Obsessing much?

[hortez the champion of the frozen wastes]

To be honest I don't even know why I'm posting this here.

To anyone who looks at all the relationship problem threads, you might know me (probably not) as a constant crusader for the art of attraction and seduction through the means of basic psychology. otherwise known as being a pick-up artist. About three people here have actually acknowledged its enormous effectiveness, but that's not the issue right now.

The issue is that I need girl help that Neil Strauss hasn't advised on; obsession.

So I have been talking to this girl online for awhile, but then I went through 6 weeks of being ignored and shunned by girls and I sort of fixated on her, feeling guilty for even thinking of other girls.
After the 6 weeks of terror were over I went on a couple outings with her where I got several IOI's (signs of attraction[indicators of interest]) but nothing really happened.

However then I saw her profile picture was of her kissing some dude. The words completely devastated come to mind.

And this is where I realized I have been obsessing over her. I keep having to tear myself away from Facebook to check if shes online yet. I've started shaking and laughing for no reason. I don't have $300 dollars an hour to see a therapist and neither does anyone I could borrow from.

But the thing is, whenever I think of giving up on her, my mind utterly rejects it. I've been through many romantic failures in the past (without success) and the idea of giving up again is abhorrent to me. And this may be the obsession talking, but from a purely analytical standpoint, shes probably the coolest girl I've ever spoken to.

So do you know if there is a way to break my obsession but still romantically pursue her? I know now that she does casually date people, so I don't expect this to last long. Should I just forget about her completely and add another tally mark to the wall of failure?

 

[Insanum]

Cut all contact (im recommending this a lot lately...)

Remove her from facebook, any instant messaging and text messages. its the best way to cure obsession/possesiveness - completely cold turkey.

Dont do something "to not think about her" as the reverse psycology will render your efforts void.

Just cut all contact, continue on with your life the best you can, and see about meeting new people.

It will get easier with time, I promise.

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

As Insanum said, the best method is to just cut her off like that. I did this with a girl early this year as I knew if I kept obsessing over her it'll ruin me. So I removed her off facebook, my phone etc etc.

 

[Zaik]

No. You can't do it.

If you had the ability to do it, you already would have instead of posting here. There's really no method to it.

You can either stay obsessed until she dates enough other people that you get so hurt over it you completely lose interest, or you can just cut it off entirely until you lose interest.

Common sense recommends the latter, though many people(including myself once) did the former anyway. Might be a good learning experience for you if nothing else.

 

[DuplicateValue]

I wouldn't cut her off if I was you.

As you said, you've been talking for quite a while, so cutting her off would confuse her and probably hurt her self-esteem, especially with no prior warning or signs.

My advice would be to try and pursue other girls to lessen the obsession with her, then when you think you can handle it, take your chance and ask her out.

 

[likalaruku]

It's kind of unhealty to cling to someone just because they paid attention to you. You set yourself up for dependancy & make it that much worse when dissapointment hits. That leads to increased depression.

It sounds line you may be a shy introvert chasing after an extraverted social butterfly. If this is true, the two of you are not compatible.

Try talking to real women off the internet. Aim for women in your own number, meaning that if you are a 5, only hit on women who's attractiveness is 5 or below. Why? Because you have a better chance when you're goals are realistic. A guy who is a 3 & thinks he can date a 7 is a fool (unless he has money & that's all she's a leech).

If your problem is speaking to a woman in person, try finding local area hobby-specific chat rooms to get to know a few women impersonally first. Odds are those women are shy too.

THE HAPPY PART: If you want a REAL relationship, make a friend before jumping into dating. An excelent way to meet girls with similar interest is to join a loacal club. Try Meetup.com. You type in your interest & state/county. The group talks in a forum & decides on a day & place to meet in person once a month. If your interest is comics, video games, movies, anime, whatever, you're chances are increased because ALL of the women there WILL talk to you out of shared interest.

 

[Doive]

But the thing is, whenever I think of giving up on her, my mind utterly rejects it. I've been through many romantic failures in the past (without success) and the idea of giving up again is abhorrent to me. And this may be the obsession talking, but from a purely analytical standpoint, shes probably the coolest girl I've ever spoken to.

Of course that is the obsession talking, from a purely analytical standpoint no-one is as perfect as you seem to think she is, you've just put her on a pedestal. I realise we're all susceptible to this but you seem to have identified it, now you need to accept it and move on.

