Needing help (Relationship problem)

[Ectoplasmicz]

OK. SO here is the problem. I love this girl, and she loves me. We've been on and off getting together for a while now, and the whole time ive been pushing for a relationship. The way we are, its the way to go.

Now she also wants a relationship. She really loves me and wants to be with me permanently in that way. But every time we get so close to a relationship, her friends interfere. They tell her that she shouldn't be with me, and that makes her doubt whether its the right thing. I dont understand this, as the people that tell her not to be with me are actually good friends of mine, and i dont know why they would do this to me (and her).

So pretty much, me and this girl love eachother and both want a relationship, but she backs out when her friends tell her not to.

I dont know what to do and would really appreciate any advice on this situation.

Thanks a bunch guys.

 

[PanYue]

If you take the word 'love' as seriously as I do (and its not puppy love), then perhaps it's a good time to tell your friends to STFU, to put it bluntly. Friends will interfere if you guys are a very bad match sure, but sometimes they may be wrong and it's just one of the obstacles you need to get over.

You could always 'trail' it per se and see how that works out. You could always take the diplomatic route and just sit a friend or two down and just ask Why? And if their answer is terrible, you just go ahead and be together if you let the one you love know how serious you are.

 

[Ectoplasmicz]

If you take the word 'love' as seriously as I do (and its not puppy love), then perhaps it's a good time to tell your friends to STFU, to put it bluntly. Friends will interfere if you guys are a very bad match sure, but sometimes they may be wrong and it's just one of the obstacles you need to get over.

You could always 'trail' it per se and see how that works out. You could always take the diplomatic route and just sit a friend or two down and just ask Why? And if their answer is terrible, you just go ahead and be together if you let the one you love know how serious you are.

I take it seriously as well, trust me. Ive never felt like this about anyone. She knows i love her, and she has made it clear to me that she loves me as well.

There is no way that we are a bad match, we couldn't be more perfect to be honest.

Its a tough one, i dont know which way to go...

 

[Phasmal]

Well you need to talk to your girlfriend about why she lets her friends run her life.
She doesn't -have- to listen to her friends, she can tell them exactly where to go if she likes.
I'd be wondering why she lets her friends pressure her.

 

[Ectoplasmicz]

Well you need to talk to your girlfriend about why she lets her friends run her life.
She doesn't -have- to listen to her friends, she can tell them exactly where to go if she likes.
I'd be wondering why she lets her friends pressure her.

She is a bit...fragile. Little things worry her, and she can get easily confronted.

 

[JesterRaiin]

I dont know what to do and would really appreciate any advice on this situation.

Well, there's no worse advisor than "benignant one". I hate those people, can't stand them and have one thing to tell them : "f*ck you, it's my life".

Talk with your significant other. Don't ask about her feelings or thoughts because you'll end up with either facts you can't argue with or data you won't be able to process. Just say that you're aware of those influences and you think that it's better to take a risk rather than wondering to the rest of your life how it would be.

Afterall, you can always say "goodbye" if things'll go awry, right ?

As a side note : how do you exactly pronounce "ectoplasmicz" ?

She is a bit...fragile. Little things worry her, and she can get easily confronted.

Then you should do your best to assure her about your pure intentions and strength of character she can rely on.

 

[Ectoplasmicz]

I dont know what to do and would really appreciate any advice on this situation.

Well, there's no worse advisor than "benignant one". I hate those people, can't stand them and have one thing to tell them : "f*ck you, it's my life".

Talk with your significant other. Don't ask about her feelings or thoughts because you'll end up with either facts you can't argue with or data you won't be able to process. Just say that you're aware of those influences and you think that it's better to take a risk rather than wondering to the rest of your life how it would be.

Afterall, you can always say "goodbye" if things'll go awry, right ?

As a side note : how do you exactly pronounce "ectoplasmicz" ?

She is a bit...fragile. Little things worry her, and she can get easily confronted.

Then you should do your best to assure her about your pure intentions and strength of character she can rely on.

Love the Escapist, the community is fantastic, always there to help

Youre right, I just need to make sure i approach this situation from the right angle.

Its prounouced (ill do my best at this) : ek-to-plas-mik-zed/zee (your choice )

 

[JesterRaiin]

Love the Escapist, the community is fantastic, always there to help

Youre right, I just need to make sure i approach this situation from the right angle.

Don't try "sewious businez" approach. No "we must talk, NOW".

Ask her to go with you to some nice place.
Treat her with coffee, cake, whatever she likes.
Start the conversation.
Be honest - that's most important. No cheap moves, no dirty tricks.
Just say what you feel.

Say about other people influencing her.
You may add "your friends may support you or not, but i'll promise i'll be with you whenever you need me".
Don't try to put them in bad light. "Me vs them" is a bad move. VERY bad move.
Point out that they may see some traits of your characters you're not even aware of, but they aren't you and they don't know all of you, while on the other hand you think it is she who knows you best.

