Not marriage material

[Ando85]

I met this girl about 3 years ago and have hung out with her a lot. Every now and then we will go for awhile where we sort of lose contact for a few weeks even, but then start hanging out regularly again.

Our relationship has always seemed casual. We never really even discussed if we were a couple until she started referring me to others as "her boyfriend". At times she seemed pretty clingy, part of the reason why we lose contact for awhile. She is the type that likes to be around people constantly whereas I'm not. I have to have a good balance of "me" time you could say.

I don't dislike hanging out with her, but deep down I know she isn't "the one". Perhaps part of the reason is I'm not really in a stage of my life where I even consider getting married. So many of my friends even younger than me (I'm 26) are married whereas I don't think I'll even consider this until I'm in my mid 30s.

Is it alright to keep on dating someone for a long time when you know they aren't marriage material? Would I be better off moving on?

Interestingly enough what got me thinking about this was playing Catherine. If you have played it you might see some similarities with the character Jonny and myself.

TL;DR- Should I keep dating someone I know I don't want to marry?

 

[Phasmal]

That depends.
You should be honest with her and tell her you dont see your relationship as serious or `going anywhere` so she isn't under any delusions. If she is fine with having a casual relationship, then there's no reason you two can't keep seeing each other, but you should at least give her all the information so she can make that choice.

 

[gazumped]

The thing about marriage is that you think they're "the one" and then they turn out to... not be. And I'm sure the opposite can happen, too.
I mean, I don't want to be married to anyone at all, and it sounds like you don't at the moment either. Does that mean you should be single until you feel grown up and responsible enough to sign a legal contract with someone?

If she's in the same place as you and your relationship is nice as it is, I see no reason to stop it. The only danger I can see is if she's in love with you and that is not reciprocated. If she's serious and you're not, she needs to know the relationship is unbalanced so she can choose to back off a bit or altogether.

 

[Avistew]

I'm not sure why you say she's not marriage material. Since you're the one who doesn't want to marry, seems to me YOU are not marriage material.
And dating here sounds fine to me as long as you're honest about the fact you don't want to get married. Marriage isn't a compulsory step in a relationship, some people never get married and they're fine. But she needs to know what to expect, don't lead her on.

 

[lettucethesallad]

Just as long as she understands that you don't see her as a long-term prospect (because I'm guessing that's what you mean by marriage material? That you'd want to be with her in the long run?), then by all means it's fine. If both parties of a relationship are on the same page as to where they're at and where they're headed, anything goes. It's when there's an imbalance (say, if she wants to settle down with you and have kids when you're just seeing it as something casual) that someone can get seriously hurt.

 

[CuteRocketeer]

I think there are two issues to deal with here. Firstly, you should put serious consideration into making a clean break with the current girl so she can move on with her life. Although you are clear that this is only a casual relationship, she doesn't necessarily share this view and prolonging this is likely to hurt her. The other reason to move on is that you don't seem to be getting any genuine enjoyment from this relationship and that is costing you an opportunity to find someone who will bring joy to your life.

Other than that I feel you can date someone you don't intend to marry, on the condition that you make it known you aren't looking to settle down yet and you are prepared to make this clear to your partner the instant they start heading in a direction you aren't ready for and/or interested in. You could cause serious pain to someone if they unknowingly 'waste' time in a relationship that was never going to progress. I believe that even if you only want casual relationships for now, you don't have to hurt anyone in the process.

 

[Ando85]

As a married man, I dated my wife for 9 years before I asked her to marry me. I'm an all or nothing guy. Either I know 100% or I don't do it.

I have a friend whose wife married him not because she loved him, but because she needed a crutch for her. Now their getting divorced after almost 20 years of marriage.

The moral of these two stories, if you know this is someone you can spend your life with....your whole life....then marriage is great. If you don't see yourself doing so and really nothing is going to change about that....stop being a douche and break it off. If you're just going for nookie and someone to hang out with...make some friends and hire a hooker.

Staying with someone because you don't want to marry them is selfish of you. Unless she feels the same. In all, she probably doesn't...which yes...makes you the asshole for stringing her along.

Actually I think she feels the same way. We have never discussed the issue directly, but we once talked about how marriage and children is something not to consider until we are in our 30s. I ask for advice and you respond in an insulting manner. Thanks.

 

[Gustavo S. Buschle]

Don't let the relationship run until she gets pissed that you are not paying enough attention to her, I did that to my ex and the result was very nasty. Talk to her about this, it's bad, but not as bad as acting like you know whats best for her. My situation was similar to yours the difference is that I actually confessed that I loved her then we started to properly date, the thing is that after not seeing her for a long time I came to realize that I miss her.