me off to think about it. That you probably could be dating that cute businessman you had to share a cab with to a business retreat or that hot dance teacher you bumped into on the street as she was rushing to the subway. Or any other potential lovers that you ignored for the sake of your relationship.

I've always said I'd have to dump whoever cheated on me for that. Because I would have a lot of time to make up for what he took from me.

 

[scw55]

Cheating betrays trust. It's bad. Open relationships seem fine. But personally, I think it's selfish. You're in the relationship for yourself rather than for the other person. A genuine relationship is about "sacrifice", where you'd do *anything* for the happiness of the other person, and it works both ways. I think having multiple romantic partners serves only yourself, and you don't really server who you're with. That's my opinion.

Polyamory in theory can be fine. If everyone involved is cool with it. But if you read The Bible, Polyamory produces jealousy between different spouses. Humans aren't able to have a harmonious polyamory relationship.

Therefore both are bad, but for different reasons.

 

[Kwak]

I think that if anything people are far too forgiving of cheating and would not raise the slightest protest if it became a capitol offense tomorrow. As far as I am concerned if you are incapable of loyalty to a person you claim to love, you have no value. If your incapable of making a personal sacrifice for the sake of one you love, what good are you?...

"Capital offence - any criminal charge which is punishable by the death penalty, called "capital" since the defendant could lose his/her head (Latin for caput)."
Holy shit, that's pretty extreme. Anyone having a relationship with you is taking their life into their own hands, less they act the way humans, and mammals, and birds, and pretty much every species which has sex-roles, has done since we evolved.
And you can truly love someone, and still cheat on them. It's one of the painful human facts of our existence, and it's confusing and it hurts but it doesn't make you worthy of death.
I imagine stoning would be the capital punishment you'd consider appropriately biblical?

You really need to consider that monogamy is a human ideal that nature has no opinion on or respect for and we are part of nature, and that people are fallible and our desires make us weak at certain moments; and we're also risk takers and we don't always act in either our own best interests or of those we love.

 

[Nailzzz]

I think that if anything people are far too forgiving of cheating and would not raise the slightest protest if it became a capitol offense tomorrow. As far as I am concerned if you are incapable of loyalty to a person you claim to love, you have no value. If your incapable of making a personal sacrifice for the sake of one you love, what good are you?...

"Capital offence - any criminal charge which is punishable by the death penalty, called "capital" since the defendant could lose his/her head (Latin for caput)."
Holy shit, that's pretty extreme. Anyone having a relationship with you is taking their life into their own hands, less they act the way humans, and mammals, and birds, and pretty much every species which has sex-roles, has done since we evolved.
And you can truly love someone, and still cheat on them. It's one of the painful human facts of our existence, and it's confusing and it hurts but it doesn't make you worthy of death.
I imagine stoning would be the capital punishment you'd consider appropriately biblical?

You really need to consider that monogamy is a human ideal that nature has no opinion on or respect for and we are part of nature, and that people are fallible and our desires make us weak at certain moments; and we're also risk takers and we don't always act in either our own best interests or of those we love.

And yet despite all of what you took from my statement, all of my ex's are regrettably still alive spreading misery to others. There is a difference between not finding it objectionable if those who cause misery are executed or killed and making the statement that i would kill all cheaters.

As for what you consider "natural" human behavior: If you cannot rise above ones own nature, than you are an animal and should not be granted the status of humans, for that singular trait is what sets us apart. If desires make one weak, then they didn't have much strength to speak of in the first place. I don't bear any animals ill will. I am rather fond of them. However i do take offense when a human who is blessed with as much potential as we are, chooses to act as a base creature. An animal has little choice but to follow it's instincts and is relatively blameless. Any person who insists on behaving as a mere beast is not worthy of human consideration when they choose to dispose of their own humanity. I simply have no respect for cheaters as they have showed that they themselves have no respect.

As for my favored forms of capital punishment, I prefer to have more imagination than merely plagiarizing the Bible. I rather prefer infecting such a person with naegleria fawleri or necrotizing fasciitis or just expose them to an Australian stinging tree. I never said i would bring harm to cheaters personally. But if this fate befell cheaters, I would gleefully watch the results of these maladies taking effect upon them with popcorn and a smile.

 

[game-lover]

Two movies come to mind when I think of such things as mentioned in the above post.

There was an old one starring Jennifer Aniston. She was supposed to be this taken woman who proceeded to try and sleep with a married man. They took to an old motel. Just when they were getting started, some dude breaks in, terrorizes them and proceeds to "rape her. Why the quotes. Because the plot twist was that it was a setup. Her "rapist" was her boyfriend and they pretty much were working together to blackmail this man for all the funding while making him feel guilty because she couldn't possibly tell the police and yadda yadda.

Next one is One Hour Photo. One of Robin William's darker roles. Later in the movie, his character--upon realizing that outing the affair of the husband to his wife changed nothing--he follows him to the hotel he's using with his mistress, forces his way through their room and proceeds to terrorize them and sexually assault them by forcing them to be intimate on his terms, basically perverting all that nice consensual yet immoral sex they were having. When the police manage to get there, they find the woman sitting in the shower letting the water run all over her, both of them pretty much scarred for life.

For each movie, my first thought was this: Well, if they hadn't been cheating on their spouses, this probably never would have happened to them. And for the latter movie specifically: The affair was killed dead. They will never be able to remember having sex with each other without recalling what RW's character forced them to do. Bet it wasn't worth it anymore... heh.

Was it something they deserved? No. But... I find it very, very hard to be particularly sympathetic to their plight. Kinda like Fatal Attraction that way too though that was before my time.