In order to keep my well worn sanity on this earth, I blog. About stuff. What I feel about nearly anything really. I felt to help my work reach a larger audience (and to keep me from going insane because nobody listens to me) I would post on The Escapist. 2 things first. 1] I am NOT ripping off Yahtzee. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a funny guy amd a great reviewer, but I don't want to be like him. There were other people before Yahtzee and he did have his influences. 2] I'm slightly aware that this may just be my ticket to ban city... but I ain't editing anything I say. Except one slight bit in this article that'll paint me out as a wannabee murderer. Also, if this thread gets taken down, I'm OK. Because someone will have noticed my shrill pointless existance and called me out on it. Here we go. Wish me luck.
Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By
Blogged 5th of May 2009
I am going to write an apology now to my (invisible) adoring fan base who have stuck by me through Green Grass & High Tides. I'm sorry that I haven't written anything recently, but the truth is that nothing's really got me riled up enough to start spreading bile all over the keyboard. So thank you Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Sky1). Thank you for being just what I need to lower my spirits and start my bile sewage plant being spread all over the internet again! I would also like to thank Britain's Got Talent (ITV1) for invading my life and being completely boring and I would write about it but I took a sacred oath to myself that I would only write one sentence about the whole thing every column and oh what do you know that sentence ends about now. And I would also like to thank my PS3 for bricking itself and having to be sent off meaning that every single day at my dad's is now a fight for control of the laptop. Honourable mention goes to school and you know why, you horrible evil bastards. So, yeah. Thanks guys! You're the best! But back on topic.
Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Working titles: Celebrity Can You Pummel 5 10 Year Old Kids Into Submission With Your Knowledge For Cash You Soulless Dirt Bag? and Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Quarter of a Millionaire?) is exactly the same as regular Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? only that it features Celebrities (read the title dumbo) who are (surprise, surprise) playing for charity. But I'm not going to rag about celebrity versions of shows, oh no. I'm going to do that at a later date. Hell, I was only watching this because the celebrities in question were above the usual Z-list fodder that are attracted to these shows. Yes, we are up to G-list. Specifically Sky1's Gladiators (you may punch me in the mouth for that pun. I deserve it). And with me wanting to combine my 2 biggest annoyances on Sky1 (you thought I was going to say all of TV didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?) into one big ball of hate I tuned in to start laughing at their ineptitude.
Turns out my beefs aren't with the Gladiators. More with the show itself. Are You Smarter...?'s main problem is in its simple idea. It seems innocent enough in concept. Answer 10 questions on subjects for 6-10 year olds. If you do those you get the chance to try the £250,000 question and be inducted into the TV Hall Of Fame. To help you out, you get 3 lifelines sorry... cheats that happen to have two almost exactly the same, and one where if you are wrong you still have a chance of staying in. You also have at your disposal 5 whiney ***** who are meant to make you look and feel dumb when you have to ask a 10 year old on what's French for "Would you like to dance?" But their main weapon of annoyance is that when you have to pick one of the little shits to join you they all do a collective "memememememememememememe!!!!!!!!" like those seagulls from Finding Nemo that go "mineminemine" only a lot less funny and more noose tightening. Then you have to stand by and listen to the little fucker's life story that is usually about something inane like a tortoise or something. Remember those Totally Kyle sketches in The Amanda Show? It's that only remove the hilarity, make them drag on longer, have the kids say them with a Welsh and/or Geordie accent (alternate between the two) and throw in an apparently interested Noel Edmonds who sounds even creepier than usual when he makes comments as he presses them for more detail whilst he masturbates himself raw in his own trousers in front of a live studio audience that is being beamed into the homes so that the following day the papers can claim for him to be a steaming paedophile ass wipe whilst praising the kids and holding them up as angels of the highest order when their not! They're cunts! Cunts of the highest fucking order who's only good quality is how fucking punchable their faces look! Keep me away! I'VE GOT A FUCKING CROWBAR!!
(Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By)
Sorry about that. But in truth, now that I've calmed down and my gripes with the kids has been vented, this show's second biggest problem is that it's a rip-off of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Only the lifelines have been altered, there's almost no multiple choice questions, you can choose what order the questions are done in and that there are some annoying 10 year olds to remind you how thick you are. And I for one wouldn?t want to go on there. Not just because of the things I would do to the kids, but because no matter how you look at it, being a contestant is a lose-lose situation. If you lose, you're dumber than a 10 year old and that's just embarrassing. But if you win... you viciously pummelled 5 ten-year-old kids into submission with knowledge. You probably gave them nightmares. You're worse than Hitler! You being smarter than a 10 year old is up there with beating them at a boxing match with the kids blindfolded and having their hands cut off. It's just wrong! That £250,000 isn't going to soften the guilt either you cold merciless bastard!
