Lost Confidence Entirely

[RedRockRun]

This is directed at those in the creative fields. Has anyone ever seen something so amazing, that you've felt like nothing you could ever do in your entire life could ever compare? It's not the first time I've felt this way, but it is one of the worst occurrences.

A bunch of you may laugh at this. Some of you may laugh heavily, but the first time I felt this way was when I heard about Homestuck. For some reason the very idea of it all scared me on this base, existential level. For so long, I've wanted to be a fantasy author who creates worlds, inspires imagination, discussion and all. One day a few years ago, I just hear about this sprawling webcomic that has a deep story, lots of complexity, and is written, illustrated, and even animated by a single person, loved by so many. I felt all this shame well up that I was so useless by comparison. Who would possibly care about my garbage? And on the internet especially when the prevailing attitude seems to be "TL;DR". I've hated myself for a long time because I can't draw. Yes, I've attempted it, but such attempts never last long, as I'm so quickly filled with despair and self-loathing, that it's too much to bear. The guy seems so young too. I can't even think about it without my head getting filled with insecurities. Yes, I know it's destructive to compare myself to others - especially creative works which are so difficult to objectively compare, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming. A lot of the time, they're not even thoughts but waves of feelings throughout my body making me feel like I'm sick to my stomach or making me light-headed. It's delusional; I know. The webcomic known most for exploitable memes and silly pop culture references, I know I know I know... But I want what he has. I want people to care about what I do, and I want that kind of body of work. I want to feel like I mean something, and that my ideas aren't just bargain bin knock-offs which no one will ever care about. Of course my worries are delusional, and I've even made progress in fighting them, but I got another critical hit to my self-esteem today.

I'm sure you've all heard of "Undertale" and how amazing it is. I feel like all my delusions about Homestuck have been made manifest, given Undertale is sitting at #1 on PC Games for Metacritic. Go figure that it was created by Toby Fox who also does music for Homestuck. I feel sometimes as if the universe engineers these sick little coincidences just to torture me. Why do I care so much? Why does thinking about this game fill me with dread? I watch videos of the game, and I think to myself that I could never write that well, and my ideas could never be as interesting. I feel like absolute filth - a pretentious worm. How many prospective writers think that their works are great? 100%? How do I know I'm not as delusional about the quality of my writing? That every positive, healthy thought I've ever had concerning my alleged "talent" isn't a complete lie and me bragging to myself? I can't bring myself to work on my own stories most of the time too because it all seems pointless. Now, why bother at all? I'll never be as loved as Andrew Hussie, and my ideas will never become a game, much less a #1 on Metacritic game. I can't code. I can't draw. All I can do is think stupid, little thoughts.

You'd think with such elegiac resignation that I'd be fine with just giving up, deleting everything on my Google Drive, deviantART, forums I've posted things to, etc. but I can't do it. There's still this stupid hope inside me, making me believe that one day I'll metamorphose into someone efficacious who will finish stories and books and whom people will enjoy reading and discussing. Being a writer feels like my destiny, like the only reason I have for justifying my existence. Without that, why not just kill myself now?

It's a difficult, convoluted dialogue which is swirling around in my head right now. Sorry for the pollution.

 

[Barbas]

Yeah, if you compare yourself to other constantly then you'll never be as happy as you should - there's always going to be someone better if you're among 99% of people, isn't there?

What you've described sounds like one of the most common plights of artists. What isn't talked about much, from what I've seen, is the work part that goes into a work of art - the blood, sweat and tears. When you go through these frustrations, treat it like any other necessary part of the full artistic experience. And if you want feedback on something, feel free to drop someone here a line. I'm certainly happy to read something you've written or look at something you've drawn and give suggestions.

 

[RedRockRun]

Yeah, if you compare yourself to other constantly then you'll never be as happy as you should - there's always going to be someone better if you're among 99% of people, isn't there?

What you've described sounds like one of the most common plights of artists. What isn't talked about much, from what I've seen, is the work part that goes into a work of art - the blood, sweat and tears. When you go through these frustrations, treat it like any other necessary part of the full artistic experience. And if you want feedback on something, feel free to drop someone here a line. I'm certainly happy to read something you've written or look at something you've drawn and give suggestions.

