Online dating and desperation.

[Doclector]

So I finally gave in to the urge that meets me every time I have one of periods of dwelling on loneliness and my failure to perform basic human actions, and joined a dating site, OKcupid to be exact. Don't bother looking for a laugh, it's under a different name to any of my other accounts, including my real name in case I ever told anyone that.

Objectively, it's been something of a step towards progress. I've learnt a little more about what people are actually looking for, and whilst I haven't had any real conversations, managing to get the courage up to send messages, especially so many, is a definite step up for me.

However, out of the thirty-something messages I have so far sent in my first couple of weeks, most trying to open with a joke, because, well, if there's only one part of myself that's half decent, it's my sense of humour, and y'know "best foot forward" and all that, I have only had one reply. And she never replied to my reply, so I'm guessing I somehow blew it, even though all I said was where I went to university and what course I was doing, but that's human interaction for you, a hundred ways to get things wrong, only a handful of right options, and no indication to someone like me as to what on earth that might be.

I'm thinking maybe I need to lay off it a little. I visited it almost every day until I didn't get a reply to that message, but seeing every day how many messages I've sent with no response, and how many have actually visited my profile and then left without even bothering to say "no" is incredibly depressing. Maybe not give the damn thing up, but perhaps looking at it all the time isn't helping.

It's just hard not to be desperate. I'm 22 for god's sake. I should have been successful at this long ago, everyone who's normal was, sure, I'm not normal, but the world doesn't give a shit. That's the thing, I realise that maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for solutions, but it doesn't matter. I am running out of time, if I do not learn how to maintain a normal relationship soon, I never will. Nobody will ever tolerate that lack of experience. I want to solve my personal problems, finish therapy, gain confidence, then come back to this, but that isn't happening. I want to solve those things before getting a job, if I could, I'd take time out of uni to solve my issues, but none of those things are happening, the world does not give a shit about my problems.

Then there's more primitive things. It's natural to want to be intimate with someone, for most people. To me, it seems like I want something I have no right to, thus it is wrong to even think such things, but I can't stop. Of course I can't. It's so incredibly frustrating, and it doesn't seem like there's any end in sight.

I don't see how I can not be desperate, considering how I'm already far from normal, and the longer I fail for, the harder things are going to get.

I need to get this right, and I need to get it right now. I need to know how.

 

[Siyano_v1legacy]

First I can say, you are still young, there is no urge.
I am 30 and still haven't found a good GF.
Dating site may help but dating site are really hard for men, its normally a question of being lucky
Don't look desperate, do thing you like, try to find new thing to like, meet people, don't push it, otherwise girl will be scared

 

[EeveeElectro]

I've always found dating sites to be... off. People are basically shopping for their ideal partner, who they fancy, how much they earn, etc.
It just seems so forced and I'm not surprised people are finding it hard to find someone on there. The sad fact is, if you look like Jabba the Hutt (and I'm not saying you do, of course), no one will go to your profile or reply to you because to me, dating sites are just 'survival of the sexiest' and there seems to be a ton of shallow people on there.
I know it's worked out for plenty of people and I hope it does for you but the general idea of a dating sites puts me off horribly. I've been in one before and probably won't go back, that's just my two pence about them.

That's not to say you can't meet partners online. I met my boyfriend online, on this very site to be exact and that worked out for me.

The bottom line is, there's no need to rush. You're only 22 and there's no deadline to finding a partner. Enjoy being single and make sure you're not 'searching' for a girlfriend because you don't have to search to fall in love.
Don't look at people and think "You shall be my girlfriend!" but rather ease yourself into friendship and go from there. You'll know when the right person comes along. Don't give into social pressure, be with someone because you love them, not because you feel you have to.

