my sister has a drinking problem
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1) The internet is perhaps not the best place for this. The degree of alarmism is already getting silly given how little you've actually told us (also, many of the people here are relatively young and, though it pains me to say, more than a little bit naive).
2) She's 22, so this isn't necessarily an indication of a long-term, more serious problem. You also didn't mention how often she's going out drinking and blacking out, which could change the situation dramatically. Note: none of this means that it's fine or that it shouldn't be worrying.
3) Have you tried just, you know, telling her? Don't accuse her or tell her what she should or shouldn't do or get others involved, just say how you feel about it and that you're scared (take care not to do so in a patronising or condescending way, it helps not to say that you're scared "for her"). Being corny and telling her how much you love her and how she needs to stop and all of that nonsense is probably just going to make both of you uncomfortable. Even if she brushes it off when you say it, such things can give one pause in the future.
4) If it continues or becomes a truly big problem, your relationship with her (and her relationships with everyone) will definitely be harmed if she is seriously hurt because of this.
5) If it involves you to the point of you being her emergency contact, this gives you a bit more license to be slightly more assertive if she doesn't pay attention to friendly discussion of your feelings on the matter.
6) You can drink and do drugs and still be completely functional and (at least mostly) healthy. You seem to be pretty secure, but it's still worth saying. Many of the most successful, most intelligent people I know are huge stoners (I will never understand how so many academics get more work done while stoned) and at least moderately heavy drinkers.
2) She's 22, so this isn't necessarily an indication of a long-term, more serious problem. You also didn't mention how often she's going out drinking and blacking out, which could change the situation dramatically. Note: none of this means that it's fine or that it shouldn't be worrying.
3) Have you tried just, you know, telling her? Don't accuse her or tell her what she should or shouldn't do or get others involved, just say how you feel about it and that you're scared (take care not to do so in a patronising or condescending way, it helps not to say that you're scared "for her"). Being corny and telling her how much you love her and how she needs to stop and all of that nonsense is probably just going to make both of you uncomfortable. Even if she brushes it off when you say it, such things can give one pause in the future.
4) If it continues or becomes a truly big problem, your relationship with her (and her relationships with everyone) will definitely be harmed if she is seriously hurt because of this.
5) If it involves you to the point of you being her emergency contact, this gives you a bit more license to be slightly more assertive if she doesn't pay attention to friendly discussion of your feelings on the matter.
6) You can drink and do drugs and still be completely functional and (at least mostly) healthy. You seem to be pretty secure, but it's still worth saying. Many of the most successful, most intelligent people I know are huge stoners (I will never understand how so many academics get more work done while stoned) and at least moderately heavy drinkers.
Oh come on, you don't seriously think that all drug use has to eventuate in addiction and wasted lives do you? Check the statistics on damage to the community caused by alcohol vs damage caused by illegal drugs. I'm too old to be interested in intoxicants these days, but I certainly don't regret having had fun with them in my youth. It didn't stop me from going on to a great career and a great marriage; neither did it stop almost all of my friends fro m having financial and relationship success. On the other hand, I know plenty of people with conservative lifestyles who ended up pretty miserably in both regards.Zeithri said:
The important thing is that you don't take those risks blindly. Alcohol and drugs can kill you - like cliff diving or hang-gliding, they are fun, but the dangers are real. Nobody ever harped on me for taking risks hang-gliding as a youth, yet the same principle applied - trading real risk for fun and experience.
When I was young, the main mistake that I saw others make with drugs was underestimating how quickly the mental deteriation of intoxicants can take its toll. If you were to, say, have a drink after breakfast and a drink before lunch, then another drink when coming home from work, people would rightly call you an alcoholic. Too many pot-users will do exactly that with marijuana without realising they have a problem. Similarly, they'll think they aren't doing damage by using it weekly (just like alcohol), when that's enough to cause significant impairment to short-term memory.
Mind you, I was more into party drugs than marijuana, and frankly I think that was less harmful simply by virtue of them not being drugs that you'd take with the same regularity as pot. Of course, I would have done that a few times a year - just like most people. Obviously anyone who thinks that they can use ecstacy every week, or even every month, is going to end up in trouble, but you're talking about a tiny minority of drug users who do that. It's like measuring alcohol by the folks who drink daily, or measuring hang-gliding by the folks who don't check their safety gear.
