Ok, so it's 3AM right now, I'm tired, not feeling so well (damn you KFC), and I'm freaking out. So apologies for spelling/grammar errors, and if this is in the wrong place or some such.
But, I need to talk this out or something, so yeah, sorry.
So, today there was a book release party at my old hometown that I avoid since three people there actively want me dead. My mother, who tried to have me die in a way that kept her hands clean, her boyfriend, who was on parole for attempted murder and told me all the ways he'd kill me, and my younger brother, who has tried to kill me on at least three separate occasions. But, since it was unlikely that I'd run into them while there, they shouldn't be dumb enough to try anything in public, and since I'd have my boyfriend with me, we went to my hometown. Initially, I was fairly giddy because book party, and because I was able to see my old hometown after a long time away. And largely, the trip was fine. I didn't run into anyone I didn't want to see, we had some good pizza, and the book party was fun. However, good ol' social anxiety had to come on by. The people involved with the book were all quite nice people, but all I largely wanted to do after the dramatic reading was to go hide in a corner, even though like everyone else I wanted to ask questions and take some pictures. I ended up with only a picture that I could muster the courage to ask for, and barely managed a handful of any kinds of questions and comments to all the people. The rest of the time I spent standing around, trying to muster the courage to say anything and to figure out what to say, and judging by how a few of them looked, I was making them uncomfortable with this.
I can't stand this. I want to be able to talk with people, but I can't. Some stupid thing in my head just makes me not want to do this, and instead want to seek out somewhere to hid and not bother anyone. I want to be able to talk to people, but I can't.
To make matters worse, the short time I was back there felt more like home than the 2+ years I've been living with my boyfriend andd all the wonderful stuff there where he lives. But all the bad crap that comes with my hometown just felt more... right I suppose.
Another thing is that Sunday (tomorrow I suppose) it looks like I'm going with my oldest brother and boyfriend to my old childhood home to attempt to reclaim some of my old stuff. The problem, however, is that my father lives there, and I'm utterly terrified of the man. My brother says that he won't be there, but what if he is? What if all the things I feared him doing, he'll do? I told my brother that if my father's there, then I won't have any of it, andd he'd probably listen to me on that regard, and I suppose that were I not already so upset about messing up with basic human communication and feeling more at home with a place full of psychos than the nice place with my loving boyfriend, I'd be able to think more rationally, but alas, I can't. And besides, my fears of the man aren't unfounded; he's terribly violent, beat my mother, and allegedly caused her to miscarriage twice. I know what you're all saying: just don't go then. Here's the thing though: the reason I had to leave my hometown was because my mother threw me out, and in the process I lost most of my personal effects and the trinkets of my past. I was only able to regain a precious few. I have almost nothing of my past, no ways to remember, and nothing to pass on. There's so litttle out there of me, I feel compelled to try to regain what I can and what I thought was forever lost.
Simply put, I am a mess of a wreck. Many old fears and resentments are very raw and fresh right now, and it's making me nuts. I just want to be able to go on in life, but this kind of crap keeps on holding me in place.
But, I need to talk this out or something, so yeah, sorry.
So, today there was a book release party at my old hometown that I avoid since three people there actively want me dead. My mother, who tried to have me die in a way that kept her hands clean, her boyfriend, who was on parole for attempted murder and told me all the ways he'd kill me, and my younger brother, who has tried to kill me on at least three separate occasions. But, since it was unlikely that I'd run into them while there, they shouldn't be dumb enough to try anything in public, and since I'd have my boyfriend with me, we went to my hometown. Initially, I was fairly giddy because book party, and because I was able to see my old hometown after a long time away. And largely, the trip was fine. I didn't run into anyone I didn't want to see, we had some good pizza, and the book party was fun. However, good ol' social anxiety had to come on by. The people involved with the book were all quite nice people, but all I largely wanted to do after the dramatic reading was to go hide in a corner, even though like everyone else I wanted to ask questions and take some pictures. I ended up with only a picture that I could muster the courage to ask for, and barely managed a handful of any kinds of questions and comments to all the people. The rest of the time I spent standing around, trying to muster the courage to say anything and to figure out what to say, and judging by how a few of them looked, I was making them uncomfortable with this.
I can't stand this. I want to be able to talk with people, but I can't. Some stupid thing in my head just makes me not want to do this, and instead want to seek out somewhere to hid and not bother anyone. I want to be able to talk to people, but I can't.
To make matters worse, the short time I was back there felt more like home than the 2+ years I've been living with my boyfriend andd all the wonderful stuff there where he lives. But all the bad crap that comes with my hometown just felt more... right I suppose.
Another thing is that Sunday (tomorrow I suppose) it looks like I'm going with my oldest brother and boyfriend to my old childhood home to attempt to reclaim some of my old stuff. The problem, however, is that my father lives there, and I'm utterly terrified of the man. My brother says that he won't be there, but what if he is? What if all the things I feared him doing, he'll do? I told my brother that if my father's there, then I won't have any of it, andd he'd probably listen to me on that regard, and I suppose that were I not already so upset about messing up with basic human communication and feeling more at home with a place full of psychos than the nice place with my loving boyfriend, I'd be able to think more rationally, but alas, I can't. And besides, my fears of the man aren't unfounded; he's terribly violent, beat my mother, and allegedly caused her to miscarriage twice. I know what you're all saying: just don't go then. Here's the thing though: the reason I had to leave my hometown was because my mother threw me out, and in the process I lost most of my personal effects and the trinkets of my past. I was only able to regain a precious few. I have almost nothing of my past, no ways to remember, and nothing to pass on. There's so litttle out there of me, I feel compelled to try to regain what I can and what I thought was forever lost.
Simply put, I am a mess of a wreck. Many old fears and resentments are very raw and fresh right now, and it's making me nuts. I just want to be able to go on in life, but this kind of crap keeps on holding me in place.
I wouldn't be.
