Long Post Incoming
I'm not even sure where to begin with something like this, and I'm positive it will read like an angry blog post. I'm certain of that, and frankly, I don't care. Even if no one reads this or responds, that's fine too. I'm not going to go create a blog for one post, and typing this out will hopefully make me feel better, regardless of if anyone helps or not.
To open off with, here is how I feel most of the time: Crappy. Really crappy. Bad enough to start crying while on the bus going to school. Yes, even in public, it doesn't seem to matter any more. I have tried--and have been successful for some time--at bottling this up. I had an apathetic turn a while back, one that I hoped was for the best. I stopped feeling anything at all, because I believed, truly believed, that it was for the best. Logically, I still believe that to be the best solution, because it involves the least effort for the greatest payout. Logic, however, is no longer one of my strong suits.
It used to be, of course, but it isn't any more. I used to think as logically as possible, always weighing the pros and cons of any given solution, taking the time to figure out if what I was about to do would be beneficial. This did, of course, leave me with problems, most of which having to do with neglecting anything spontaneous, and dwelling on things for long periods of time. That's fine, because I can deal with those types of things.
This has changed though. I am still unsure as to why, but my entire thought process has begun to switch over the last few months. Logic seems to be abandoning my thoughts, replaced with something else. I wouldn't call it irresponsible thoughts, but sometimes that is the case. What's most puzzling to me about this is the fact that, despite no longer thinking logically, I still act in that manner, at least, I do most of the time. I still don't want to act irrationally, so even when my mind is telling me to do so, I usually don't. Maybe this is conditioning, I'm not sure.
Now, this apathetic attitude is still something I adhere to the majority of the time. Strangely, media can bring out the emotions in me. It doesn't matter what type; film, music, art, all of them can invoke some sort of emotion. Here's an example: I went to a hockey game the other night. During the American national anthem, (not even my own country's, but America's), I burst into tears. They were quickly disposed of, and after the anthems were finished, I felt little emotion for the rest of the game, only feeling something when the songs "Resistance" and "Black Sheep" came blasting over the intercom. The rest of the game, I sat there, no enjoyment, no sorrow, just boredom.
I'm no longer finding things "fun", which I believe to be a big problem. Even my movies, which I love, are beginning to lose their lustre. Now, this isn't always the case, of course--a human deprived of absolutely all enjoyment is a dead one, after all--but it is happening far too much of the time for me to ignore this. Even in my apathetic state, I was able to derive some enjoyment from the world, and never felt like I was lacking happiness. Now I feel this way most of the time. I find myself trying to take enjoyment from absolutely everything, just so that I will feel happiness for a short period. I'm in a desperation sort of mode, one that I can't currently see a way out of.
I think I've figured out what is separating this from other times where I've felt sad for extended periods of time. I really don't like myself. I would almost use the word "hate", but I feel that is a slight bit too strong. Maybe it isn't, and it might just be a different kind of hatred than I feel towards others, but...yeah, that's the kind of feeling I have towards myself. What I can't figure out is why I feel this way. I think I'm a decent enough human being, smart enough, nice enough to others, but for some reason, I think I'm crap. I guess this is low self-esteem, but it doesn't even seem to be that. I have a high enough opinion of myself, like I said, I just...don't like me.
I know that some of my frustration comes from my issues with my parents. For those unaware, they, (my mother and stepfather), are alcoholics. Functioning alcoholics, who do provide for me and are not abusive, but alcoholics nonetheless. They are unreliable, to say the least, often times passing out or drinking to excess so that they cannot drive anywhere. This usually isn't a problem, but, let's say, if something were to happen, they would be unable to do anything about it. It also worries me that they will be the cause of such a disaster. My stepfather is the main problem, as my mother didn't have as much of a problem until he came along. He also seems to dislike my sister and I, and he takes almost any chance he can to back-talk either of us. Usually not directly, but with distasteful comments he makes when we aren't directly involved with the conversation, or when he thinks we cannot here. Any time we try to bring anything negative up with them, we get shot down with insults about things we do wrong.
My anger comes from the fact that I cannot do anything about them. I do still love my mother, despite everything negative that I say about her, but my stepfather makes living there a nightmare. I can't leave though, because my sister still wants to go back, and I keep going in order to protect her. She's only 13, and isn't aware of everything that happens, and wouldn't be able to deal if disaster were to strike. I'm not going to potentially let her go, just because of the stupid actions of my own family.