As a lawyer and a political activist, I've been lobbying for years to decriminalise drug use, because more harm is done by the criminalisation process than the drugs themselves. And that's saying something - the drugs do cause harm, but one size fits all attitudes to it cause more harm. Should a kid use drugs? Absolutely not, and they shouldn't hang-glide either. If they do, does it mean their life is screwed? No, and such absurdly absolutist claims don't help anyone. Do I regret using drugs? Hell no, I had some of the best experiences of my life. Not 'because' of the drugs, but they were part of those experiences, forming moments in relationships and memories that are dear to me, and that never spilt over into addiction (though again, I agree that addiction and harm are genuine risks).
Some people will be horrified that an adult will hop on a site like this and say anything other than 'of course you must never ever ever touch illegal drugs'. But frankly, the kids know better than that, and in any event I'm not inclined to lie in an 'ends justify the means' manner. What I will say is that most people fall into simplistic viewpoints on this issue - either that all drug use is harmful because of the few people who can't take responsibility for their own actions, or that their personal use of drugs can't ever be harmful. Any level of drug use is risky, just like any level of hang-gliding is risky. But we take risks all the time, deliberately and without others harping on us for it. More people die in Australia from skin cancer due to sun exposure, than who die from illicit drugs. Yet we take for granted that all people have a right to determine for themselves what degree of sun exposure they want to have. We let them choose their level of educated risk, and the same can and should apply to the risks from drug use.
For readers with the opposite inclination (i.e. young and inclined towards drug experimentation) keep this in mind - I don't use drugs or alcohol these days, despite being in a financial position to do so, so obviously I've got reasons for that. As much as I think drugs should be legalised, and that 'all drug use --> addiction' is a stupid and baseless generalisation, drug use WILL affect your mental capacities. It WILL make you less mentally sharp, it WILL make university/school harder, it WILL increase your exposure to mental illness, it WILL leave you tired and grumpy for days after, it WILL increase the risk of lung cancer if you smoke it, or liver damage if you eat/drink it, or nasal cancer if you snort it, or death in a gazillion ways if you're stupid enough to inject it, and if you do it on a regular basis it WILL cause serious damage to your health and life. Quire a few of these dangers kick in very very quickly - even with marijuana. In fact, don't start thinking that marijuana is 'softer' than other drugs - it hugely increases risk of serious mental illness and almost immediately reduces your ability to remember and think quickly, and I'm talking about when you're 'sober', not just when you're stoned.
Contrary to the above poster, and as someone with a PhD who has spent time as an academic as well as private legal practice, I don't know of ANY academic who get more work done 'while stoned'. There's a huge difference between saying 'some people can have a vice and still function', and saying 'having a vice won't affect your level of functioning'. Few people can smoke marijuana for 20+years and still function well in a competitive academic field. More to the point, marijuana harms your mental capacity - that's just part and parcel of what it does. People trade risk/harms for enjoyment all the time, so I'm not saying that there aren't any academics who do that with pot. But if you start thinking that you can do drugs without it affecting your productivity, then frankly you're one of the people who shouldn't be touching the stuff. Part of being a responsible drug user is acknowledging the damage that it is doing.
So, being an alcoholic and actively trying to kill myself with the substance, I can only tell you this, if you're still listening:
THE TRUTH MATTERS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Just tell her the truth. Alcohol makes you "okay" with things in your life you should be fighting against. It makes you feel complacent. If you are a reasonable human being and you find something unthinkable, and alcoholic tendencies make you think otherwise, then booze is not for you.
If your sister doesn't understand or agree with this, then you have 2 options: first, accept her "condition" (for lack of a word that accurately describes alcoholism and its effects), or second, change that condition by example.
I know that's an extreme idea... To put your own life on the line and show her how damaging that can be, but it may just work. I know that years ago I did that same thing for my big sis. She didn't... she couldn't... I failed to make her understand. But I tried. I ended up burying her knowing (as much as a human can) that I did all I could do to help her.
This whole post is very hard for me, but IF you're still listening/reading, then it's worth it if it helps you. Being an... YOU KNOW!... I won't be sure if my post made it through to you. So, IM me if you need more help. Trust me, I've traveled half-way 'round the world for less....
