I usually get angry, and kill a bunch of virtual things until it goes away.
Thing is, I'm only just starting to admit to myself that I have these feelings. I didn't want to believe it, but my mental wellbeing has become dependent on the presence of that which also poses the biggest threat to my mental stability; human beings. The creatures that can help me away from an abyss of depression, and then throw me back in at will, adding the element of vengeful anger into a psychological mix with outcomes even I don't want to think about.
I have alot of problems socialising. There seems to be nowhere I would fit in. I'm not athletic enough for sports, not smart enough for any of the typical academic things, but seemingly too smart to socialise through drinking; I figure at some point, the alcohol induced mask is gonna come off, and the friends I had ain't gonna like what they see. Most of all though, it's the lack of logical sense. I've made friends at college who I know according to typical social patterns shouldn't want to come near me. One of the popular girls even talks to me sometimes; everything I know about humans says she should be disgusted at the very sight of me.
Do I drop the logic? Put faith in blind emotion? There is alot to lose. I've seen about the worst of humanity in my time, people who made me wonder about the usage of the word "humane" meaning basic kindness. Humans kill for less than just breaking social rules. Just being born wrong can send humans into homicidal mode. If I get something wrong, it could be fine, or fatal.
To be honest, I don't know. I'd like to think more logical thinking would unveil the answers, like a puzzle that merely needs to be thought about long enough to be solved, but really, I know it could never be that easy.
Thing is, I'm only just starting to admit to myself that I have these feelings. I didn't want to believe it, but my mental wellbeing has become dependent on the presence of that which also poses the biggest threat to my mental stability; human beings. The creatures that can help me away from an abyss of depression, and then throw me back in at will, adding the element of vengeful anger into a psychological mix with outcomes even I don't want to think about.
I have alot of problems socialising. There seems to be nowhere I would fit in. I'm not athletic enough for sports, not smart enough for any of the typical academic things, but seemingly too smart to socialise through drinking; I figure at some point, the alcohol induced mask is gonna come off, and the friends I had ain't gonna like what they see. Most of all though, it's the lack of logical sense. I've made friends at college who I know according to typical social patterns shouldn't want to come near me. One of the popular girls even talks to me sometimes; everything I know about humans says she should be disgusted at the very sight of me.
Do I drop the logic? Put faith in blind emotion? There is alot to lose. I've seen about the worst of humanity in my time, people who made me wonder about the usage of the word "humane" meaning basic kindness. Humans kill for less than just breaking social rules. Just being born wrong can send humans into homicidal mode. If I get something wrong, it could be fine, or fatal.
To be honest, I don't know. I'd like to think more logical thinking would unveil the answers, like a puzzle that merely needs to be thought about long enough to be solved, but really, I know it could never be that easy.