Moving onto something more personal with myself, I've realized that I'm incredibly lonely. It's odd, because I'm popular enough at school--people like me--but I never really felt a decent connection with them, I suppose. The person I believed to be my best friend has not spoken to me since September, and I haven't attempted communication with him either. He went to university, and I stopped talking with him. It seemed mutual though; neither of us has attempted communication with the other. If it was that important, we would have. My friends at school are not receptive to "feeling sharing", so to speak, and are more people that I enjoy hanging out with. That's not necessarily bad, because having people like that is good, but we do not hang out much. I'll get together with one of them...maybe once a month, at most.
I think the reason for this is again an issue with my parents. This time, my biological parents, as we'll leave my stepfather out of this--he didn't raise me, or set rules regarding how I'm supposed to live. My real parents have always been strict regarding how I lead my personal life. In order to hang out with people, they need to know the person, know exactly what's happening, who will be there, when I'm leaving, when I'm getting home...and it all has to be planned about a week in advance. Spontaneous planning isn't something that they let happen, and I feel trapped because of that. I've never had any freedom in this area. Nor have they really spoken to me about much.
The lines of communication between my parents and I is...severed, to say the least. Despite what they claim, speaking with them just doesn't happen. They claim to always be ready to listen if I have something to say, but the times that I've brought up "serious" things in the past have led to disappointment. They don't help, or they don't take it seriously. They have also never begun serious conversations. They've never even had a "dating" talk with me, even though they have forbidden me from dating until they have said talk. I've tried bringing it up before, but they denied having the conversation with me.
Finally, (and I do truthfully hope I'm done soon), I am still unsure of what I will be doing in the future. I will have applied to two different post-secondary places, one for "Film Production", and the other for "Film Studies". I do not know if I will be accepted into either, although the latter category is looking more likely. The thing is...I'm not sure if this is what I want to do. Applying was almost like a knee-jerk reaction for me, as film is my only interest at the moment. I don't know if the interest will continue, and if it doesn't, I do not like the idea that I will have wasted two-four years, and a ton of money, just for something that I won't want to do. This is worrying, but is currently all I can do. If I don't get accepted, I will likely go work for a year and re-apply--no job experience is why the "Film Production" school more or less told me I would get rejected, even before I applied. (I talked with a professor there who told me as such).
I think that's about as much complaining as I can do at the moment. I'm tired of writing this up, and I don't even know how much good it will do me. Writing it has, unfortunately, not helped me any, despite what I was hoping for at the beginning. Congrats if you read it all, although I don't expect you to. Any insight would be appreciated, mocking will be ignored. I'm done.
I'm not even sure where to begin with something like this, and I'm positive it will read like an angry blog post. I'm certain of that, and frankly, I don't care. Even if no one reads this or responds, that's fine too. I'm not going to go create a blog for one post, and typing this out will hopefully make me feel better, regardless of if anyone helps or not.
To open off with, here is how I feel most of the time: Crappy. Really crappy. Bad enough to start crying while on the bus going to school. Yes, even in public, it doesn't seem to matter any more. I have tried--and have been successful for some time--at bottling this up. I had an apathetic turn a while back, one that I hoped was for the best. I stopped feeling anything at all, because I believed, truly believed, that it was for the best. Logically, I still believe that to be the best solution, because it involves the least effort for the greatest payout. Logic, however, is no longer one of my strong suits.
It used to be, of course, but it isn't any more. I used to think as logically as possible, always weighing the pros and cons of any given solution, taking the time to figure out if what I was about to do would be beneficial. This did, of course, leave me with problems, most of which having to do with neglecting anything spontaneous, and dwelling on things for long periods of time. That's fine, because I can deal with those types of things.
This has changed though. I am still unsure as to why, but my entire thought process has begun to switch over the last few months. Logic seems to be abandoning my thoughts, replaced with something else. I wouldn't call it irresponsible thoughts, but sometimes that is the case. What's most puzzling to me about this is the fact that, despite no longer thinking logically, I still act in that manner, at least, I do most of the time. I still don't want to act irrationally, so even when my mind is telling me to do so, I usually don't. Maybe this is conditioning, I'm not sure.
Now, this apathetic attitude is still something I adhere to the majority of the time. Strangely, media can bring out the emotions in me. It doesn't matter what type; film, music, art, all of them can invoke some sort of emotion. Here's an example: I went to a hockey game the other night. During the American national anthem, (not even my own country's, but America's), I burst into tears. They were quickly disposed of, and after the anthems were finished, I felt little emotion for the rest of the game, only feeling something when the songs "Resistance" and "Black Sheep" came blasting over the intercom. The rest of the game, I sat there, no enjoyment, no sorrow, just boredom.
