Mixed Signals?

[Kakashi on crack]

So I've had this friend for about of a year and a half now, we hang out and such about every day, but around September, they started showing some body language/hang out with me personally instead of us as a group, and its got me quite confused.

I'm rather confused because I hang out with basically people of varying sexual prefrences, and this girl (I use the term girl because we're teens) has made it very clear to me that she's lesbian.

The thing is, its hard to explain really but the way she reacts sometimes contradicts what she says, and she's made small hints suggesting she might be interested in me, mostly physical instead of verbal. It's not just myself who's noticed it either, some of my friends/siblings have noticed it too. She makes her reactions a little more clear during the DnD parties I host (yes, I'm a nerd)

I like her, and I've sorted through my feelings, its more like a building love-related bond, has nothing to do with lust, and I've been making hints at it for a month or so now. At a christmas party I ended up getting her a gift, and they fell asleep at the party (it went until 2 in the morning...) and left the gift there, so I'm confused about whether it was an accident, or on purpouse, and won't see them until the break is over. I'm thinking I'm overreacting, but still... (Give me some paper, and I can write up a emotion-filled love poem, put said person that its for in front of me and I'll stutter and scratch out the words. I'm horrible at verbalizing what I'm thinking/feeling.)

Admittedly, they take anti-depressants because of a genetic disorder, but I don't want to think those are involved somehow in the way she reacts.

Anyways, I really do like her, and I've been confused about whether or not they've been showing the same feelings, or if they are just messing around. Also been confused about whether I'm over reacting a bit about some of these things. Thing is, I'd like to have an actual relation with the person, but I'm fine with just being friends. (mind you I'd be the friend who acts as a relation shield and doesn't let anyone he thinks is below them through)

I've had a few small relations, but never these kind where I actually felt a sort of bond for the person, and admittedly I've got of a different way of thinking from the main crowd, so I'm not entirely sure if its just the way I think that suggests it or not. Any advice on the situation would be appreciative, though I'm not fully sure how I'd react to tips/reasurrences I get from the internet. XD

 

[Aurgelmir]

First of all I am wondering is how old you guys are?
From my experience girls can SAY they are Lesbians, but that doesn't make it 100% of the truth. I have had several female friends who claimed this, but would still be into guys.
Some people also like being different, and will proclaim being gay to stand out.

Now back to why I asked about age: I asked because what I said above has often been true for younger girls (late teens, early 20ies).


PS: Let it be known that I am not saying this girl cant be gay, at a young age. I am just statin my experiences with similar situations.

 

[Kakashi on crack]

First of all I am wondering is how old you guys are?
From my experience girls can SAY they are Lesbians, but that doesn't make it 100% of the truth. I have had several female friends who claimed this, but would still be into guys.
Some people also like being different, and will proclaim being gay to stand out.

Now back to why I asked about age: I asked because what I said above has often been true for younger girls (late teens, early 20ies).


PS: Let it be known that I am not saying this girl cant be gay, at a young age. I am just statin my experiences with similar situations.

We're in the 16 to 17 age range, hence with them saying what their sexuality is, and their body language/how they talk and such, it creates a lot of mixed signals that I was hoping someone here could help me sort out to an extent. (probably too much to ask from the internet, but it was worth a shot I figured)

They aren't one to crave attention though, in fact they generally avoid trying to get attention most of the time. (some of her friends on the other hand... but that's a story for another time.)

 

[Aurgelmir]

Attention isnt the same as feeling different.

Anyways, Physical contact (in the platonic way) is good. Thats Hugs, etc.

How does she react to that.

Oh and don't be creepy about that

PS: Why do you call her "They"?
I assume English isn't your mother tongue? But They in most lanugages is a very polite way of referring to someone. If you want to progress here, you need to be able to cal her she
At least in English, where it jsut end up sounding very creepy

 

[Kakashi on crack]

How does she react to that.

Oh and don't be creepy about that

PS: Why do you call her "They"?
I assume English isn't your mother tongue? But They in most lanugages is a very polite way of referring to someone. If you want to progress here, you need to be able to cal her she
At least in English, where it jsut end up sounding very creepy

Hugs and such, most of the time she usually reacts... not sure how to describe it, but in a positive way. (when she's recently taken her medication she tends to be either more clingy than normal, or doesn't want to deal with anyone though.) She does mention I'm one of the few guys who will willingly hug her in public without feeling embaressed. heh ^^

I refer to her as they a lot because its more or less a habit I'd like to get rid of. Every time I've referred to someone as her, or she around the household my family (specifically older sisters/parents) generally comes to an assumption before even knowing them/who I'm talking about. (As has happened with a lot of my friends who were simply friends.) So unfortunatly I've developed the habit of referring to people I know who are women as they a lot to prevent my family members from over-reacting. (which in turn kinda reflects in what I type and such)

 

[zombiesinc]

If you're really uncertain about this, you could simply ask her if she's ever been attracted to guys, and would even consider being with one. You two are friends, and she's stated openly that she's gay, so I don't think it's something that crosses any imaginary lines.

From there, you should know whether or not these physical signs means anything. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to flirt with others, sometimes even especially if they're not interested. May not be the case, but it's something to keep in mind.

Ultimately, if you really aren't sure, you could simply bring your confusion up. Let her know that you're getting mixed signals from her, and see what she says. It's the most accurate and striaght-forward way to deal with these questions.

