Lost Causes

[Starik20X6]

Well, I'd sugge-

-snip-

... What this guy said.

Seriously, I used to be all "oh fuck I'm gonna be single forever waaah" until I decided that being like that was bullshit, so I went out and started meeting girls instead.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Ok, a bunch of things here to respond to and not a whole lot of time to do it in. I'll have to cherry pick a few here but I have read all of them.

1: I only like one kind of woman. An assumption rightly made because I got lazy just used what was in my Tinypic history rather than actually providing a bit more variety. To remedy here are a few that don't just fall in with the rest like last time;

Spoiler

2: I don't know really why I like them, other than the physical attractiveness. I mean, I can name things about them I like; like how I find Tsukiumi's over-proper speech really cute, or how playful and cuddly Holo and Sherufanir are/would be, or how proper and lady-like Helena is but its hard to nail down anything in particular I really "like".

3: I do actually take care of myself, unlike what some people were assuming. Keep my hair trimmed, bathe, dress somewhat decently (no holes in clothes etc.) etc. But I didn't get any natural good looks, and there is little trying to force myself to look better would do. Especially since the biggest thing can't ever be changed; my eyes aren't even - they're level but not the same size (and my nose isn't quite even either) which means my face is obviously not symmetric to anyone looking at it. All other things aside, something like that makes people automatically less comfortable and trusting of a person - its really easy to screw up a first impression that way.

4: Its not like I never tried to other things people might be interested in, but either I didn't like them or was so terrible at them that people didn't want me around. Everything from skiing (I was actually so bad at it that I was barred from coming back to the mountain because I was such a danger to other people) to lacrosse to writing, etc. There are only three things I've never been absolutely miserable at, and those are: school, video games and work. And once I got to college I realized I'm not really that good at any of those either, despite years of practice and trying (And of those I fucked up the ONE time I shouldn't have and because I did now I'm $60,000 in debt instead of $15-20,000).

5: Confidence/self-esteem has to originate in something. It doesn't appear out of nowhere or from nothing. If you don't have anything for it to come from, you don't really got it.

6: I've tried taking the "Well, at least I....." approach. But I could never come up with anything that I could do or had that almost any other guy I've met/known could do, in addition to having other things.

7: Yeah I have social issues stemming from growing up. Long story short; everyone including the girls beat up on me in elementary school, for middle and high school I went to a school where they were no girls (and was still picked on) at all and then went to college where the male female ratio was 9-1 when I started as a freshman. And the college was extremely competitive socially and absolutely brimming with the kinds of guys that make a quiet, nerdy guy like me look like something to peeled off your shoe.

I'd respond to more, but I'm kind of out of time for now. I'll try back later.

 

[Mr F.]

Well... Yeah.

Welcome to the real world. I will just send you what I just got sent by a mate.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-your-online-dating-profile-isnt-working/#ixzz2UursIaCi

We live alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter how perfect you are, you will end up like everyone else. Last girlfriend I had left me because she could no longer love me, never said what had changed, never said what I did wrong, and that was two weeks after my father died.

Yet despite that you will just bump into someone at some point. Would say work out but that is just as sexist as saying a chick should loose weight. Just try not to be unhealthy and try to end up with a hobby that you would find interesting. Like me, I am trying to learn the Guitar and get a new job so I can by a proper keyboard.

So as for anything? Good luck. Hope things work out. If they don't? I will see you one day in the singles club or one of those desperate adds in the back of a now dead medium (talking papers there bro). It could be worse, at least we have our health and mostly our happiness.

 

[Shock and Awe]

Well my friend, I guess I only have a little advice. If you want to change, it takes effort. The more change you want the more effort it takes. You wanna lost weight its usually as simple(for me at least) to eat less and exercise more. You want to get out and meet people, take up some kind of hobby that theres a social aspect to. I'm not going to pretend my advice is perfect, but I suppose its something.

