Oddyssey reviews Ninja Blade

[Oddyssey]

Deleted...

 

[StingyGamer]

Haha, it was pretty good for your first review. I would suggest changing the layout though. It makes it easier to read. You should do some more of these if you have the time

 

[Oddyssey]

Hey thanks, not quite sure what you mean by layout though, do you mean I should do things a bit more like this.

Gameplay: Well the gameplay for X Game is reallly bad...

Sound: The tracks are so f******* annoying that...

 

[NeedAUserName]

No stop taking a new line for every sentence.

 

[StingyGamer]

Yeah, what he what needausername said lol

 

[Oddyssey]

Ohhhh, I remember, I had to compress it so that I could rea it while recording, so that's my fault,I'll correct it ow.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Pfew, yea, please edit your post so the layout is more readable. You copied it from Word or something? Anyway, I can't really read this properly.

Edit: O that's better, thanks.

 

[Oddyssey]

Some criticisim would be nice....

 

[mjhhiv]

Trying to be a "Zero Punctuation thing" shouldn't be your main goal. You won't reach it. Loads of people have tried to be a ZP thing, and none (or if there have been any, I'm not aware of them) have succeeded. This is going to sound harsh, but Yahtzee is clever and witty. Your review is neither of those two things. Maybe this would have worked a little bit better as a video, but really, just don't try to be Yahtzee. Just try to write naturally; write like yourself, not someone else.

 

[Oddyssey]

I wasn't trying to copy him or achieve his goal, or become him, It was just easier to explain it that way, but still, thanks I will.

 

[D_987]

Hi guys, this is my first post and is also my first review. This was first supposed to be some kind of Zero Punctuation kind of thing, but here it is in word form.(This doesn't read well and claiming to be "like" Zero Punctuation will only either raise peoples expectations or make them dislike your review for being unoriginal)

Ninja's are one thing that just about every nerd wants to be and admires, so most nerds will be drawn to Ninja Blade like a fly to a lump of extremely potent
horse excrement. However, the rest of the population of the world will most likely download the demo and then wish they hadn't as they'd just wasted 10 minutes of their life,and that's exactly why I'm going to waste the next 4-5 minutes of your life rambling about it.(You don't tell the reader anything about the game at all, in fact you just appear to go off on an unnecessary tangent)

Ok, so you're character is Ken, no not that Ken, but Ken, and at the beginning of the game a lengthy chunk of text appears quickly fades and is supposed to explain about some kind of outbreak. a outbreak of what? We don't know, and much like George Samson's career, we'll never care (Poor reference, as I am British I understand the reference but this is an American site and a large percentage of your audience may not). Anyway a helicopter flies over Tokyo with you and your 4 ninja friends. One of them explains your mission, 3 jump out, the last guy gives you a sword for no reason. Then you discover the horrifying core of the game which is bloody quicktime events.(I dislike the use of the word "bloody" and again, theres no detail - to me and most likely other readers - it appears you just didn't pay attention to the plot.)

You are warned about these events, but you'll get repetivley killed by them for one simple reason, and that's rankings.After the event, the game gives you a rank for your timing, ranking from bad to perfect. You'll constantly try to get perfect by hitting the button at the last nanosecond, then dying. However,instead of dying, the game just rewinds with a greyscale tone on it.

Add this together with the fact that it flips in and out of Japanese as if it has turrets, or at least it does in the opening scene.(Well, this is a review of the game, not the demo, but it reads that way - you still havn't given the reader any information about the game other than the main character in a Ninja called Ken and that the game features quick-time events).

This game only exists to take money off the people that enjoyed Ninja Gaiden, apart from that though, I bet even the developers wanted it to go straight to hell, I mean it can't be fun to work on a game that nobody is going to enjoy. But does it do anything right?(Another unnecessary comment, insulting those that may enjoy the game, yet you are yet to even explain why you dislike it.)

In short, no, it does absolutely nothing right. In long, well, almost... Most of it's elements almost get it right. Lets start with the fighting.

You get three swords, well 4 actually, but that's not the pointWell, what is the point then?. You get the Stonerender sword, not unsimilar from the buster blade from Final Fantasy 7, just not quite as big Another reference to games people may not have played. The stonereder sword is used to break shields. Then there are the twin Katanas, which are the quickest of all the weapons. Then their is the longsword type thing which is your classic mediocre weapon. This is were it comes so so close, then fails because these weapons are like a pistol when compared to the shuriken that can put out and start fires. If the 4 swords are a pistol, this is the BFG9000. It wipes pretty much everything out.(This explains nothing to the reader, it reads like a list of standard weapons you get in the game, you don't explain what they do well, or even how they play.)

I touched on the quicktime, events, so lets just forget about them. EXCEPT YOU BLOODY CAN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE IN JUST ABOUT EVERY CUTSCENE OF THE GODFORSAKEN GAME!!!!!!! (Which was the designers intention, this section is unnecessary.)

Sorry, my friends always did say that I needed anger management.(This is a written review, how could you get angry over said feature?)

Now, the next thing that it does wrong is of course, absolutely nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the rest is good, I'm saying that there is no more to it. There's cutscenes with Quicktime events in, then there's the fighting, and there is no more to it. It just feels so empty... (So your saying the game consists of Quick-time events and fighting - no mention of graphics, storyline or gameplay mechanics)

Also TT games and Harmonix has announced Lego Rock Band, that'll be fun to play............NOT!!!!! (Some form of closure would be nice, a clique and unfunny joke is not)

Yeah, my thoughts are in bold, I corrected a few of the spelling and grammar errors but there are too many or me to waste my time on.

