My gf's dad hates me.

[Firia]

Well is there a reason he hates you?

Why does he hate you?

Even an overprotective dad needs a reason to hate you...so what is it? If you aren't honest, no one can help you manage the relationship.

I haven't slept with her yet, so he's never walked in on us.

Ding ding ding ding!

you're a guy. He's a guy. He was once your age, and knows what he wanted at your age. To him, you're not good enough already, and on top of that, you're just one giant raging sperm waiting to impregnate her. But he probably respects her enough to let her date you reguardless of his own ire, enough to simply give you flack, and instill terror in you to help prevent you from screwing up... by which I mean, screwing her.

You're in a tough spot. But nothing worth while was ever easy. So, if she's worth while, tough it out. Respect the father, reguardless of how much beef he serves you. He is her dad, no matter how much she eye rolls him, or claims to not care for him.

 

[cameryth]

no, i dont think that he hates you just to hate you, you said your her first real boyfriend and that shes had a lot of crap boyfriends before, so i'm thinking he is just going off past experience. all of them were creeps and douchebags so he assumes you are, despite how much longer you have been together. just ignore it and care for her, and eventually he should approve.

 

[GiantSpiderGoat]

Have sex with the father. I promise it will stop any tension between you two.







Well there maybe will be sexual tension.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well 9/10 times the dad will hate you, mostly because he remembers all the nasty stuff he was doing with girls.
And now you're doing all that to his precious princes... no good

But you can simply avoid him, it's not like hes part of the relationship.

 

[lariat37]

All I can say is that it DOES get better ...eventually.

He may not ever LIKE you, but most dads will at least tolerate you once they eventually recognize that you make their little girl happy.

 

[loremazd]

A year? Ok give me the exact age here, is this a 13/14 year old thing, 14/15, maybe?

i mean then it'd be a little understandable, after all she'd be closer to 10 then 20. Otherwise he's just being really wierd, and I kinda get why his wife left him.

 

[00slash00]

I'm sure that this isn't exactly rare. Her mom likes me and we get along great, but her dad really has it out for me. I mean he's threatened to call the cops, and hunt me down and all sorts of stuff like that. Luckily he hasn't gotten violent because I'd really hate to have to beat down my gf's dad. XD

Anyway, her parents are separate, and it's not like I have to see them all the time, but it's just annoying that it seems like I have to jump through hoops just to date her because she's amazing and I really like her. The only problem we have is her dad.

Any ideas/suggestions for dealing with a hostile parent? I've heard of parents hating gfs too, so I guess this could apply there as well. Normally I get along well with my friends/gfs parents, he's the only one that seems to have a problem with me.

out of curiosity, is her father asian? im not trying to racist but when ive dated asian girls, with traditional asian parents, they have ALWAYS hated me. girls with parents of american or european descent, always love me (like seriously, if i break up with a girl, her parents are usually about as upset as she is) but if her parents are asian, then they always straight up hate me. the mothers are usually more accepting but they both seem to hate me

other than that, sounds like her dad is just a prick

 

[Shrifes]

A year? Ok give me the exact age here, is this a 13/14 year old thing, 14/15, maybe?

i mean then it'd be a little understandable, after all she'd be closer to 10 then 20. Otherwise he's just being really wierd, and I kinda get why his wife left him.

You stole my question with that post. I've found that age difference tends to have more weight relative to the age of those involved. In an earlier post MasterOfWorlds stated that he is in college so I would have to assume that the one year difference is relatively inconsequential.

I was confused, so I kept asking what was wrong and why she was crying. Apparently, the other girl we both knew, told her that I had manipulated her into...certain things on the webcam.

I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago and had plans to spend the next day with both my girl friend and the other girl. It was not fun at all.

Note: I didn't cheat but had a rather frank discussion about sex that admittedly crossed some lines.

 

[thedeathscythe]

How old are the two of you? And do you think there is anything for him to be worried about you? I'm not in university and I'm 20, I'm just working and living it up, so when I date a girl, and if I meet her parents and they know this, sometimes they'll be sketchy about me, but they won't really do anything too bad. That's just what I find for myself. Look at yourself as a person and say "would I want my daughter dating him?" and think up any reasons why not, and that's probably why.

 

[helldragonX]

I know how you feel man, I GF's dad has hated me for a long time. Weird thing is he used to like me. But after 4 years of his crap, and him emotionally abusing his daughter, the hate is mutual. But I know why he hates me, It is because I taught his daughter how to stand-up for herself, AND I support her in her decisions.I'm such a bad person, Supporting my GF in her endeavors.

 

[Kinguendo]

Better than him loving you, that shit would be fucking creepy.