 

[Marik2]

snip

lol you should watch haganai cuz this girl seems to fit your tastes


and pretty much everyone else said what I wanted to say

 

[James Rednok]

Lost cause. LOST CAUSE. Just forget about it. To quote my favorite Joseph Ducreux image: Disregard Females, Acquire Currency. You think it's hard having no love? Try having no partner AND no friends. All I have are the hollow laughs from funny YouTube videos and a stack of games that I just can't play anymore or to begin with (not even BioShock Infinite got me excited enough to lift a finger). Find what makes you laugh and just drown yourself in it. There's a big difference between being happy, and being content. I may not be happy, but I'm at least content enough to just not care about my ever-growing list of massive catastrophic social failures and plod on in life towards my eventual and imminent doom.

 

[Axolotl]

Ok, a bunch of things here to respond to and not a whole lot of time to do it in. I'll have to cherry pick a few here but I have read all of them.

1: I only like one kind of woman. An assumption rightly made because I got lazy just used what was in my Tinypic history rather than actually providing a bit more variety. To remedy here are a few that don't just fall in with the rest like last time;

Spoiler

I'm not sure how to put this beyond just saying that really isn't much variety.

2: I don't know really why I like them, other than the physical attractiveness. I mean, I can name things about them I like; like how I find Tsukiumi's over-proper speech really cute, or how playful and cuddly Holo and Sherufanir are/would be, or how proper and lady-like Helena is but its hard to nail down anything in particular I really "like".

This doesn't matter, searching for a specific type of woman is just a waste of time, just interact with people until you meet one you like. There's no need to specify ahead of time.

3: I do actually take care of myself, unlike what some people were assuming. Keep my hair trimmed, bathe, dress somewhat decently (no holes in clothes etc.) etc. But I didn't get any natural good looks, and there is little trying to force myself to look better would do. Especially since the biggest thing can't ever be changed; my eyes aren't even - they're level but not the same size (and my nose isn't quite even either) which means my face is obviously not symmetric to anyone looking at it. All other things aside, something like that makes people automatically less comfortable and trusting of a person - its really easy to screw up a first impression that way.

You've got problems you can't fix, that sucks but this isn't binary. Also trimming, bathing and not wearing holes with clothes in them isn't taking good care of yourself, it's the minimum to avoid looking like a tramp. You can always do more to look good, for a start learn to dress properly the majority of guys have all the fashion of a chimp even the smallest of effort will help you there.

4: Its not like I never tried to other things people might be interested in, but either I didn't like them or was so terrible at them that people didn't want me around. Everything from skiing (I was actually so bad at it that I was barred from coming back to the mountain because I was such a danger to other people) to lacrosse to writing, etc. There are only three things I've never been absolutely miserable at, and those are: school, video games and work. And once I got to college I realized I'm not really that good at any of those either, despite years of practice and trying (And of those I fucked up the ONE time I shouldn't have and because I did now I'm $60,000 in debt instead of $15-20,000).

Then try more things and don't stop just because you're bad at them, maybe if people force you to but the only way to be good at something is to do it.

5: Confidence/self-esteem has to originate in something. It doesn't appear out of nowhere or from nothing. If you don't have anything for it to come from, you don't really got it.

Perhaps making lists of how inadequate you are is not helping this at all.

6: I've tried taking the "Well, at least I....." approach. But I could never come up with anything that I could do or had that almost any other guy I've met/known could do, in addition to having other things.

Then do something that other guys haven't done. Go out and wander round until you see something that fun and cool and do it.

7: Yeah I have social issues stemming from growing up. Long story short; everyone including the girls beat up on me in elementary school, for middle and high school I went to a school where they were no girls (and was still picked on) at all and then went to college where the male female ratio was 9-1 when I started as a freshman. And the college was extremely competitive socially and absolutely brimming with the kinds of guys that make a quiet, nerdy guy like me look like something to peeled off your shoe.

Look here's a fun fact everyone gets picked on in school, everyone. Maybe you're picked on more than other people but it still doesn't make you special. If you past has left you with serious mental issues then seek professional help otherwise get up and move on.

I'd respond to more, but I'm kind of out of time for now. I'll try back later.