THE TRUTH MATTERS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Just tell her the truth. Alcohol makes you "okay" with things in your life you should be fighting against. It makes you feel complacent. If you are a reasonable human being and you find something unthinkable, and alcoholic tendencies make you think otherwise, then booze is not for you.
If your sister doesn't understand or agree with this, then you have 2 options: first, accept her "condition" (for lack of a word that accurately describes alcoholism and its effects), or second, change that condition by example.
I know that's an extreme idea... To put your own life on the line and show her how damaging that can be, but it may just work. I know that years ago I did that same thing for my big sis. She didn't... she couldn't... I failed to make her understand. But I tried. I ended up burying her knowing (as much as a human can) that I did all I could do to help her.
This whole post is very hard for me, but IF you're still listening/reading, then it's worth it if it helps you. Being an... YOU KNOW!... I won't be sure if my post made it through to you. So, IM me if you need more help. Trust me, I've traveled half-way 'round the world for less....
The simple truth. If she doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't have negative outcomes (yet) from getting plastered so often, then she's not going to see any reason to change her behaviour. In other words, the whole AA thing of first, admitting you have a problem.
If she DOES have fears about it and DOES regret getting so plastered then it's simple. You need to get her to think about these fears when it matters, about 2-5 drinks into the night. When she goes out, give say 1-2 hours at the bar. Then text her and say stuff like "Hope you don't black out tonight, I can't pick you up as I'm out, and you don't want XXXXX to happen again". Or whatever fits your situation. You really need to just go on and on about anything negative she's mentioned about getting excessively drunk. And especially at the point where she makes the decision to have 6, 7, 8, .....20 drinks. If you can get her to THINK then, she'll change her behaviour. She might decide to just come home at that point. You could sell her on that by saying you got food or a smoke waiting for her when she gets back, something you know that might sound more appealling that just continuing to get wasted.
Also don't feel bad about preying on her vanity. If you have common friends you could say "Jimmy saw you the other night, he said his group of friends were wetting themselves seeing what a mess you were". That kind of thing. Some might think this isn't a great cause of action but it will be effective. The important thing to do is make sure it's not YOU saying these things, or YOUR opinion. Don't say "I think you look vile covered in vomit", instead say "So I guess your friends scattered after you puked everywhere. I'm not phased by other people's vomit but some people freak out".
Basically reinforce that you're on her side and these people are being stupid, that way she's agreeing with you, and then you can make the statement of facts. Like "Of course if you get into that state some guy could basically rape you and get you pregnant or an STD and you wouldn't even know, but how likely is that right?"
If you can be subtle you can basically plant the seeds in her head that get smashed isn't safe, isn't good, and in the long run isn't much fun.
Good luck.
If she DOES have fears about it and DOES regret getting so plastered then it's simple. You need to get her to think about these fears when it matters, about 2-5 drinks into the night. When she goes out, give say 1-2 hours at the bar. Then text her and say stuff like "Hope you don't black out tonight, I can't pick you up as I'm out, and you don't want XXXXX to happen again". Or whatever fits your situation. You really need to just go on and on about anything negative she's mentioned about getting excessively drunk. And especially at the point where she makes the decision to have 6, 7, 8, .....20 drinks. If you can get her to THINK then, she'll change her behaviour. She might decide to just come home at that point. You could sell her on that by saying you got food or a smoke waiting for her when she gets back, something you know that might sound more appealling that just continuing to get wasted.
Also don't feel bad about preying on her vanity. If you have common friends you could say "Jimmy saw you the other night, he said his group of friends were wetting themselves seeing what a mess you were". That kind of thing. Some might think this isn't a great cause of action but it will be effective. The important thing to do is make sure it's not YOU saying these things, or YOUR opinion. Don't say "I think you look vile covered in vomit", instead say "So I guess your friends scattered after you puked everywhere. I'm not phased by other people's vomit but some people freak out".
Basically reinforce that you're on her side and these people are being stupid, that way she's agreeing with you, and then you can make the statement of facts. Like "Of course if you get into that state some guy could basically rape you and get you pregnant or an STD and you wouldn't even know, but how likely is that right?"
If you can be subtle you can basically plant the seeds in her head that get smashed isn't safe, isn't good, and in the long run isn't much fun.
Good luck.