I'd thought about it, but I don't know where it would be okay to post fiction. I've wanted to transplant a choose-your-own-adventure style story I'd started on another forum to somewhere with more eyes, but again, I've no clue where.

 

[Barbas]

Yeah, if you compare yourself to other constantly then you'll never be as happy as you should - there's always going to be someone better if you're among 99% of people, isn't there?

What you've described sounds like one of the most common plights of artists. What isn't talked about much, from what I've seen, is the work part that goes into a work of art - the blood, sweat and tears. When you go through these frustrations, treat it like any other necessary part of the full artistic experience. And if you want feedback on something, feel free to drop someone here a line. I'm certainly happy to read something you've written or look at something you've drawn and give suggestions.

I'd thought about it, but I don't know where it would be okay to post fiction. I've wanted to transplant a choose-your-own-adventure style story I'd started on another forum to somewhere with more eyes, but again, I've no clue where.

Months ago I posted two threads called "Forum Fiction". Someone sent me their short story and I posted it in a thread along with an interview with them. We could always do that, if you like. All it requires is for you to send me along something and answer a couple of questions. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

If you don't want that sort of exposure, you can always post a link to it in the chat of the Escapist Creative Society [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/The-Escapist-Creative-Society] and someone'll probably give you some feedback. You can put anything in there, like writing, drawings and music.

As for somewhere to upload the full work, Google Docs is a pretty suitable candidate - you can pop something up there and set it to edit-only so anyone with the link can read it.

 

[RedRockRun]

Yeah, if you compare yourself to other constantly then you'll never be as happy as you should - there's always going to be someone better if you're among 99% of people, isn't there?

What you've described sounds like one of the most common plights of artists. What isn't talked about much, from what I've seen, is the work part that goes into a work of art - the blood, sweat and tears. When you go through these frustrations, treat it like any other necessary part of the full artistic experience. And if you want feedback on something, feel free to drop someone here a line. I'm certainly happy to read something you've written or look at something you've drawn and give suggestions.

I'd thought about it, but I don't know where it would be okay to post fiction. I've wanted to transplant a choose-your-own-adventure style story I'd started on another forum to somewhere with more eyes, but again, I've no clue where.

Months ago I posted two threads called "Forum Fiction". Someone sent me their short story and I posted it in a thread along with an interview with them. We could always do that, if you like. All it requires is for you to send me along something and answer a couple of questions. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

If you don't want that sort of exposure, you can always post a link to it in the chat of the Escapist Creative Society [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/The-Escapist-Creative-Society] and someone'll probably give you some feedback. You can put anything in there, like writing, drawings and music.

As for somewhere to upload the full work, Google Docs is a pretty suitable candidate - you can pop something up there and set it to edit-only so anyone with the link can read it.

Yes, that would be fine. Like or dislike, I just want people to see my work. I want to build an audience, and I want to build confidence in myself. I'll probably take both of those options. Thank you, by the way! I didn't know those things existed here.

 

[Barbas]

Yes, that would be fine. Like or dislike, I just want people to see my work. I want to build an audience, and I want to build confidence in myself. I'll probably take both of those options. Thank you, by the way! I didn't know those things existed here.

Happy to help! I can't send PMs from a proxy connection (I'm doddling around in college ATM), but feel free to hit me up any time.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

There are two "healthy" ways you can look at this situation.

The first is to stop comparing yourself to other artists and only compare yourself to how you were last year, this way, you're only seeing improvement and it does wonders for your inner peace, provided you put in the work to see noticeable improvement over the year. Eventually, you'll probably match those artists you never thought you'd match and you won't even realize it or care.

The second is to welcome the comparison, but instead of feeling defeated, take it as a challenge, tell yourself "This is what I'm going to be able to do someday", again, if you put in the work, you'll do it, those amazing artists didn't get there effortlessly in a day and neither will you.

Also, at least from what I've seen, creative types are much more critical of their own work than anyone viewing it. That Hollywood stereotype of the artist flying into a rage and completely destroying their own work after one tiny comment from an observer exists for a reason.

--------------------
Also also, have an inspirational quote from an extremely talented writer (this is one of my favorites).

