Naughty Privates Looks Doubtful for Xbox Live

Andy Chalk

One Flag, One Fleet, One Cat
Nov 12, 2002
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Naughty Privates Looks Doubtful for Xbox Live


Zombie Cow's upcoming action game Privates [http://www.zombie-cow.com/privates] gleefully goes where no game has gone before, which is precisely why it probably won't be going to the Xbox Live Arcade after all.

Announced earlier this month, Privates will have players donning condom helmets and running around inside the vaginas of teenage British tramps, battling disease and infection wherever it may be found. (No, I am Microsoft [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/100601-Get-Deep-Into-the-Action-With-Privates] says the game's content probably won't pass muster.

"This game has not been submitted to our pre-publication peer review process, and it has not been approved for distribution on Xbox Live Indie Games," explained Microsoft rep David Dennis. "We have guidelines in place that closely track requirements of content ratings boards worldwide and, among other things, prohibit the publication of strong sexual content."

"While we haven't seen this game, we can confirm that if it is consistent with the description we have seen on the Internet, this game would not pass peer review and would not be permitted to be distributed on Xbox Live," he said.

Yet the game actually has an educational bent, according to Zombie Cow co-founder Dan Marshall, who said that while it's obviously aimed at teenage boys, the studio is trying to broaden its appeal by making it entertaining and funny. "There was always going to be a risk it won't pass peer review, but obviously we'll do whatever we can to get the Xbox version out," Marshall wrote. "It'd be a shame if a huge number of teenagers missed out on some quality gaming and vital education because of some abstract, cellular-level innards and pubic hairs."

Privates is scheduled for release this summer.

Source: Seattle PI [http://blog.seattlepi.com/microsoft/archives/206530.asp]


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Jared

The British Paladin
Jul 14, 2009
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Well, its certainly unique at the very least. Although, if not a little...weird, heh.

Well, I am sure some people will find some pleasure on this...
 

Gigaguy64

Special Zero Unit
Apr 22, 2009
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Just reading the description made me Shudder.

OT:It sounds funny, and im wondering about the educational part.
 

Jaqen Hghar

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Feb 11, 2009
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I wouldn't be able to play in on my Xbox anyway, seeing how the Indie Marketplace isn't available here in Norway.

But I guess the Marketplace got some kind of age restriction on games, so why not just give it a higher age requirement? Not that it should matter much anyway, seeing how close you are to things in the screenshot. Nudity isn't that bad when you can't really see the nudity...
 

Evil the White

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Apr 16, 2009
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Since I'm the audience the game is targetting, I think I'll give it a try. You know, because teens you spend their time playing on Steam and chatting in internet forums are the ones most prone to pregnacy and casual sex (that involves real people).
 

Jaebird

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Aug 19, 2008
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Where do I begin?

Teenage boys attend high school. Sexual education is taught (I would hope so) in high school. High school, for the most part, is free. Most teenage boys have internet access, otherwise they couldn't find and purchase this game. Pornography is free on the internet. And finally, the internet can be an educational tool.

Close, but no cigar.

That is to say I'm not dismissing the game from being fun. I'm just debunking it's unusual premise.
 

Deofuta

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Nov 10, 2009
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ForgottenPr0digy said:
Fear the vagina
Quote of the Day

Honestly I see no harm in this being released on XBL. It is hardly of a sexual manner, which is what I am sure the rules deigning acceptability for XBL distribution are getting at. I do not think I would be picking this one up though, unless it was amazing. Maybe its time to look for a youtube video...
 

Onyx Oblivion

Borderlands Addict. Again.
Sep 9, 2008
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Microsoft is secretly planning to make this a full on Arcade game, with achievements and everything.
 

MrPop

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May 14, 2009
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The PC version is free from channel4.com. So I don't think it matters at all.

Why pay for it on the Xbox?
 

rembrandtqeinstein

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Sep 4, 2009
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that is certainly unexpected, I thought it was a porn game from the title

hey if it educates dumb kids about stds what is wrong with it?
 

DazZ.

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Jun 4, 2009
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Pretty sure I'm a Zombie Cow fan.
I loved the humour of "Time Gentlemen, Please." so I'll be sure to look into this.

Especially as it's free for PC. :D
 

DigitalSushi

a gallardo? fine, I'll take it.
Dec 24, 2008
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See if it was actually educational then I'd fully endorse this product.

You know, like in Resident Evil the acid rounds are best kept for that snake, well in a game like this then the Famvir ammo is effective against "love sores".
 

InsanityRequiem

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Nov 9, 2009
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Jbird said:
Where do I begin?

Teenage boys attend high school. Sexual education is taught (I would hope so) in high school. High school, for the most part, is free. Most teenage boys have internet access, otherwise they couldn't find and purchase this game. Pornography is free on the internet. And finally, the internet can be an educational tool.

Close, but no cigar.

That is to say I'm not dismissing the game from being fun. I'm just debunking it's unusual premise.
And the school educational system's Sex-Ed are rather lacking. Horribly. I don't even remember a sex-ed part of health when I went to high school. And I went every day.

Pornography is a fake means to learn about sex. All men should have extra-large monsters for dicks and women are easy to screw and can orgasm at first fuck. Also bareback is perfectly okay.

If this game can teach how safe sex is better than barebacking, I'm all for it.
 

Treblaine

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Jul 25, 2008
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What a lovely Walled Garden XBLA is. (photo courtesy of Alabama State Prison - inmate's garden)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walled_garden_%28technology%29

This is why even if I dabble with XBox I will never abandon PC gaming. God damn it I fucking hate these De-Facto censorship boards which are inevitable with CLOSED systems like XBLA and Apple's "App-store". I can guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg.
 

Jaebird

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Aug 19, 2008
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If you're a game company, and you want to make sex ed fun, then I say just adapt The Magic School Bus into a game. They've been inside the human body before.

Actually, that would be really awesome. No joke.
 

Treblaine

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Jul 25, 2008
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Evil the White said:
Since I'm the audience the game is targetting, I think I'll give it a try. You know, because teens you spend their time playing on Steam and chatting in internet forums are the ones most prone to pregnacy and casual sex (that involves real people).
LOL!

The double irony* is the foul mouthed douchebags frat-boys on XBL seem to be those most likely to end up getting a girl pregnant or contracting an STI then not getting it treated. Yet Microsoft are blocking them!

Maybe I'm judging harshly by just what I heard in the mic-spam but while inbred rednecks may not be a majority, they are certainly a very significant and vocal minority.

(*Is it irony? It is certainly goes against any expected effect or aim through serendipity and isn't some Alanis Morriset dumbness like "rain on your wedding day")