 

[Devil's Due]

You should relax about Okcupid's match system. I've been there for three months now and have messaged hundreds of girls near me and only a select few ever respond. However, from the few that I have had respond have been quite enjoyable and two that I am considering asking out on a date. This appears to be very common with other males on OKC, since online dating mixes cultural expectations that men must make the first move (I've only had 1 girl ever message me first, and I've had many visitors) along side the fact they can find anyone at their finger tips. After all, why do they have to settle for someone when all they have to do is 5 more mins of searching to find someone better?

But in time someone will find you or you will find someone that you really like and really want. How you find them, in person, online or blind date, is not relevant. What's relevant is what you feel for one another. Just send out feelers to people on OKC, don't work too hard to be unique just make some chit chat (see if you can talk about a similar subject if they like something you enjoy) and go from there. If they don't respond, move on and do not give them a second thought. As long as you keep sending out messages, the odds of a response dramatically begin to increase.

Just relax and let it happen, really. Don't stop trying, but don't rush anything.

 

[Gatx]

I think the thing with dating sites in general is that it's basically real life - guys usually initiate, girls less likely so. The disadvantage though is that the ratio of the members is usually heavily skewed towards guys. To your advantage though, if you lack confidence in yourself in real life, you're on equal footing with any peacocking bro who also happens to be on the site, maybe even have an advantage as you'll come across like a human being with a well thought out message as opposed to a "i think your hawt."

 

[NoeL]

First of all, get a hold of yourself. You sound like a blubbering idiot.

Your main, possibly even ONLY problem, is that it sounds like not even YOU would want to date you, so how can you expect a girl to? The pessimistic, self-deprecating attitude is just about the biggest turn off you can have - and repeating that nonsense only reinforces that belief. You're only a loser if you think you are. So your first step, even if you don't yet believe it, is to cut that shit out completely. Stop going on about how you're "not normal", and how your sense of humour is the only "part of [yourself] that's half decent" - nobody wants to listen to that drivel, and it's doing you no favours. So stop.

Your second step is to recognise your strengths. You say you've got a good sense of humour - great! You can also type coherent sentences, and you're in the middle of getting a degree (I bet you're doing IT, right?). Sadly (for society, not you) those last two attributes alone probably put you ahead of the curve (which is great for you).

As for not having time... pah-leeeeeeeeez! I lost my virginity at 24, and met my first girlfriend at 26. Some people experience those things earlier, some people experience them later - or even not at all. One thing that's for damn sure is that 22 is NOT the time to be panicking.

But the bottom line is that you only want a girlfriend to feel good about yourself, and that's so not fair for the girl. What happens in far too many situations is that you'll settle for anyone, start dating, get some self confidence, realise that you don't have to settle for people you don't care for, then ditch the poor girl for the chance at something better. All she wanted was for someone to love her, and you used her as a fucking crutch to prop your own worthless self up on. That's despicable, and it's exactly where your attitude is leading you.

If you don't like who you are, put some EFFORT into changing. Become someone that you'd want to date. Shave your neck, hit the gym, buy some nice clothes. Do SOMETHING. You obviously don't care about yourself, and I would bet my life that's reflected in how you look and act. THAT'S why you're striking out. Start giving a shit, and you'll be surprised how many people will take notice.

 

[Doclector]

First of all, get a hold of yourself. You sound like a blubbering idiot.

Your main, possibly even ONLY problem, is that it sounds like not even YOU would want to date you, so how can you expect a girl to? The pessimistic, self-deprecating attitude is just about the biggest turn off you can have - and repeating that nonsense only reinforces that belief. You're only a loser if you think you are. So your first step, even if you don't yet believe it, is to cut that shit out completely. Stop going on about how you're "not normal", and how your sense of humour is the only "part of [yourself] that's half decent" - nobody wants to listen to that drivel, and it's doing you no favours. So stop.

Your second step is to recognise your strengths. You say you've got a good sense of humour - great! You can also type coherent sentences, and you're in the middle of getting a degree (I bet you're doing IT, right?). Sadly (for society, not you) those last two attributes alone probably put you ahead of the curve (which is great for you).