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
― Neil Gaiman

 

[1981]

Not sure if there's anything worthwile I can say, as I'm the very opposite. But what you said reminded me of something someone once told me. When U2 was looking for a singer, all of the people that showed up for the audition were terrible. Not sure if it's true or why they picked Bono, but I don't have trouble believing he sucked. Maybe they just went for the one that sucked the least and decided to try giving him singing lessons. When I later listened to their music, something clicked. You don't have to be the best. In fact, you can suck pretty bad and still make an impact.

 

[RedRockRun]

Thank you all for replying. Initially I didn't think anyone would touch this thread. *group hug*

To be honest, I don't know why I get so terrified like this. I get the jealousy aspect, but there's this hard to pin down feeling that makes me think that success and talent are a zero sum game. In other words, the more amazing Undertale is, the less talented I am. I know it's wildly ridiculous. Neuroses hardly ever make sense. I just feel so threatened for some reason. This would all be fixed if I had some confidence in myself, but I don't. Ever since I was little, I've thought the deck was stacked against me. I was one of those kids who had elaborate little rituals to prevent bad luck - as if I could alter fate by stepping on certain floor tiles or thinking certain thoughts.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

First of all, from the sound of things you have some anxiety and self esteem problems. I'm not saying this as a criticism, I'm saying this so that you know that what you're thinking probably has nothing to do with your writing, and your doubts are just being fed by anxiety and self-esteem issues.

Secondly, and I'm not trying to be discouraging, but you're probably not going to become Andrew Hussie. Getting his level of popularity is absurdly hard, and comes a combination of a decent amount of ability, and a lot of luck. Don't set the bar on whether you should be happy with your life on whether or not you're as successful as Andrew Hussie. That's setting yourself up for... well exactly that.

Keep writing, you seem to enjoy it a lot. Spread around your work as much as you can. There's some great advice in this thread for that. Take criticism without letting yourself take it to heart. If you take it personally you are crippling yourself as a writer. Look at these people who are successful, and whose work you admire and try to look in them for inspiration. Find out what they do that makes their work good and try to adopt it into your own writing.

More than anything, don't put everything into a difficult to achieve goal. You want to people to enjoy your work, and that's an admirable goal. Just don't a strict requirement for how many need to. If one person enjoys your work, great, you've just made their lives a little better. Whatever you do, do it in a way that you're happy regardless whether or not you make it big.

 

[Thomas Barnsley]

as if I could alter fate by stepping on certain floor tiles...

Heyyyy, I used to do that too!

I'm guessing you're a bit like me. In fact, for all your self doubt, you expressed the actual feeling of self doubt remarkably well. And do you know why I think that is? Passion.

Pretty much most people who have succeeded in a big way have had more to say on the topic than just 'meh'. You're clearly passionate (for want of a better word) about your insecurities, which is why you can express them well. I'm sure the Homestuck creators are passionate about the issues in Homestuck, which is why they do well. Entrepreneurs passionate about money - they do well. Sceintists passionate about science - they do well. Both me and my sister took piano lessons as a kid. I stopped, and now remember only like four bars of the Halo theme. She continued and now knows multiple tunes from multiple games/movies pretty much from memory, that she can play beautifully. Is she better than me overall? I don't think so. The difference is that she has passion for music, and I never did. She enjoyed practice, I avoided it. Simple as that.

Why I think YOU need to do, is find a passion that your swirling thoughts can just flow through, almost without you trying. Impossible? Well obviously it isn't going to be that easy, passion isn't about things being easy. Even finding that special something can be frustratingly elusive all by itself. And if you do find it you may overlook it, perhaps because it isn't a 'cool' passion and you'd rather be passionate about something 'cool' like the stuff in Homestuck. Stuff that has drawn attention. But that won't work, because being a flawed human being it's not possible to hardwire yourself like that.

The bottom line:
Try to stop being concerned about how little attention you get, and start concerning yourself with ACTUAL THINGS. You seem to be envious of others critical acclaim; no one becomes critically acclaimed with that kind of motivation. It must come as a byproduct of you doing what you feel truly passionate about!

Now, maybe you do feel passion, maybe I'm misjudging you. I know it's a stuggle for me however, and most of what I'm saying here is based off of what I say to myself; like I said we seem similar in a superficial sense. I'm just grateful because I know many very supportive people who are perfectly willing to tell that I'm good[i/] and special, even if they are probably lying or throwing out half-baked praise to make me pay attention to them instead of myself.