Looking for some social advice

[Parkway91]

You may or may not have noticed I post a few threads in the Advice Forum, this is because I am in quite an odd frame of mind and time in my life.

This thread is relating to my odd social life, which became known and quite apparent to me this very night. I went out to a bar with a few friends, I spent the night sitting there silent watching and absorbing other peoples (within my friend group) conversation. Despite other people attempts to strike up conversation with me it ends within a couple of returns. I struggle to extend a conversation farther than a few seconds. Also the whole evening I was preferring I was at home.

The big question about this thread is why I do not fare well in social situations, I mean I prefer sitting in silence and just observing, I do not enjoy conversation and would much rather spend my evenings at home alone. But to succeed in this life, you must be able to converse and interact with other people, and to a degree enjoy it. This is where I fall short, I do not enjoy conversing with people, I am not good at conversing with people, and to an extent, I do not care what people have to say. I should also add that these are friends of mine that I cannot converse with, let alone strangers or meeting people for the first time.

I am considering seeing a professional and seeing why I feel the way I do and why I act the way I do. I was just seeking some advice from some others that may have some sound advice.

 

[MasochisticAvenger]

Yeah, it's called being an introvert. Don't worry, it's nothing to get to worked up over. If you prefer your own company that is all there is too it. Sure, it makes interacting with other people kind of annoying, but really the only way you'll get over that is with practice. Trust me though, it might be something you'll never truly be comfortable with.

Just remember, you are who you are. Just because some people can only survive by having their existence validated by other people doesn't mean that is who you need to be. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you feel like something is wrong because you genuinely wish to change, or because so many people have told you how you're living your life is wrong.

 

[Tiger King]

I wouldn't worry too much about this.
do you socialise much? if you don't you probably aren't used to being around people.
I remember a time I was working night shifts (for about a year) mostly by myself, it occurred to me one day that I was speaking aloud about 20 words a day a large chunk of that was "I'm off to work now"

anyway I found myself getting really agitated by not socialising but when I did get to see my friends I noticed it was hard to 'click' with them as I was so accustomed to being by myself. in hindsight Im glad for the money I made but I hugely regret the time I lost.

also just because you like having your own time to yourself dosent mean there is anything wrong with you.

 

[crazyrabbits]

There's nothing wrong with being the quiet type. Hell, there are plenty of women who love that quality in a guy.

If it's interfering with your ability to find work and socialize, though, perhaps it may be a good idea to talk to someone about why this is occurring. Maybe it's just that you need to go out with them more. I barely talked to people whenever I went out, and now I'm the "alpha male" of my group. It's nothing to get too worked over - just keep going out with them, and see what changes.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Like most have said, you're just an introvert. I'm no good in social situations either, going to a nightclub is my idea of hell and I just can't find anything to say in those situations. Not that anyone can hear you any way.

I do not care what people have to say. I should also add that these are friends of mine that I cannot converse with, let alone strangers or meeting people for the first time.

That's a pretty shocking way to think though. You don't care what your friends have to say? How did you make friends in the first place then? :/
If you don't care what they have to say, that's probably getting reflected in your conversations and making it harder to talk to people.

You have to listen to people and respond to what they're saying. Try not give one word answers and keep the conversation going, unless they're spewing all sorts of stupid crap at you. Take what they're saying and use it to keep talking for a little bit.

Like:-
"Hey, I haven't seen you here before!"
"Yeah, I'm a friend of [name]. We met at college/work/a party/a cat grooming contest."
"Oh college/cat grooming? What did you study/how fluffy were the cats?"
"We studied [subject]. Did you go to college?"

I find that to be the easiest way. I prefer having company of just a couple of friends but I can be friendly to people I don't know.
At the end of the day, it's fine to be an introvert too, but there's a few tips I used on talking to people if you want to use them.

 

[Parkway91]

That's a pretty shocking way to think though. You don't care what your friends have to say? How did you make friends in the first place then? :/
If you don't care what they have to say, that's probably getting reflected in your conversations and making it harder to talk to people.