Don't, if you really want to stop this then don't. All you're doing is building justifications for your situations and why you can't change it. No matter what you say, what you think, it's not true, you can change. It may not be easy but it can be done and if you don't succeed at first that is no reason to give up. Even if you fail a million times giving up gives you no advantage. So if you really don't want to die alone stop whinging and bickering on the internet and go out and do something about it.

I don't know you're situation but I'd be willing to bet based on what you've said that I've been in worse and I can tell you that the only person that can help you is yourself and that whining won't change anything.

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

Even after being part of online dating for a year, I've never had anyone message me back; and the only message I've ever received has been from one of those fake "accounts" that try to get you to visit those "shopping" sites where they steal your personal info.

How to (possibly) succeed at online dating without really trying.

1. Join OKCupid. Answer questions.
2. Don't wear a fedora. Don't pose shirtless. Don't be an entitled douchebag.
3. Post about what interests you, particularly what you'd like to share with someone else.
(This can be pretty much anything. I've gone on a stupid number of dates because I can bake vegan pies. I'm in my current relationship because I noticed my now-girlfriend referenced a Dan Savage term.)
4. Message people who interest you, see if you have something in common.
5. Someone might be interested in you back. Chat a bit. If things go well, get coffee and talk in person.
6. After you meet, one or both of you might not be interested. Sometimes there's a connection, sometimes there isn't. If there's a connection, go on another date and repeat step 6. If there isn't a connection, go to step 4.

There are plenty of women who are into paintball, video games, and anime, though I wouldn't pose around half-naked anime girls. I actually don't think I know many girls who aren't geeks, but maybe my cabal of tabletop gamers, comic artists, and board game geeks is a selective sample.

You're also a student of some kind. What do you study? Do you take electives? What do you care about? What do you hope to be?

Don't be like these guys: http://itsnotokokcupid.tumblr.com/ It's a low bar, but don't trip under it. Don't listen to anyone who describes guys as 'alpha' or 'beta'.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

Only thing I will say is, if there is someone you like, have a pop. Its better to ask and be turned down than not ask at all.

 

[MrHide-Patten]

snip, snip, snip-aro

Don't worry dude, as you get older you 'standards' will slip and frankly any girl that will say "hi" to you will look drop dead sexy. But otherwise I know the feels.

I'm not socially competant (although going through tertirary education solved that a little), my hobbies and things I do for fun aren't great for pairs, and I don't parttake in a lot of the "trends" kids get into these days, with their Justin Biebers and Cocaine jello shots.

If you want to find a pretty lady, you got to have the means to find her. Make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, take up a new hobby or go to places where women who share your hobby might hang out. Mostly it happen buy chance, it's the Toaster effect, when you stop looking at it waiting for it to pop up, BAM there it goes.

TL;DR. Go out and find the ladies or entertain yourself in meantime.

 

[Phasmal]

It might be easier if you start identifying what you like in real women. You know those, people with thoughts and feelings and motivations other than being pretty for a viewer? If you can only point to anime as a description of what you like... it's not going to really help.

Don't assume things like women are only interested in men with money.
In fact, best to ditch all the `women are only interested in x` assumptions altogether, nobody is attracted to someone who sees them as a hivemind instead of a person.

Identify why you actually want a girlfriend and what you want from a girlfriend and what you can offer a girlfriend.

Try talking to women more, in a non-dating context. We're not scary. Knowing how to talk to women without being nervous will help.

Some people have a harder time dating than others, but writing yourself off as a lost cause isn't exactly a good idea.

 

[Lovely Mixture]

This doesn't matter, searching for a specific type of woman is just a waste of time, just interact with people until you meet one you like. There's no need to specify ahead of time.

Aren't you kind of projecting? He never says he's searching for that kind of woman, he's just saying that he can only think of fictional women in regards to what he likes.

They are unrealistic desires, but he only has those if he believes they exist in the real world.

 

[knight steel]

I know exactly how you feel 19 never had a girlfriend-never had a friend-never had sex-and you know what none of that is what truly bothers me,if I want comfort and love I have my Family,If I want to vent my sexual urges there is porn,no what really pisses me of is how people treat us like because of the fact that we don't have these things that we are somehow less or worthless or they like the rub the fact that they have these things and we don't.