I drink to black out because I love it. I dont do any other drugs so its my thing. (but i did just try pot so i might switch over!) My friends are starting to hate it though so I either dont do it or i dont do it around them. because i love my friends and i want to continue drinking with them so i just dont get obliterated when we go out anymore. (gave up my awesome blackouts for my friends 
anyway She might not think she has a problem. I know why I do what I do. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I dont always need a drink. But I love spacing out because sometimes life sucks. I honestly have passed out in the street and been hospitalized 3 times and didnt think it was an issue, until people called it to my attention. to me it was exciting. some people think stupid shit. if she is an alcoholic and she knows it she will get defensive no matter what you say and the the ball will drop because like everyone said here, then she needs help and will NOT be able to just STOP blacking out, because then its a disease and she cant control it alone. BUT if shes a stupid crazy ass like me just say, hey look (no matter what youre gonna have to talk to her) stop drinking to black out. no one in the family likes it. sit down and watch the always sunny intervention ep with her. haha let her know that yall love drinkin with her etc but her black outs make yall worry. too much and she has to stop it and find something else to get her to that high. if she tries and fails i hope its because she doesnt really know her limit (although i usually know when that last drink will black me out, not always what point is exactly wasted, but i know that last black out point) anyway if she doesnt do it or cant yall have to find another drug of choice. preferably not a highly addictive one, cause shes gonna have to stop drinking for a VERY long time because she will be an alcoholic.
anyway She might not think she has a problem. I know why I do what I do. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I dont always need a drink. But I love spacing out because sometimes life sucks. I honestly have passed out in the street and been hospitalized 3 times and didnt think it was an issue, until people called it to my attention. to me it was exciting. some people think stupid shit. if she is an alcoholic and she knows it she will get defensive no matter what you say and the the ball will drop because like everyone said here, then she needs help and will NOT be able to just STOP blacking out, because then its a disease and she cant control it alone. BUT if shes a stupid crazy ass like me just say, hey look (no matter what youre gonna have to talk to her) stop drinking to black out. no one in the family likes it. sit down and watch the always sunny intervention ep with her. haha let her know that yall love drinkin with her etc but her black outs make yall worry. too much and she has to stop it and find something else to get her to that high. if she tries and fails i hope its because she doesnt really know her limit (although i usually know when that last drink will black me out, not always what point is exactly wasted, but i know that last black out point) anyway if she doesnt do it or cant yall have to find another drug of choice. preferably not a highly addictive one, cause shes gonna have to stop drinking for a VERY long time because she will be an alcoholic.
Do you have anyone you both care deeply for who has been utterly destroyed by substance abuse? That can really do the trick; I find its more the lack of self-control than the substance that ruins people.
But yeah, if your sister's situation is as serious as you've made it sound, you should insist that your entire family go substance-free in support of her. That being said, handle this problem as though its you, your family and your sister against the alcohol problem rather than your family against her and her booze.
Good luck.
But yeah, if your sister's situation is as serious as you've made it sound, you should insist that your entire family go substance-free in support of her. That being said, handle this problem as though its you, your family and your sister against the alcohol problem rather than your family against her and her booze.
Good luck.
Sounds to me like you're actually a very sensible and reasonable individual . You clearly care greatly for your family's wellbeing, just make sure you have your own looked after too buddy. The best advice is already up here, talk to her. Do it when she is down and calm so the message can really hit home, that way she can listen to you without distraction. Let her know any concerns you have too about trying this stuff out. And also if you can or have already please let us know how things are going - you have supporters here .
. You clearly care greatly for your family's wellbeing, just make sure you have your own looked after too buddy. The best advice is already up here, talk to her. Do it when she is down and calm so the message can really hit home, that way she can listen to you without distraction. Let her know any concerns you have too about trying this stuff out. And also if you can or have already please let us know how things are going - you have supporters here .
Well, try building the relationship on more than spending money on intoxicants. Talk about relationships, watch movies, eat good food... there's an entire world there, why just stick with the one option. The one expensive option? Alcohol isn't cheap!
Place some video games, you know... whatever the two of you want to do together.
If you're really worried, lay the "you're my sister and I love you and don't want you to die from alcohol poisoning" line on her.
Place some video games, you know... whatever the two of you want to do together.
If you're really worried, lay the "you're my sister and I love you and don't want you to die from alcohol poisoning" line on her.
