When Too Human was first announced, I came under the impression that it would actually be a game of epic quality, perhaps with innovative gameplay or at least decent graphics.
What did I get? An over-hyped version of Gauntlet, that?s what. But if I?m going to explain what I mean, I?ll do it from the beginning.
I borrowed this game from a friend, in a temporary trade for the original Left 4 Dead. He tells me he?s having a lot of fun playing the campaigns on that game, while I?m convulsing in fits of gamer rage at this load of crap.
I load the game into the disc tray. The Xbox 360 denies its existence. So I try again, and it finally accepts. Maybe it was trying to warn me. I missed the first cutscene, due to it being shown at a stupid time - Before the main menu, so you skip it along with the designer logos.
I chose a Champion class character, going for the jack of all trades. At this point, I thought the game was going to be a form of RPG, maybe a more linear RPG than I?m used to, but an RPG all the same. In fact, I was hoping for something linear, since I?m now bored of sandbox.
Before I delve too deeply into anything concerning this game, I must inform you all. The only connection to Norse mythology this game holds is the names. It is NOT a sci-fi re-imagining of any legends, it?s just some guys fighting robots that are coincidentally named after the Norse Gods. And, Thor carries a big hammer. And Loki?s a dick. But that?s really all the connection. The rest is just names.
Exciting stuff, huh?
You play Baldur, and you seem to be doing something for some reason. That?s about as clear as it is.
I think you?re supposed to hunt Grendel, or rather, GRNDL-1. Because, apparently, vowels aren?t cool in the future. At least, that?s the first part. The entire game seems to be based around Baldur being told something, throwing a fit, then deciding somebody has to die for it. And going off to hunt them, dying several times in the process.
The basic gameplay has you fending off hordes of robots with a melee weapon and a gun of some kind. You use the left stick to move, and the right stick to swing the melee weapon. No camera controls, except for the compulsory ?switch back to behind you? mode. Levels are structured in one basic way. Run along monster-infested corridor/bridge. Fight horde in open space. Repeat until bored. That?s all there is to the game.
But, let?s look a little deeper. First, we?ll focus on combat. More specifically, for this first part, the weaponry.
The melee weapon can be either a sword, a hammer, or a staff. And, if I?m honest, you won?t use the staff. It?s too slow and just plain useless. The hammer is fun, but it just hasn?t got the same effect as the sword. So you?ll use the sword. It seems to me that the game wants you to use a sword, but doesn?t want to limit your freedom, so it spitefully throws a few rusted hunks of metal at you, telling you they?re super-powerful blunters.
Next is the option to use ranged weaponry. Obviously, you wield both a ranged weapon and your sword at the same time. Just hold the right trigger to shoot.
The first question on your mind might well be ?But how do I aim without a camera control??
The answer: Baldur does it for you. Badly, of course. He blankly refuses to shoot at anything that might be dangerous.
You can pick between the dual pistols, the rifle, or, if you chose the Cybernetic path at the completely pointless lifestyle choice question, cannons. Here, the game gives you both more and less freedom. All the ranged weapons are pretty much equal, although none of them actually hurt anything, so although you can pick whichever gun you want, you won?t want any because the only thing that hurts robots is your sword.
Next we have the armour. Too Human is under the impression that using the formula ?the *adjective* *weapon* of *noun*? automatically makes things cool, so we end up with what I call Cardboard Sword of the Bunny syndrome. The name stems from my refusal to use a sword in some free MMO simply because it was named the above. I will NOT use a cardboard sword, and the bunny isn?t exactly something I?m proud of being associated with.
But, back on topic. Every piece of armour, and every weapon, is the Tough Breastplate of Dexterity, or some variant thereupon.
One of the more irritating aspects of the armour is that it just looks stupid. I had hoped that I?d keep the same outfit during the game, or perhaps be given new armours at various points, but at least keeping the same outfit.
I found myself fighting monsters wearing bright pink and green, because the best armour I owned happened to clash. Horribly.
The final part of combat I want us to focus on is Death. Maybe you think this is a shallow subject? That it?ll only occur within the game a few times?
Well, it won?t. You WILL die. And you will die a LOT. Turns out that these Norse Gods are about as tough as cardboard swords and rabbits. Ok, so you can fend off a few hundred robot elves. That?s no trouble at all. But there are certain leader enemies, such as that stupid robot spider thing, that will kill you. Over and over again. But, fortunately, there is no penalty for death. You die, a Valkyrie descends, lifts you up into an orange hole in the sky, then suddenly you?re thirty feet away from where you fell. With no penalty whatsoever. So you throw yourself at the spider. He kills you again, but you?re winning because he can?t regenerate his health.
You will see this more often than you will ever have hot meals.
Now that I?ve mentioned shallow subjects, perhaps it?s time to talk about the story?
So far, I?ve gathered that the story is completely pointless. I admit, I?ve not played through to the end. There?s a reason for that though. I couldn?t care less about Baldur, and I couldn?t care less if this variant of the human race was raped by a machine. I can?t stand the Aesir, that is, the Gods you hang around with. They?re supposed to protect people. And that?s what they do. They send?people. They?re like generals. There?s Baldur and Thor that actually do anything. We have the likes of Freya, whose job seems to be to keep the spirits up, even if it means sleeping with everyone bar Thor. And they?re all I can name. The game does a terrible job of introducing people.
So far in the story, Baldur went on a revenge quest against GRNDL-1, for no real reason. Two guys tried to beat Baldur up in a bar, then the big machine showed up, killed some people, and Baldur?s decided it?s a personal grudge.
Sometime after he destroys it, Freya rather cleverly drops hints that Baldur?s wife was murdered on purpose, or something, so Baldur gets all mad, and she refers him to head office, where he demands permission to kill his wife?s murderer?to which the big boss of the Aesir dryly tells him to go ahead.
Exciting stuff, really.
It?ll seem like I?ve barely scratched the surface of an average Xbox 360 game. But this is really all there is to Too Human. I would not advise paying for it. Here?s a quick summary:
Graphics - Pretty, but flawed.
Levels - Pretty but repetitive.
Combat - Incredibly frustrating, unbalanced, not worth dealing with.
Story - Where?
Playability - I don?t think that?s in the Norse dictionary.
Final score - F*ck all.
