Major guy best friend problem. Please help.

[ambaspam]

This is pretty long, so bear with me. And yes, all the little details are important so you can get a better understanding of the situation.

I've known this guy for almost 3 years. We first met because my ex happened to be best friends with him and his girlfriend at the time until a whole messy situation occurred that I won't go into. After all that drama happened we lost touch for a while.

We were relatively good friends before, but we didn't really start talking until February of this year. I contacted him first to see how he was doing and we just continued talking after that. We've pretty much talked everyday since then. It started out all fun and flirty, we exchanged "sexy" pictures and always joked about sex.

However, the first time we hung out, just me and him, we did almost have sex but didn't because we had a little alcoholic incident. We didn't let that stop us from enjoying the rest of the night though. We ended up cuddling when we finally laid down to sleep. The next day everything was still good. In fact, we almost had sex again after a game of strip poker, but had no condom. That was fine, we just hung out the rest of the day. He was really touchy though. Not in a perverted way, he just kept rubbing my arms and legs, he was just really sweet the whole day. When he got ready to leave that night, we had an extra long hug and then he was gone.

A few days later, I sent him a long text and told him that I liked him. (Probably stupid to say it in text, I know, but considering he lives 2 hours away and we rarely see each other I felt it necessary). I told him that he had nothing to worry about though because I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship since he just got out of an 8 year relationship, I just thought he should know. He was cool about it, he just said that he thinks we are better off as friends and what happened would probably not happen again because he didn't want to ruin our friendship. We even ended up hanging out that day because he just so happened to be in town, and surprisingly enough it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be.

That was all about 6 months ago. We haven't hung out since, but we do still text pretty much everyday. It's just not the same though. He used to flirt and compliment me allll the time, and now he's constantly calling me a lesbian and a ****** lover (no offense to anyone) and I just don't understand it. I think he's just joking when he says that stuff, but it hurts me when he does it because he knows how I feel about him.

I have freaked out a couple of times about everything that has happened, and he's cool about it every time. And he makes it that much harder to get over him. I know I should just accept that we are just friends, but a part of me really believes that there is more between us. Not just because of what happened that night, but because of stuff that happened even when we were still with our exes. Nothing bad, just the connection we had. He even said not too long ago that we have chemistry, that's why I'm so confused as to everything that's going on. Can anyone help me understand? Am I just over thinking everything? Should I just let it go? Or what?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Liek omg friendzone!!!11!

On a serious note:

Stop this "friendship".

I'm going to have to be brutal. Why are you even friends? It sounds like he just wanted to use you for a bit of fun, a bit of fap material and I'm gonna assume because he doesn't like you in a romantic way and can't be arsed with a long distance relationship he's trying to stop your friendship by means of constantly insulting you.
He sounds like a massive prick from what you've described who thinks it's okay to fuck with women's feelings.
Your feelings for him is what's stopping you from moving on and being happy with someone else which is the most destructive thing about it.
You don't deserve a "friend" like this, he sounds like an immature little boy. I assume it's always you initiating the texting?
I'm going to assume he likes the idea of having someone he can bend at will. He probably enjoys knowing there is someone who really likes him, feed his ego a bit more.

He's playing with your feelings. If you've made your feelings known and he carries on upsetting you, just cut all ties with him. A friend isn't someone who makes you feel shitty about yourself.

I don't want to think the worst of him or offend you but I've dealt with little gits like him before and terminating our friendship was the best choice I made. Completely cutting off all contact will make it so much easier to get over him too.

He says you have chemistry yet had his chance to take things further and didn't. His loss, sucks to be him. It's time to start looking for a man that is actually worth your time and likes you as much as you like him. Being stuck on this loser is holding you back from meeting a decent boyfriend.

 

[ambaspam]

There's no initiating the texting. It's been non stop conversation since the first time we started talking. Here lately I've been going hours, even days without responding to him, and when I do he usually replies right away. Yes, the insults hurt because he seems so serious. But to be fair, we do have insult wars, so I know it's all in fun. And it's not like its constant insults, we do have normal conversation as well. I'm well aware I'm in the friendzone lol and that's what sucks. He's not playing with my feelings though, he's done nothing to lead me on after I told him my feelings. We had a moment and it wasn't right. I honestly don't know if he was embarrassed about what happened or if he really just doesn't feel that way about me. But the way we were talking before he seemed genuinely interested in me, so that's what is so confusing to me. I'm not going to cut all contact with him, because regardless of all the crap, he is a good friend. And it's not like I'm so hung up on him that I can't move on. I've been with other guys since then. I just haven't found one that I like yet. I appreciate the advice though. Most of what you said is true, but you don't know him like I do. He is a good guy, I just told you the stuff that has been bothering me about him.