I'm no longer finding things "fun", which I believe to be a big problem. Even my movies, which I love, are beginning to lose their lustre. Now, this isn't always the case, of course--a human deprived of absolutely all enjoyment is a dead one, after all--but it is happening far too much of the time for me to ignore this. Even in my apathetic state, I was able to derive some enjoyment from the world, and never felt like I was lacking happiness. Now I feel this way most of the time. I find myself trying to take enjoyment from absolutely everything, just so that I will feel happiness for a short period. I'm in a desperation sort of mode, one that I can't currently see a way out of.
I think I've figured out what is separating this from other times where I've felt sad for extended periods of time. I really don't like myself. I would almost use the word "hate", but I feel that is a slight bit too strong. Maybe it isn't, and it might just be a different kind of hatred than I feel towards others, but...yeah, that's the kind of feeling I have towards myself. What I can't figure out is why I feel this way. I think I'm a decent enough human being, smart enough, nice enough to others, but for some reason, I think I'm crap. I guess this is low self-esteem, but it doesn't even seem to be that. I have a high enough opinion of myself, like I said, I just...don't like me.
I know that some of my frustration comes from my issues with my parents. For those unaware, they, (my mother and stepfather), are alcoholics. Functioning alcoholics, who do provide for me and are not abusive, but alcoholics nonetheless. They are unreliable, to say the least, often times passing out or drinking to excess so that they cannot drive anywhere. This usually isn't a problem, but, let's say, if something were to happen, they would be unable to do anything about it. It also worries me that they will be the cause of such a disaster. My stepfather is the main problem, as my mother didn't have as much of a problem until he came along. He also seems to dislike my sister and I, and he takes almost any chance he can to back-talk either of us. Usually not directly, but with distasteful comments he makes when we aren't directly involved with the conversation, or when he thinks we cannot here. Any time we try to bring anything negative up with them, we get shot down with insults about things we do wrong.
My anger comes from the fact that I cannot do anything about them. I do still love my mother, despite everything negative that I say about her, but my stepfather makes living there a nightmare. I can't leave though, because my sister still wants to go back, and I keep going in order to protect her. She's only 13, and isn't aware of everything that happens, and wouldn't be able to deal if disaster were to strike. I'm not going to potentially let her go, just because of the stupid actions of my own family.
Moving onto something more personal with myself, I've realized that I'm incredibly lonely. It's odd, because I'm popular enough at school--people like me--but I never really felt a decent connection with them, I suppose. The person I believed to be my best friend has not spoken to me since September, and I haven't attempted communication with him either. He went to university, and I stopped talking with him. It seemed mutual though; neither of us has attempted communication with the other. If it was that important, we would have. My friends at school are not receptive to "feeling sharing", so to speak, and are more people that I enjoy hanging out with. That's not necessarily bad, because having people like that is good, but we do not hang out much. I'll get together with one of them...maybe once a month, at most.
I think the reason for this is again an issue with my parents. This time, my biological parents, as we'll leave my stepfather out of this--he didn't raise me, or set rules regarding how I'm supposed to live. My real parents have always been strict regarding how I lead my personal life. In order to hang out with people, they need to know the person, know exactly what's happening, who will be there, when I'm leaving, when I'm getting home...and it all has to be planned about a week in advance. Spontaneous planning isn't something that they let happen, and I feel trapped because of that. I've never had any freedom in this area. Nor have they really spoken to me about much.
The lines of communication between my parents and I is...severed, to say the least. Despite what they claim, speaking with them just doesn't happen. They claim to always be ready to listen if I have something to say, but the times that I've brought up "serious" things in the past have led to disappointment. They don't help, or they don't take it seriously. They have also never begun serious conversations. They've never even had a "dating" talk with me, even though they have forbidden me from dating until they have said talk. I've tried bringing it up before, but they denied having the conversation with me.
Finally, (and I do truthfully hope I'm done soon), I am still unsure of what I will be doing in the future. I will have applied to two different post-secondary places, one for "Film Production", and the other for "Film Studies". I do not know if I will be accepted into either, although the latter category is looking more likely. The thing is...I'm not sure if this is what I want to do. Applying was almost like a knee-jerk reaction for me, as film is my only interest at the moment. I don't know if the interest will continue, and if it doesn't, I do not like the idea that I will have wasted two-four years, and a ton of money, just for something that I won't want to do. This is worrying, but is currently all I can do. If I don't get accepted, I will likely go work for a year and re-apply--no job experience is why the "Film Production" school more or less told me I would get rejected, even before I applied. (I talked with a professor there who told me as such).
I think that's about as much complaining as I can do at the moment. I'm tired of writing this up, and I don't even know how much good it will do me. Writing it has, unfortunately, not helped me any, despite what I was hoping for at the beginning. Congrats if you read it all, although I don't expect you to. Any insight would be appreciated, mocking will be ignored. I'm done.
)