 

[Kakashi on crack]

Right, mustering up the courage to talk about it and sort it out on a personal level... Good thing I have until January. I can listen just fine, but I'm pretty bad at speaking... (we talk a lot, but usually not about things like this, heh.)

 

[Naheal]

I'm not sure if this works with women who claim to be lesbians, but I often find myself using the "I'm asexual" shield to deflect interested parties. It lets me pick and choose who I'm interested. Sounds like it's the same thing with her. How long has this been going on?

 

[Kakashi on crack]

How long has this been going on?

About 3 months, give or take a few weeks, though I've been good friends with her since... December last year probably.

EDIT: It's worth it and all, and it has to be something extremely awkward for me to be affected by it, it's just I'm a verbal coward so I have to muster up some courage every once in a while to ask things without coming accross as a jerk, especially things that are more personal.

 

[Naheal]

How long has this been going on?

About 3 months, give or take a few weeks, though I've been good friends with her since... December last year probably.

EDIT: It's worth it and all, and it has to be something extremely awkward for me to be affected by it, it's just I'm a verbal coward so I have to muster up some courage every once in a while to ask things without coming accross as a jerk, especially things that are more personal.

It sounds like she likes you as a close friend, but that's really it. Have you tried asking her out?

 

[dmase]

I know too many people who take pills or have taken pills for a social, emotional, or mental condition. Those people usually have a problem to go along with whatever they are being medicated for bi-polar,manic, etc. It makes their actions and what not odd and random with explanations that don't always make sense to them. So that is a possibility but if she is in her teens she isn't a confirmed lesbian.

Guys its a bit easier to tell but women that would otherwise be straight have a habit of acting out of the norm. I guess its some need for physical affection and less of a taboo for experimenting. Talk it over next time you two hang out alone. You might wanna imply your interested in a relationship so she doesn't get scared off if you pose it as a question. You know are you interested in me doesn't really sound like your interested. I'd go with something similar to: I've enjoyed hanging out with you a lot recently and i was wondering if you wanted to take this farther than friendship. Not necessarily what i would say but something of that variation would probably be good, from your OP you seem good enough with words to put something together.

 

[BonsaiK]

So I've had this friend for about of a year and a half now, we hang out and such about every day, but around September, they started showing some body language/hang out with me personally instead of us as a group, and its got me quite confused.

I'm rather confused because I hang out with basically people of varying sexual prefrences, and this girl (I use the term girl because we're teens) has made it very clear to me that she's lesbian.

The thing is, its hard to explain really but the way she reacts sometimes contradicts what she says, and she's made small hints suggesting she might be interested in me, mostly physical instead of verbal. It's not just myself who's noticed it either, some of my friends/siblings have noticed it too. She makes her reactions a little more clear during the DnD parties I host (yes, I'm a nerd)

I like her, and I've sorted through my feelings, its more like a building love-related bond, has nothing to do with lust, and I've been making hints at it for a month or so now. At a christmas party I ended up getting her a gift, and they fell asleep at the party (it went until 2 in the morning...) and left the gift there, so I'm confused about whether it was an accident, or on purpouse, and won't see them until the break is over. I'm thinking I'm overreacting, but still... (Give me some paper, and I can write up a emotion-filled love poem, put said person that its for in front of me and I'll stutter and scratch out the words. I'm horrible at verbalizing what I'm thinking/feeling.)

Admittedly, they take anti-depressants because of a genetic disorder, but I don't want to think those are involved somehow in the way she reacts.

Anyways, I really do like her, and I've been confused about whether or not they've been showing the same feelings, or if they are just messing around. Also been confused about whether I'm over reacting a bit about some of these things. Thing is, I'd like to have an actual relation with the person, but I'm fine with just being friends. (mind you I'd be the friend who acts as a relation shield and doesn't let anyone he thinks is below them through)

I've had a few small relations, but never these kind where I actually felt a sort of bond for the person, and admittedly I've got of a different way of thinking from the main crowd, so I'm not entirely sure if its just the way I think that suggests it or not. Any advice on the situation would be appreciative, though I'm not fully sure how I'd react to tips/reasurrences I get from the internet. XD

In my experience there's two types of lesbians:

1. The type who likes girls, not guys
2. The type who says "guys are annoying/a guy was mean to me/men are scum, therefore, I'm a lesbian".

Best way to find out which one applies is to go right up to her and say "I'm totally cool with being your friend, but just letting you know, I'd totally want to be your boyfriend if you weren't a lesbian" and then list the reasons why. If she's got any inkling towards straight-ness, she'll let you know either at that point or at some time down the track. If not, then hey, no big deal, you've already acknowledged that she's off the market thus saving her the trouble of pointing it out to you. This may seem sledgehammer-blunt but to be honest it's the best and least painful way I can think of to deal with it, and you'll still be friends afterward no matter what as long as you don't be an asshole about it.

 

[Erana]

I'm not sure if this works with women who claim to be lesbians, but I often find myself using the "I'm asexual" shield to deflect interested parties. It lets me pick and choose who I'm interested. Sounds like it's the same thing with her. How long has this been going on?

Please don't in the future; its hard enough for us to make others understand that people being asexual doesn't mean we reproduce by budding.

Really, though, sex is a pillar of our culture. Flirtatiousness is a common way to interact socially, especially for young people. Hell, I'll say flirty things, though mostly for humorous effect. I try to make it clear that I'm asexual, and that I'm trying to be funny, but a lot of people don't take precautions and just expect others to be able to tell if they're wanting you or simply socializing.