 

[EeveeElectro]

There's no initiating the texting. It's been non stop conversation since the first time we started talking. Here lately I've been going hours, even days without responding to him, and when I do he usually replies right away. Yes, the insults hurt because he seems so serious. But to be fair, we do have insult wars, so I know it's all in fun. And it's not like its constant insults, we do have normal conversation as well. I'm well aware I'm in the friendzone lol and that's what sucks. He's not playing with my feelings though, he's done nothing to lead me on after I told him my feelings. We had a moment and it wasn't right. I honestly don't know if he was embarrassed about what happened or if he really just doesn't feel that way about me. But the way we were talking before he seemed genuinely interested in me, so that's what is so confusing to me. I'm not going to cut all contact with him, because regardless of all the crap, he is a good friend. And it's not like I'm so hung up on him that I can't move on. I've been with other guys since then. I just haven't found one that I like yet. I appreciate the advice though. Most of what you said is true, but you don't know him like I do. He is a good guy, I just told you the stuff that has been bothering me about him.

I find the best way to get over someone is to cut off all contact, and I want you to be able to find a nice gentleman to spend your time with.

I insult my friends and they do it back but if it's constant I feel like there's some underlying hatred there for me.
If you've told him some of his comments hurt and he carries on, that's not nice at all and I wouldn't consider that a good friend but I don't know what has been said to him or how much he knows.
If he's having any problems he could talk to you, but some people can't open up so easily and don't know how to deal with their emotions.

Well I hope it works out for you and you find the right guy. I hope he cuts down on making you feel bad and focus more on being a good friend to you.

 

[Lilani]

That was all about 6 months ago. We haven't hung out since, but we do still text pretty much everyday. It's just not the same though. He used to flirt and compliment me allll the time, and now he's constantly calling me a lesbian and a ****** lover (no offense to anyone) and I just don't understand it. I think he's just joking when he says that stuff, but it hurts me when he does it because he knows how I feel about him.

I just want to point out how horrible this sounds, out of context. There is such a thing as making casual racist jokes, but if it's making you uncomfortable then clearly either he's forgotten the boundaries or he just doesn't care. If what he says is making you uncomfortable, then I don't think you should hesitate to tell him so. Don't let it bottle up so you freak out on him, just be assertive the next time he does it. Just text him back and say you really don't appreciate that.

His reaction to that should be a bit of an indicator as to whether or not he actually cares about you, even as just a friend. Because if he does care about you then he'll stop, but if he doesn't want to stop or he somehow tries to spin it back to you then I think that's a sign he's using you. Friends do not deliberately insult other friends, and being unwilling to back off when that line is crossed is a good sign they aren't a friend you want to keep around.

As for what you should do about him, I think you need to meet with him and find some closure. Just arrange a lunch or hangout with him and ask what's going on between you. Get a straight answer from him. If he doesn't like you that way, ask if he ever might, and then decide how you feel about that. Decide if you can live being friends with him, or if it would just be too much to handle. Either way is the right way, you need to do what's best for you and your sanity. And if he does reciprocate your feelings, then still figure out what's going on with those texts and make sure he isn't just using you. It doesn't matter how much chemistry you two have--if you're more invested than he is, then there is no way it will end well for either of you.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

He used to flirt and compliment me allll the time, and now he's constantly calling me a lesbian and a ****** lover (no offense to anyone) and I just don't understand it. I think he's just joking when he says that stuff, but it hurts me when he does it because he knows how I feel about him.

Even as a joke it's a token of his tastelessness.

Can anyone help me understand? Am I just over thinking everything? Should I just let it go? Or what?

I think you've really made it clear you want more than just friendship with him. We dudes tend to respond to that. If he hasn't, he's just not that into you. It happens.

I know you think he's a good guy and all that but the chemistry thing and all that you say he drops now and then yet will not act upon it sounds like he's more of a tease/lead than anything else.

 

[ERaptor]

You need to think about what you want. If you cant get over him, talk to him about a relationship and what you'd like to have. He can either commit, or back out. Either way, you'll know what's up.

On the other hand, since the situation seems to bother you a lot, you might cancle the whole thing outright. The best hing to get over stuff like that is starting something else. I.E. go out and flirt, meet other guys, etc. Speaking as one, there's a LOT of other guys out there, and certainly a lot less scumbags than your guy. (****** lover, and / or Lesbian, even jokingly...no.)