My peace...

[SckizoBoy]

Earlier today I was walking to my gaming club... anticipating what would be a normally fun day of moving miniatures and rolling dice. A couple minutes away from it, my heart skipped a beat, I almost stumbled and I almost felt like crying.

A few days ago, there was a thread wherein the OP professed being attracted to a girl primarily because her psychological problems which upset a great number of users, myself included. And I ended up thinking about one of my past relationships (again)... the last one to mean anything to me and the one that meant the most, in fact. And earlier today, I remembered what I felt when I looked at my stillborn daughter. This is a scar that's more than five years old, and while I had a reasonably good time today, I feel... so... damned... wracked.

I'll apologise, this is actually an advice on relationships thread and it's hardly the first one I've started, because I would like someone in my life again, but I can't help but think I'd be doing a hell of a lot of dragging. Perhaps a symptom, as it were, may be seen in my friendships. Virtually every one of my female friends is married. Only one is single, but to be fair, my only contact with her has been online. Anyway, I like to think I'm not a total ass, so being friends with married women is, for me, safe. I can't fuck up anywhere, because I know the line is there and I won't do anything that might threaten it.

Thus have I reverted to craven cowardice... unwilling to take any risk with a woman that might like me, or I might like, however unlikely, because I no longer believe I know how to make a woman happy... only how to comfort her when she's sad. If anything did happen, my first instinct would be to dump all my shit on her and say 'this is me, take it or leave it', as it would be necessary, sooner or later. And so, married women let me feel even slightly secure, that I still retain that faintest of abilities to converse with women, knowing how to make them laugh, able to say the right things irrespective of context for whatever reason and able to spend comfortable silences with them. But a single woman? Yeah, I'm off...

I do not wish to forget my past relationships, nor should I, but they affect me greatly and I cannot escape this. What is the compromise?

Captcha - love life...

What blessed irony...

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Outside of friends, have you talked about this with anyone?

Bottling that up won't do you any favors down the road and at some point you just might have an emotional break down. I'm not saying you should talk about it to get over it, but just as a point to help you move on since that's some pretty heavy stuff.

Also, if you do manage to find someone and it gets a little serious then I do think you two need to have a talk about it and let her know what you're still dealing with. Hopefully she will be willing to help you through it. You're gonna have to put some effort into it too, and maybe just having an objective party listen to what you have to say and hear you talking it out might be a good step. This isn't going to be easy, and it sure as hell isn't going to be painless.

At some point you're gonna have to figure out what makes you happy before you can figure out how to make someone else happy. It sounds to me like that event, for a lack of better term, did a number on you and you haven't let it do. That's understandable, but at some point you're gonna have to let all those negative emotions go before it ruins your own life. It's easy to play it safe rather than to take a chance, but that's not really living. Take care of yourself first before you can do that to someone else. Does that make sense?

I hope my tired rambling helped.

 

[SckizoBoy]

First off, thanks for the response, I wasn't sure what to expect when I posted this... perhaps a few pearls of wisdom from SiskoBlue like when he was around.

Outside of friends, have you talked about this with anyone?

No... I've seen many a counsellor and psychiatrist, and this was perhaps the most painful thing buried away at the time, so I discussed other problems I had (at the time and otherwise).

Bottling that up won't do you any favors down the road and at some point you just might have an emotional break down. I'm not saying you should talk about it to get over it, but just as a point to help you move on since that's some pretty heavy stuff.

For the most part, I'm... OK, I guess. Perhaps not, since this shows, but it happens from time to time that I get it really hard by memories that can be considered turning points in my life.

Also, if you do manage to find someone and it gets a little serious then I do think you two need to have a talk about it and let her know what you're still dealing with. Hopefully she will be willing to help you through it. You're gonna have to put some effort into it too, and maybe just having an objective party listen to what you have to say and hear you talking it out might be a good step. This isn't going to be easy, and it sure as hell isn't going to be painless.

At some point you're gonna have to figure out what makes you happy before you can figure out how to make someone else happy. It sounds to me like that event, for a lack of better term, did a number on you and you haven't let it do. That's understandable, but at some point you're gonna have to let all those negative emotions go before it ruins your own life. It's easy to play it safe rather than to take a chance, but that's not really living. Take care of yourself first before you can do that to someone else. Does that make sense?

Maybe it was my irrationality speaking, but I hope to hell I'm not foolish enough to dump that sort of thing on someone the moment we become intimate. And yes, for me it is, mostly, about taking that risk that I might get close with another woman after having had that long, eventful yet very saddening relationship. Thankfully, I do know what brings me happiness and contentment, but again, it is a matter of that little risk in wishing to learn about that potential other without messing it up that stands in the way. It is a relatively small obstacle, I suppose, but a scary one nonetheless.

Therefore, that first step that I've denied to myself for so long: take the ring off of my ring finger and put it in a box that I might leave alone for many years...

*sigh* And yet it means so much to me. Yes, a difficult road ahead, and I know that, yet I know it can be taken and I am, for once in a very long time, blessed with no few friends who are willing to help me along.

I hope my tired rambling helped.

Yes... it did... I already knew much of this, and I've told myself what needs to be done (if less than what you've mentioned), and it was good to hear/read it from someone else.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

SNIP!

You're very welcome.

Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else to just confirm a few things, and this is just one of those situations where it's just hard to go forward. Let alone know what to do since this is pretty heavy stuff, and at least you're doing okay. This just takes time and hopefully after some time has passed you can feel good enough about the whole thing to be comfortable with it. Not necessarily happy, but just at peace with it.

My PM box is always open if you just wanna talk.