But that always seemed impossible. I'm trying to go to therapy to help that, but other than that, I can't seem to look at myself positively when I've failed at a lot of things everyone else did easily.

As for not having time... pah-leeeeeeeeez! I lost my virginity at 24, and met my first girlfriend at 26. Some people experience those things earlier, some people experience them later - or even not at all. One thing that's for damn sure is that 22 is NOT the time to be panicking.

That's what I'm afraid of, "not at all". I can't see anyone tolerating a 30 year old virgin. Maybe it isn't time to panic yet, but I need to learn things, I need to understand all the rules. That's the thing, there must be a right way of doing things, because otherwise, how come I keep doing things the wrong way? If there's a wrong way, there must be a right one, nobody's ever going to tell me, possibly because they're just natural at it and there isn't anything to tell from their point of view, but I have to learn that, or everyone's just gonna speed past me, and nobody's gonna give a shit about someone who still has to learn.

But the bottom line is that you only want a girlfriend to feel good about yourself, and that's so not fair for the girl. What happens in far too many situations is that you'll settle for anyone, start dating, get some self confidence, realise that you don't have to settle for people you don't care for, then ditch the poor girl for the chance at something better. All she wanted was for someone to love her, and you used her as a fucking crutch to prop your own worthless self up on. That's despicable, and it's exactly where your attitude is leading you.

I'll be honest, I never thought of that. That makes me feel like shit. I always thought if that sort of thing happened, she'd leave first. I'm never going to be in high demand, I'm never going to be the one who can afford to leave. But you're right, I guess if that was going to happen, I wouldn't know it was going to now. I don't know what to do though. I can't not be desperate, I just am. I don't want to give up, because I don't want to be alone forever, and I can't continue because I'll hurt people.

If you don't like who you are, put some EFFORT into changing. Become someone that you'd want to date. Shave your neck, hit the gym, buy some nice clothes. Do SOMETHING. You obviously don't care about yourself, and I would bet my life that's reflected in how you look and act. THAT'S why you're striking out. Start giving a shit, and you'll be surprised how many people will take notice.

How? It's never that easy, I don't even know what right clothes are, I trim my beard regularly, which is probably the only thing about my appearance I like, even if I could go to the gym without being laughed at, it's not going to change my natural ugliness. I've tried for years to be better, but I'm making such slow progress it may as well not be happening at all.

 

[Doclector]

Oh man, I knew I'd find a thread like this on this part of the forums. Giggle.

Seriously though, I find online dating sites to be, well, uh, dumb. You could always try it IRL, dood.

I've tried IRL. There everyone can laugh at me when I fail. They say they're not, but they are, how could they not be? They always laugh about other people failing when they're not there, why wouldn't they laugh about me?

 

[NinjaSniperAssassin]

-snip-

This x1000. The number one biggest thing you can do to improve your chances with women is to gain some self-confidence. You say you're proud of your beard? Roll with that. Every morning, look in the mirror and say to yourself "Hot damn, that's a sexy beard. I can rock that shit like a boss." Do you know how many people have trouble growing a full beard, even at 22? Be proud of that shit, man. Own it.

As for not going to the gym for fear of being laughed at: are you kidding me? Nobody at the gym gives even half a fuck what anyone else is doing. Honestly, just go to a community rec center gym or a casual, drop-in gym. You're going to see people of all shapes and sizes doing their own stuff and they aren't gonna have the time of day for you. And if you still absolutely refuse, just get some dumbells for at home and start walking or riding a bike as much as possible. "I don't wanna get laughed at" is the worst excuse in the world for not working out.

Meeting people IRL is the same deal. Nobody honestly cares if you make an idiot of yourself in public, they'll forget about it in an hour. And anyway, who cares if they laugh at you behind your back? If you aren't there to hear it it won't impact you. I once spent all day at school with my shorts ripped open from the waist right down the back and halfway down my leg, and I didn't even realize until I was walking home. Was I embarrassed? You bet. Did anything bad happen because of it? Nope. Nobody even mentioned it, and there's no way in hell anybody walking behind me wouldn't have noticed.

