More Asshole Ex-Stepdad Problems.

[adakias]

Okay, been home about two weeks since a recent nightmarish experience. [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.246521-Very-very-serious-problem-please-please-help] The whole backstory's there, and it's long. Suffice to say he's kind of a horrible person... and I personally think he's hit a new low.
So okay. Summary. This jerk had three kids with my mom, ages 14, 7, and 3, and I love 'em to death. My mom had a heart attack last Christmas (on Christmas morning; no lie), and I haven't moved out yet so I can help out. She recently remarried, but I'm still sticking around because he works and those littluns are a hassle. Money's been really tight since her new husband, though an extremely sweet guy, just doesn't have a good job, and her health makes us worried about her going back to work... plus there's the little kids to think about. Daycare's expensive.
Anyway. She gets $500 child support (it'll raise to $650 in January), court ordered, so it's not an optional thing on his part. Not really much at all, but what can you do, right? Most of it goes to utilities and rent. Well, the ex decided he "didn't have enough money" and refused to send any this month, and he wasn't sure when he'd be able to send any again. Yeah, in December. Y'know. Christmas. I'm personally appalled, and my mom's freaking out. I'm really worried she'll have an angina or another heart attack (with the medications she's on, she basically can't have another fatal one, but it'd still be scary). He's a horrible, horrible person. I've tried to get a part-time job, but no one's hiring. Oh, and also, he's driving over 500 miles to come get the kids for Christmas visitation on the 26th (I feel guilty about it, but I just can't go through that again; the 14 year old won't go either). Gas is expensive, you know. Shouldn't food and shelter be more important than that?
Note that his parents are loaded. They bought him a rather nice car. If he asked, they could loan him the money. It's obvious he's doing this all out of spite. The worst part is how powerless we are. First of all, we live in separate states, and that makes this more difficult. Secondly, from what I can tell, we have to wait 30 days to file anything, and then it'll just be on record. He's not working so they can't garnish his wages or taxes or anything. We have no idea when he intends to send anything. If it accumulates to $5000 debt, there's a chance of imprisonment, which would be great, but that would only happen if he didn't pay until July.
SO.
What can I do? Should I say anything to him? I really don't think he gives a crap about me, though he acts like it... I dunno if he'd care about what I have to say. Am I even justified in being upset? I doubt there's any other legal action we could take at this time, but does anyone know if I'm right about this 30-day thing? Would that be the proper course of action? We don't have any family we can borrow money from, so that's gonna be hard. It's a very scary, very sad situation, and I just don't know what I can do to fix this, or if I even should try. I really don't know what to think of this, so advice would be so super awesome. I feel so whiny right now. I hope I don't sound whiny. ._.;

 

[burningdragoon]

Wow, that's a terrible, terrible situation. I would've said maybe try to appeal to his family, but then I read your other post. I don't know the law really well or anything, but it doesn't really sound like you have many options. Him getting sent to jail sounds good, but that's a long wait, especially since you need the money. I would think if this keeps up your mother could get full custody so you wouldn't have to worry about him being with your siblings.

I think confronting him would at best do nothing and at worst antagonize him (more?) so I don't know if saying anything is a good idea.

You'll probably just have to do your best to hold out until you can take some kind of legal action and keep looking for work and looking after your siblings. Sorry, I really don't have anything else to say.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

This may sound hard to do, and you may not predict the consequences, but lock the door on him. Tell him by not giving them the money he's excluding you, so it's best you exclude him.

Please, think this over a lot if you do it.

 

[dmase]

This may sound hard to do, and you may not predict the consequences, but lock the door on him. Tell him by not giving them the money he's excluding you, so it's best you exclude him.

Please, think this over a lot if you do it.

Legally if he's allowed to get the kids and they want to go with him then he is allowed to get them, if not they don't have to(as far as i know). He can lose custoday if he doesn't pay but that requires going through the appropriate channels.

OP: There are legal defense lawyers across the nation that handle cases like this, most are run through some minor charity, but for the most part unless they go to court their advice is free. You just have too look, i'd suggest the nearest big city + free legal advice child support into google and see what comes up. Get a phone number and make a call or have a meeting.

 

[CounterAttack]

This may sound hard to do, and you may not predict the consequences, but lock the door on him. Tell him by not giving them the money he's excluding you, so it's best you exclude him.

