Moral/Relationship Help

[mitchell271]

So, I set up a mixed-gender sleepover last week. Just a few close friends, one of which I really like. 2 of my friends come over at about 4 and we're hanging out playing Rock Band, Little Big Planet, etc. I come up with a crazy idea to ask out the girl I like to prom using French Toast and spelling it out in cinnamon (I thought it was interesting and I've been told that the more inventive, the better; don't judge me).

Later, she gets to my house and she calls over the other girl and says she has good news. Her on-again-off-again ex-boyfriend (which she she broke up with for the last time a year ago) asked her to prom using the iOS app Draw Something. I hear that and she makes it pretty obvious that she's ecstatic. So, for the rest of the night, I try to stay happy and not show my resounding defeat at the hands of a guy I've never met.

Which brings me to my question: would telling her, "I hope it works out for you two this time." even though it's killing me, be wrong in any way? I know I have to give up on her now, so please don't comment on that.

And please keep the trolling to a minimum.

 

[Vegosiux]

You know, there's the thing. Being polite and being sincere are not the same thing.

You decide which one you want to be if you can't be both, that's just the way it is. Not saying it's an easy call, but it's a call you ultimately need to make yourself. I always pick sincerity over politeness, but I can tell you, that often rubs people the wrong way.

 

[Haunted Serenity]

The saying nice guy's always lose is false. Be the nice guy, be honest about what you say but don't say what your heart truly feels. Say I hope you have a good time and I'm happy for you. Meanwhile while you are being the awesome guy who is nice, kind and there for her. The person she happens to be with might make a mistake and mess things up, make her upset, really throw a wrench into the relationship and she starts looking at him with disdain because here you are being the nice awesome guy who is there for her and not doing the wrong thing and mr on again-off again is being a moron. He now he has slid the favour towards you without you doing anything other than what is expected of all propective mates. You being the good guy is who she turns to. This goes for both sexes roles reveresed to.

Rule of thumb here is never actually say what you want to say unless it's a one on one conversation with no chance of backfire. Rare I know but trust me it saves alot of fights and drama by keeping your mouth shut on certain things.

 

[Phasmal]

Which brings me to my question: would telling her, "I hope it works out for you two this time." even though it's killing me, be wrong in any way? I know I have to give up on her now, so please don't comment on that.

And please keep the trolling to a minimum.

Depends. Can you keep your feelings out of it? Can you just be a friend to this girl?

Right now, she wants to be with her boyfriend for reasons you may not understand, but it doesn't mean its not important to her. Have you made your feelings clear to her before?

Hanging out being nice in the hopes of getting something more is just pretending to be a friend, don't be that guy. Consider whether or not you could deal with just being her friend. If you have feelings for her you shouldn't hide it, it nearly always backfires and thats when you get dudes moaning about imaginary friend zones.

For now, be nice. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with admitting you were disappointed and you were going to ask her out, letting her know how you feel about her if she already doesn't know. But then add that you hope the best for her and her guy.

 

[Galletea]

For now you will either just have to be happy for her, and grit your teeth and get through it, or you could mention that you were going to ask her, in an equally creative fashion. Then you could at least gauge her reaction, and if you make it more of a casual statement and make it clear you're happy for her, then it shouldn't ruin your friendship. It will however make things a little weird between you for a short while.

 

[Smooth Operator]

There really is nothing to say, that relationship is her thing and before you can get anywhere she needs her stuff sorted out.

Now as some suggested you could try and tell her how you feel and then she will avoid you for the next few months, or you could just leave the beehive well alone, either way the feelings you have for her will be yours to deal with.
I find it best to set the current infatuation aside and meet other girls that will divert your attention, otherwise we tend to obsess over people and that isn't good for anyone, trust me I've been on this rodeo a few times.

 

[Ihniwid]

Which brings me to my question: would telling her, "I hope it works out for you two this time." even though it's killing me, be wrong in any way? I know I have to give up on her now, so please don't comment on that.

You answer your own question mitchell. If it's killing you that she is with this other guy, then saying "I hope it works out" is essentially a lie. Your motivation behind said lie is to prove to her that you're better than grovelling for her to go to prom with you instead of him. But that is exactly what you are doing.

Listen amigo, I don't know you and you don't know me, but we're both guys and as guys we tend to want what we desire in spite of all the reasonable alternatives. You only have two options:

1. You tell her how you really feel. This includes saying two things. First, that you want to be with her. Second, that you are willing to wait if it is necessary.

2. You don't tell her anything and you leave her alone. Being the nice guy, the friend, never works out. And in the end it will hurt far more than cutting it all off now.

Good luck.

PS - The french toast idea was sweet and thoughtful. Don't let a failed attempt ruin your romantic side. Keep being creative and you'll do well in this love business.

 

[mitchell271]

That actually made me feel a lot better about the situation and get an idea of what I should do.

-snip-

Especially that one

Thanks guys

 

[gazumped]

Don't really know why you have to say anything about it at all?

When I got together with my first boyfriend back when I was 16, my friend who was lonely and obviously had a crush on me told me he was very happy for us both. He said it over msn so there wasn't even any tone but I automatically read it as upset, insincere and a little bit passive aggressive. And obviously it bothered me enough that I still remember that 8 years later.