As for clothes, does it really matter if you know what "right" clothes are? There must be some combination of garments out there that you can drape over yourself and think "Wow, I feel really cool right now." That's all that matters. Clothes are just another way to improve your confidence, so who cares if your outfit is one that could be worn on the red carpet? If you feel good in a particular getup, wear the hell out of it.

Finally, I wouldn't put any stock into how many hits you get on a dating site. Those things are just meat markets anyway. Just get out there and do something with other people, and focus on making new friends. Even if they're all guys, at least one of them will know at least one girl, and that girl will work with other girls, and one of those girls will be single and voila!

 

[NoeL]

With all due respect, most of what your reply consisted of was "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!". I can't read your writing without attributing some sad, pathetic droopy dog voice to it. You're not doing what I suggested you do. Here, I'll do all the editing you should have done yourself before posting:

First of all, get a hold of yourself. You sound like a blubbering idiot.

Your main, possibly even ONLY problem, is that it sounds like not even YOU would want to date you, so how can you expect a girl to? The pessimistic, self-deprecating attitude is just about the biggest turn off you can have - and repeating that nonsense only reinforces that belief. You're only a loser if you think you are. So your first step, even if you don't yet believe it, is to cut that shit out completely. Stop going on about how you're "not normal", and how your sense of humour is the only "part of [yourself] that's half decent" - nobody wants to listen to that drivel, and it's doing you no favours. So stop.

Your second step is to recognise your strengths. You say you've got a good sense of humour - great! You can also type coherent sentences, and you're in the middle of getting a degree (I bet you're doing IT, right?). Sadly (for society, not you) those last two attributes alone probably put you ahead of the curve (which is great for you).

But that always seemed impossible. I'm trying to go to therapy to help that, but other than that, I can't seem to look at myself positively when I've failed at a lot of things everyone else did easily.

As for not having time... pah-leeeeeeeeez! I lost my virginity at 24, and met my first girlfriend at 26. Some people experience those things earlier, some people experience them later - or even not at all. One thing that's for damn sure is that 22 is NOT the time to be panicking.

That's what I'm afraid of, "not at all". I can't see anyone tolerating a 30 year old virgin. Maybe it isn't time to panic yet, but I need to learn things, I need to understand all the rules. That's the thing, there must be a right way of doing things, because otherwise, how come I keep doing things the wrong way? If there's a wrong way, there must be a right one, nobody's ever going to tell me, possibly because they're just natural at it and there isn't anything to tell from their point of view, but I have to learn that, or everyone's just gonna speed past me, and nobody's gonna give a shit about someone who still has to learn.

(Editor's note: For fuck's sake, give girls a bit of credit. If they like you they're not going to give a shit that you're a 30-year old virgin. In fact, a lot of them find the notion of taking a guy's virginity quite exciting. And again, as far as not knowing the "right way" to date - no such thing exists! You're making a big deal out of nothing. You're putting girls on a pedestal, thinking of them as some secret you need to enter the right code to unlock. As soon as you realise they're just people you'll be able to communicate better and won't appear so sexist)

But the bottom line is that you only want a girlfriend to feel good about yourself, and that's so not fair for the girl. What happens in far too many situations is that you'll settle for anyone, start dating, get some self confidence, realise that you don't have to settle for people you don't care for, then ditch the poor girl for the chance at something better. All she wanted was for someone to love her, and you used her as a fucking crutch to prop your own worthless self up on. That's despicable, and it's exactly where your attitude is leading you.

I'll be honest, I never thought of that. That makes me feel like shit. I always thought if that sort of thing happened, she'd leave first. I'm never going to be in high demand, I'm never going to be the one who can afford to leave. But you're right, I guess if that was going to happen, I wouldn't know it was going to now. I don't know what to do though. I can't not be desperate, I just am. I don't want to give up, because I don't want to be alone forever, and I can't continue because I'll hurt people.