Please, think this over a lot if you do it.

I would agree with this. Considering that he's going to spite everyone by refusing to pay the compulsory child support, (literally) shutting him out of your family's lives until he resumes the payments.

Alternatively, is suing him for the payments an option due to the court order?

Off-topic: I don't know if my comments are plausible due to my lack of experience and/or knowledge. I read your previous thread about this, but I'm not sure if I tried to help with that at the time.

 

[jumjalalabash]

Well with the child support at least just keep talking to the judge in charge of the issue and they will force the money out of him in time. Also try to convince your siblings to stay the hell away from him. Screw him and his crazy ass family.

 

[Hashime]

Well, good luck with that. Just keep tabs so you can sue / get a restraining order if needed.

 

[lizabeth19]

Snip

First, try and cut back where you can.

- Does your mum (mom?) drive your siblings to school? Is the school within walking distance or close to public transport? How dangerous is your neighbourhood? If there is no danger that a mobile phone can't fix, get the fourteen year old to walk her younger sibling(s) to school. It will save on petrol.

- Purchase or scavange from building sites some clear plastic and use it to cover your window. This should limit changes in temperature that occur through windows, even if they are double-glazed.

- Try limiting the amount of meat and take-away you eat. There are some great vegetarian receipes on the internet. Make use of them. Substitute some kind of bean into your meals to replace the protein lost through the meat. If time is an issue make the food in large batches, enough for four or five extra night-time meals and freeze them for later meals.

- Start buying in bulk cheaply. Look around your area, at least up to two hours round-trip. Are there any nearby places that sell in bulk? Are there any places that sell cheap vegatables, meat or staples such as rice, pasta or flour? Investigate, ask around. Organise with other families you know so that you bulk-buy and then divide up the costs and products.

- Turn off all electronic equipment when not in use. Only listening to the TV? Turn it off and listen to the radio instead. Not using the computer? Turn it off at the power-point.


Second, find some way of keeping afloat financially.

- Get in contact with volunteer associations that deal with families in financial distress. Tell them your situation. Ask them if there is any way they can help.

- What about your mother's current husband's family? Do you know them? What are they like? What kind of financial situation are they in? Is there any way you can get a short-term loan from them? If not, is there any necessities such as food or toiletries you can buy through them cheaply? Can they help out through baby-sitting your siblings? Ask your current stepfather these questions. If he thinks it could help, approach his family.

- Do you know your biological father's family? Can you approach them about a short-term loan or any other form of help? Ask them the same things as you asked your current stepfather's family.

- Finally, as a last resort, approach your ex-stepfather's parents. Tell them your situation. Avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as blaming their son. Avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as your mother's bad parenting. Yes, this is embarassing and could potentially be used against you. This is why it is a last resort. Don't do this unless your family is about to become homeless.


Third, contact the lawyer that organised your mother's divorce. Expensive, yes, but you need to know what your legal options are. Tell zie your situation. Ask them what is possible in your state from a legal perspective. Ask them if it is legally possible to withhold custody from your ex-stepfather if he doesn't pay his child support.


Fourth, reduce stress for your mum in other places in her life. Try to keep the house as tidy as possible. Could you take over responsibility for the meals? Washing up dishes? Washing clothes? Organise with your siblings and current stepfather to reallocate household tasks. Make it so she doesn't have to do anything around the house. Try and reduce any arguments between your siblings or your mother amd you. This should increase her ability to deal with your ex-stepfather.


You did kinda ask for advice...I hope this helps.

 

[adakias]

Wow, that's a terrible, terrible situation. I would've said maybe try to appeal to his family, but then I read your other post. I don't know the law really well or anything, but it doesn't really sound like you have many options. Him getting sent to jail sounds good, but that's a long wait, especially since you need the money. I would think if this keeps up your mother could get full custody so you wouldn't have to worry about him being with your siblings.

I think confronting him would at best do nothing and at worst antagonize him (more?) so I don't know if saying anything is a good idea.

You'll probably just have to do your best to hold out until you can take some kind of legal action and keep looking for work and looking after your siblings. Sorry, I really don't have anything else to say.