Saying this, the show's been running for two series now and has a daytime spin-off hosted by the legendary Dick & Dom which is even worse than the normal one because you can only win £50,000 leading to a load of pissed off contestants as the game's just as flipping hard! I won't watch tomorrow night's show. Not even to laugh at Oblivion's nipple tape costume. My sanity couldn't take it. That's an hour of my life I'm not getting back.
Speaking of time I'm not getting back, the other week I finally got round to sitting down and watching the first part of Red Riding (Channel 4). And watched the total demise of a half decent premise with an all-star (snigger) cast. I think the main problem was that it was just too bloody confusing. The premise is of police corruption during the Yorkshire Ripper crime spree but all that is chucked out of the window about, ooh, 20 seconds after the opening credits have finished rolling and barely returned to or acknowledged during the story. I even tried Wikipedia to get any sense out of it but then I still didn't fully understand. I think this is what the 2-hour part's full storyline is. Investigative Reporter (read: wannabe cop) Andrew Garfield bangs the same woman every 10 minutes until she's found dead. He's abandoned in the middle of nowhere but heads back to town to murder a shady businessman who was also banging Garfield's pussy and killed her for some unknown reason. Andrew Garfield then accidentally forgets how to play Chicken with some cop cars and is shown at the end presumably dead (although a deleted scene involving the smoldering wreckage was later used for a Think ad). Just about all of that happens in the last 10 minutes and the rest is a barrage of sex scenes where you don't get to see a hint of nipple, Andrew Garfield being tortured because he has the nerve to be a wannabe cop and "arty" repeated shots that have NO PARTICULAR MEANING WHATSOEVER!! And the worst part, besides the shoddy acting, is that Wikipedia doesn't tell you how it ends! I'll have to watch the whole sorry mess if I want to know what happens! I won't do that to myself. But then again, it took two months for me summon up the courage to watch it in the first place. So give me another month and maybe I'll give it a go.
Or maybe I'll delete it and save myself the bother.
So, comments. How shit do you think that was? Or how much did I rip-off Yahtzee which I definately didn't intend to do? Sorry if I'm a little moody but it's been a rough day.
Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By
Blogged 5th of May 2009
I am going to write an apology now to my (invisible) adoring fan base who have stuck by me through Green Grass & High Tides. I'm sorry that I haven't written anything recently, but the truth is that nothing's really got me riled up enough to start spreading bile all over the keyboard. So thank you Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Sky1). Thank you for being just what I need to lower my spirits and start my bile sewage plant being spread all over the internet again! I would also like to thank Britain's Got Talent (ITV1) for invading my life and being completely boring and I would write about it but I took a sacred oath to myself that I would only write one sentence about the whole thing every column and oh what do you know that sentence ends about now. And I would also like to thank my PS3 for bricking itself and having to be sent off meaning that every single day at my dad's is now a fight for control of the laptop. Honourable mention goes to school and you know why, you horrible evil bastards. So, yeah. Thanks guys! You're the best! But back on topic.
Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Working titles: Celebrity Can You Pummel 5 10 Year Old Kids Into Submission With Your Knowledge For Cash You Soulless Dirt Bag? and Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Quarter of a Millionaire?) is exactly the same as regular Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? only that it features Celebrities (read the title dumbo) who are (surprise, surprise) playing for charity. But I'm not going to rag about celebrity versions of shows, oh no. I'm going to do that at a later date. Hell, I was only watching this because the celebrities in question were above the usual Z-list fodder that are attracted to these shows. Yes, we are up to G-list. Specifically Sky1's Gladiators (you may punch me in the mouth for that pun. I deserve it). And with me wanting to combine my 2 biggest annoyances on Sky1 (you thought I was going to say all of TV didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?) into one big ball of hate I tuned in to start laughing at their ineptitude.