If you don't like who you are, put some EFFORT into changing. Become someone that you'd want to date. Shave your neck, hit the gym, buy some nice clothes. Do SOMETHING. You obviously don't care about yourself, and I would bet my life that's reflected in how you look and act. THAT'S why you're striking out. Start giving a shit, and you'll be surprised how many people will take notice.

How? It's never that easy, I don't even know what right clothes are, I trim my beard regularly, which is probably the only thing about my appearance I like, even if I could go to the gym without being laughed at, it's not going to change my natural ugliness. I've tried for years to be better, but I'm making such slow progress it may as well not be happening at all.

(Second note: Like the guy above me said, quit making excuses! If you want to change, man the fuck up and change! Scared people will laugh at you? That's weaksauce.)

There, all done.

Stop with the "I can't"s and "I'm pathetic"s, period. Learn to censor yourself - at least when dealing with people who aren't your therapist.

Secondly, forget this notion that a relationship is something you can win by doing the "right" thing. A relationship, at its core, is just two people that enjoy each other's company. Some people will like who you are, some people won't like who you are - and that'll be true regardless of you doing things the "right way" or the "wrong way". The only thing you need to do is make sure YOU like who you are! I'm sure you've heard the advice "be yourself"? Yeah, there's a reason it's cliche - because it's absolutely true. Just do things your way and hang out with the people that like it (I'm not talking about continuing the "woe is me" crap - "your way" is a way you're happy and comfortable with, and you're clearly not happy being a loser).

So in a nutshell:
1) Quit beating yourself up.
2) Quit making excuses to better yourself.
3) Quit looking at girls as a trophy and start looking at them as people.
4) Don't just BE yourself, but fucking OWN yourself.

 

[Jux]

-snip-

Sounds like you have some serious self esteem and anxiety issues man. The thing about dating (and in general, being social) is that, for most people, it takes practice to get good at it. The forums may be a good place to get some solid advice, but when it comes to stuff like this, talking to a professional is the way to go. There are a variety of therapies and/or medications out there that can help you out.

 

[Colour Scientist]

You've been posting about this issue for quite some time now and to be honest, at this stage, I suggest you seek some counselling.

You clearly have severe self-esteem issues and you appear to be trapped in a cycle where you feel shit because you can't find a girlfriend and then can't find a girlfriend because you feel shit.

To be blunt, there is nothing more off-putting than a guy coming across as desperate. It makes it seem to the woman that you're not pursuing her because you find her interesting and attractive, but because you can't find anyone else. It doesn't exactly make you feel special.
Obviously, you've been worrying and obsessing over this for so long that it's made it impossible for you to react to these situations casually or naturally and so, you come across as nervous, self-conscious and, well desperate. I would bet quite a bit that the awkwardness came across in those messages.
As well as that, when you're starting a new relationship, no one wants to shoulder the burden of someone else's self-loathing. When you've involved with someone and they develop issues then it's easier to support them but not at the beginning.

I think seeking help to work through your own issues would do you a world of good. Once you've learned to tackle your own issues and changed your attitudes towards women and relationships, I think you'll find that you will be much more successful, with half the effort.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well I understand this is a very emotional experience however it is important to consider constraints of reality.
We still live in a social structure where men are taught to be the conquerers and women must look pretty and wait to be conquered, which on dating sites means every female(especially attractive ones) will have her PM box full of new prospects every day and contact lists longer then her arms.

Them not responding doesn't mean you failed in life or something equally daft, it just means they have piles of messages that are increasingly less interesting. Or imagine 100+ ladies wrote to you every day, would you really take time to respond to each one ...

 

[Doclector]

You've been posting about this issue for quite some time now and to be honest, at this stage, I suggest you seek some counselling.

You clearly have severe self-esteem issues and you appear to be trapped in a cycle where you feel shit because you can't find a girlfriend and then can't find a girlfriend because you feel shit.