Saying I don't care was probably the wrong way to describe how I feel. Its that having conversations with people is something I do not enjoy and that I do not care for it, regardless of what they may want to talk about.

I also think your point about extending replies is my most major downfall. I am very much a
'Hey, how are you?'
'Good thanks, yourself?'
'Good thanks...'

Unless they further the conversation it often trails off pretty quickly from there. I am just bad at talking to people.

I mainly ask this because I was wondering if I should develop these skills that don't come naturally to me as many aspects of your social and working life in the future is based around communication and if I'm putting myself to a disadvantage by being a happily introverted person??

 

[EeveeElectro]

-snip-

I kind of understand. You could try talking to broader people about stuff you both enjoy (games, TV shows, books, food etc etc). If you stick to people in clubs and bars you won't get much quality of conversation... lol.
I usually mention small details and go from there. Even if they asked what I did last night and all I did was sit watching telly I'd mention something I saw and asked if they watched it, or I'd start complaining about how the cat brought another 50 dead mice in and if they know how to stop cats from bringing me dead animals.

I would say you're at a disadvantage when it comes to getting a job. I was in a pissy mood and my manager was having a go at me saying "You get paid to be polite and chatty!" (although I don't get paid enough to force a constant smile when I feel like shite).
You can find jobs where you don't have to deal with people but you should limit yourself so much like that.

If all else fails, it's easy enough to bullshit being interested in people's lives. I'd try developing them any way means possible, but if you seriously can't then you have to appear to be friendly and welcoming to be considered for a job.

 

[Karhukonna]

Well, what sorts of things do you discuss? I never even try to carry on a conversation about something I'm not knowledgeable or interested in. It's really easy to strike up a lengthy conversation with a person who shares your interests.

Edit- Also, I reckon you could just take the whacko route and throw the conversation around without bridging it at all, it's quite fun and keeps the flow going.

 

[Noetherian]

I never even try to carry on a conversation about something I'm not knowledgeable or interested in.

If you play your cards right, those can be the easiest conversations. Let someone tell you about some obscure thing they're interested in and ask obvious questions. (Oh, how did you get into that? How long have you been doing it? Why is ___ so important-- no offense, I'm actually curious?) I'm not saying it'll be as engaging as a conversation about a mutual interest, but encouraging the other person to talk freely (and showing them you're not going to judge them for liking something "weird," be it reality TV, musicals, knitting, football, or whatever) is a great way to discover those shared interests. The worst-case scenario is that you'll have learned something, maybe even something funny or interesting or really out there, which you can then use to sustain a future conversation.

 

[Galletea]

I wonder if the problem isn't so much the socialising but the setting. Do you go out much in the daytime with just a few of you, or is it always drinking-socialising in the bar? Regarding actually conversing, if you're not interested in what your friends talk about then maybe you need to find some common ground with someone. Friends of friends you don't know much, you can ask them what they do and such like. Asking questions is a good place to start. For a lot of people their favourite subject to talk about is themselves. Usually they might ask about you, and then interrupt with a relevant tale.
It's all about practice.

Feel free to share any results of course.

 

[Hollock]

the fact that you were out with friends at all means youre doing ok.

 

[Parkway91]

Even with common interests and topics for conversation I am hesitant to start talking.

I wonder if the problem isn't so much the socialising but the setting.

Most of the time it will be an evening gathering, mostly out somewhere, sometimes at people's house, either place I am very quiet and sit quietly.

 

[the doom cannon]

I'm exactly like you op! I don't speak unless spoken to, and I don't go out of my way to meet random people. Best thing to look happy, approachable, and enjoyable is to smile and nod. And add a few 'yeas' to the mix. Works great with a talkative significant other too. I also have never been to a bar, nor do I plan on it. I don't see the entertainment value of spending money to drink something I won't enjoy, and sit around doing nothing. If I go out at night it's either for a group project, a house party, or a concert. Oh and dinner. Also, you may want to branch out from your friend group.