Yeah, appealing to his family is definitely out. They're nuts. Before the divorce, his parents had mentioned that they'd help pay for college as long as it was in-state. After he moved out, none of them would have anything to do with me. I couldn't get a dorm, I didn't even have a car, and he was like "well, take a bus." There's no way any of them would do anything. Legally, it doesn't seem like there's much we can do, but I'm not exactly a lawyer either.

This may sound hard to do, and you may not predict the consequences, but lock the door on him. Tell him by not giving them the money he's excluding you, so it's best you exclude him.

Please, think this over a lot if you do it.

Not much I can do about the younger kids, but I can tell you I'm going to have anything more to do with him. I have no legal obligations to him at all. He adopted me so I have his last name, but that's the only connection I have (and when I get an extra $75, that's changing, too). That's the most I can personally do. The 14 year old is sort of on the same page. My mother and I try not to get her involved in all this legal stuff, because child support isn't exactly something she needs to worry about, but for all the other reasons, she really wants nothing to do with him...

snip

Legally if he's allowed to get the kids and they want to go with him then he is allowed to get them, if not they don't have to(as far as i know). He can lose custoday if he doesn't pay but that requires going through the appropriate channels.

OP: There are legal defense lawyers across the nation that handle cases like this, most are run through some minor charity, but for the most part unless they go to court their advice is free. You just have too look, i'd suggest the nearest big city + free legal advice child support into google and see what comes up. Get a phone number and make a call or have a meeting.

Basically this. The older sibling sort of has a say; like, if she doesn't want to go at Christmas, I don't think he'll force her. But the other two have to go regardless, or he can hold my mother in contempt of court.

I was thinking something like that, but I don't know if anything could be done anytime soon. Regardless, this definitely seems like something that just needs to be done.

snip

I would agree with this. Considering that he's going to spite everyone by refusing to pay the compulsory child support, (literally) shutting him out of your family's lives until he resumes the payments.

Alternatively, is suing him for the payments an option due to the court order?

Off-topic: I don't know if my comments are plausible due to my lack of experience and/or knowledge. I read your previous thread about this, but I'm not sure if I tried to help with that at the time.

Makes sense, it's just the whole pay-to-visit thing may drive him to start something legally, and we just can't afford a lawyer right now.

After 30 days we can file a report, and if he continues to refuse to pay, we may can. The biggest problem is that he lives in another state. I'm not sure exactly how that affects everything, but it seems to complicate things.

Well, good luck with that. Just keep tabs so you can sue / get a restraining order if needed.

Thanks. God, a restraining order would be so great. Honestly, if we could get by without the child support until June/July, then I'd hope he wouldn't pay, just so we could take serious legal action. At that point it'd be considered a felony and he could be locked up, and we wouldn't have to worry. Shame things aren't easier.

snipsnip

The siblings are homeschooled, so that saves on that at least. We don't live close to the school, and there aren't buses running through our neighborhood (it's not rural, just sad).

My current stepfather's family is just as bad of as we are. His father lives a couple houses down, and he's been helping out as much as he can, but he just doesn't have much else to give.

My biological father was one of the abandon-y types, and I haven't heard from any of his family since I was about six-ish. He was a deadbeat, too, hilariously. He relinquished his rights so he wouldn't have to pay. If this current loser would do that, at least the kids wouldn't have to be around him.

And the ex's parents are psychotic. Like, seriously. I had to spend Thanksgiving with them, and they were so passive-aggressive/just outright rude.

God, if we could contact that lawyer, then we so would. The lawyer said she hated him so much, that if he ever got a job and they needed to get rebudget the child support or whatever the hell the legal term was, she'd do it for free. Unfortunately, that's not what's happening here.

Other than those points, you gave some really sound advice. I'm gonna have to try a lot of that. ^.^

Thanks to all of ya'll. <3

 

[vento 231]

Well your mom shouldn't have chosen such an asshole in the first place, luck of the draw you know, sorry about your situation.

 

[lizabeth19]

For the brevity's sake, in this post I will now be calling your ex-stepdad deadbeat asshole or DBA for short.

My current stepfather's family is just as bad of as we are. His father lives a couple houses down, and he's been helping out as much as he can, but he just doesn't have much else to give.