To be blunt, there is nothing more off-putting than a guy coming across as desperate. It makes it seem to the woman that you're not pursuing her because you find her interesting and attractive, but because you can't find anyone else. It doesn't exactly make you feel special.
Obviously, you've been worrying and obsessing over this for so long that it's made it impossible for you to react to these situations casually or naturally and so, you come across as nervous, self-conscious and, well desperate. I would bet quite a bit that the awkwardness came across in those messages.
As well as that, when you're starting a new relationship, no one wants to shoulder the burden of someone else's self-loathing. When you've involved with someone and they develop issues then it's easier to support them but not at the beginning.

I think seeking help to work through your own issues would do you a world of good. Once you've learned to tackle your own issues and changed your attitudes towards women and relationships, I think you'll find that you will be much more successful, with half the effort.

I am currently doing so. They haven't contacted me in a while, but I checked with them and they should be organising another appointment soon.

I just don't want to get everything sorted and find out it's too late. Being a 22 year old virgin isn't attractive. Ever. And if it is, it's damn rare to be attractive. Let alone even older than that. I don't even know how long it'll take to fix anything, I might never be fixed, never be somewhere near normal. At the end of the day, that's what scares me. That nothing'll ever change, I'll make no progress, I'll fix myself only for someone/something else to break me again, then I'm back at square one. I have to not have any issues at all, and I'm not sure I can keep that going.

 

[Colour Scientist]

You've been posting about this issue for quite some time now and to be honest, at this stage, I suggest you seek some counselling.

You clearly have severe self-esteem issues and you appear to be trapped in a cycle where you feel shit because you can't find a girlfriend and then can't find a girlfriend because you feel shit.

To be blunt, there is nothing more off-putting than a guy coming across as desperate. It makes it seem to the woman that you're not pursuing her because you find her interesting and attractive, but because you can't find anyone else. It doesn't exactly make you feel special.
Obviously, you've been worrying and obsessing over this for so long that it's made it impossible for you to react to these situations casually or naturally and so, you come across as nervous, self-conscious and, well desperate. I would bet quite a bit that the awkwardness came across in those messages.
As well as that, when you're starting a new relationship, no one wants to shoulder the burden of someone else's self-loathing. When you've involved with someone and they develop issues then it's easier to support them but not at the beginning.

I think seeking help to work through your own issues would do you a world of good. Once you've learned to tackle your own issues and changed your attitudes towards women and relationships, I think you'll find that you will be much more successful, with half the effort.

I am currently doing so. They haven't contacted me in a while, but I checked with them and they should be organising another appointment soon.

I just don't want to get everything sorted and find out it's too late. Being a 22 year old virgin isn't attractive. Ever. And if it is, it's damn rare to be attractive. Let alone even older than that. I don't even know how long it'll take to fix anything, I might never be fixed, never be somewhere near normal. At the end of the day, that's what scares me. That nothing'll ever change, I'll make no progress, I'll fix myself only for someone/something else to break me again, then I'm back at square one. I have to not have any issues at all, and I'm not sure I can keep that going.

You've put way too much weight on your own virginity. You're only 22. That is not an old age to be a virgin, you've just been obsessing about it for so long that it seems like you've gone past the point of no return.
There's no set age to start having sex and, to be honest, it's not being a virgin that's unattractive, it's how obsessed with it you are.
If you meet a girl, you don't have to say "hi, I'm a virgin"'. When I first started going out with my boyfriend I didn't go "hi, I've had sex with X amount of people".

 

[Angie7F]

Dating online seems to be more blunt. People are more straight forward about their ideals than they are in real life and it makes it more complicated.
I find real life dating to be easier because people actually still care about what other people think about them.