Despite what you may think, going out drinking and such isn't a requirement for living in this world and being successful. Try picking up golf, as that's a much more popular method of interaction in the business world. Also, if you're working at a company, find out if they have a casual sports team like beer league softball or something like that. If you're in college then might I suggest browsing your school's club listing and picking a couple to go to? You could easily meet new people this way who could be better social fits for you.

Sorry I haven't seen your other posts, could you enlighten me as to your current setting? Like college, working, out of school, etc.

 

[Parkway91]

-snip-

I am a 20 year old male from Australia currently in my third year out of highschool. Since highschool I have completed a Diploma of Music and am currently working as a trade painter with the intention of becoming a Linesman.

I was the same as I am all the way through highschool and my post-school education.

 

[the doom cannon]

-snip-

I am a 20 year old male from Australia currently in my third year out of highschool. Since highschool I have completed a Diploma of Music and am currently working as a trade painter with the intention of becoming a Linesman.

I was the same as I am all the way through highschool and my post-school education.

ok cool. Now let's see....where to go with this. I really am exactly like you, only instead of working and making myself useful I'm digging myself further and further into "the red" by going to college and studying something I don't particularly love because it might pay more.

Ok advice-wise. I manage to control my social anxiety, for the most part, by pretending to be interested in whatever conversations are going on, and just thinking about whatever comes to mind. Up until last year I spent my time in social gatherings thinking of new builds to try in Guild Wars while smiling and nodding. It worked pretty well. As for actually fixing the problem, well I honestly don't think it's a problem. You, like me, do not particularly enjoy social interaction outside of your comfort zone. For me, I was fortunate enough to meet several like-minded people in high school, and we all play LoL or Tribes or something like that nearly every day together anywhere from England to the west coast of the USA.

I would strongly suggest increasing the size of your friend group, because it sounds to me like you just don't have anything in common with your current one. Definitely try to meet people who have similar interests as you.

 

[Parkway91]

I would strongly suggest increasing the size of your friend group, because it sounds to me like you just don't have anything in common with your current one. Definitely try to meet people who have similar interests as you.

But thats the thing, I have interests that are shared among quite a few of my friends, but I do not even talk about it or even chip in when they talk about these shared interests. Be it Star Wars, sci-fi, scotch, hardcore music, videogames, cartoons, I will sit there and just listen.

 

[the doom cannon]

I would strongly suggest increasing the size of your friend group, because it sounds to me like you just don't have anything in common with your current one. Definitely try to meet people who have similar interests as you.

But thats the thing, I have interests that are shared among quite a few of my friends, but I do not even talk about it or even chip in when they talk about these shared interests. Be it Star Wars, sci-fi, scotch, hardcore music, videogames, cartoons, I will sit there and just listen.

Ahh ok. That describes how I was in high school. It's insanely difficult, but if you want to overcome that initial huge hurdle you have to just do it. It took me a change of setting to be able to do that, ie high school to college, and my college was halfway across the country specifically so that I didn't see the same people and it forced me to meet new ones. The following is probably the same advice that any professional would give you: you just need to do it, no matter how annoying or difficult it may seem.

Honestly though, it's not the end of the world if you don't really want to change anything. If stuff is just boring to you, then it will remain boring. I don't think anything can change that.

 

[Parkway91]

Honestly though, it's not the end of the world if you don't really want to change anything. If stuff is just boring to you, then it will remain boring. I don't think anything can change that.

Thanks a heap. I should go out and do it but I am very stubborn and set in my ways type of person. I enjoy how I am and how I spend my free time. But as far as meeting a significant other and helping my future in work I think I ought to give it a bit of a try. Its just that it is very contrasting to my nature which will prove the most difficult task.

 

[Callate]

If you're more comfortable observing, you might try making your conversation a part of your observing. Most people like answering questions about themselves as long as those questions seem like friendly or admiring interest rather than an interrogation.

 

[Parkway91]

If you're more comfortable observing, you might try making your conversation a part of your observing. Most people like answering questions about themselves as long as those questions seem like friendly or admiring interest rather than an interrogation.

Thats actually a really good idea. The only thing is do not enjoy talking to people, regardless what it is about. Im very very introverted.