If he live closeby, have you thought about moving in together? It would reduce or eliminate the amount of rent your mother would be paying or provide your step-grandfather with a source of income if he own his house. Second, it would share the utilities bill between three (four?) working adults. Third, it would be another pair of hand to care for your siblings. Of course there would be downs-sides. There would be less privacy, less space and you might have to share a room with some of your siblings. But this would help with finances.

And the ex's parents are psychotic. Like, seriously. I had to spend Thanksgiving with them, and they were so passive-aggressive/just outright rude.

First, let me make this clear: I did read your inital post about DBA's family. I understand mentally that interacting with them is like some kind of hell within a hell. I sympathise.

But if DBA keeps not paying childsupport, your siblings will suffer. IF YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED ALL OTHER OPTIONS you will need to approach DBA's family. Yes, it will be demeaning and embarassing. Yes, there will be some price involved. But, if it is between homelessness and pride then your mother, stepfather and you need to sacrifice your pride for the sake of you siblings.

God, if we could contact that lawyer, then we so would. The lawyer said she hated him so much, that if he ever got a job and they needed to get rebudget the child support or whatever the hell the legal term was, she'd do it for free. Unfortunately, that's not what's happening here.

No, but you need to know what your options are. This lawyer knows and cares about your family. She knows your mother's divorce settlement. She knows family law. Legally she could suggest that would force DBA to pay child support. Contact her via email or over the phone. Explain the situation fully. Emphasis that DBA's refusal to pay his childsupport is causing undue financial stress.

Right now DBA is acting and you are reacting. You're on the backfoot, the retreat. You need to find a way to fight b ack or go around him to get the money.

Other than those points, you gave some really sound advice. I'm gonna have to try a lot of that. ^.^

Thanks, I'm glad that I could help.

 

[Erana]

I can totally relate with you here. Its not the exact same thing, but there are a lot of similar themes going on, like "treating wife like she's a crazy, lazy *****," "use childsupport to manipulate ex" "Plays poor so as to not pay, while having a way to still have a large financial support system."
This all just sounds so uncomfortably familiar.

And I don't know why, but part of me still loves him. Parental relationships are just so damn difficult. At least with his being your step father, you don't have that inexplicable tie. Except that your siblings do, which still makes it hard for you.

But your siblings will grow up, and you all will eventually be able to get him out of your life. Just grit your teeth when you have to be around him, and try to do what you can to avoid conflict with him. (It sounds like he's the kind of person who will raise Hell if he's not happy.) Just don't over antagonize him for your siblings. I know its hard to not do, but it will spare your siblings some emotional baggage.

I've been here, and the one thing I can tell you is that things will get better.

 

[adakias]

Well your mom shouldn't have chosen such an asshole in the first place, luck of the draw you know, sorry about your situation.

Shotgun wedding situation. She never really liked him, I think, but she tolerated him for the sake of the kids.

If he live closeby, have you thought about moving in together? It would reduce or eliminate the amount of rent your mother would be paying or provide your step-grandfather with a source of income if he own his house. Second, it would share the utilities bill between three (four?) working adults. Third, it would be another pair of hand to care for your siblings. Of course there would be downs-sides. There would be less privacy, less space and you might have to share a room with some of your siblings. But this would help with finances.

We've been talking about that. His mortgage is almost paid off, so that's one plus. The problem is that it's a three bedroom house, and there'd be 7 people. But that idea has been tossed around a bit.

First, let me make this clear: I did read your inital post about DBA's family. I understand mentally that interacting with them is like some kind of hell within a hell. I sympathise.

But if DBA keeps not paying childsupport, your siblings will suffer. IF YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED ALL OTHER OPTIONS you will need to approach DBA's family. Yes, it will be demeaning and embarassing. Yes, there will be some price involved. But, if it is between homelessness and pride then your mother, stepfather and you need to sacrifice your pride for the sake of you siblings.

That's true. It feels like it would be kind of pointless, but I mean, you're right. If that ends up being our only option, we'd have to do it.

No, but you need to know what your options are. This lawyer knows and cares about your family. She knows your mother's divorce settlement. She knows family law. Legally she could suggest that would force DBA to pay child support. Contact her via email or over the phone. Explain the situation fully. Emphasis that DBA's refusal to pay his childsupport is causing undue financial stress.

Right now DBA is acting and you are reacting. You're on the backfoot, the retreat. You need to find a way to fight b ack or go around him to get the money.