And since she's fragile, don't FORCE the answer out of her right there, right then. Give her space, time.
"I'm ready to commit more, but i don't want to force you into something you're not ready. Just know, this is what i want and i'll try to earn it if you'll allow me".

...and stuff. I know you're creative enough.

Its prounouced (ill do my best at this) : ek-to-plas-mik-zed/zee (your choice )

In my language it would similar to Ecto-Plas-Mitch.

 

[Ectoplasmicz]

Love the Escapist, the community is fantastic, always there to help

Youre right, I just need to make sure i approach this situation from the right angle.

Don't try "sewious businez" approach. No "we must talk, NOW".

Ask her to go with you to some nice place.
Treat her with coffee, cake, whatever she likes.
Start the conversation.
Be honest - that's most important. No cheap moves, no dirty tricks.
Just say what you feel.

Say about other people influencing her.
You may add "your friends may support you or not, but i'll promise i'll be with you whenever you need me".
Don't try to put them in bad light. "Me vs them" is a bad move. VERY bad move.
Point out that they may see some traits of your characters you're not even aware of, but they aren't you and they don't know all of you, while on the other hand you think it is she who knows you best.

And since she's fragile, don't FORCE the answer out of her right there, right then. Give her space, time.
"I'm ready to commit more, but i don't want to force you into something you're not ready. Just know, this is what i want and i'll try to earn it if you'll allow me".

...and stuff. I know you're creative enough.

Its prounouced (ill do my best at this) : ek-to-plas-mik-zed/zee (your choice )

In my language it would similar to Ecto-Plas-Mitch.

I dont think anyone could've put it better. really appreciate that.

 

[TheBanMan_v1legacy]

My question would be what reasons are your friends giving for why you two shouldn't be together? You say they are good friends of yours, so there must be something missing here. I just feel like we might be missing part of the puzzle is all.

 

[gazumped]

Not sure if I can offer a complete answer, but this may be food for thought...

I can think of a few reasons why your friends may be warning her off, maybe if you recognise which it is, it'd help you talk to them about what they're doing (or perhaps realise they're right to do so).

1. You're a dick to women. Or at least a bit of a dick. You might not realise it but you have a reputation for being insensitive, selfish or unfaithful. You might not realise it BECAUSE you're kind of insensitive or selfish.
This one sprung to mind fastest for me because a couple of people in my friendship circle had a major falling out once because one of them told her friend to be careful of the other one because he had a bad history with girls (mostly sleeping with more than one person at a time, although when he was sixteen and in a particularly bad place at the time he hit his girlfriend a few times, too). He was outraged that she was 'stirring' things and avoided her like the plague, and once bitched about it to me, and all I could say was "Uh, look man, you know I think you're an alright person, but if my friend took an interest in you in that way I'd tell her to watch her step as well."
And if she's as fragile as you say, your friends will be extra protective of her.

2. They're simply worried that (if/)when you break up, it's going to cause all kinds of awkwardness in your friendship group. I've got with a guy or two who are friends of my friends, usually everyone's all OH MY GOD IT'S SO AMAZING YOU TWO ARE A COUPLE NOW AND WE CAN SEE YOU BOTH ALL THE TIME. Then you break up and wonder why the hell no one talked you out of it, now you basically can't see your friends anymore because S/HE'S always with them!
Your friends may just be being more foresightful than my friends.

3. They know something you don't. Maybe she's talked to them about how much of a bad idea it would be if you got together, that she doesn't think it'd work out, that she probably only thinks she wants to be with you because she's not got any other offers. Now, even if she HAS said these things, it doesn't mean she meant them, it could well have been her trying to make herself feel better about the fact that she wasn't with you (for whatever reason that was at the time).
But from your friends' perspectives, she's just gone "I'd be unhappy with him, I only want to be with him because I'm lonely. UH, WAIT, I MEAN... I WANT TO BE WITH HIM, TOTALLY, HONEST!" and they're trying to talk her out of making a mistake. Also, she may well have asked them not to share with you what she's said about you outside of your hearing, which may be why this hasn't been explained to you, if it is indeed the explanation.

Okay, that's all I can think of right now, I'll come back if more occur to me...

 

[Slash Dementia]

Take your friend aside and talk to her seriously. Explain what's going on and tell her that you want to be together or at least try to. Ask her why her friends think you two are a bad match, and ask what she thinks. Speak to her. Reassure her that you want to be with her. Things won't be perfect, no, things never are, but they can be good. And good is, well, good.

Though, if she's easily swayed to not be with you, then I don't know what's happening there. My girlfriend was afraid to be with me because of having a commitment, but she eventually agreed to be and we're great together. We communicate everything we can, and it's just really nice. We're comfortable together and we're ourselves with each other. If she were really that into you, she would probably have agreed--or maybe she needs something more.

 

[Lederin]

Talk to her, tell her that if she wants to be in a relationship with you then she has to decided that herself, not listen to what her friends tell her. If they don't like you that's their problem, not her's.

If she doesn't decided for herself whether she wants you be with you or not, your relationship would be flawed from the start and if she loves why WOULDN'T she want to be with you?

Hope it all goes well!