After the 6 weeks of terror were over I went on a couple outings with her where I got several IOI's (signs of attraction[indicators of interest]) but nothing really happened.

If you see yourself as a "pick-up artist" then perhaps you should look at why nothing happened. A few signs of attraction as identified in some guys book etc don't mean anything. Body signals can stem from several areas of human emotion, not neccessarily attraction.

As for whether or not you should continue to pursue her, don't break off all contact with her but it seems to me you need to relax about it. If you're shaking and laughing because of her then just continue to chat with her until you can take the possibility of rejection without suffering a breakdown.

 

[jamradar]

Tell one of your friends to throw your computer out of a very high window. That way the temptation is not even there.

 

[Imp Poster]

This girl has you around her fingers. She maybe teasing you into believing something she may not feel for you or maybe she does. You don't get to express your feelings by not saying what you want to say and not show her what you want to show her. Yet, all you can think of is the nice things about her, how well both of you interact, etc. Well, when a kid goes to Wal-Mart and sees something he really wants and the mom says no, what do they do? pout and cry.

To me, obsession and infatuation are adultish version of pouting and crying. It doesn't get you anywhere. You need to use your head(the one with the brain in it). See what's going on and act accordingly to that. Or you can emotionally torture yourself and end up depressed possibly. You got to use your feelings for checks and balances if something is real, but feelings shouldn't be the basis or foundation of a relationship. I couldn't nor wouldn't trust my feelings, they change constantly. But dam sure feels good when my girl all of a sudden comes up for a cuddle and I don't care why.

Whatever she is, it seems like it is not working out for you or you are taking it the wrong way.

 

[Mr.Pandah]

Why not just ask her on another date? You've already done so before...unless the idea of her being with other guys bothers you. Just try and do other stuff in the meantime. Don't talk the poor girl, but just let her know you're still interested. Thats my best advice.

 

[CrashBang]

I wouldn't call it 'failure' if you choose to move on and try to forget about her, it's just experience and, in my opinion, definitely the right move to make. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl to fixate on. Moving on from an obsession is extremely difficult but it'll certainly make you an emotionally stronger person

 

[zombiesinc]

So do you know if there is a way to break my obsession but still romantically pursue her? I know now that she does casually date people, so I don't expect this to last long. Should I just forget about her completely and add another tally mark to the wall of failure?

She doesn't seem as interested as she should be to justify dating her, at least in my opinion. I know that many people like to casually date, but it doesn't sound like something you'd handle well. You have intense feelings for her, so I don't think it's in your best interest to then go and date her for a short period of time. She'll likely dump you when she gets bored, or interested in another guy, which will really hurt you. It'll hurt you more than if you try to stop talking to her as often, if not altogether.

Your feelings towards this girl are amplified by the fact that your previous relationships or lack thereof haven't gone well, and have hurt you. Those past negative experiences have made this girl seem all the much better, because not only is she cool, but she's showed interested. What you need to keep in mind though, is that you don't know just how many other guys she's also showed interest in around the same time. Ask yourself if that is the type of person you want to get into a relationship with, and open yourself up to any further than you already have.

But, you should realize that just because a relationship doesn't form from a crush, or feelings of yours towards another person aren't mutual, doesn't mean it's a failure. More often than not, feelings aren't mutual, but that's all it is. It's nobody's fault, or wrong doing. It just is.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Being versed in basic psychology, I'd presume you understand the concept of projection.

It sounds like you're doing it. Hard. You have no real reason to be as attached to this person as you are, and clearly they haven't got remotely the same impression from any of the time you've spent together, so my guess - you're pushing her onto yourself as some kind of solution to a personal problem. Sort out what that problem is first, and then you'll be fit to get involved with other people in an honest fashion.

The fact that she casually dates other people means nothing, least of all a lack of genuine commitment. A lot of people casually date because they (perhaps justifiably) don't trust people to be genuine with them and need some proof before they'll settle down, others because they don't understand what they want and are waiting to find it. Either way, judging yourself in relation to how she treats others is pointless.

About the whole pick up artist thing, I don't want to sound hostile but to clarify my position it sickens me. Seriously, it is possible to get laid and not be a giant misogynist. Just learn real empathy and how to care for other individuals in context, not shallow 'techniques' for emulating such.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

You say you know basic psychology, I'm sure you'd have a better idea than most of us.

Try cutting off contanct for ONE day.

Cut off your Internet and see how you react.

If you restore it before the twenty-four hours are up to check on her, then you have a big problem.