I suppose... another issue is that we moved, like, 2 hours south of where she is, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to call.
Also, DBA may be the greatest acronym I've ever heard.

I can totally relate with you here. Its not the exact same thing, but there are a lot of similar themes going on, like "treating wife like she's a crazy, lazy *****," "use childsupport to manipulate ex" "Plays poor so as to not pay, while having a way to still have a large financial support system."
This all just sounds so uncomfortably familiar.

And I don't know why, but part of me still loves him. Parental relationships are just so damn difficult. At least with his being your step father, you don't have that inexplicable tie. Except that your siblings do, which still makes it hard for you.

But your siblings will grow up, and you all will eventually be able to get him out of your life. Just grit your teeth when you have to be around him, and try to do what you can to avoid conflict with him. (It sounds like he's the kind of person who will raise Hell if he's not happy.) Just don't over antagonize him for your siblings. I know its hard to not do, but it will spare your siblings some emotional baggage.

I've been here, and the one thing I can tell you is that things will get better.

Aw, that really sucks. I hate this kind of thing, but it seems so common nowadays. It's a shame people are such losers.

It's good that you still love him, because he is your father and all, I suppose. You're right, though; there's no connection here, probably due in part to the whole 'step-' thing. But he and I have never seen eye to eye. There's been moments here and there where we got along, but our fundamental philosophies have always been different. The 14 year old seems to feel that way, but she tends to keep quiet about that, probably because she doesn't want to disagree with me. It makes me sad, because I think she's taking this whole thing really hard. The other two are just too young to really understand the gravity of the situation....

I do my best to not talk about him badly (if at all) in front of the kids, because I don't want to add anymore emotional confusion to their issues. It's tricky, and stuff like this always makes it way harder. And you're absolutely right about the 'raising hell' thing. I'm confident that that's what this whole situation is probably about. He's bitter and immature.

Thank you. It's good to know that there's hope. ^__^

-

Okay, ya'll are awesome. Oh, and guess what? My mom tripped and fell yesterday and was unconscious for about 30 seconds. She went to the hospital last night, and they found nothing wrong brain-wise. Today she's having pains in her right side and it hurts to touch, so she's gonna go back just in case.... so I've got a day of babysitting ahead of me.
It never ends, does it?

 

[Bourne Endeavor]

Basically this. The older sibling sort of has a say; like, if she doesn't want to go at Christmas, I don't think he'll force her. But the other two have to go regardless, or he can hold my mother in contempt of court.

I was thinking something like that, but I don't know if anything could be done anytime soon. Regardless, this definitely seems like something that just needs to be done.

You may wish to look into this because I believe it could be an incorrect assumption. By not paying child support, he is already violating a court order. I know someone who is in a similar situation, wherein the father refused to pay and she countered by refusing to allow him to see their son. The only difference is the son was old enough to make that decision himself. So I suppose that could be a qualm for the younger kids. I know for a fact your fourteen year old sibling cannot be forced to visit him.

It is a terrible situation mate, and I wish you the best. Unfortunately there is not much I can say beyond what has been mentioned.

 

[Cupid]

Lots of people end sending child support when they are out of work. If you have no money, what is there to send? It's perfect for getting out of such a situation. You say his parents are loaded, and I'm sure they are taking care of their little boy, but sadly it seems their little boy never grew a set and stepped up to the plate and take care of his children. What kind of person does this kind of shit. This just makes me so angry. In your case, I have no clue of what you may do legally, but imo the most important thing is to keep your mom calm and try to make the best of what you guys have (which is eachother) and especially through the holidays. It's just a shitty situation, but try to remember things can be so much worse, and I am happy that your mom is doing well and is on medication. The holidays are stressful enough then to try to deal with such things that sound bigger than you in the way that really, what can you do? You can try to talk to him and just express how hard it is or has been and the danger all this stress puts your mom in. What the hell will happen if she gets sick again?! Why do people not think of those in their lives that matter or should matter the most? I'm sorry everyone, including you have to be a part of such things. I always try to think to do my best, because every little thing will help. Just be there for your mom first and formost and your siblings. I hope things will work out for you guys sooner rather than later. I'm sorry I have no other really good ideas for your tough situation. Just keep strong for your family as best you can.