But above all else-the thing that really fucking pisses me off-the thing that really really really makes me want to curbstomp people heads into the ground is their fucking advice it drives nails into me and show's me that the have absolutely no idea what position we are in:

1-"Oh just wait you will find the one meant for you",this one pisses me of the least it's naive and stupid and false hope but false hope is better than no hope,yeah there isn't a perfect match for everyone if there was nobody would end up dying alone.

2-"Go out to where women are and ask them out",If it was that fucking easy I would've done it already,all this does is lead to more rejection and hurt that is if you can even get the confidence to do this,worthless advice but it not worth stewing on.

3-"Be confident,change who you are be different and more appealing",oh this one get's it's makes me mad yeah because changing yourself is sooooooooooooo easy right like all you have to do is flip a switch and then bam you're all set,guess what personalities aren't so easy programmable they are ingrained into our very being,every moment and experience that makes us who we are,is driven into us they can't be taken out for some of us be different and getting confidence is impossible,and why the fuck should we change the get the basic love and attention thats everyone have to change who I am to get some love.

4-"You're just a whining pussy,no wonder you're just a sad sack of shit,fucking man up",I will gouge the eyes out their socket rapture their organs and shove my fist done the throat of any person who say's this to me in person and have then choke to death. IF you have went through what I have went through you wouldn't dare say any of those words you fucking arrogant fucking prick.

*sigh*

Goddammit I've become bitter about this,you know I'm actually starting to hate people who have a significant other-hell I'm starting to hate anyone who's not like me-to the point that I just want them to die.

*sigh*

Well it felt good to get all that out of my system now if you excuse me I'm of to watch some Anime, gorge myself on chocolate and slit my wrist's {not really but I feel like it}.

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

Snip.

I will agree that there's a lot of terrible dating advice out there. I worked as a moderator for a forum for a few years, and the worst advice comes from people who don't realize that other people aren't all them, that what works for them won't work for other people, and that other people aren't necessarially looking for the same things that they are. Lots of them have fucking stupid pet theories on social structures. They'll mention being friend-zoned, or how some kid shouldn't be a 'beta male'?I could dig up quotes. There's this bodybuilder forum out there with hilariously backward advice. We had a troll from that site who would constantly give young clueless dudes 'advice'.

You might understand why I quit.

As someone who's been in pain before, the subtle kind of pain where you basically live an empty existance, like a zombie, I want to say I have some recognition in your post. Here's the thing though: relationships don't necessarially make you feel less alienated. They can mask it for a bit, but that's ultimately something you have to deal with, either on your own or with someone who's qualified to help you. If you feel like killing yourself, that's probably a sign you should find some other way to cope or take care of your emotional health. I dunno. I hope I'm not giving you more bad advice.

While I'm not going to tell you that you're entitled to a relationship, or garanteed to be in a relationship, if you want to be in a relationship the numbers are in your favor. If you're looking to go on dates, I've had experiences with OkCupid. It's a weird site, but it'll probably match you up with someone who can understand where you're at.

I've got more to post, but break's over.

 

[knight steel]

Snip.

snip

Thanks so much for caring it really means alot, don't worry I'm already taking steps to fix myself [taking medication] basically I go through mood swings one moment deliriously happy-next wanting the kill myself,you just caught me in one of my bad moments which normally lasts about an hour or so but I'm feeling good now ^_^.

 

[Miyenne]

Why is everyone so hung up on having someone who has sex with them as their partner? Yeah sex is great and all, but there's so many other ways you can have a relationship with someone.

If you can't find a woman to fall for, or who will fall for you, oh well.

Find a friend. Male, female, or whatever in between. Spend time with them. Live with them if it's financially a better option.

My twin sister and I are 29 and live together. No boyfriends, and it's not that we're unattractive. We're just quite comfortable with each other and men fall a far second.

Is there anything wrong with that? Maybe that's what you should aim for. Love is just a bonus in life. Friendship's a necessity.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

I'am always slightly amused when people go around proclaiming they are a lost cause and all.

