Need advice: Depression/General Blehness

[Dectomax]

I'll start off on a good note, I've spent up until now a happy guy. At points where everyone else was stressing and worrying I've been care free and unworried and you could go as far as being indifferent. Then stuff happened and things went down hill.

First off, this has been building up for a while. I could feel it, that churning in your stomach at certain times. Listening to certain songs or just seeing certain scenes. A kind of longing, a gut wrenching pull to experience and feel more. I suppressed it and just kept going but recently things have tipped the scales.

It started when I met my first Girlfriend ( You never saw that coming... ) We were together for six months and as foolish as it was ( being only 17 at the time ) I loved this girl, infact that doesn't even begin to explain it, she was beautiful, amazing and a whole bunch of other mushy stuff. We were long distance, she had moved away and we both agreed to keep it going. It went ok for a while. I caught the train up to see her every break from college staying with her for the week or two I had off and it was great. Then as you probably expected, things went bad.

On the night BEFORE my University interview I got a text from her saying she wanted to end it. ( Long story short - it destroyed me ) The next day I flumped my interview, from a mixture of no sleep and little drive - Trust me I tried, I wanted that place in Uni so bad - It wasn't surprising I was turned down again, in the same week.

That was just the start, it's been a little over a year from then and things aren't much better. I don't want another relationship, because frankly, it's still hurting. People have said it and it's true, you won't forget your first love. Yet even that I bottled up. I kept going and went back to college, to do another course ( More carefully chosen ). Yet I just feel so apart from the people. I'm not great at making friends. I hate socializing and I find it VERY difficult to talk to people that I don't know. I don't feel like part of my class and I accept that. I've got a few friends in the group and I'm fine with that. Or I was.

I keep getting that longing feeling and that sense of being different from everyone else. Like I'm not the same as anyone else. I don't fit in with people, I don't feel confidant in my ability to go up and speak with girls. Infact, I'm terrible at that. Yet at the same time I have this underlying need to feel loved, I want to be accepted, to know that I'm not some kind of anti-social freak. I don't feel like I can do anything, that I'm just floating and the tides taking me where ever it wants. I feel totally helpless. I look about and I see all the people walking about, the pretty girls and the groups of mates, all the couples and I just feel so inadequate. Everythings just been coming out over the last few months and I've really felt like I can't take it. It's like carrying a tank on my shoulder and every step I take it adds a ton.

I just don't feel like I matter. I've stood at night looking over a bridge, thinking about these things and what would happen if I just jumped. Yeah, some of my family would miss me, for a while but ultimately after a few years it wouldn't matter. The world wouldn't know or care who I am or what I done. I just feel so helpless and insignificant, like whatever I do I'm just going to fail.


Gah...I'll drop it there, because I don't want to depress you too, but seriously? What is wrong with me?


EDIT: Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense, I just really needed to get this off my chest and I couldn't quite explain everything as I wanted too. ( 2am - words are not my friend )

 

[renegade7]

I know where you're coming from man. My first break up was hell. I seriously thought I would just die in my sleep from sheer despair.

Here's my advice: find something you really enjoy doing, and do it a lot. Just keep your mind off her, and you'll feel better in no time.

There's a good side to this though: You got it right out of the way, not a long drawn out period of her not answering the phone or something and then you logging into Facebook one night to see a picture of her arm in arm with some other guy. Long distance relationships usually don't last. When we go off into the world, we meet new people and maybe fall in love with someone new... and you will too.

Just don't do anything stupid. I can tell you're depressed and that can really cloud judgement.

My other bit of advice would be to just take a break, from relationships, school, everything. Take a couple months to get back on your feet, and then maybe try re-applying to this school when you've got a clearer head. Explain that the last time you interviewed you had just been dumped, and you were depressed and that made the interview go so horribly.

 

[ultrachicken]

About losing that spot in your desired university, realize that going to the "optimal" university is not as important as you think. I know it can be hard to see this, but trust me on this one.

As for the feeling of being different, let me share with you some saturday morning breakfast cereal.

Spoiler

It's not at all uncommon to be down on yourself for not "fitting in," but what few people realize is that fitting in doesn't have to be top priority. There are advantages to being unique.

 

[Griffolion]

You sound a lot like me at your age. I had big trouble making friends at university, fitting in and finding a group of people to hang around with. I still do have trouble with those things, but I have a few people I hang around with by simply pursuing interests I have. So I liked Warhammer, so I hung around at the local shop a bit and made friends there. Also, people in my local church are generally really nice to me and are supportive.

So see if you can get into any common interest groups. You're obviously not the type of person to go out and party and make friends that way. You need to have a mentality for that, some people simply don't have it. I'm exactly the same. If you have a hobby or whatever then see if there's some sort of group for it.

In the deepest core of us all as human beings, we have a need to be loved and accepted because I believe it's something meant to be in us and to be without it (it meaning the need to be loved and accepted) is to be without the reason to live. I'm guessing the relationship with your family is okay, I'm sure your parents love you very much. Concentrate on those things that are positive and that build you up, rather than dwelling on what breaks you down or exposes your current flaws (like seeing groups of friends, couples etc).

Lastly, as for feeling insignificant, we all get that. But I remember this quote, "I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

 

[LT Cannibal 68]

alright i had a friend that went through the same problems as you he had been dumped by his gf after dating for 6 months, all he did was mope around at his house never went out and was generally unpleasant to be around. then me and some of the guys pooled together some of our money and went to a "special" district in town and got him one of the finest looking uhm ladies of the night and paid her to "cheer him up" after two days he was back on his feet and feeling better than ever.

maybe that's what you need, a good poke not necessarily with a lady of the night but maybe a loose girl from the neighborhood. That seemed to work for him maybe it will work for you.