Not yourself anymore

[Tonimata]

I've been through, and still am trapped in a downward-spiralling consequence of events that has completely changed my life, and subsequently, who I am as a person. Picture a young bird being thrown into a wood chipper, and you'll pretty much have an idea of how my life has changed.

My question to you, Escapists, is: Has your life ever been so cruel to you, setting so big a difference between what you need and what you actually get, that you've, willingly or not, changed to the extent to which you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror, to where even your own thoughts scare you, and your nightmares keep you awake at night, showing you terrifying images of how your life will crumble even further?

...And if so, what did you do, or are doing, to make the situation better?

 

[LongAndShort]

Shit man, that sounds pretty serious. Can't say I've been where you've been before, and I've been to some pretty bad places.

Sounds like one of those circumstances where professional help will work better than an internet forum.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

Not at all... I've only just realized how stable my life actually is! I think you should maybe just... go with the flow. I really don't know...

 

[BonsaiK]

I've been through, and still am trapped in a downward-spiralling consequence of events that has completely changed my life, and subsequently, who I am as a person. Picture a young bird being thrown into a wood chipper, and you'll pretty much have an idea of how my life has changed.

My question to you, Escapists, is: Has your life ever been so cruel to you, setting so big a difference between what you need and what you actually get, that you've, willingly or not, changed to the extent to which you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror, to where even your own thoughts scare you, and your nightmares keep you awake at night, showing you terrifying images of how your life will crumble even further?

...And if so, what did you do, or are doing, to make the situation better?

Kind of. What happened to me is that life as a teenager and my early 20s was so cruel and set such a big difference between what I needed and what I was getting, that I changed my life in many totally awesome ways that ended up in me reaping amazing benefits and living a life of pure awesomeness by the time I was 30. It's only gotten better since then too. These days I have everything I need and life is generally pretty amazing.

 

[ViolentlyHappy91]

I'm forcing myself off cigarettes, I cry daily, and I now look at the night sky and think late at night. I've changed how I am to other people, generally becomming much more pleasent, but it's not who I was just a few months ago, and it did take a bad series of events to make that change.

 

[Blackjack 222]

Looking for a job for the past 7 months(one that i can keep without being replaced)

 

[azncutthroat]

I don't have the nightmares or sleep deprivation, the worst I got is falling into multiple day-long depressions where I don't talk to anyone and basically lock myself inside my room and never go outside my house.

The only thing I can do when this happens is to just wait it out, deal with it, and hope I won't have to deal with it tomorrow.

 

[Marter]

Yes, something has happened like this to me. Except in my case, it made me a better person, after a short but intense period of depression.

 

[Tonimata]

I've been through, and still am trapped in a downward-spiralling consequence of events that has completely changed my life, and subsequently, who I am as a person. Picture a young bird being thrown into a wood chipper, and you'll pretty much have an idea of how my life has changed.

My question to you, Escapists, is: Has your life ever been so cruel to you, setting so big a difference between what you need and what you actually get, that you've, willingly or not, changed to the extent to which you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror, to where even your own thoughts scare you, and your nightmares keep you awake at night, showing you terrifying images of how your life will crumble even further?

...And if so, what did you do, or are doing, to make the situation better?

Kind of. What happened to me is that life as a teenager and my early 20s was so cruel and set such a big difference between what I needed and what I was getting, that I changed my life in many totally awesome ways that ended up in me reaping amazing benefits and living a life of pure awesomeness by the time I was 30. It's only gotten better since then too. These days I have everything I need and life is generally pretty amazing.

I have exactly the same problem. I feel like, as a living, feeling human, regardless of how much I try to deny that reality, am not getting what I need at all. My family is falling apart in so many ways it's almost laughable out of pure sardonicysm. My mother is suffering from cancer, my father is manipulating my bipolar brother in his divorce, my grandmother is going, quite literally, insane with Alzheimer's, my uncle is being bleeded by his dumb ***** of a girlfriend, etc...

On other fronts, my dreams to go live and study in another country have completely fell through due to our poor economic conditions, and now I'm forced to remain in this country, which I despise so much, for another 4 years, in order to study the best career I found, which isn't by far what I wanted to study, whilst having to make my mother help me pay it, because my father is no longer bothered with my education, just because I didn't choose the subjects he would've wanted me to study.

So yeah, if you've been through similar stuff, I feel for you, BonsaiK. But knowing that getting out of it is possible is very reassuring.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

 

[comadorcrack]

When life gets tough I always listen to this...

Ah good ol' Frankie.

At the moment my life is changing dramaticly, I'm pretty sure I failed all my A-Levels so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. The only thing thats staying constant is my Girlfriend.
We'll probably end up moving State-side after we make enough money...

 

[Magic Cheese]

I lost my father earlier this year. He was my role model, my psychiatrist and my best friend. The trick is to take each day at a time and try to set aside enough time each day to do something you love, preferably *with* someone you love.

*Edit: Sorry if this post came out a bit emo.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

I went through a very long period of barely recognizing myself, and being unable to look in the mirror without feeling a sense of deep self-loathing and 'it's all your fault'-syndrome. Lately, though, I can see myself and feel confident, beautiful, and powerful. Most of the time.

I do believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you ever need to talk, I'll be here for you.

 

[Tonimata]

Yes, something has happened like this to me. Except in my case, it made me a better person, after a short but intense period of depression.

That's what I'm hoping will happen to me too...

 

[Disaster Button]

When I was younger I was always excitable, bubblly, outgoing and all kinds of shiny adjectives but ever since I was bullied, lost all my friends, more or less treated like dirt I've become a lot more reclusive, pessimistic, sarcastic, etc. That was when I was about 12 and I'm 17 now, it just sort of got worse over time. I have no idea how to fix it or if its even possible but its a very big change in who I am and was.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

well, considering the number of times I've been in debt, the number of times i had no friends to back me, the number of times i flew off the hook and ruined stuff because of a missunderstanding... 3 times when i litterally had to harm myself to keep myself from committing murder... well i can kinda identify with you on the lack of self identification thing... trust me, if you look at your life in a straight emotionless logical way, straighten everything out into objectives. for instance: primary objective: go to work, Secondary objectives: get lunch, do a load of laundry. Tertiary objectives(these are usually the optional stuff): stop at a store for new underwear, and a thing of deoderant.

if you objectivise your life in the direct way like that, putting survival at the front, and letting everything emotional go, you can get your life in order, get it back on track, then you can deal with re-identifying yourself in a more positive way. it's kept me from suicide at least 3 times doing that... so yeah, i figure it could help you.