Just to give you a little bit of perspective:

* I'm three/four years older than you.
* I never had a girlfriend.
* I never had a crush on anyone or anything I'd designate as a crush at all.
* I refuse to partake in that stupid "dating-game" anyone seems to be so keen on doing.
* I'm a sexual deviant with an almost exclusive focus on things that are physically impossible.
* I did have sex twice and it bored me.
* I suspect that I have if not one, then several mental conditions that keep me from ever getting close to anyone. Not that I didn't want to, mind.
* I decided the last 6 years that I wouldn't really care about the above at all and just keep going, since, honestly, I really have much more important and much more pleasant things to do than try to worry about that kind of shit that is very likely to be set in stone anyway.

And despite all this, I always knew that I have to keep trying at somepoint, that I have to try and get around these things - at least to some degree - because, well, you'll have to try, right? Even if its just incredibly spotty patchwork. You simply can't win if you don't make a bet once in a while.

So: Lost Cause my friggin ass.

Now get up and do shit - the others have already told you more than enough of what you can and should do.

Also keep in mind what Miyenne said:

Why is everyone so hung up on having someone who has sex with them as their partner? Yeah sex is great and all, but there's so many other ways you can have a relationship with someone.

...because, you know, you should really ask yourself if you really want a girlfriend or simply someone you can talk and connect to. Because if its the latter you'll have a lot more much less messy, opportunities at your disposal.

 

[Jf0urnier]

5: Confidence/self-esteem has to originate in something. It doesn't appear out of nowhere or from nothing. If you don't have anything for it to come from, you don't really got it.

To quote a wise man named Hutch, "Esteemable acts are things that you can point to when you're looking for ammo against a brain that tells you your a piece of s%*t - you build self esteem by doing esteemable acts, not by willing it or thinking about it."

Really not much else I can think to add to the conversation; if you continually put yourself down, you're gonna feel down. If you're putting yourself in that situation, it would be a good idea to change that.

 

[IamLEAM1983]

Snip!

It's all been said before:

- Shake yourself up;
- Get in shape;
- Take a ride and actually do scope out the gals;
- For the love of God, DROP YOUR FETISH LIKE A BAD HABIT, ASAP!

All four of these things are going to be hard if you wallow in your current state. Don't go thinking you need to go from having some love handles to being a six-pack god, mind you. Get some good clothes, make sure your personal hygiene is top notch and most importantly, work on your interests and skills.

As to why this is relevant - mostly because being an Anime enthusiast isn't necessarily a decent conversation starter. I've met a lot of hot girls who didn't mind waxing Miyazaki with me; but I've also met others for whom My Neighbour Totoro was basically a kid's movie with about zero interest or relevance. Considering, make sure you've got several avenues of interest to exploit, not just the one thing you're currently passionate about.

Finally, girls aren't really into guys who commiserate or who lay down their personal problems, even if you happen to do so sedately. Make sure to spend as much time as possible *listening* to whatever girl it is you manage to spend time with.

Finally, don't skip steps, ever. Do things right and you'll first gain a friend. Enjoy that while it's not too complicated and while there's no emotional affects associated to it. If you're serious, it probably won't last forever. You'll eventually both start to want more meaningful exchanges; at which point you'll lose someone who might have shown tolerance for anything from your gaming habits to your fetishes and gain someone who's going to hold you accountable. Never forget this works both ways, and that relationships require sacrifices. Tons and tons of sacrifices.

 

[Winthrop]

Snip

Thank god someone pointed out a lot of that. He refers to woman as vaginas in that first quote of yours which is absolutely horrible. He goes on about how noone will like him for his appearance but then proceeds to imply he will only date busty blondes. He NEVER mentions that he ever does nice things for girls or explains what he could bring to a relationship but expects beautiful women to date him with no effort on his part to seek them out or to do anything to attract them. He seems to ignore the individuality of girls (saying no girls will like certain things) and generalizes them constantly in his post. If OP wants to get a girlfriend, he needs to get a more mature and less sexist view of women because women don't like when guys treat them like that. I'm a guy by the way if that is relevant.