 

[nariette]

Personally, I think you should try not to look for a girlfriend, but try to make more friends. If you try to meet a girl with the thought of making her your girlfriend, it will go downwards right away. If you first get to know a girl as a friend, you will be more comfortable around her, and when you suddenly find yourself to be in love with her, it will be easier to try to make that clear to her. Making friends will make you more sociable, so it will be easier for you to talk to other people, even though you have only just met. The perfect relationship (in my opinion) exists out of love, friendship, and a physical relationship, which can vary from hugging to sex. (I'm not saying that sex is mandatory, but most of the time it improves a relationship.)

Also, being a virgin at the age of 22 is not a bad thing. If you say girl A hangs around with boy B, boy B has had sex with over 30 different girls, girl A isn't going to be attracted to him. She's going to be nervous that she wouldn't be able to be pleasuring to him. Honestly, I think most girls wouldn't mind to have sex with a virgin regardless of his age, because that way they wouldn't have to worry about the way they look or "how good" they are. Stop seeing losing your virginity as the ultimate goal in life: Most people say that their first time was horrible because they rushed into it. In the media we always see people who date a lot, but there are a lot of people who have never dated until they were 25 and suddenly find the girl of their dreams and marry her.

Then again, I think most people on dating sites are middle aged people who just got divorced, or young people who are just looking for attention. If you want to find a girl that is like you, go to the places where you can expect to find one. My friend, she is antisocial, hates being around people, but found her perfect boyfriend at an anime convention, because that is what she likes. She wasn't looking for one, he talked to her because he liked her cosplay, they exchanged email adresses, became penpals, and now they are dating. Try to look for a girl in your fanbases and first become friends with her.

I think that the best things come to you when you are not looking for them. Of course you aren't going to find your perfect girl when you sit at home all day doing nothing, but women are people which means that you will find women among other people. I'm not saying you have to go outside, some people find the love of their life online, but try as much as you can to be around people, be it in real life or on the internet.

If you think my advice is useless, that's okay. Lots of people have replied to this post so there must be some useful advice.

 

[gazumped]

Just wanted to pipe in on the 'virgin at 22' thing. My ex's brother was a virgin until he was 28. Mostly because he just never got out of the house and met anyone other than the blokes who work at his bike shop. My ex and his sister finally realised they needed to start encouraging him to get out of the house and socialising with people and once that was happening he had his first proper girlfriend within a few months. I never asked her if she gave a crap that he was a virgin but they're still together a year and a half later so she can't have found it particularly disappointing.

Anyone who's going to care about something that superficial isn't worth dating anyway, really. (And, uh, considering you seem to care so much about it, you should probably take people in this thread's advice and... stop doing that. If you want to be more 'date-able'.)

 

[Psykoma]

That's the thing, there must be a right way of doing things, because otherwise, how come I keep doing things the wrong way? If there's a wrong way, there must be a right one, nobody's ever going to tell me,

Congratulations!

It's time for you to hear the super serial secret "right" way to human interaction which people have been keeping from you:

It doesn't exist.

Give women some credit, we're not all one consciousness with universal likes and dislikes.
What's "right" for one woman will be wrong for another, will be orgasmic for another, will be homicidal for another, will make another want to call the cops, and so on.
"Buy girls diamonds! All girls love diamonds, it always works!".
Yeah, except I know girls from university who explicitly told their boyfriends that if they ever gave diamond gifts, they'd be returning them because they thought diamonds were a waste of money.
Personally, I don't like diamonds - I like to have my gemstones in bright colours while also thinking diamonds aren't worth the money.
"Buy girls chocolates! All girls love chocolate, it always works!"
Except when it doesn't.

Simply put, you, not knowing what's right for any individual girl you message, are on the exact same footing as every other guy messaging her. They just don't give a damn about sending a 'wrong' signal, they send *their* signal.

There is no right message you can send. There is no wrong message you can send.
There's only your message.
Just send a signal of who you are, if it's not right for her then you shouldn't want to date her anyway.


And, because you bring it up so much, do you know what you tell a woman who says that you being a virgin is a dealbreaker?
You say "Hah! You don't deserve me!"