Turns out my beefs aren't with the Gladiators. More with the show itself. Are You Smarter...?'s main problem is in its simple idea. It seems innocent enough in concept. Answer 10 questions on subjects for 6-10 year olds. If you do those you get the chance to try the £250,000 question and be inducted into the TV Hall Of Fame. To help you out, you get 3 lifelines sorry... cheats that happen to have two almost exactly the same, and one where if you are wrong you still have a chance of staying in. You also have at your disposal 5 whiney ***** who are meant to make you look and feel dumb when you have to ask a 10 year old on what's French for "Would you like to dance?" But their main weapon of annoyance is that when you have to pick one of the little shits to join you they all do a collective "memememememememememememe!!!!!!!!" like those seagulls from Finding Nemo that go "mineminemine" only a lot less funny and more noose tightening. Then you have to stand by and listen to the little fucker's life story that is usually about something inane like a tortoise or something. Remember those Totally Kyle sketches in The Amanda Show? It's that only remove the hilarity, make them drag on longer, have the kids say them with a Welsh and/or Geordie accent (alternate between the two) and throw in an apparently interested Noel Edmonds who sounds even creepier than usual when he makes comments as he presses them for more detail whilst he masturbates himself raw in his own trousers in front of a live studio audience that is being beamed into the homes so that the following day the papers can claim for him to be a steaming paedophile ass wipe whilst praising the kids and holding them up as angels of the highest order when their not! They're cunts! Cunts of the highest fucking order who's only good quality is how fucking punchable their faces look! Keep me away! I'VE GOT A FUCKING CROWBAR!!
(Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By)
Sorry about that. But in truth, now that I've calmed down and my gripes with the kids has been vented, this show's second biggest problem is that it's a rip-off of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Only the lifelines have been altered, there's almost no multiple choice questions, you can choose what order the questions are done in and that there are some annoying 10 year olds to remind you how thick you are. And I for one wouldn?t want to go on there. Not just because of the things I would do to the kids, but because no matter how you look at it, being a contestant is a lose-lose situation. If you lose, you're dumber than a 10 year old and that's just embarrassing. But if you win... you viciously pummelled 5 ten-year-old kids into submission with knowledge. You probably gave them nightmares. You're worse than Hitler! You being smarter than a 10 year old is up there with beating them at a boxing match with the kids blindfolded and having their hands cut off. It's just wrong! That £250,000 isn't going to soften the guilt either you cold merciless bastard!
Saying this, the show's been running for two series now and has a daytime spin-off hosted by the legendary Dick & Dom which is even worse than the normal one because you can only win £50,000 leading to a load of pissed off contestants as the game's just as flipping hard! I won't watch tomorrow night's show. Not even to laugh at Oblivion's nipple tape costume. My sanity couldn't take it. That's an hour of my life I'm not getting back.
Speaking of time I'm not getting back, the other week I finally got round to sitting down and watching the first part of Red Riding (Channel 4). And watched the total demise of a half decent premise with an all-star (snigger) cast. I think the main problem was that it was just too bloody confusing. The premise is of police corruption during the Yorkshire Ripper crime spree but all that is chucked out of the window about, ooh, 20 seconds after the opening credits have finished rolling and barely returned to or acknowledged during the story. I even tried Wikipedia to get any sense out of it but then I still didn't fully understand. I think this is what the 2-hour part's full storyline is. Investigative Reporter (read: wannabe cop) Andrew Garfield bangs the same woman every 10 minutes until she's found dead. He's abandoned in the middle of nowhere but heads back to town to murder a shady businessman who was also banging Garfield's pussy and killed her for some unknown reason. Andrew Garfield then accidentally forgets how to play Chicken with some cop cars and is shown at the end presumably dead (although a deleted scene involving the smoldering wreckage was later used for a Think ad). Just about all of that happens in the last 10 minutes and the rest is a barrage of sex scenes where you don't get to see a hint of nipple, Andrew Garfield being tortured because he has the nerve to be a wannabe cop and "arty" repeated shots that have NO PARTICULAR MEANING WHATSOEVER!! And the worst part, besides the shoddy acting, is that Wikipedia doesn't tell you how it ends! I'll have to watch the whole sorry mess if I want to know what happens! I won't do that to myself. But then again, it took two months for me summon up the courage to watch it in the first place. So give me another month and maybe I'll give it a go.
Or maybe I'll delete it and save myself the bother.
So, comments. How shit do you think that was? Or how much did I rip-off Yahtzee which I definately didn't intend to do? Sorry if I'm a little moody but it's been a rough day.