 

[Azrael the Cat]

One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older (I'm in my mid-30s). The guys who were/are sexist jerks are also the same guys who get incredibly protective about their daughter. Part of it is that they think their own behaviour is normal, and so their daughter's b/f is going to treat her the same way that they treat women. But it's also a mindset about gender that encourages it.

Guys like that tend to divide women into slut/angel cliches. They're the guys who think that men have way bigger sex drives than women (in your teens that's actually the case, as sex is often still kind of painful for the girl, and the guy isn't going to be able to go long enough or be experienced enough to make things worth their while...that and guys are hormonally at their peak in their late teens, whereas girls tend to catch up around 20 and well and truly overtake around 30 - around the same age that they dump all pretence of wanting to put up with a guy who is selfish in bed). Because they see women as sluts or angels, every woman they have a one night stand with is a 'slut' (as in their view there's something 'wrong' with women who have equal or greater sex drives, as it contradicts their views on what genders are supposed to be like). They might make an exception for their long-term partner (their special on a pedestal perfect little angel), but they'll still view them that way if the relationship ends.

If you're viewing the world like that, of COURSE you're going to be terrified of your daughter having boyfriends. If women are all either sluts or angels, you're going to make sure your daughter is wearing a freakin armoured and padlocked pair of steel jeans - no matter HOW much she's likely to become poorly socialised and underconfident by lack of relationship experience. Ironically, if taken to the extreme it's likely to backfire. I don't have links on me, but I've read a number of sociological and psychological studies showing that when it comes to parental control EITHER extreme turns out bad - set no boundaries and your kid will FIND boundaries to push, and it isn't going to be pretty. Control the kid's life and they won't gain the experience they need to learn to be adults.

Not saying the guy is like that, but if we were to take the most favourable interpretation of the circumstances that's not an uncommon event. I actually dated a girl like that - still a friend of mine - except in that case the father had actually been molesting the girl when she was younger. Ugly, yeah. And he had the nerve to be possessive enough to try to stop her from dating guys. Of course, that's an extreme example and not representative (though sadly, less rare than we'd like to think). But I've seen other less extreme situations where a parent's attitude reflects mainly on seeing their own failings in other people.

Of course, for all I know, you might be a major creep and he might be doing exactly what he should be doing.

 

[Snipers-edge]

Essentially what everyone else has said. You didn't give us the slightest reason as to why he would act this way towards you. Other than him just being a complete dick, I feel there is more to this than you're telling us.

He ever walk in on you two?

Well, I am her first real boyfriend. I say that because I'm the only boyfriend she's had that lasted more than a few weeks. She's also sort of introverted and has self confidence issues, so he might be thinking that I'm using that to take advantage of her, which I'm not.

He's just worried that I'll hurt her, which, as I said just a few moments ago, I can understand. He even talked to my parents and brought the age difference up along with some other conversations he had with her about me. What it boils down to I think is that she says that she loves me and he doesn't want her to do something that she might regret because she thinks she's in love with me.

This is part of the reason I haven't slept with her yet, along with some other things like the age gap and the fact that her dad is itching for a reason to see me in jail. XD

Well then, there you have your answer: he's just an over-protective dad, scared that ure just gonna hurt her in the end. If you know that you're part is sincere, then you have nothing to worry about. He'll learn that in time. If he doesnt, just tell him to go and screw himself. He's not the one in the relationship anyway.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I'd say he's being protective, but it sounds like he has a mental problem, I don't think his opinion will change. Maybe if you got married and had kids in the future, he might accept you.
My exes mum hated me, for no other reason than he was 4 years older than me. Apparently she was always calling me a slag, slut, whore, that I was only with him for his money and I wanted to get pregnant to trap him.
The thought of having his children revolted me. :3

 

[Cid Silverwing]

Typically parents disapproving of your lover means only one of two things - either your love is a piece of shit, or s/he is good and your parents are soccerheads who can't tell altruism from mutual beneficials.

 

[AngloDoom]

That's nothing. My girlfriend's parents secretly despise me for 'turning their daughter gay'.-_-

One-upmanship isn't helpful, but I sympathise with you.

On Topic:

As other's have previously mentioned, it's due to a mixture of several things, like the fact that the father was once your age and knows about all the temptations there are at that age - as well as all the consequences that can occur. Also, his first impression of you (causing his 'little girl' to cry) wouldn't be in the slightest endearing.

Some fathers are looking for an excuse - that's just how it goes. I once had a girlfriend's father ban me from seeing her because I didn't shake his hand when he loomed over me in the corridor and scowled when he saw I had my arm around his daughter. Clearly, in this example we see the guy wasn't even trying to be reasonable.