Once again I'm fucking appalled with a large chunk of our community. Granted, most posters in this thread have been helpful, but as usual a disgustingly large amount of people have swaggered in to snipe at the OP and make unhelpful, snide comments. Who the fuck do some of you people think you are, really?
There's nothing I can suggest that hasn't already been said.
Inb4 'You haven't helped either herp derp'; I haven't turned up with delusions of grandeur to mock a member of our community who needs help, either.
There's nothing I can suggest that hasn't already been said.
Inb4 'You haven't helped either herp derp'; I haven't turned up with delusions of grandeur to mock a member of our community who needs help, either.
ATTENTION!!! This is what as known as a defining moment in life, we do not get many of them. No matter how you break it down you will in the end be forced to make a decision of two choices and live with the consequences the rest of your life. Choice one being to continue to enable her, stay quiet, get your vices purchased from her, and be her good friend. This choice could lead to a very short lifespan given her obvious reckless nature. Then one day something does happen and now you live with guilt. But hey, at least you had a friend who bought you beer. Choice two, the hard choice, you will have to make a stand and get others to do it with you and tell her that you are not going to allow her to continue down this self destructive path, an intervention is a start but it is just the beginning, also rehabilitation facilities are good options as well. You and your family will have to help her commit to it by standing firm on your resolve to help her. In the end it will only work if she has it in her to want to get sober, if she is bound and determind to destroy herself there isnt much that can be done, but if you take choice two and in the end she couldnt be helped you wont have to live with the guilt. And guilt is a very heavy burden.atombeast707 said:
I am afraid to have to inform you that what you are saying is incorrect. I live in the UK which is part of europe and there are very strict drinking laws and although now at 14 I may have a drink with a meal under supervision it is ILEGAL to sell a drink to anyone under 18 and if you look like you are under 21 you have to show ID.Azrael the Cat said:
OT. you should probably go to a doctor with these problems rather than the internet.
Wow Zeithri get's banned permanently? I know this is off topic but that's a bit harsh...
Anyway, just do what Booze Zombie said, it's a good idea. Also like some people have said, just because you're parents and siblings have done it, doesn't mean it's fine... Although what do I know I'm only 16 as well =D
Anyway, just do what Booze Zombie said, it's a good idea. Also like some people have said, just because you're parents and siblings have done it, doesn't mean it's fine... Although what do I know I'm only 16 as well =D
I can't really say how to combat drug addiction, but the best way to change someone is to lead AND help by example. I know you don't want to hear it, but as long as she is having fun and everyone around her is doing it, she will not stop. ANY ADDICTION IS A BAD ADDICTION. I want to get that point across to you. If she is addicted, take her out of that state of addiction. If she is just having fun, there is nothing you can ask of her that you won't do yourself.
Note: Getting high or drunk and being addicted to getting high or drunk are two very different things. I doubt you're an addict, but your sister sounds like one. Take her out of the environment if you can, and ease off the drugs with her if you want her to stop.
That's my bit on habits. Hope you read it.
EDIT: And as for your relationship with your sister, I do applaud you good sir for sticking with her and trying to help. Most people would just ignore the problem if there is one, so you're on the right track. However, if you plan to destroy the only bonds between you (i.e. alcohol and weed), she probably will be none to pleased with you. If I were in your position, I would try to get to know my sister a little more. There has to be other things she likes besides mind-altering substances. Try to form a more 'stable' relationship that isn't based on material value.
And I know it isn't my place to tell you how to live but I hope any of this advice helps, even if you don't follow it. Goodluck!
Note: Getting high or drunk and being addicted to getting high or drunk are two very different things. I doubt you're an addict, but your sister sounds like one. Take her out of the environment if you can, and ease off the drugs with her if you want her to stop.
That's my bit on habits. Hope you read it.
EDIT: And as for your relationship with your sister, I do applaud you good sir for sticking with her and trying to help. Most people would just ignore the problem if there is one, so you're on the right track. However, if you plan to destroy the only bonds between you (i.e. alcohol and weed), she probably will be none to pleased with you. If I were in your position, I would try to get to know my sister a little more. There has to be other things she likes besides mind-altering substances. Try to form a more 'stable' relationship that isn't based on material value.
And I know it isn't my place to tell you how to live but I hope any of this advice helps, even if you don't follow it. Goodluck!