 

[funksobeefy]

just because you can review like Zero Punctuation doesn't mean you should. His stuff is funny because its a whole package sort of deal, you get his voice, his stlye of talking the background images and his crude sense of humor. Anything missing in that makes for a very poor review of a game.

Why cant people come up with there own style of review, come on just cause its the escapist doesn't mean you have to review like Ben.

 

[Oddyssey]

Ok, so I am ever so sorry about that,the next one will be far better as that wasn't meant to be what it is, if that makes sense. But thanks anyway.

Just to explain why it seemed like the demo, it's because it was, then I did very little research on the rest of the game and created that as if it was supposed to be the full game, me being too cheap to go out and buy a new one. I'm practically hitting my head of the table now as I didn't realise that we culd review anything, again, expect the next one to be better.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

One little known fact about the human body is that we deteriorate as we age because our new cells are slightly more imperfect with everyone passing moment. As of 2 weeks of age, you are officially growing older, and therefore getting closer to death. The reason for this is because your cells are not being re-created, they're being remade. Like most remakes, you're simply making a copy of something. With every copy, a very slight quality is lost. "Copy of a copy." This is the reason cells age, and also the reason humans grow old.

The reason I bring this up is because that is the biggest problem with this review. You are writing to be more like Zero Punctuation, and are therefore making a copy of someone else's style. This, in all honesty, is your biggest problem. If you put away the "I want to be just like Yahtzee" ideal, then your writing would improve drastically.

Hi guys, this is my first post and is also my first review. This was first supposed to be some kind of Zero Punctuation kind of thing, but here it is in word form. (Once again, do your own thing.)

Ninjas are one thing that just about every nerd wants to be and admires, so most nerds will be drawn to Ninja Blade like a fly to a lump of extremely potent horse excrement. (Consider that you're on a game forum, are you really in any position to call anyone nerds, much less compare them to such a displeasing thing? Don't alienate your readers, invite them.) However, the rest of the population of the world will most likely download the demo, and then wish they hadn't as they'd just wasted 10 minutes of their life. and That's exactly why I'm going to waste the next 4-5 minutes of your life rambling about it. ("I'm going to waste your time." Not a good way to introduce your writing.)

Ok, so Your character is named Ken - no, not that Ken - but still Ken. and At the beginning of the game, a lengthy chunk of text appears quickly fades and is supposed to explain about some kind of outbreak. (The format really doesn't matter, just give us a brief summary.) An outbreak of what? We don't know, and much like George Samson's career, we'll never care. (Then why bring it up? If we don't care, don't waste our time with it.) Anyway A helicopter flies over Tokyo with you and your 4 ninja friends. One of them explains your mission, 3 jump out, the last guy gives you a sword for no reason. Then you discover the horrifying core of the game: which is bloody quicktime events.

You are warned about these events, but you'll get repetitiveley killed by them for one simple reason, and that's rankings. After the event, the game gives you a rank for your timing, ranking from bad to perfect. You'll constantly try to get perfect by hitting the button at the last nanosecond, then dying. However, instead of dying, the game just rewinds with a greyscale tone on it. (Actually, that would vary from player to player, wouldn't it? I personally aspire for mediocrity when I don't particularly care for a mechanic.)

Add this together with the fact that it flips in and out of Japanese as if it has Tourette's, or at least it does in the opening scene.

This game only exists to take money off the people that enjoyed Ninja Gaiden. Apart from that though, I bet even the developers wanted it to go straight to hell. I mean, it can't be fun to work on a game that nobody is going to enjoy. But does it do anything right?

In short, no, it does absolutely nothing right. In long, well, almost... Most of it's elements almost get it right. Let us start with the fighting.

You get three swords. Well 4 actually, but that's not the point. You get the Stonerender sword, not dissimilar from the Buster blade from Final Fantasy 7, just not quite as big. The Stonereder sword is used to break shields. Then there are the twin katanas, which are the quickest of all the weapons. Then there is the longsword-type thing, which is your classic mediocre weapon. This is were it comes so so close, then fails because these weapons are like a pistol when compared to the shuriken that can put out and start fires. If the 4 swords are a pistol, this is the BFG9000. It wipes pretty much everything out. (This is phrased very poorly. Just outright say "None of the weapons can match the shuriken." I had to re-read this several times to understand what you were trying to say.)

I touched on the quicktime, events, so lets just forget about them. EXCEPT YOU BLOODY CAN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE IN JUST ABOUT EVERY CUTSCENE OF THE GODFORSAKEN GAME!!!!!!!

Sorry, my friends always did say that I needed anger management.

Now, the next thing that it does wrong is of course, absolutely nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the rest is good, I'm saying that there is no more to it. There's cutscenes with Quicktime events in, then there's the fighting, and there is no more to it. It just feels so empty...

Also TT games and Harmonix has announced Lego Rock Band, that'll be fun to play............NOT!!!!!

Honestly, you make so many simple mistakes. First, you need to realize there's a lot more to reviewing than making fun of a game. My suggestion is to read professional reviews (including the one written here [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/reviews/5992-Review-Ninja-Blade]), and just practicing away from the Yahtzee-esque style.

As mjhhiv has already said, write like yourself. Not someone else.

 

[ultimatechance]

Ive seen a lot of unjustified accusations of reviews that copy Yahtzee's style, but this one was rather blatant.

 

[Stevato]

Also TT games and Harmonix has announced Lego Rock Band, that'll be fun to play............NOT!!!!!

You're kidding right? That game's gonna be pretty fun, it's just Rock Band with Lego men after all, Rock Band is great, Lego is great... what's the problem?

 

[Oddyssey]

Meh, again I apologise to all, infact I'm starting to wish I'd never bothered, just because I could do something didn't mean that I had to do it.

Again, the next will be better, and because of the comments, I'm deleting the whole review.