Only thing I can say is grin and bear it. If someone comes along where you can shine through and either help him, or his daughter, then it's best you've been polite up to that point so he doesn't see it as a reason to believe you're brown-nosing.

Best of luck.

 

[dogenzakaminion]

You mentioned that age difference being one year and that's really the only true reason i can see for him hating you so much. Although I don't know your or your gf's age, that really shouldn't matter. I guess the best thing to do is be mature about it. If he says he's gonna "crawl through wires to get you" ask him what he means, why he wants to get you so bad. I'm sure he wouldn't even have a good reason. Communication is always the best thing. Let him know that you're genuinely interested in his daughters well being and that you care for her. Over time he will probably back off anyway. I had the same problem with my parents not liking my gf. Although it's still kindof...wierd, it became better after she talked with them.

 

[HellsingerAngel]

-snip-

Here are a few things to consider...

1. There's probably a reason her parents are seperated. I'll take a guess that if her father is acting like this, that's why. A man with a completely dominant personality will not do well with any woman, if only because you have to treat them with respect. This comes from a guy with a majorly dominant personality that's learned to get the "do as I say when I say it" out of a woman, you need to understand that let go of the reigns when stuff isn't serious.

2. You were not upfront about your relationship. Yes, even if your girlfriend didn't tell her parents it is still your fault. You did not put your foot forward and accept that you need to take initiative in a relationship. The fact that her father stumbled upon the relationship is something of a bad start.

3. The way he found out he found out about the relationship. She was crying her eyes out and complaining that you cheated on her. That was his first impression. Not a good one.

4. You've done nothing to counter-mend points two and three. Yes, good for you for taking care of your girl when she was down and out. Good job for keeping her safe. I regret to inform you that that is what's expected of you. That is your job in a relationship. You need to do something beyond that to prove your worth at this point.

Hope that helps clear things up for you, buddy. Good luck =)

 

[Unknower]

As others have said, he's probably just being overprotective. He'll probably start liking you more hating you less as time passes.

That's nothing. My girlfriend's parents secretly despise me for 'turning their daughter gay'.-_-

You were that bad, eeeeeeeeeh?

 

[Cypher10110]

I'm sure that this isn't exactly rare. Her mom likes me and we get along great, but her dad really has it out for me. I mean he's threatened to call the cops, and hunt me down and all sorts of stuff like that. Luckily he hasn't gotten violent because I'd really hate to have to beat down my gf's dad. XD

Anyway, her parents are separate, and it's not like I have to see them all the time, but it's just annoying that it seems like I have to jump through hoops just to date her because she's amazing and I really like her. The only problem we have is her dad.

Any ideas/suggestions for dealing with a hostile parent? I've heard of parents hating gfs too, so I guess this could apply there as well. Normally I get along well with my friends/gfs parents, he's the only one that seems to have a problem with me.

He needs to see that you're a good guy, that you're not a dangerous stray dog his daughter's picked up.

Something like if you screw up (in his eyes), apologize (sincerely), and if he doesn't buy your sincerity apologize for him "I was just trying to be respectful, sorry you don't see it that way, sir." /leave WITHOUT PROVOKING FURTHER FRICTION. Angry people are angry for a reason, until things get easier they won't change.

I've had this kind of problem before. The key points: make a sincere effort. Don't provoke. Don't try TOO HARD (don't be a suckup). Older folks take longer to change, be patient, stick to your guns, be confident and non-confrontational.

MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE:

1. Stay calm and stay confident in what you do.
"The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him."

Stay deadly calm at all times. No matter how crazy he gets, if you can't keep your cool (even if it's because he's completely blown his top and gets violent) withdraw and save the battle for another time. Because as long and you're staying calm you're in control of what you're doing, and he is not, you've got the upper hand both tactically (because all conflict is warfare) and morally.

2. Avoid violence (I don't care if you'd win or not, or who started it.)
"To fight and conquer in all you battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

Besides, your goal is to bridge the gap, not push it further apart. I'd only ever resort to violence in this case if he got violent with his daughter. I'd floor him and take her somewhere safe, the safety of his daughter should be something you'd both agree on. You have to make him realise that he's crossed the line in that case.

3. Stick to your guns
"To secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself."

If you excel in stopping his attacks, be they physical or metaphorical, without resorting to retaliation. Then you are in total control and he will be the only one causing a problem, in time I would hope any human being would realize what they're doing. You must get him to respect you before he will accept you.


TLDR; Get him to respect you, but do not disrespect him in order to achieve this, it will not work. (Quotes are from The Art of War, if you're interested)